Tina's Daily Blog: Julie's Weekly Visit

Friday, May 12, 2006

Julie's Weekly Visit

Well, Julie came over for her weekly visit last night, with Karen supervising. The visit went okay - Julie acts much better with someone here watching her... she's just more.... guarded.

Couple things happened yesterday. In the morning, you should try to understand what our house is like with Chris and I getting ready for work and four teens getting ready for school. All of us have different schedules: Justin gets up at 7am and takes a shower. He finishes and wakes up Jonathan at 7:15. Jonathan finishes and wakes up Kayla who showers at 7:30, and Kayla finishes and wakes up Kayte at 7:45. Add to this myself who gets up at 7:30, and I wake up Chris about 7:40 when I leave for work. Chris gets up and gets ready for work and makes sure the kids are out the door by 8:30, then he goes to work. It's organized but nobody really sees eachother all at one time because everyone is on a different schedule. And... it works!

Well, yesterday Chris had a job interview scheduled at 9am. So, he's up and getting ready to leave - I'm already gone - and he yells something up to the kids about them getting out in time to catch the bus (as he had to leave early). He hears from Jonathan... he hears from Kayte... but nothing from Kayla and Justin. So... he says "I'm missing two 'yes sirs'" or something to that effect. Again, no response. So... Chris asks the question... where are Kayla and Justin? "McDonalds" the kids tell him. McDonalds???? WHAT??? How??? Why????

He calls and reschedules his interview. He hops in the car and drives to McDonalds. Apparently their plan was to go to McDonalds, and then to school (which is just down the road from McDonalds) The kids see him coming and drop their food... stunned that Uncle Chris has shown up at McDonalds. He tells them to get their asses in the car. Now... they rode bikes up there. What bikes?? One is ours - the other belongs to a neighbor. See... they borrowed the bike yesterday when they did the same ding-dang thing! WHAT??? Does this neighbor know that they brought the bike to school and didn't lock it up? Did the neighbor know they were going to have it for a couple days? (No, actually we found out the neighbor thought they were getting it back that afternoon). He brings the kids home and they catch the bus to school like they are supposed to do.

A few thins to point out here. First and foremost, they know they are not allowed to just leave and go where they want. We need to know where they are at all times. Second, they can't bring the bike(s) to school as neither have locks and could very easily be stolen. Third, they caused Chris to miss a job interview. UGG We talked to them about it, and they are pretty much used to sneaking out and doing what they want to do. They did it all the time with their mom at home. We explained - again - that it wasn't going to happen here! When I got home from work last night, there were apology notes written and taped all over our bedroom doors. When Julie came over last night, the only thing she could say was how much stuff SHE did when she was a kid... so she understood what they did and why. **Sigh**

Lots of people have expressed surprise that Justin snuck out with Kayla. Now... Kaya did tell him that she got permission from us, but this is not Justin's first time sneaking out. Last night all the stories came out! Justin previously snuck out at home to go and egg houses with friends. (They even egged their own home so that it didn't look like it was possible they did it) Lovely! They each told stories of sneaking out and having friends in the house when mom was passed out sleeping hard (probably from meds or dope).

I missed chorir rehearsal last night as we were hanging out with Julie at her visit all night. Bummer man... I'm just loving singing!!! God - I am so happy that I have decided to re-join Toast of Tampa!!! But singing at Church will keep me God-focused, no doubt. It's all for Him and all because of Him and I can't ever lose sight of that.

One last thing happened yesterday. I'm supposed to write some kind of a note to the courts about Julie's hearing next month for reunification. (She'll have one every 6 months until she gets her kids back) Here's what I sent:

Re: Julie
Case No: 508000
Court Date: 6/01/06

To Whom It May Concern:

I wanted to express my opinions to the court regarding Julie’s case plan and eventual reunification with her three children, Kayla, Justin and Kayte.

I am Julie’s oldest sister and have known her since birth, and I have known the children all of their lives as well. Julie has always suffered from mental health issues. Prior to Ron’s passing, Julie was still suffering from all of the same mental health problems as she does today, and had exhibited many of the same neglectful issues that she has lost custody of her children for (i.e.: prescription abuse, drug abuse, overdosing, suicidal attempts, sexual addictions, and self-mutilation). While her husband (Ron) was alive, the family unit was better equipped to deal with her actions and frequent hospitalizations. After Ron passed, the family began to spiral out of control and Julie had lost the one person who held the family together for years. I won’t comment on all of the things that Julie ‘did’ because it is all in her case file – but I can assure you that every accusation in her case file is true and correct.

I have attended a few therapist appointments with Julie, and I was shocked at what I learned while there. In a nutshell, Julie parents and acts as if she were 15 years old. She seems to have no morals, values or ethics. Julie believes that – if something was once done by someone, somewhere, at some time – that it is then okay for her to do the same thing. She has absolutely no problem with putting a large tattoo on her 12 year old daughter, and has already put a very large tattoo (Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang-name under it) on her 14 year old daughter. When originally told that she was not allowed to see the children, her very first words to me were… “When are they going to be in a public place so that I can go there and run into them and see them then?” Julie allowed a 19-year-old gang leader sleep, not only in her house, but in the same bed as her 14 year old daughter. (In her daughter’s words: “he cuddled with me every night and we only had sex a few times.”) There are dozens more examples I could give, but I will leave it at that.

I honestly do not know why the children were not taken from Julie sooner. I know, for a fact, that in the past Julie has told her psychiatrist and/or therapist that she heard voices that were telling her to hurt her children, but that she was able to not act upon those voices. (She was proud of the fact that she was able to ignore the voices) Every family member that I know of believes that Julie needs to stay in a long-term facility and get treatment. I believe, as do these other family members, that Julie’s mental problems long precede this recent event leading up to her children being taken away. I also feel that, while Julie may be working on issues that relate to her children being taken away, that the underlying issue of Julie’s poor mental health and a long-term mentally stable treatment plan are what Julie needs most. Being a mother myself, I completely understand Julie’s desire to have her children back in her home as soon as possible so that she is able to raise them for the few short years she has left of their childhood. However, as her sister, it is my desire for Julie is to take this opportunity to completely and thoroughly address her mental health issues and for Julie to be stable enough to be able to live long enough to see her Grandchildren. Finding a long-term treatment plan, I feel, is of the utmost importance at this time.

I also have great concern about Julie’s current psychiatrist and therapist being able to properly help Julie. They both have been treating Julie since 1991. Frankly, if they haven’t been able to get her on the right track in the past 15 years, what makes anyone think that they will be able to do something in a few months or even a year? Furthermore, I am extremely concerned about the fact that both doctors were aware of neglect and abuse and failed to report it to the proper authorities – and that these same physicians are the ones that are supposed to treat her enough to be able to report back to the court that she is capable now of raising her children. I believe that it would be in everyone’s best interest for Julie to see other physicians through this process. I have been told the only reason that Julie continues to see these doctors is because they do not charge her the co-payment they are required under contract with TriCare to charge her. To that end I will simply state that I currently have to pay co-payments for her three children to see each and every one of the physicians and therapist needed. A simple co-payment should not be the determining factor of Julie seeing ‘the right’ doctor for her care.

I have had the children in my home full-time since the first of January 2006. Since that time, Julie has had many setbacks. Although I know that she loves her children, she also breaks or bends rules to fit what “Julie” wants. It was her actions that caused me to have to stop phone calls and unmonitored visits. From 6-10 phone calls a day to wanting the kids to lie down in bed and cuddle with her while at a party, Julie continues to exhibit a complete lack of understanding of right and wrong. After one of the therapist visits, in which I confided how one of her children felt about a man whom Julie was having move into her home, Julie’s first phone call (while I was still at work) was to that child to ask why she said what she did to me. She then proceeded to question all three children until it got to the point where I was called by one of them in tears. This was completely unacceptable behavior in my opinion and phone calls were stopped. However, Julie – to this day – still lacks a basic understanding of how what she is saying to the children is going to affect them. She does things (from staying off drugs and having the gang members move out of her house, to what she can or can not say to the kids) simply because she is told to… not because she understands why. This is my concern with reunification. In my opinion, Julie not only needs to demonstrate that she can do things properly as she is told to do, but also that she has a clear understanding of why. Otherwise I fear that after reunification Julie will go back to doing what she has always done in the past and the children will be taken once again.

Julie also continues to lack a basic understanding of why her children were removed in the first place. Although she can tell you ‘why’ and it will be exactly what you want to her, she constantly complains about why other bad mothers (crack-heads, abusers, etc) still have their children and she does not. Julie simply does not see the severity of what she has done and/or is doing and how it affects her children. In addition, Julie is currently treating her case plan as if it were a simple checklist. For example, she is more concerned with finding a parenting class that she can attend for free than she is finding one that can teach her to better parent her children. In her eyes, as soon as she attends those parenting classes, she is ‘fixed’ in that area. She does not realize that she needs to learn from it and completely change the way she parents her children. I believe that is simply because she truly doesn’t understand that things she did and decisions she made were wrong. Again, this is a part of the underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

I love my sister very much, and I would like nothing better than for her to be with her children, safe and happy. However, I also have witnessed first hand the reasons why her children were first removed as well as the events that lead up to that. My simple wish is that Julie will get the long-term mental health care that she needs that will allow her to grow up and grow old a happy and productive member of society.

I thank you for all the effort that is being put into the well-being of the children. I am doing my best to make sure they are safe and well taken care of.

In harmony,

Tina
Guardian / Aunt for Kayla, Justin and Kayte
4718 Bullock Ct.
Tampa, FL 33624

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, May 12, 2006

Julie's Weekly Visit

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