Tina's Daily Blog: To Go or Not To Go... That is the question....

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

To Go or Not To Go... That is the question....

Chorus is tonight, and I still haven't decided if I'm going. There is so much going on right now I feel overwhelmed most of the time.

Had a long talk with all the kids last night around the homework table... talked to teachers and the principal yesterday, last night, and today. Guess I'll start there with this blog... the kids grades....

Jonathan is not doing well in class - he had one progress report be brought home yesterday with THIRTEEN zeros... 13! He's (obviously) failing that class. But the work he does do in class he has received high grades on... so I don't know what the deal is with him. We put him on lock-down restriction until he brings it up to at least a D. Meaning... comes home from school, does homework and any possible make-up work, goes to his room, comes down for dinner, then back to his room. Once he brings it up to a D, I'm okay with leaving him on restriction from computer and games, but he can come out of his room. Thirteen zeros.......... sigh............

Kayte is doing well in school, but I'm not sure how good she's going to do on her final exams. Between you, me and these walls only, I fear that she is copying work. Last night the teacher asked me to give them a question which they were working on in class , answer the question and bring it in the next day for class and get a grade - she had not one clue what the answer was (Jonathan, who is failing the same class knew the answers). This along with a couple other little things here and there... but she's getting good grades, so I'm leaving it alone for now. Oh and last night I did talk to the teacher who accused her of cheating. She says that Kayte always talks to this girl and it was obvious someone was cheating, she couldn't tell if it was Kayte or the other girl, so they both didn't get credit for the test. I told Kayte it was going to stay a zero and that if she didn't want to get accused of cheating any more, STOP talking in class. Still she feels very wronged.

Kayla seems to be doing well in class - she is always very organized, keeps up with what is due, stuff like that - but, she still has 4 D's. So I'm just keeping a close eye on her.

Justin... sigh.... I talked to his guidance counselor today. If he doesn't pass Science, no doubt he'll be held back. However, the guidance counselor also told me of a way to appeal things if Justin or Kayla (or both) don't pass - and she feels that we could easily have them promoted with a visit to the school board's appeal department. Yeah, another visit to some form of governmental folks - I'm really looking forward to that. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Here's the funny thing.... I always thought the kids did pretty well in school. In particular Justin. Even Gwen was saying yesterday how well he used to do in school. Yet... this whole year for these kids has been awful - as I said, Justin has not passed ONE singe 9 weeks of his history class - F's each 9 weeks! So I asked Julie about it, and she tells me that - since Ron died - they are doing very bad in school. Now... I'm totally not surprised by this - I'm upset that she did nothing about it, but I'm not surprised. See, I'm the kind of person who falls on her sword when I feel that something is my fault - and knowing that the kids used to do better in school and now they are not -- well, I'm just taking it a little too much to heart. The ball was in motion long before I got the kids. And for Jonathan, well... ya'll don't know how much things have changed for him. He's been so good, but I know all of this is a major adjustment for him.

So that's the deal with the kids.

The other stuff going on is that Doug is being discharged tomorrow. He'll be going to the Central Tampa facility - but all of his paperwork hasn't yet gone through. Meaning he's not yet been approved for medicaid, meaning there is still a chance that we could be responsible for footing this bill. Ugg.... Chris has to drive over there tomorrow and pick him up and take him to the new place. Oh, and we need to get him a wheelchair pronto. (home health is working on that). Just lots of stuff going on and I'll feel so much better once he is situated someplace where he is happy and safe.

And lastly, Chris's unemployment stopped this week, and that has been a nice help. He's been the one home in the mornings to make sure they get off to school on time and in the afternoons helping with homework... which he could do because of unemployment. Of course there are other things going on in our lives that I don't blog about here... Just trust me when I tell you - overwhelmed is the best word to describe it.

Add to that my strong desire to sing in a chorus that is going to -- gosh, should I just come out and say it how I mean it?? I think I should -- a chorus that is going to suck a lot of my money and a lot of my free time. However, in return, I get out of it a tremendous amount of joy and 'Tina Time' - time just for me being fulfilled. And that... my friend... feels really selfish. So... to go or not to go, that is the question.

You know what I need here? I need a little prayer and a little faith. Who's driving this car anyways? God is.... He knows what he is doing! But at the same time, I want to make sure that he is truly driving and that I'm not turning the wheel then letting go - I want to make sure I'm doing the things God wants me to do.

Speaking of... that's another scary thing for me. I went to chorus last week and testified a lot about God's impact in my life. There are a few scary things about that - first and foremost, I don't want to fall into my old ways... living for me... living for the moment... oblivious to God's work around me. Second, there are 130 of my closest friends up on those risers (my heart just lept with joy when I typed that)... what if some of them think I'm just a windbag, not really a changed person? I mean, I don't really care what others thing, but, I don't want God to get the short end of the stick there. I feel my heart telling me to just speak His word, and all else will fall into place. Do you think that's just my mind talking... or God talking to me. Hmmmmm

I will pray about it after work and see where God leads me............

No comments:

Post a Comment

In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

To Go or Not To Go... That is the question....

No comments:

Have Tina's Daily Blog sent to your email address:

Blog Archive

Followers

About Me

My Favorite Places and People

Blog Stats

In A Nutshell: