Tina's Daily Blog: And The Sister Of The Year Award Goes To.....

Monday, July 17, 2006

And The Sister Of The Year Award Goes To.....

Katie Roman! **applause** Yes, Katie is awesome. She took all three kids in for their dental exams... their first ever dental exams. No cavities for the girls - yeah! She then took care of the girls hair... dying it back to it's natural color and giving them trims. (They had at one time bleached it and they had root growing out at least 3 inches) They look MARVELOUS. Thank you so much Katie! You are the BEST!

And while I'm giving shout-outs --- thank you to NANA (Evelyn Dean) who took Jonathan in for an eye exam and is getting him glasses and contacts before school starts. THANK YOU NANA!

As for me... I'm just a little down - yet again - today. Stress is just enslaving me and I can't seem to break free from it. I was up with a panic attack at 6am this morning (those who know me know that I am NOT a morning person). I won't get into the details, I don't want to bring anyone down with me. As you can guess, it starts with mo and ends with ney. Please pray for us.

Speaking of Chris - he's home today as he hurt himself while at work today. (Course he's self employed with no insurance... so he's doctoring himself) He apparently hit his head and then sprained his ankle. This was not news that was going to cheer me up today. Please pray for quick healing for him. I don't know how serious it is as I'm still at work and haven't seen him.

On to other news....
Friday afternoon I had a one-hour conversation with Karen (the DCF lady). I sent her an email because the kids (and Julie) have been talking a LOT lately about going home soon. The kids sent emails out to their friends telling them that they'd be home in January. Now... giving set dates or time-frames to the kids is not allowed (it's one of the reasons Julie now needs supervised visits) . When I questioned the girls about it, they told me that Karen told them they'd be home in January. So - I wrote to her and told her how I felt. Here is what I sent to her....

I just talked to the kids... they've been making plans with their friends in Riverview for things they are going to do when they go back home in January. Two parts of this upset me... one being of course that it pains me to think of them leaving us - I think that's normal.... the second part that upsets me about that is that the kids will be devastated if a date is set and they don't meet it. So... I talked to them (as we've had this talk with them before and their mom has been the one telling them how long until they can expect to be home) and the kids tell me that YOU told them they'd be going home in January.

What you don't realize about Julie is that - she was drastically bad (and bad often) when you met up with her earlier this year. Typically, when her husband was alive and throughout her life, she
gets bipolar and goes - nuts - about every 3-4 months. I think that Julie is doing AWESOME right now. But I think it's premature for us to give these kids a date.

Here is what the kids grandmother (Gwen) told me to tell you:
You should remind the DCF worker that for the past 10 years or so, Julie has this on-again, off-again thing with her sanity. In order to pronounce her "well" enough to have her children, I think she should be "hospital free" for longer than a few months. Her usual cycle is about 90 days. Every 90 to 120 days, she is in the hospital. If she can go 12 to 18 months without a hospital stay, drugs, or cutting incident, I think that would be a time think about letting her have them again.

Listen... everything I said in my letter to the court still stands... 8 months ago... these kids were living in hell - smoking pot, people having sex all over the house, gang members living there, violence, the kids stealing and vandalizing, Julie trying to kill herself every single day while at the same time huffing, smoking and taking drugs. Eight months ago. Justin was thinking suicidal thoughts while living at home with his mom - he's going to need therapy set up in order to go back home (have you requested records from that doctor?) so I'm going to need to know when to set that up. If it sounds like I'm terrified that things are going to slip back to their old ways even a little... it's exactly right. I am worried about it. It took months for my life to settle down to some level of normalcy after the kids were placed with us - and when they go back - I hope and pray it's for good because I don't want to go through this all over again.

You know... you say that the kids are older so it's a little better. I don't know about that. What I've witnessed over the past 7 months is kids turning from really troubled teens into productive teens. The last thing our society needs is more troubled teens... more kids stealing, robbing, vandalizing, etc. I've no doubt that - if left alone at home - at least 2 of the kids would have been arrested for some crime within the year 2006. Instead they are going to church and talking about college. But how close we came to losing these kids all together... if this had happened a year or two from now, would DCF had jumped in as they did this time?

Anyways.... I wanted to again convey these feelings with you and share the opinions of their
grandmother.

Please let me know when the court date is in January. I want to be there for this one.

So... Karen calls me. She swears that she did NOT tell the kids any-such-thing. She said that it is a strict violation of rules and she would never do this. She told me that she could face disciplinary action should she have said something like that. (And that she now has to print a copy of my email and explain it to her supervisor in writing) She is going to come over and talk to the kids --- face-to-face -- and let them know what's going on and how long it's most likely going to be.

I also told her that I had become so attached to the kids that I was afraid that I might be in some fantasy world where I think it's going to be a while before they go home, but in actuality it's much sooner than that. She told me that she is very well aware of what happens when a relative caregiver 'sabotages' a reunification... and that I was not one of those people - not even close. She wished all caregivers were as great as we are... blah blah blah. But it did feel good that she told me this.

She told me that she wasn't able to get Julie in to see the Psychiatrist she wanted (after a month of leaving messages and not being called back), so she had to settle and go with someone else. She told me that everything really hinged on this doctor's testimony. And that... even if he thought Julie could get the kids back to raise, she'd most likely have to be drug-free and no psychotic breaks (cutting herself, attempted suicide, etc) for one full year for this to happen. And then - once it did happen, Julie would get partial custody... having them for weekends and Holiday's. So... the kids are really far off (in her opinion) from going home.

I simply told her that Julie and the kids all feel it's going to happen in months (if not sooner) and that SHE needed to be the one to make sure everyone understood what the plan was. I'm tired of feeling like the wicked sister and wicked Aunt because I am not as optimistic as they are. Julie is doing so very well... and I don't want this kind of news to totally throw her off track!

Speaking of Julie, to let you know how she's doing... she's working now at Circle K, full time. She's on her feet all day and so her feet are killing her. She's going to a doctor today to ask about getting special shoes to help -- but I told her that I thought the shoes might help a little, but that she needed to work on her weight in order for her feet to feel better (she's close to 200 lb overweight, weighing in at more than 325 at 5'4"). We'll see if the shoes help. I am really proud of her for working though. :o)

And an update on me.... the Doctor called on Saturday (finally!). Yes there is an area they want checked out on an MRI. (No surprise there) I've got to go to their office and pick up the prescription. Hopefully I can go there after work and get that done. Then to make time to get the MRI done. UGGG The headaches are some better really. I'm not sure if that's because I'm popping some pill or another throughout the day or because it's actually a little better. In any case, without question I do still have headaches every day... they just are not as bad all the time. Again... because of meds? I'm not sure.

I would really love it if you could all pray extra hard for Chris, the kids and I tonight.

I leave you with this... to which I think I will read over and over and over again...

NEVER GIVE UP

No matter what is going on
Never give up

Develop the heart
In your country too much work is spent developing the mind
Instead of the heart

Be compassionate
Not just to your friends
But to everyone
Be compassionate

Work for peace
In your heart and in the world
Work for peace

And I say again
Never give up

No matter what is happening
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up

The Dalai Lama

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, July 17, 2006

And The Sister Of The Year Award Goes To.....

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