Tina's Daily Blog: Lies.... Lies.... Lies.....

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Lies.... Lies.... Lies.....

Where to start with this blog..... to get a few updates out of the way, no results on the audition yet it's 5 days now so I don't have a lot of hope that we did pass, but I'll let you know when I hear something. Again, I wouldn't be devastated if I didn't make it - I really did a horrible job on Audition, and it's in God's hands anyways. I'm still having headaches every day - and the doctor still has not called me back, but I did fill my iron pill prescription... we'll see if we can get that iron level up to something higher than a 10, eh? I bet I'll bet I'd feel much better then!

Thursday night we were on our way to Choir rehearsal and received a call from the ALF that Doug choked at dinner and had to go to the ER. (We got news about Jimmie's heart attack while on the way to choir rehearsal as well - odd, huh?) We went up to the hospital after rehearsal and he ended up being okay... they gave him a breathing treatment and he had no signs of Pneumonia, so they sent him back to the ALF about 1 am. Long night.

Food situation at home is okay. Funny, but okay. Funny because we always find it amazing how much food the kids are packing away, and we just have to laugh about it. (Choices... laugh or cry... we choose to laugh) Chris and I went to the grocery store yesterday. I bought strawberry jam and asked Chris if he thought I should buy grape for the kids. He said no because we had bought a huge 2-pack from Sam's that one day a few weeks ago when we spent the $600 on groceries. Now, this is Sam's and we are talking about two very large jars. We get home... look.... ALL of that jelly is gone. How do you go through that much Jelly? Especially at the rate the rest of the food goes away? Loaf of bread a day... gallon of milk a day... orange juice a day or two... they could eat Romain noodles for breakfast lunch and dinner! Simply unreal.

Now for an update on the kids.... Justin, Jonathan and Kayte are all doing very well. Amanda is home from Orlando. More on that in a bit. Kayla... well... not so well. Where to begin with this one....

Kayla's been telling little lies a lot lately. Example: I've explained to her why she doesn't need a whole new wardrobe to go to school - she wore uniforms last year, starting a new school in the new neighborhood with totally new friends, and she HAS a a lot of very nice clothes. Julie told me that Kayla keeps complaining to her about it - saying she HAS to have new clothes for school. Julie wants me to talk to Kayla about it so she'll stop complaining. I talk to Kayla about it, she tells me her mom was lying, she never said that. There are lots more examples, but they are just little things here and there. Until this afternoon when the wheels came off....

I go on their 'junk' computer... the one we let the kids surf on. I see a different log in name under 'myspace', but can tell that it's Kayla's log in. I ask her about it, she tells me that it's an account she used a long time ago, but she hasn't been on it 'in a long time'. I ask for the password, and I log on. I was totally unprepared for what I saw. 57 friends, most of them men (older teenagers to young men). Her info said that her name was 'Shannon', and she had a different picture up (a pretty young girl). The account was set to 'Public'. And in the history I read what she's been doing. She pretends she's this girl, 'Shannon', who is a cousin of Kayla. Shannon tries to flirt with the guys, but then is too busy with a current boyfriend, so she suggests they try hooking up with her cousin, Kayla (and she gives them Kayla's info). She's also used this account to talk to ex-boyfriends, find out why they broke up with Kayla and beg them (as Shannon) to get back with Kayla.

How many rules did she violate here? I was going to list them.. but you are I'm sure thinking the same things I did.

Chris and I were livid. We simply couldn't believe she resorted to this. I talked to her over and over again, and she simply doesn't see what she did wrong. She's willing to accept punishment like a good girl, but I want her to LEARN what she's doing that's wrong. I heard it through the grapevine that Kayla was upset that Chris said some curse words while we were both yelling at her. OMG... she has no idea how lucky she is that it's ALL we did! I'm sure this is part of God's plan... that we are supposed to show her how this is wrong and teach her how to find a good guy. But I fear it's too late for her. I mean, her actions are exactly that of her mom. I found myself on the phone talking to Julie about it - telling Julie how it scared me that Kayla really felt that she needed the approval, love and affection of these young men to somehow feel better about herself. And I actually almost laughed while saying it because I realized I could have been talking about Kayla... or Julie! Sigh..... The sad thing is that I know that it's not in DCF's plan at all to address Julie's sex addict problem. So.... anyways.

Let's see... good news.... I've continued to lose weight for no apparent reason, and I just couldn't be happier. Here's the hard part... I hate telling people how much because then they tend to look at you and wonder 'what was bigger before'. I really don't want that. If you are interested though... the number as of this morning is.... 33 lbs. YEAH! I got to go into the office closet and pull out clothes I haven't worn in eons - tried them on - and they all FIT. Course then I have my tiny clothes in boxes from when I was very sick... size 7 and so on... and I really don't WANT to be that thin ever again. But just getting down a little feels really great. And, I now have lots more clothes to wear!

More good news. Amanda got home from Orlando about 2am, but I woke her up at 8am and asked her if she wanted to go to Church, and she said YES! She went with us and didn't get struck down by lightening and nobody came up to her and tried to convert her on the spot (her biggest worry about coming). Pastor Matthew wasn't there, but still the service was great. I hope God spoke to her heart because I really feel that she is lost and that only He can guide her in the right direction. Please pray for her.

Finally, on the way out of church, Amanda (not my Amanda, a member of the praise team) approached me and told me that she had read the blog for the first time and that she was really praying for us. I can't tell you how much your thoughts and prayers help us! I swear to you... we can feel it! Amanda... and anyone else reading this - thank you! We are undeserving of your prayers as well as God's blessings, but appreciate them so very much!

Here's a quote for to to finish the day today. It's Sunday and I have oodles of laundry to do today:

Our children are watching us live, and what we ARE shouts louder than anything we can say. --Wilferd A. Peterson

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: I used to live in Tampa and was searching for area blogs. Your name sounded familiar so I read into your posts.

I wish you much success on your journey. I can only imagine what you and your family are going through. You are in my prayers. Best of luck on the praise team audition.; 10:49 PM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Lies.... Lies.... Lies.....

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