Happy Halloween

I received a call today from Dottie (the kid's guardian ad litem) who told me there were some articles in the Tampa Tribune recently about the Foster Care program in Tampa. I went online to see what I could find, and came across the following interesting facts:

• About 4,600 children are in foster care in Hillsborough county. The number fluctuates from day to day. Of these, about 1,400 are teens.
• Almost 300 are in approved but non-licensed homes headed by friends or acquaintances. These caregivers get no money to help cover their costs. (This is where we fall on the list)
• More than 1,500 children are in homes with approved relative caregivers, who receive a monthly stipend of $288 and Medicaid coverage for each child if the child has been declared dependent by the court.
• Licensed foster parents with a child about $516 per month per child, plus Medicaid.
• Shelter rates are between $15 and $20 a day, depending on the age of the child.
• Children get an initial clothing stipend of $50 and an annual clothing allowance of $300.
• Hillsborough Kids Inc. spends about $60 million a year to provide services. That includes compensation and benefits for 23 employees, three of whom make more than $80,000 a year. CEO Jeff Rainey's salary is $154,000, which is less than that paid to former CEO Chris Card who earned $176,251; he left in January 2005.
• There are fewer than 500 licensed foster homes in the Hillsborough Kids Inc. system.

I'm thinking I should become a licenced Foster Home and then maybe I'll qualify for some of the assistance listed above! I was actually TOLD by Karen, our old Hillsborough Kids worker, that I was lucky to be getting a social security check for the kids every month, that it was 'more than foster parents get'. Well... judging from what was printed in the paper, she was wrong. I would receive a little more than $1,000 more a month if I were receiving the benefits listed above. Not only $1,000 a month, $1,000 more a month.

It also SHOCKS me that the CEO of this 'not for profit' company brings home more than twelve thousand dollars a month in salary. Every single month folks! And I worry about how I'm going to put food on the table every night for all these kids. Holy cajolie...... What is wrong with this system????

I talked to Dottie about it sometime later after reading the article. She said she wanted me to read it because she thinks that after the kids are gone I'd make a great foster mom - in particular because I already know the system and because I now would know - up front - what benefits are available. One benefit of this might be that Chris and I, I believe, would get Medicaid benefits ourselves. (Chris is in some serious need of dental work which would be covered if he were on Medicaid.) She also mentioned my keen ability to write and ask what assistance is available. She's too sweet. I don't know that I could do this again... but it's an interesting thought. However, one I can't possibly think about right now. LOL

Okay - enough about that - what other information can I blog about?

Julie is completely finished with her comprehensive mental exam. Now all the doctor has to do is 'add up all the points' and sum up his evaluation. I'm on pins and needles wondering what it's going to say. The sad thing is that Julie loves this doctor, and he told her today that he can not see her after this... that he already has a full case load and he wants her to go back and see Dr. Vergeese for her weekly therapy sessions. Again, I'm dying to know what this comprehensive mental exam is going to show. Will she ever be able to parent again? If so... things are going to change quickly as she'll be allowed unsupervised visits as early as next month. If not... the entire dynamic of the family is going to have to change. But, as I've said before... just knowing one way or the other will be a great relief. Because, then I can at least wrap my head around where we are going moving forward... in which direction.

Things with Kayla are........... okay. We didn't really talk last night - we hung out together, went shopping for groceries, cooked dinner, and even ate together - but didn't really 'talk' about what had happened over the weekend. She has a follow up visit with the psychiatrist in a week or two, and I know we'll discuss it then. In the meantime, she's being watched like a HAWK to make sure she doesn't use the phone again.

Tonight the kids will be trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. They are SO excited about Halloween... the yard is done up, decorations around the house... they are really excited about it, and it's just wonderful seeing them so excited. Now I just have to make sure they don't eat too much candy!

I talked some to Gwen today (the kid's grandma up North). She was supposed to come down for Christmas, but now doesn't think she's going to be able to do it. It's a lot to get airfare to Tampa, car rental, hotel, etc. She'd rather buy them a gift and ship it down... but I told her the kids would MUCH rather see their grandma. **grin** But she has a lot going on right now, and I know she's only doing what she needs to do. Still, I'm sad that I won't get to see her... she's a really nice woman and she reminds me so much of Ron. I miss Ron.

Okay.... I better run for today... but I'll leave you with this that I received the other day. Funny how I get these and they are sometimes exactly what I need to hear or read. I may not always be happy, but for sure I know that everything I am doing every day is indeed useful, honorable, compassionate and that I am really making a difference in lives. I suppose that in and of itself should make me happy, huh? Anyways... here's the quote:

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yet MORE Lies

We had another lying episode with Kayla today. Sigh.....

Because of her D on her progress report and D on her report card, she has been on phone restriction - not allowed to make or receive phone calls.

On a somewhat regular basis I will find a cordless house phone in her bedroom but have been unable to 'prove' that she has made calls, so I've let it go. When I've asked her in the past, she has given excuses as to why the phones are in there.

On Friday, I noticed a cell phone in her bedroom. I asked her about it and she said someone had let her borrow it in school on Friday and she forgot to return it. She was going to return it to him on Monday. I might point out here that the phone was on a charger in her room.

I performed in our Toast of Tampa annual show on Saturday and when we got home (about 1:30 am) I noticed we had missed a call - at 1:00 AM. Sunday I called this person back (someone the kids call 'Yo-yo') to ask why in the hell anyone would call our house this late, and the person said that they were returning KAYLA'S call. I confront her about this, and you can probably guess what she said... Yo yo was lying. Okay. I don't believe her one bit. This has happened on multiple occasions... people call for Kayla and when I answer the phone, I say 'she is on phone restriction and can't come to the phone' they say... well, I was returning her call! I'd guess that this has happened at least 7 or 8 times that I know of. As it was today, when Kayla was asked about it on these other occasions, Kayla claims the other person is lying.

Then I go into her room this afternoon and find the cell phone again. I check the dialed calls - and there are probably 21 or so calls logged since Friday afternoon. That's just the outgoing calls. I ask her about it and she - DENIES it. Come on... it's a CELL PHONE LOG... how can you deny it? I ask her if the guy who let her use the phone told her it was okay for her to make calls on it and she said "yes, he has unlimited nights and weekends." Well... first of all, she's on phone restriction, so regardless of what the guy said, it was NOT okay. So... I call the guy who owns the phone (on his mom's cell phone - it's a stored number in the cell phone). I ask if he has unlimited minutes, he says NO. I'm furious with Kayla at this point.

We won't even talk about the received calls... apparently all her friends knew she had a phone for the weekend and just called her all the time. Fricking great.

Then I play around with the phone some more and see that she has also been text messaging like CRAZY using the phone. She's not only text messaging, she's also been sending photos to friends and email addresses. She's been one busy girl totally ignoring her restriction.

I again call the mom's cell phone only this time I get the mom. I explain to her that Kayla has had the phone and ask if she has a text messaging plan on his cell phone, she tells me NO. Holy CRAP. With the photos taken and such... we are talking about possible big bucks.

The mom is furious. She then tells me that SHE CALLED Kayla on Friday afternoon... handed her son the phone.... and watched him as he told her (per the mom's instructions and in front of the mom) to TURN OFF THE PHONE so that it was not used at all on the weekend and just return it to him on Monday, unused. Okay... I'm beyond furious at this point. Guess what Kayla says... the mom is lying... it never happened.

The mom also questions now as to if Kayla 'accidentally' kept the phone, or if she took it with malicious intent... that she kept it knowing she wanted to use it over the weekend. Although I would love nothing better than to try to believe it was an accident, I honestly believe she took it knowing she was going to use it.

I then find out after questioning others in the house that Kayla went to a neighbors house a street away to borrow a charger so that she could charge and use the cell phone all weekend. I also find out that Kayla has bought things online using the cell phone (which will show up on their monthly bill when it comes in). Way way beyond furious, I call Kayla down again. She admits to buying one ring-tone, which I seriously doubt is the extent of all she did. I can feel my blood pressure boiling and the money just flying out of my bank in order to pay all this back.

Throughout this ordeal all afternoon, Chris and I yell at Kayla - in particular as we found out about everything in segments. Chris at one point was yelling at her telling her "Do you know who is responsible for all your actions? All your mistakes? The bill you run up? Your poor judgement?" Kayla tries to say that she is responsible, and Chris immediately points out to her that her Auntie Tina, as her legal guardian, is completely responsible for everything. This of course shakes Kayla up. At one point Chris was telling her that he could almost picture Ron (her daddy) sitting up in heaven, head down in shame, shaking his head back in forth in a 'no' manner and saying "Kayla, Kayla, Kayla... didn't I teach you any better than that?" With this Kayla completely lost it and began crying terribly.

We talked about how scared we were that Kayla exhibited absolutely NO impulse control what-so-ever. She just doesn't 'get it'. Chris and I also explained about "bad intent"... about how if you do something without knowing it was wrong, it's still wrong although better than doing something that you know is wrong and choosing to just do it anyways.

Kayla took the phone, knowing she was on phone restriction. She used the phone at school - rule-breaker #1. She kept the phone - rule breaker #2. When the mom called and asked her to turn it off for the weekend, she ignored the mom - rule breaker #3. She instead borrowed a cell phone charger from a neighbor to keep it going so she could continue to make calls - rule breaker #4. She made multiple phone calls over the weekend - rule breaker #5. She received multiple phone calls - rule breaker #6. She sent and received multiple text messages - rule breaker #7. She downloaded ring-tones and God only knows what else to the expense of the mom's cell phone bill - rule breaker #8. She lied to me about every single one of these.

I did call Julie today who told me that she honestly felt that Kayla would never get any better unless she was locked up in Juvie for a while. Julie explained how she had to go through that. I kinda laughed at that notion, because, although Julie was locked up in Juvie many times -- it did not affect her actions one single bit. As a matter of fact, from my recollection - she just continued to get worse with no regards to anyone around her or her own consequences.

I don't know what to do with her. I hid in my bedroom for about 2 hours after all of this - trying to think through everything. Came downstairs, made dinner - but asked everyone to eat on their own as I didn't want to sit at the table and chit-chat like a normal night. I'm in too much of a funk for that honestly.

Finally all the kids are in bed (or getting there, I need to go up and check on them). I thought I'd take a moment to blog about it... see if I feel any better.

I don't.

Please lift us up in prayer... we could use it tonight and in the days to come as the story continues to unfold.

Christmas Light Story

We had a great night last night... those of us with strep and all... it was still a great night.

I started dinner late, but had planned on making Shepherd's Pie. The kids like this meal pretty well. We sat down to dinner about 8pm. Picture this... 3 lbs of Ground Beef, 1 entire bag of frozen corn, 1 cup gravy, 4 cups of cheese and 16 cups of mashed potatoes. Yes... I like cooking big for the purpose of leftovers. Well... there were NO leftovers last night. Those kids ate and ate and ate and ate. Over and over again I heard how wonderful it was.

This morning I called the new DCF guy, Jay. I had to leave him a message. Poor guy.... brand new to the system and already I have to give him a hard time. My plan is to tell him that he MUST follow up with DCF and make SURE they straighten out the kids insurance mess... or else I am going to be forced to take a stand, gather all bank records of co-payments and such and demand reimbursement for their serious delays and mis-managed records. So far... he's not called me back. (No big surprise there, huh?)

I was talking to my boss this morning who was talking about the 3-story home he just built and the problems he was having with the elevator in the home. I immediately started thinking about medical expenses... how I didn't want to go spend $35 for an office visit to find out if I had Strep Throat or not. No... "didn't want to go" is not the right phrase, "couldn't go" is more accurate. It's that whole paycheck-to-paycheck thing. I realized at that time that, since I get paid only once a month and scheduled all my bills to be paid online the day after that.... how many MORE days there were to the month when I had next-to-nothing in the bank than days when there is an extra $35 in there. It's frightening really. It occurred to me how there are SO MANY people in this country who can not possibly imagine what that is like. So many people who couldn't fathom having to wait 3 days till payday to buy milk and bread, or not going to the doctor because there is nothing extra for the month. I'm not resentful to those people by any means... instead I envy them.

After saying that - I went online looking for a suitable envy quote... and instead found this:
"Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self worth.
Each of us has something to give that no one else has."
My goodness, is that true or what? I mean... I might envy that person who doesn't have to worry about stretching the dollar, but... there is a unique and... dare I say glorious awareness about being where we are financially. Not poor. Not wealthy. We are somewhere in between.

I think about our lives years ago when we had better jobs and more money. Did we do better things... give money to the Church, donations to worthy causes? No. By the same token we didn't live high-on-the-hog, so to speak. We did eat out anytime we wanted to. If Jonathan or Amanda needed a shirt for school, I'd just go out and buy it. We went an saw movies when they first came out. Certainly I was less stressed about money. But we spent very little time as a family. Virtually NO time around the dinner table, little to no time with homework. All the neighborhood kids didn't flock to our house to hang out because things were so 'family-oriented fun'... our kids went to other kids houses. We didn't attend church. And... looking back now.... I would have to have called all of us self-centered.

And now... we have just enough to cover bills and expenses. We have dinner together as a family almost every night. Spend time with the kids talking about homework and their day at school. Our house IS the house where everyone else comes to hang out and play. We attend Church on a regular basis and although can't donate money to it often, we do give lots of time and use our talent to glorify the Lord. And as for Chris and I... for the past year now our lives have nothing to do with "us" - there is absolutely no self-centeredness to us at all. And - God was gracious enough to allow us to do all of this while not being totally 'poor'... but instead, just giving us enough money to do what NEEDS to be done. More stress?? Yes indeed. But -- do the benefits outweigh the stress?? Most of the time I think yes!

So... I've been seriously thinking about it... and after the kids are grown and out of the house, I might seriously think about writing a book. Not just about the kinds of things I talk about here in my blog... but there are many more things that I do not blog about. I don't know who would agree to publish it... but I have lots to say.

Speaking of lots to say.... let's share the Christmas Light Story.. shall we?

Everyone has their own Christmas Light Story... I know. We all have that love - hate relationships as it pertains to those ding-dang lights. Remember the days when one broken light could ruin a whole strand? Yeah... those were the days.

My story begins at a house on Westshore Circle in South Tampa. Chris has always been a "Gotta be better than the next door neighbor's Christmas lights" kind of guy. Every year adding more lights and more lights to the collection.

Chris worked tirelessly in the yard putting lights on every nook and cranny of the house. Along the gutters. In and around the trees. Along the driveway. And in the bushes. Each bush had it's own color, with the chaser lights outlining the frame of the house. Chris worked all day getting them 'just right'. There were extension cords linked to extension cords which plugged into outlets inside and outside the house. They now made the strands the didn't go out when one light was out, but he worked hard to make sure every light in every strand had all working lights so it would look marvelous.

The day faded into night, and finally... he was done! He called Amanda, Jonathan and I out to view the glorious site from the street. I guess you are better able to 'soak in all the beauty' when the distance is from the middle of the street. He's standing there... hands on his hips, head held high, with that "Yep, I did this!" look on his face. And then......... it happened. One strand went out.

It was a red strand on the bush next to the driveway. "Ah crap" or something more vulgar Chris mutters and he walks up to fix the lights. He walks up to the bush... shakes the strand, and nothing happens. He begins to check each bulb, moving around the bush as he's doing so, and - wallah - the lights come back on. He re-joins us in the street - hands back on his hips. "Yes," his looks says "I fixed that". As we are walking back to the front door the same strand of lights go off. We head inside and Chris works on them some more.

Over the next few days Chris realizes that it must be a loose connection in the wiring of the strand because... seemingly for no reason they would just go off and on. We'd walk outside the front door, look to the right, and they were off. He'd go over there, walk around trying to find the loose bulb and - boom - back on again.

Other times we'd be out, come home and night, and the strand would go off, then on. Chris figured perhaps the wind was blowing just right to make the loose electrical connection turn the lights back on. It was frustrating to say the least.

Day after day night after night this continued. Chris was quickly becoming frazzled I could tell. The lights, I'm sad to say, had nearly beaten his love on the Christmas lights. He now resented going outside to see them... as half the time the one strand would be off.

The one day it happened. I was driving later at night, and while still in the street, I can see the strand is out again. I pull into the driveway, and -- the lights come on. I think I was sitting in my car listening to a barbershop learning tape because I didn't get out right away. I remember sitting in the car for a while and I watched as the red lights went out again. By this time I wasn't thinking it was odd... instead I was cursing under my breath as Chris had worked on this so long. I honestly believe that it would have been easier to go to CVS and just buy another red strand and replace them!

I get out of the car and the red strand comes ON again. Hmmm... I think.... that was odd. Chris is inside the house watching TV, and I take a moment to observe the strand. I know Chris has individually replaced by now every single bulb in the strand, checked the connection... so I just survey the surroundings. I see the extension cord.... follow it with my eyes... and where is it connected? What is it's power source???????????

The motion sensor light in the driveway.

The lights are out of it, but there was an outlet there, and he plugged the lights into that.

I go inside the house, get Chris, take him outside, and ask him to follow the strand and see if he saw anything wrong.

You could have blown him over with a feather when he realized what had happened. All the time spent replacing each bulb. The care he gave it. The time he gave it. The curse words said around that bush as he was doing this day after day. We then put the pieces together and realize that every time the lights went on was when he had walked on the side of the bush closest to the driveway, which would make the motion sensor turn on. If you approached the bush from the house you were nowhere near the motion sensor so it stayed off. Until you walked around to the other side of the bush.

Needless to say... we are much more careful about where we plug in our Christmas lights now!

Strep Going Around The House

Sorry I haven't blogged in a few days. I began feeling a little sick on Tuesday with a sore throat. I pretty much have lost my voice at this point - it's there, but raspy.

This morning, Kayla and Justin woke me up before school to tell me they didn't feel good either. I looked in their throats and both of them were just swollen nearly shut. Justin insisted on going to school, Kayla stayed home and I took her to the doctors. He thinks she has strep throat.

Just lovely.

No pressure or anything... my throat hurts so that means I most likely have strep as well. I am supposed to be performing in the biggest barbershop show of the year in 3 days. At Toast of Tampa rehearsal Tuesday night I found out that only 4 tenors qualified to sing on SRO. A chorus of 100+ singers, and only 4 tenors singing. Now they might have only 3 if I can't get better before then. I've GOT to get better before then -- I worked so hard to qualify to sing on the show... passing 7 songs in 3 months. That's a really big deal because, as I explained before, passing means every single note, word, breath, rhythm, intonation, dynamic, everything must be 100%. Not one wrong note anywhere. And I did it. And now.......... sigh...........

Julie had a visit yesterday which went really well. She bought Chinese food which was just AWESOME with me. I've been CRAVING Chinese food... and since we don't eat out or order in... well.... it was a real treat! Couple of things happened that we need to address, but not with the State - nothing 'wrong' at all - just some thing we need to work on.

One of the things I noticed was that all three kids got 'onto' their mom for talking with her mouth full of food. (Why she can't wait 30 seconds to chew and swallow I don't know, but she doesn't.) We've done a great job at correcting the kids to the point where they now notice it with other people. Granted, it IS gross for Julie to do this at the table... food will fall out of her mouth while she's doing it. However, we need to teach the kids that it's not okay to discipline their mom or any other adult for that matter. For example, we are sitting around the table and Chris tells Justin to get his elbows off the table. Even IF my elbows are on the table, as an adult - it's not okay for him to say something to me about it. The kids haven't learned this yet... but I think it is the next logical step for them.

Secondly, I feel compelled to help the kids help their mom with her weight, without 'parenting' their mom or disciplining her or judging her. Example... Julie was on her third full plate of food. Julie asked Justin to bring in the dessert she bought. Chris mentioned something to her about how much she was eating, Julie mentioned that she "still had food left on her plate... that she didn't eat it all" and was still hungry. The kids immediately chimed in with "mom never eats all her food." Now... we've talked to the kids about this before - they honestly believe their mom's weight problem has nothing to do with food. And frankly... I'm very worried about my sister. She's getting bigger and bigger.

What would I like to see? I'd like to see the kids encourage her to eat better. They don't have to 'get onto' their mom when she's on her 3rd plate of food, but they don't have to encourage it either by defending her the way they did. Also, when they go places they could encourage her to take stairs or walk a little more than she normally would. She could not use the stolen handicap tag she has and walk a little further to get into a store, for example. Today at the doctors office, I was thinking about what Julie would do if she were there. The office was on the second floor, and there was a nice leisurely set of stairs to get up there. But I knew Julie would have taken the elevator were she there.

Okay... took a break from the blog (takes longer to blog when I'm not feeling all that well) and went to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy. They STILL do not have all the kids insurance correctly at DCF. It's KILLING me that they still have this messed up and that I haven't been able to correct in in the 10 plus months I've had the kids. I mean... I worked for 16 years doing insurance in a medical office, this is a no-brainer. Here's what's going on:

The kids have Tricare because their dad passed away in the military. DCF gives them Medicaid because they are technically wards of the state at this time. Tricare should be primary, Medicaid should be secondary. Whatever Tricare doesn't pay, Medicaid should pick up.

What has happened is DCF told the Medicaid office that the kids didn't have any insurance. Because of this, Medicaid put them on an HMO which we can't use with the Tricare. As a result, all co-payments are my responsibility. TEN MONTHS I've been trying to get this corrected.

I have faxed their Tricare cards to them multiple times... called them every month. And right now I am on the phone with a woman who tells me that "their cards don't look like insurance cards". I want to reach through the phone and strangle her.

TEN MONTHS.

Oh, and she is LOOKING at the cards I faxed to them LAST month trying to get it straightened out. She's says "I've got it right here, I'll submit them for you now." Yes, she just told me "now" as in... they are sitting her and nobody has submitted them yet. I of course say "You'll submit them NOW? What happened that it didn't happen LAST month? Or maybe when I submitted the cards months prior to that?" Frrrrrrrrrrrrustrating.

I'm going to call the new DCF case worker (once I find out who he is) and tell him that if he doesn't get this fixed in one week... I'm going to submit every single medical and prescription bill I've paid since they've been with me and demand reimbursement.

Yeah............. that'll never happen.

Freaking government.

I Don't Know What The Future Holds

Today at church was just amazing.

Weighing extremely heavily on my heart is Christmas... what to do about the financial responsibility that inevitably surrounds Christmas. Today's message was "Preparing for a Miracle". Boy.... I could use one of those in the next month or two for sure.

Were it just for my kid... just Jonathan at home... and we were this strapped (mind you it might not be that way were it not for the additional kids in our lives right now, but - it is what it is)... what we would most likely do is borrow Peter to pay Paul for a month then take months to 'catch up'. But there's oh so much more to it now... there are three needy teenagers in addition to my own. And I don't mean needy in a bad way - I mean needy in that they are in need of an overabundance of love and support which they tend to soak right up, in addition to regular teenage things and resources.

When I've prayed about what to do for the kids and for the family whom we usually buy presents for on Christmas... I feel an overwhelming sense of someone telling me 'don't worry about it'. Course, it ain't that easy! When I think about the kids, I have a feeling that they will be okay. I'm going to post a 'most needed' list shortly which will list the things that we would really like most - maybe some of my blog readers will feel compelled to get them something. When I think about the family, I'm torn.... I know that they all know that they all totally understand that there are BIG things going on here and that they are all "the right things for the right reasons". For this reason, I think family members will understand when we are unable to get them anything for Christmas - but still, man... if I could just do something or buy something to SHOW them how much their love and support to me and my family means to me over the years - and in particular THIS past year. **sigh**

So this message today... how to prepare for a miracle...

You first have to recognize the need. Done! No problem on that one - needs identified!

Second is to do what is possible.... and leave the impossible to God. This is where it gets a little tricky. How do I know that I have really done everything possible? Could I do more? In my heart of hearts I feel that I should not run out and get a part-time job at night to help cover the expenses that come with this time of year. I've played it all out in my head... and it's just not feasible. But is it required to cover that "everything possible" portion of this preparing for a miracle? I'm still not certain.

Then you make sure that you give the glory to God for the miracle and make IT all about God. That part has been pretty easy for me. God IS my rock, my savior, my guide and my salvation. I tell everyone who will listen about the great things He has done for me. For me. That still blows my mind... given that I am so incredibly unworthy. **sigh**

The biggest thing that Pastor Matthew said today was:
"I don't know what the future holds,
but I do know who holds my future"
It simply doesn't get any more real than that folks. Can I get an "Amen!"

The most ironic part of the service today was that - Pastor Matthew asked for a special offering financial gift. It's a long story, but - our church is expanding and opening other churches in the area. We are going to be a multi-location church with the main hub being our Church on Lakeshore. He went on to explain that in the 14 years he'd been a pastor there at Van Dyke he'd only asked for money 'above and beyond' two times... once for building the youth ministry at church and now this. He asked us to pray about it and put in an "IOU" that we would bring next week. Chris and I prayed about it and a number came into my head. $75.00 Now... you need to know that $75 to us right now is HUGE. Here I am - having panic attacks over being able to pay bills and worried about Christmas - and God puts it in my heart to promise to give $75 next week? With an overwhelming sense of "God MUST know what he's doing", I wrote it on a piece of paper and threw it in the box. Sure hope God isn't up there going... "No, Tina! I meant seventy five CENTS!" Yeah, that God... has a sense of humor sometimes doesn't he?

I went tonight to pick the high-schoolers from their Sunday night session. I was sitting in the dark parking lot, convertible top down, staring up at the sky - praying. Praying for answers to all of this. Christmas. Finances. Praying for a miracle. And frankly, feeling beaten and afraid. A woman whom I had met once or twice prior came up to my car. She's a nice lady with a great son who is just joining VanDyke. (I might add here that I referred them!!) She told me that - she hoped I wasn't offended, but she had read my blog. Immediately my heart sank... was she going to tell me that I shouldn't put that kind of personal information out there on the big world-wide web? Was she going to tell me that my bolds, italics or poor grammer distract her? No. She told me that she thought I was "the most amazing woman she'd ever known". Yes, of course - you know me - I started sobbing right there (quietly to myself so she didn't know). But - wow - for her just to say that right there -- right then. After she left, I looked up at the sky and thought... "Did you just send me an angel? Was that the answer to my prayer? It doesn't matter about Christmas because... the life changing things that are occurring in the day-to-day happenings are one hundred times more important than the one day on Christmas 2006? And - inside my heart I felt the answer... God send her to me not to answer any question, but rather, to keep me strong. Keep my faith. Keep doing what I'm doing, and don't question Him. Trust Him. Do the possible - leave the impossible to God.

I was going to give you a 'top' list of things we could really use this Christmas later, but -- it's in my heart to put it down now. God has been IN my heart a lot tonight, so I think that I'm going to listen to this inkling and put it down.

1) The kids need clothes. They are outgrowing what they have and are trying to wear them anyways. But, boy - their sizes? Girls are probably a 4... boys are both 14's. The best place for the girls to get clothes is a place called Plato's Closet. It's a consignment shop for teens and they can get a pair of pants that might usually cost $30 for around $5. Shirts can range from a buck to $10, and the reason the kids love this place... all designer logos and in good condition. A parent's dream!
2) The kids could always use gift certificates to anywhere. Old Navy. Rave. Sears. JC Penny. Doesn't matter... when they get to go out and pick something out, they love it. And as I've said, the kids need clothes really bad.
3) Gift certificates for food. I've told you time and time again... they eat like nothing I've ever seen before. And maybe - if nothing else - a gift certificate will free up some extra cash we weren't expecting to have and we would be able to provide something extra for them.

I had a #4 in there that had something for Chris and I -- but -- ya know what? If the kids are taken care of, I think we will be okay too!

It felt good to just say that... "it'll be okay". **closes her eyes and thinks about staring up into the beautiful sky earlier tonight** Yes it is true and worth repeating... "I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future."

Results From The Visit

Well.... I have news from the doctor (Psychiatrist) I took Kayla to last night. The visit itself went pretty well. Kayla seemed to like her pretty well, although it was a diagnostic visit, not a therapy session by any means. The doctor took all the information and asked a lot of questions. The funniest ones were the questions: "Start with the number 102 and subtract 7, how many is that?" Kayla would use her fingers to do the math and respond (funny because this was right after Kayla boasted about being in advanced math). "Now subtract 7 from that" and Kayla really really really struggled with this test. She asked her "What does the proverb: "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" mean?"... and Kayla was absolutely bum-fuddled. The doctor explained that there really was no right or wrong answer, but Kayla couldn't answer it at all. Throughout the testing she'd ask her to repeat 3 words she asked her to remember in the beginning. I know Kayla found the whole thing pretty difficult and frustrating.

She also asked her the three wishes question: "If you had three wishes and could do anything - what would your wishes be?" Kayla responded that she would 1) have nice fingers/fingernails - 2) She would have all the clothes she ever wanted and 3) she'd bring back Shelby (our dog, Labrador, who died a couple years ago). She also asked Kayla if she could change one thing about herself/behavior, what would it be, and Kayla said that she would stop being mean to her sister Kayte.

Anyways - the end result was four possible diagnoses.... and she's not sure which one (or more than one) she has because she has symptoms of all four....
- Bipolar
- Personality Disorder
- OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
- ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)

The most likely of the four is OCD - this is the one that Kayla exhibits the most symptoms of (nail biting to the point of absurdity, compulsive lying, and how she does everything 'over the top'). She asked Kayla if she wanted to just do therapy or did she want medication, and Kayla said she wanted medication. So... she put her on Prozac -- however -- strongly warned me to watch her closely as - if Kayla is bipolar, this medication would make her extremely manic. If Kayla does become extremely manic we are to call her as it would mean for sure that she is bipolar. The doctor is going to see her back in 3 weeks to see how she is doing. (Grrrrrreat - another appointment!)

I'll tell ya, we've been so busy. Poor Justin has needed a haircut for two weeks now, and I just can't get him in there. First, there's the money - but secondly the time! By the time I get out of work, there is just no time before 7 pm where I can get him over for a haircut. Frustrating....

I just talked to Dottie (the kids guardian ad litem) and explained everything. I also expressed concern that there just wasn't enough time to do everything that needs to be done. Kayla and Kayte need to get back in with their therapist every other week, now Kayla has an additional visit monthly with the Psychiatrist, and I'm still nowhere with finding a therapist for Justin - but even if I did... WHEN would I be able to take him?? I can't even find the time for a haircut!

I'm spread so thin... money is spread so thin... and it just feels tremendously difficult so often. And still I look at the calendar - December is right around the corner.........

The Psychiatric Visit

Today is a big day. Kayla is going to see the psychiatrist who should determine if Kayla is bipolar or if she has some other problem. I'm nervous as heck about the whole thing... there is so much to say in such a short time - I hope I get it all okay.

I spent the morning and afternoon yelling at the kids. The new restriction is that nobody does anything - games, computers, friends coming over or them going out - until EVERYONE has all their clothes done and their rooms are picked up. Messy rooms drive me crazy to begin with, and these kids have so many clothes on their floor that they call 'dirty' it drives me insane. You can't even open their bedroom doors without it hitting dirty clothes on the floor.

I went to take a shower yesterday and ALL the towels in the house were gone - dirty somewhere in their rooms. We have over THIRTY towels.... they are supposed to wash their clothes every week. They are supposed to re-use towels. There should be NO reason that I have no towel to dry myself off with. Chris and I are really good about re-using towels for the week. AND I wash every single one of my dirty clothes every single Sunday. Why can't they do the same on their day? UGGGGGG

So anyways - tonight is the big night. Kayla meets the doctor. Doctor tells us if Kayla is just fine or if there is something else going on. I can't imagine that nothing is going on. Kayla is too "up and down" all the time for there to be nothing. But who knows... I'm no professional!

Speaking of professional........... I passed all my music for the Toast of Tampa show.... and all the choreography... and all the costume stuff is taken care of. Which means, I'm 100% qualified for the entire show! This is a big deal as not a lot of people (who have even been there for years) are qualified for the entire show (there were only 30 completely qualified as of yesterday morning). I joined the first of July and am now 100% qualified for the show. I'm super excited about it! It was a lot of hard work... but worth it. The show is next weekend, and after that I can begin to focus more of my time and singing on the Van Dyke Christmas stuff. :o)

It's time to go.... please say a quick prayer for me tonight that all will go well at the psychiatrist office today for Kayla. It's a fine line to walk... to say everything that needs to be said and not hurt her feelings. Sigh........... pray for us!

Ironic ? ! ? !

Have you ever had one of those days where you really truly felt like nothing was going to work out? That's the kind of day I am having. It's just ironic that my last post was "Never Lost Hope" and today... I feel like I have lost hope.

First of all, I have an incredibly busy week this week. Tonight Dottie (Guardian ad litem) is coming over at 4:30, Natalia (and probably the guy who is replacing her as her last day is this Friday) will be here at 5:30, Justin has baseball practice at 7:00 - and in between this Justin really needs a haircut. There just isn't enough time in the day....

The rest of the week is just the same... too much going on every single day.

But why does it feel like nothing is going to work out? I look at the calendar and we are already going into our 3rd week of October. Christmas is sitting at the bottom of my 3 month wall calendar, and it's terrifying to know it's that close. It's the 16th of the month... I'm two weeks away from payday... and I have $17 in the bank. I am working as hard and as much as I can, I'm giving as much of my time as I can, applying every penny I have in the places I think I need. And it just always feels like I need more. More time. More money. More everything. And there is just no more to give.

Of course, there are lots of things I don't usually talk about. Chris has to go up to Tennessee to take care of his dad's house so we can get it on the market and get out from under that house payment. The plan is to do that in 3 weeks or so. That leaves him out of town not working, which we really can't afford either. But the guy he's working for doesn't have jobs for him every day anyways, so maybe that'll be okay. Maybe. If he could get one or two side jobs between now and then it might be. Then there's the fact that we owe so much on Doug's cards that we've been unable to pay since all of his money now goes to the Assisted Living Facility. This falls squarely on us now since Chris became his power of atty after Doug's stroke. There goes our credit, but what can ya do, right?

Sigh.................. come on Tina.... breathe in........ breathe out.......

I'll try to change the subject and see if I feel any better.....

A quick follow up on last post - Julie came over for her weekly visit Friday. The visit went okay - she took the kids out to buy Halloween costumes. Justin a Banana, Kayte a baby, Kayla a playboy bunny. That last one I wasn't too sure about... so I made her put shorts on under the very short skirt. Julie told me that I 'had' to let Kayla wear it because she bought it for her. Now, with the shorts, I was okay with letting her wear it, but I certainly don't like being told that I have to let her do anything if I didn't want her to. Anyways......

When Julie was there, Jonathan told Kayla about what I found on Kayte's myspace account. Kayla told Kayte and Kayte went and DELETED her entire myspace profile. I talked to Kayte about this and long story short - she got tired of always being told she was on the computer too much anyways and thought it was just easier to do away with it. Can I get an "Amen!" AMEN! Wait -- I just went and checked her email and see that on Saturday, she re-created her myspace again. Shhhheeeeeeeeeeesssssssssshhhhhhhh.

Yeah, still no luck getting myself out of this funk I am in. God always comes through....... mabye I just need to pray..... pray hard. Please pray with me.......... pray for me.

Lord, I know that you are in control. I know sometimes I lose faith and feel overwhelmed by everything going on. Please know that this is not because I lose faith in you, but rather, because I lose faith in myself. Please help me to remember that you are in control. Help me to remember that you have the plan. I ask that you please come into my life and take over... for you know that I am not strong enough to do this on my own, and that I am not financially able to deal with everything I have in my life right now. But I know that through you, all things are possible. For this reason, I pray for the possible. Lord, you know that when I am trying to deal with it on my own, these things feel impossible. Lord, I know that I should give it all to you - and I do try to do that most of the time - but at times I feel like I am holding on to these problems myself, afraid to give them over to you. I ask that you take them out of my hands, pry them out of my hands if you need to. For I have total faith that you can do what seems impossible. Amen.

Never Lose Hope

I took a day to really try to digest everything that happened on Wednesday, and I still feel as great about it as I did then - which is awesome. People keep asking me how Julie is doing, is she angry or upset... and the honest answer is no. She's really not, which is awesome. I believe that because God was in my heart and on my mind when I spoke, He allowed things to be said in such a way where they were not hateful. Gosh, isn't our God great?

I have been checking up on the kids today. I checked Kayte's myspace account. She's the only one at home now that uses it on a regular basis (all the time actually). She's not 'bad' on it, but I did find some disturbing things on there and am not sure how to react to them. Maybe blogging about it will help... or maybe some of you have advice.

The first thing I noticed wrong was an email sent to someone who asked to be her friend. Kayte didn't know who she was... and rather than asking nicely "who is this" she said: "who the hell r u ???????????????????????????????????? n y u askin my ppl to be yo friend do i kno u kuz if i dont then ima delete u!" Well... it was a girl from CHURCH who was asking to be her friend! So... what does Kayte do? She tries to apologize I guess... here is what she put: "oh umm all of my friends r like who the fuck is this grl tht asked me to b her friend..umm if u dont kno my friends y u askin demm to b ur friend??? well yuh didnt mean to b mean kk " It just kills me. I've no idea how to handle this one.

Then another email she sent was to some friend in Riverview and they were talking about how much Kayte used to "blaze" all the time with this girl's brother when she was home. Come to find out, that means smoke weed. This just tore me up inside. Katye has admitted to doing it once to me - not that I ever believed she really only did it once. It just..... stunning to see it written in her words. Of course, she's making plans to hook up with these old friends when she goes back to Riverview.

Then yet another email was to someone she knew in Riverview and she was telling them that in April they were going to be sleeping over their mom's house on the weekends. How this date came up I have absolutely no idea. And the fact that she is kind of 'making plans' about it right now just tears me up inside. Only because, these conversations are not "come on over and lets drink soda and watch a movie at my mom's house while I'm there". They are much more.... I don't know how to describe it... gangsta speaking kind of talk.

Every fiber in my body is telling me that they are going to get into trouble when they go back. But I don't know if it's the kind of trouble that we are going to recognize and be able to stop right away. I mean, if she was smoking pot all the time before when at home and we didn't know it -- how are we going to recognize it now? But I know this is a ways off -- I just hate it that they are making the plans now.

I firmly believe that you are the kind of person you are because of not only what you DO, but because of what you think and say. Even if you haven't done something wrong, just talking about it and thinking about it will develop you into the kind of person who eventually WILL do whatever it is you are thinking and talking about doing. Does that make any sense at all?

Julie has a visit this afternoon. Couple of good things here... one being that Julie has decided to take my advice and NOT get limo tinting on her car windows. Instead, she's going to get the darkest tinting that is legal. Good girl, Julie! Second is that she is going to take the kids shopping tonight for Halloween costumes. Now... the kids are a little old for trick-or-treating, but they are having a Halloween party tonight at a friend's house and they DO want to go trick-or-treating. I don't mind it if they do... heck, they are 13, 14 and 15 - it's not like they are 16 or 17 -- they way I look at it -- Let 'em been kids for one more year if they want to. :o) I remember when I first got the kids - that was my highest priority -- to make sure the kids acted and were treated like KIDS. ANY-ways.... I'm glad Ms. Money Bags... I mean... Julie... is going to take them to get Halloween Costumes. :o)

Speaking of Costumes... I didn't tell you what happened Tuesday night after chorus. I left chorus crying. It was an unofficial rehearsal to try to practice and pass things we needed to pass to be able to sing on the Annual Show on 10/28. Here's the thing that you need to keep in mind when it comes to the chorus: they take singing and performing very seriously. Before you can sing on the stage, every song must be sung into a recorder and listened to by a leader to ensure that you have every single note, breath, rhythm, dynamic, vocal effect, everything must be 100%. (I'm one of the people who has to listen to the Tenors.) If you miss a note, you don't pass, and you keep taping until you DO pass it all. Then for the choreography, you have to pass that as well - someone watches you perform on the risers and tells you whether or not you missed a move. Miss a move = don't pass. The 'drop dead date' (the date in which you need to have everything passed to be able to sing on the show) is next Tuesday 10/17/06. So... I've passed almost all the music (one song to go) -- and have one song in Choreography to pass. The problem is, the song I have to do choreo on is one that we don't sing very much anymore and -- I had not even SEEN the choreography until last week! Never mind try to see it, do it, then try to PASS it. So, I learned it on Tuesday night. Then I'm watched to see if I pass and of course I don't. It's not all that easy.... we dance a lot in this chorus. The problem is... choreo comes EASY to me -- but there just wasn't enough time to get it learned, processed, and performed to the point of passing. Feeling hopeless, I left chorus crying quietly to myself, trying to quickly get to my car.

Two friends seeing me stopped me. We talked for a little while, then went to have a drink at Applebees. We chatted there about everything that was going on. I noted how frustrated I was that I hadn't been able to learn Charleston choreo yet... and I was sad because I was already going to miss 2 songs because I didn't have the 1912 costume. These two girls kept saying that I needed to be there for the whole thing, so they went out and are trying to put together a costume FOR me. I checked with the 'powers that be' in the chorus, and it's not too late... if they can get the costume together for me, I can wear it at SRO. They are also going to leave rehearsal next week during warm-ups to work with me on the choreo so that I can hopefully pass it next week. Awesome news... and it's even more awesome to have friends who care. :o)

Speaking of awesome news.... let me tell you my Church news! Remember the solo audition I bombed at?? Well, I didn't get THAT solo, but I did get a duet! I'll be singing a duet -- with CHRIS -- for the Christmas program. How awesome is that?? We are so happy that we get to do something together... and are going to really work on it to be able to sing it to the best of our ability. We also found out that we were selected to be on the praise team for the same performance. This is all such an honor because I know the talent that the singers at Van Dyke have... and I am truly humbled to be able to sing with them.

I should run for today. There is a lot to do - gearing up for a webcast party at my house tonight and tomorrow (have some TOT chorus members coming over to watch the SAI chorus competition finals at my house - we hook the computer up to the flat screen TV in the living room). Plus baseball. Plus church. Plus going to try to get my 1912 costume. Plus the Halloween party I have to bring the kids to.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Also, let me know if you have any advice about how best to handle the myspace discussions.

God Was With Me

The staffing meeting today could NOT have gone any better than it did. It was downright perfect.

I started in the parking lot, in my car, and said a prayer asking God to come into my heart, to be with me as I spoke, that everything I said and did at the meeting would be what He would have me say and do. And boy-howdie did God come through for me.

The meeting started late. Julie and I had to wait for everyone else to get ready and to arrive. I might point out here that Julie looked horrible. She was wearing a very dirty Circle K top and shorts (she was on her way IN to work). And.......... she's ginormous. Maybe it was the clothes she was in... I swear her arms look as big around as my legs... if that's even possible. I was truly worried about her... wondering how her blood pressure is, how her blood sugar is.

When everyone was ready we went into a conference room with Natalia, Natalia's replacement (her last day is next Friday - and yes, the same Natalia that just started on our case a month or so ago), a supervisor from Hillsborough Kids, and Dottie's boss (from the guardian ad litem program). Julie brought all of her paperwork with her, documents showing her negative drug screens, pay stubs, parenting class certificate, and a letter from her boss. The letter from her boss was hand written and just stated that she worked full time (and occasionally overtime) at Circle K and that she made $8.50 an hour. The funny thing is the manner in which the letter was written... sentences starting with no capital letters, words misspelled. Funny actually. I came in with my letter (with copies for each person there) typed, typed documentation printed of all Julie's visits with me and copies of the kid's physicals. Of course, you know me - a little anal at times - my paperwork was sorted, stapled, highlighted in appropriate areas and put together in a neat little packet. Needless to say, they noted several times how great it was to have such 'excellent documentation'.

The supervisor started off by asking each person there for an update. Everyone (including myself) noted how well Julie was doing and what great progress she's made. I was asked about the last supervised visit, as she stated "I see here there was an incident at the last visit... tell me about that." I used that opportunity to open the door about the letter I had written. I didn't READ the letter there, but as I spoke I continued to reference the letter - stating 'details about this are in the letter you have'. You've all read the letter I had in my last blog and know what all I told them about - but I do want to tell you about Julie's reaction.

When the subject of the alcohol came up... Julie took over and said 'let me explain'... and she did. She apologized over and over again saying she shouldn't have done it. When it was my turn to add to what Julie had said, I explained how I had talked to Julie after the incident and she told me that - since my daughter at the age of 20 drank, it's okay for her kids to drink. I went on to say that when I told Julie there was a difference between a 20-year old and a 13, 14 and 15 year old, and at that time Julie told me "no there is not a difference". At that time, Julie became very defensive at the table... she said "Christ, she's nearly 16 years old, I don't see what the big deal is!" With that, all the workers sat there looking at each other with a stunned look on their face. I then said, "And this is what I'm talking about - Julie honestly and truthfully does not see anything wrong. In my opinion, Julie simply doesn't understand the difference between right and wrong." They clearly saw that today. Then Julie went into attack mode saying "You are sitting there like you are Polly Perfect and you are NOT. Let's talk about YOU while we are all talking!" At which time all the people there immediately stopped her and told her - they would NOT talk about Tina, that this meeting, this case plan, the reason they are all there is because of JULIE and they would NOT discuss anything else. There was no need to do so... I am not the one in the predicament that Julie is in. And just like that it stopped. That was really great.

I went on to express each one of my concerns... not in a 'list' kind of way... but in a general conversation kind of way. As we talked, one thing led into another and before you knew it, I had stated all of my concerns and how I felt about everything. As we talked, things would come up (like the window tinting and the tattoos) and Julie over and over again argued that "it's not ILLEGAL or it's no big deal!

The end result of our discussion was this: Every single worker in the room told Julie that - just because something is not illegal does not mean it's okay to do. That, at some point in her life, she would have to use good judgement. They also each explained to Julie that I had the best interest of both the kids AND Julie in mind... and that she should try to listen to me when I tell her things like I've been trying to tell her. Julie sat there......... clueless.

So the judgement was as expected: They are waiting for her Psychiatrist to finish his comprehensive mental exam. After that exam is done, they are going to hold ANOTHER staffing meeting to discuss unsupervised visits.

How do I feel about that? Well... if the doctor says that she can't parent - the reason will be her poor judgement skills and she shouldn't be allowed to have unsupervised visits. If the doctor says that she CAN parent again, I suppose I need to let the unsupervised visits happen and hope and pray Julie doesn't make poor judgement calls. If she does... it's all on her.

The really good thing is that - although at times Julie and I argued -- it was a sister argument, not an angry argument. When the meeting was over, we hugged and left. So... again... it could NOT have gone any better than it did today. I think God did truly hear my prayer and that he WAS with me today.

It's after 5 today and I've got to get home! I just wanted to quickly give you an update on today. Thank you so very much to everyone who said a prayer for me today.

Staffing Meeting Tomorrow

Well - I had my audition last night - and BOMBED. But I kept thinking about why I did it.... and the same thing kept coming to mind... experience from just doing it. The first time I auditioned for the praise team I was sacred out of my wits! This time I was scared, but not pass-out scared. I just felt bad because, vocally it was just not good; scared, unsupported sound. But - I did it! At first I felt horrible because I truly felt like I wasted their time - but the more I thought about the experience of just trying something like that, the better of a person I know it helps me to become overall. So... kudos to Jason and Ann for hanging out so late.

Speaking of late - I auditioned really late. I got a phone call about 4:15 from Chris - he tells me that the school just called him and Jonathan fell at PE and hurt his arm; they think he may have broken it. Chris went to pick him up and I tried to arrange auditions for Chris and I on the fly with Jason. Chris remembered clearly the last time Jonathan broke his arm - I was in Phoenix and Jonathan hurt his arm. Chris assumed it was just bruised because he could move it (although it hurt) and it didn't swell all that much. He told him to sleep on it and see how he did. Well, it hurt more and more - they go to the doctor - and sure enough, broken. So we didn't know for sure last night so I took him by Uncle Tony's work (X-Ray at St Joes hosp) right after work. While I ran him to the hospital, Chris went for his audition. Good news no broken bones! (I just received word from Chris that they are going to suspend the boy who pushed him in PE as he did it intentionally!)

Speaking of all of this running around... let me explain my night as I think sometimes it's hard to understand just how much we go - go - go all the time. I get home from the hospital about 7 pm and pick up Chris and Justin. Go to church, audition (bomb), and take the boys over to baseball practice. Run to the store to buy milk and I get home about 8 pm. I immediately make the girls and Jonathan some Macaroni & Cheese - pick up the house - eat a few bites - then run to pick up the boys from baseball practice at 9 pm. They are running late so we don't head back home till 9:30 pm. Justin and Chris have still not eaten (and Justin has to go right to bed when he gets home) so we break the house rule and stop for fast food for them. We get home by 9:45 pm, they eat, and we get the kids into bedtime-mode.

And my riser buds at Toast of Tampa wonder how come I can't run out and get a costume?? Sheeeeesssshhhhh

Natalia just called -- the big meeting is tomorrow -- the staffing. I'm nervous as heck. I printed out pages from my blog that referenced Julie's visits at my house. That way I can give them my 'documentation' now and if they need more in the future, I can simply start from today and print, not have to search the whole blog again. (Yeah... that was time consuming!)

I honestly don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow or how I feel about the whole thing. I think I'll just put my feelings out there and let them decide what to do. So... what are my feelings? Glad you asked.....

Julie has improved greatly (understatement) from the time her kids were first taken. Without question she is a better person (and mother) now than she was last year at this time. However allowing unsupervised visits should not be (in my opinion) a reward. It should be safe. Safe for the kids. The next question I know you are asking is - do I feel the kids are safe with Julie?

I'm not sure how to answer that. Do I think Julie could take them up to McDonalds for hamburgers when she comes over and them be 'safe' - yes. Do I think Julie could take them home or be with them for longer periods of time and them be safe... I don't think so.

I left the blog for a while and typed up a letter to bring with me tomorrow. Here's what I'm bringing them:

I wanted to express my opinions regarding Julie’s case plan, unsupervised visits and eventual reunification with her three children, Kayla, Justin and Kayte. I have had the children in my home full-time since the first of January 2006. Initially Julie has had setbacks, but she has been doing very well mentally for several months now. I have never been more proud of my little sister than I am in this regard. She is not on drugs, no longer ‘huffing’, she is working and taking good care of herself. But I am writing this letter to simply express some concerns that I would like addressed while we are in the process of allowing unsupervised visits and eventual reunification. I’m hoping that by identifying concerns while in the process we can work on them and that, in the long run, it will help Julie.

To this day Julie still lacks a basic understanding right and wrong. I know she is having the comprehensive mental exam done and perhaps that will better define why Julie is this way. This lack of understanding right and wrong usually leads to poor decision making. I can give you two recent examples of this. The last visit at my house she thought it would be okay to give her kids wine-coolers because they ‘taste like kool-aid’ and because they ‘don’t have very much alcohol’. When Julie and I discussed this she was extremely defensive (this is an understatement). Another example of rule breaking is what she is planning on doing to her car. She called me and said she was going to get Limo tinting on her windows and asked what I thought. Originally I told her that I didn’t care what she did with her car, until she explained to me that it was illegal. I then tried to understand why she would purposely do something that is not legal. She said “The worst thing the police can do is keep giving me tickets. It’s no big deal.” In addition, ask Julie about the permanent disabled parking permit she uses in her car; her former gang member roommate Ryan stole it and gave it to her. She still uses it to this day (and might be parked out front in disabled parking using it). These are very simple and basic things that Julie doesn’t understand as being wrong.

Because of this basic lack of understanding right and wrong, Julie will often times use examples of things done in the past to justify what she is doing or what she wants to do. Examples: “Karen said that she gave her teenager an alcoholic drink once so it’s okay for me to do it.” “Chaka told me that if they took all the kids away from parents who smoke pot, there would be no kids left with their parents, so it’s okay for me to smoke pot.” “Bikers put tattoos on 2 year old kids, so it’s okay for me to put one on my 13 year old.” “Even though limo tinting is illegal, I can still get it done and the worst thing the police can do is give me tickets.”

Julie also continues to lack a basic understanding of why her children were removed in the first place. Recently she told someone that the only reason the kids were taken was because of Dr. Vergeese. She was quickly reminded about the night she hit Kayla, the police were called, she was bakers acted by police and her two sisters came up to take the kids. When Julie called me to tell me she had finished her parenting classes, I asked her what she had learned. She said something about not leaving a baby on the sofa. I asked if they talked about using drugs with your kids and putting tattoos on 13 year olds… she said “it never came up”. Julie firmly believes that – no matter what she’s done or what she does – as long as she loves her kids with all her heart, she is a good mom. I believe that she still truly doesn’t understand that things she did and decisions she made were wrong.

It also somewhat concerns me that Julie is now drinking. Without question I know that Julie has never really had a problem with alcohol. But, I think that – given Julie’s addiction problems – she needs to be very careful about doing anything that can lead to an addiction. When she first told me she had a new favorite drink, I asked her about the AA classes she was attending. I found out she no longer attends. She told me that she can drink 6 at a time and not feel a buzz… which made me wonder… is she trying to get a buzz?

The last issue I would like to make sure is addressed is Julie’s sex addict problem. Perhaps her new psychologist is going to help her with this, but I didn’t want to leave this concern out of this letter. This problem was one of the kids ‘top three’ things they would like to see changed about their mom and/or home. After her husband died Julie would have men come in and out of the house because she ‘had needs’. Additionally she has had multiple men move in the house because of her need for affection. They typically have no job and no income – and typically they only stay for a month or two. Most recently it was a 23-year old man who moved in. Julie promised that this guy “would be the last one she had move in”, and she also said this one was different and would be there for a long time. He moved in the beginning of September and was out by the first of October. Julie is a grown 37 year-old woman. I know she hates it when people talk to her about this subject. Frankly, I could care less what Julie does in her personal life. My concern is THE KIDS. It affects them greatly, and I do hope there is a plan in place to deal with this when the kids do go back home. Actually, having said that, I hope there is a plan to deal with this before that. When this last guy moved in the kids were very worried about their mom. She’d talk to them about him, send photos, went on vacation with him… and the whole time the kids were worried about their mom – hoping this guy was going to be okay for their mom. So… even though they are not living at home right now, it does still affect them. For this reason, I do hope it’s addressed sooner rather than later.

I still firmly believe that whatever happens, Julie needs to have strict rules to follow. I feel this is Julie's best way to succeed. Julie will always break or bend rules to fit what “Julie” wants. When Julie was allowed to call the house anytime she wanted, she’d call 6 to 10 times a day. We made it a rule that she could only call once a day and she is now better about it. However, if given no boundaries, she exhibits no control, and it would be my recommendation that she have clear rules to follow whatever decision is made.

I truly hope that it is understood that the intent of this letter to simply express my concerns. I do not intend to condemn my sister… I think she has done an incredible job thus far. She is headed down the right path for the first time in a very long time. I only hope that Julie continues to get better and better and can some day soon care for her own children.

Dear Lord, please be with me as I attend this difficult meeting tomorrow. Please allow everything that I say and do to be with love in my heart and with the best interest of the children in mind. Lord I know that without your guidance we would be lost. I thank you for your many blessings and for being with me through this entire ordeal. Thank you for carrying my heavy burdens as you know I could not possibly do all of this on my own. Let Your will be done. Amen.

All About Me

So.... there is something I'm planning on doing that I've been afraid to blog about. Afraid because I thought I might back out at the last minute. But... time's up and it's tonight. I'm going to audition for a solo for VanDyke's Christmas performance. Those who know me might think, well - you sing, so what's so hard about that? Well, I sing with people, NOT solo. I know I don't have the beautiful God-given voice that others in the church have. There's just this one song that really touched me... and I knew I had to at least try. I might go and he could decide someone else should do the solo... or that I should do something else... or that I shouldn't do a solo at all... which is totally cool. It's not singing solo that I want to do - it's just that -- this song really touched me and I felt I at least needed to try. It's called Orphans of God... and I cry every time I hear it. Some of the Lyrics:

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this
There are no strangers
There are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Of course, I can't help but think of the kids. I dunno why, I guess the orphan part although they are not total orphans... they still have their mom. Well... they sort-of have their mom. Chris is also trying out for a solo tonight! Regretfully the results of the auditions will be announced Thursday night and I can't go to Choir rehearsal Thursday night. Julie is coming over for a visit - she missed last week's visit all together so I feel a little bad. Of course, her last visit was also the time she offered the kids a drink. And then.... this visit is AFTER her staffing meeting on Wednesday... which may or may not go well. So I really have to admit that I am NOT looking forward to this visit. I FEEL as if I should tell them I don't want to supervise the visits anymore, but I will bring it up at the staffing and let the group of trained professionals decide what is best.

I didn't tell you before about my conversation with Nick who is Natalia's supervisor. He told me that I should bring my notes from Julie's visits to the staffing. I was like...... "notes????" He said, yeah, you know notes you jot down after all of Julie's visits for documentation. Well, nobody told me I was supposed to be taking NOTES. Thank goodness I keep this blog because all I have to do is go in and print the blog after every visit she's had for documentation. WHEW! The only problem, it's going to be really loooooooong.... so I've got to get started printing this pronto. It's just not all that easy at work.

So, on my blog links, I have this guy "Smitty" whom I really don't know - I just stumbled across his blog and love reading what he writes. In a recent post he wrote the following (edited for length):

If you haven't heard the story, it's fairly simple. God's Smuggler, a fellow known as Brother Andrew (who at the time of publication for obvious reasons didn't care to announce his name to the world), felt called to do missionary work behind the Iron Curtain during some of the hottest parts of the Cold War. He delivered Bibles to the struggling churches in the communist countries of Eastern Europe at a time when the Church was under attack and distributing religious materials apart from the aegis of the state was a criminal offense likely to be punished by a long prison term if not summary execution. This is his story of that period of time.

I can't possibly do this book justice in a review. Like Brother Andrew himself the book is absolutely filled with the Spirit; you can feel the presence on every page. It is an amazingly uplifting read; this man has given himself over entirely to the Spirit, to God's will, and has done remarkable things because of it. It is an inspiration to read the story and I'm going to have to get my own copy so I can read it again, and again and again. This is a book every Christian should read, and more it's a book anyone curious about Christianity should read. Brother Andrew's story is nothing less than proof of the real power of God in the modern world.

The book is sitting in my room. I feel bad about that; it doesn't want to be sitting here collecting dust, it wants to be in someone else's hands right now. I might bring it to church on Sunday and pass it on for a few weeks, but I'm sure the book's owner wouldn't mind at all if I mailed to it to one of my readers…

Now... again, I don't KNOW this man. But I responded to his blog and said that I would love to borrow the book. Well... he's mailing it to me! How cool is that??? With the book will be an address so that when when I'm done with it, I can ship the book to someone else, and it'll keep going from there. I just can't wait to receive this book and dive in. I will post a follow-up here once I've received and read the book myself.

Well... re-reading this blog it appears it's all about ME! So I might as well continue that trend for today!

Remember that bonus I got this month? Well, it ends up being and extra $100 every paycheck (I get paid monthly). So... last weekend, I went out and finally got my NAILS done. Oh my GOODNESS it feels GREAT to have great looking nails again. I just can't stop biting them when I don't have acrylic nails on... and I don't know why. Lord knows I've tried. I also went out and bought 2 outfits. I get to go casual every day at work, so just jeans and a Tee work for my daily wardrobe. But having clothes that fit and aren't frumpy is really nice. It's nice to be able to try anything on in one size and everything in that size fit. When I was a size 22 I kept trying to fit into a 20, which didn't always work unless the cut was just right. Now I can easily wear... well... I won't tell you what size I wear, but we'll just say that it's a 'teen'. Yeah... that feels really great.

We're going to have a busy night tonight. It's the first day of the kids new 9-weeks so I'm sure they'll all have homework to have us help with and/or check. Then off to auditions at Church, home to make a quick dinner, then Chris and Justin go to Baseball practice. Actually - I don't really know how I'm going to fit dinner into that plan.... Chris hopes to audition at 6-ish, and I hope to go with him, then they have to be at the park by 7:30. SHEESH. How to make it all work all of the time???????????

Please keep all of us in your prayers. Since this blog is really 'all about me', I have a request. Say a special prayer for Chris and I as well - not because of auditions, and not because we are having problems really, but because -- when things come to a head like they are right now (the staffing coming up, Julie's visits being troublesome, school changes and kid problems) -- it makes it very difficult for us at times. Last night when we went to bed, Chris kissed me goodnight and mentioned that we hadn't kissed all day - that we spent the day pretty much like roommates. Of course I struggled to think about everything we had done all day trying to recall a moment of intimacy... but there was SO MUCH going on all day, it's just hard to remember and certainly hard to take time out for just us. So.... say a little prayer for us.

But If You Say So....

Yes... you haven't had a blog from me in a few days on purpose. I've been trying to get over how I felt about what happened on Thursday. I didn't want to blog on Friday saying that everything was better... because I didn't feel that way. But at the same time I didn't want to say I was still really upset because I had moved past that, just not to total forgiveness.

Not too much has happened here at home. Julie did call over the weekend with news. She's going to have decals put on her windows of her car with angels and "In Memory of Ron" with Ron's date of birth and date of death on there. Then she said she was going to have Limo tinting put on her windows. She asked how I felt about that and I said "Julie, I could honestly care less what you do with your car." Of course, Julie didn't like that answer... she then told me that mom and Katie had a problem with it because it was illegal. Illegal... now I had forgotten about that. So - I ask her - WHY would you get illegal tinting put on your windows? She said "Because I want to, besides they'll just keep giving me tickets, it's not like it's a big deal." Again -- WHY would she purposely break the law here?? I have no flipping clue. It's not like she doesn't have half the state agencies looking at her every move in the hopes that she'll do one more thing wrong and she'll never get her children back. Oh wait... yeah... she DOES have that, doesn't she. What the HELL is she thinking??

She also has kicked out her 23 yo boyfriend. Yippee... I'm pretty happy about that. Not happy really... I expected it. I guess I'm rather sad that the whole thing happened to begin with.

Today in Church we talked about giving things totally over to God, surrendering to His wishes. About how five of the most powerful words in the bible were spoken: "But if You say so". Simon Peter had been out fishing and didn't catch a thing. Jesus told him “Now go out where it is deeper, and let down your nets to catch some fish.” Simon Peter of course though Jesus was nuts, but - did it anyway saying "but if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again". Of course, Simon Peter caught so many fish the boat nearly sank, and he went on to follow Jesus.

The only thing I could think about during the sermon was me with these kids. I was totally NOT a faithful person back when I got the kids. I had just started attending Church here at VanDyke, but I hadn't given my live over to Him and certainly wasn't a good Christian woman. But when God called me to pick up the kids (and I do fully believe that it was God's calling) I had absolutely no hesitation. I absolutely told the Lord "But if you say so". I didn't know how we were going to feed them, clothe them or even where they were going to sleep! And I have absolutely no idea why -- I just did it. I'll bet if you could ask Simon Peter when he pulled to the shore with all the fish WHY he just followed what Jesus wanted him to do... he couldn't tell you either.

Of course, I do always find myself asking "why me, Lord?" many times. So many times the burden feels so heavy on my shoulders. I hint to the things going on inside my head all the time here in my blog, but never really come right out and say it because I'd be afraid of what would come out if I started to let loose with all my worries and burdens. But I know God is walking beside me... whispering in my ear that He's right there and is not going to let anything bad happen. But... 'bad' can be relative, right? Is having my electricity or water shut off bad? Falling behind on the mortgage? Or does God not care if we are living in a small hut with no power -- as long as we love these kids with all our hearts and teach them right from wrong. Bad is relative. But I try not to think of those things very often.

I will continue on Lord... only because You say so.

Julie's Fury

We had a pretty interesting night last night. First thing when I got home from work of course we had the discussion on grades. Boy oh boy, that's never easy.

Then I found the kids reading my blog. Now... as much as I don't like that, I don't ever put anything in here that I wouldn't talk to them about, or haven't already talked to them about. It's funny too because they don't care what I put in here about their mom or what's going on with us as a whole family, instead they were looking for their names to see what I put about them. Too funny.

What did surprise me though was that Kayte saw no problem what-so-ever in her mom offering them drinks. (Her first words to me were "you HAD to tell Natalia??" - I responded with 'yes, I did'. ) First, Kayte explains to me, there was not much alcohol in them. I rebuke back with 'it's still ILLEGAL to give kids your age alcohol!' Then she tells me that Karen, the old DCF worker, told her that it was okay to do this. I asked for more information about this, and she went on to explain about how Karen gave her son a drink while he was underage. Kayte hears this and assumes that it is okay then for her to drink. She also said that other people do it, so it must be just fine. Just like mamma? Yepper, sure sounds like it. I went on to emphasize that, no matter what they might think as kids, it IS wrong.

After dinner, we all had a VERY long talk. (Probably sat and talked for a good hour after eating) I told them about my conversation with Natalia yesterday. Explained that unsupervised visits most likely will not be considered until the next staffing, which will be around March 2007. Needless to say, the kids didn't take that well at all. I told them that... "I know it's hard for you guys right now... but please don't complain too much to your mom right now". I'm so afraid that Julie is going to get depressed and/or give up and I told the kids that I was worried about it. I told them that their mom had come SUCH a long way since January 2006 and she WAS on the right track. Instead of being all bummed that they have to wait a little longer, they should instead be excited about it happening - whenever it happens. In other words, don't focus on the "what-ifs" and instead look forward to the future with happiness and anticipation.

We then talked about a multitude of things from underage drinking to developed brains. The developed brains conversation was pretty interesting... we talked about how a young brain not yet developed can't understand the true meaning to phrases such as "The early bird catches the worm" and "a bird in the palm is worth two in the bush". That it's not actually just learning what the phrase means, but when you brain develops to a certain level it begins to comprehend the meaning behind the phrase. We talked about how - it happens where some people's brains don't fully develop like that. In those cases, it's not THEIR fault! I'm quite sure they caught the correlation to their mom with this discussion, and we didnt even need to come right out and say it.

We also talked about how as parents you'd want do do anything you could to protect your kids. Chris said to all of them: "Pretend that you are all older and each of you now have one child. Your child is 2 years old and goes to play in the street. What do you do??" All three say that they would run out there and get him. They said they had to keep the baby safe. Then Chris said to "pretend that their child was 7 and wanted to drive a car, would you as their parent let him?" Of course they said "NO! He could hurt himself or someone else!". Another good answer. Then he said: "Now pretend your child is 13 and he wants to go drinking with some friends, do you let him?" You would THINK they'd say "No way", but they didn't. They believed that at the age of13 the child knows what's best for him and that there was nothing they could or would do as parents to stop him. They felt that - at the age of 13, the child should be able to make up his own mind on what he wanted to do and the parents should let him do just that. I found this FASCINATING. These kids firmly and fully believed this - but why? I was totally not expecting this answer, and I don't believe Chris was either. (GREAT conversation by the way Chris!)

Okay... I just left this blog and went home for lunch... and got a call from Julie. I am visibly shaking right now I am so upset.

First of all, Julie is FURIOUS that I told DCF about her wanting the kids to drink her alcoholic drink. First she said she was joking.... then she said that she thought it would be okay because it's not much alcohol. I said... "Julie, if Natalia was supervising the visit, would you have said that or tried to give them a drink?" She said "No, of course not". I knew that already... she's very much guarded when someone else is here. Annnnyways.... she's SCREAMING at me on the phone. She said "You let Amanda drink and she was only 20". Well, first of all, Amanda didn't LIVE with us at that time, secondly she's legally an adult capable of breaking the drinking law on her own. There's more to it than just that, but my hands are shaking and I need to get the rest of this out and into the blog. When I told Julie that there was a difference between 20 and 13, 14 or 15... she said that she could see NO difference.

She was vicious to me on the phone... telling me that since I tell DCF "everything" then I had better tell them that we once said "fuck you" to Kayla. (After her arrest when it was possible all of the kids were going to have to go to a group home because of her actions - Chris and I were very angry.) I told Julie that I didn't remember telling them that, but heck - I WOULD at my very next phone call -- because that being the WORST thing we have done AINT ALL THAT BAD. Further, it was FAR from illegal. She sees no difference.

Julie kept saying over and over again: "I just want to be able to pick up my kids and take them somewhere" and I loved this one: "I'm such a good mom". To the last one there I said... "Julie, listen, you have to embrace the fact that you were once NOT a good mom." She said "I was always a good mom, I love my kids so much" and I said "Julie, you were lighting up joints and SMOKING them with your kids - that is NOT a good mom! At LEAST recognize the fact that you made mistakes, you were not a good mom then, but you WANT to be one now. If you can't admit what you did was wrong, how does anyone know you are not going to do it again?" Again - she continues to insist she is now and has always been a good mom.

What killed me was her constant attack on ME. Her saying "I'm going to tell DCF this, and I'm going to tell DCF that". I know she was hurt. I know she was angry. I know she was lashing out. But she attacked ME.... and I hate writing this because I know Chris is going to read it and be like "well, she doesn't have to come over here anymore". He's very protective of me when it comes to Julie and this whole thing. Funny... I know Jason's reading this going: "You and Chris talk about this stuff via Internet, not in person - GEEKS!" LOL (I needed that chuckle)

Julie then called me when I got to work and DEMANDED that her kids be present at her staffing with DCF next week. She demanded they be there and tell the DCF people that they want unsupervised visits with their mom. When I told her that Dottie and I had discussed it already and we felt that pulling them out of school for this - at THIS point and THIS stage of the game was not a good idea, she DEMANDED Dottie's phone number to call her and plead with her about it. Of course I didn't give her Dottie's phone number, I called Dottie and left a message.

I also called Natalia and Nick (Natalia's supervisor) and left messages. I'm still shaking I'm so upset.

Mind you... this wasn't all that was said. Things were HEATED. She was crying and yelling the whole time. At one point, I said - "Julie - just do whatever you want, call whomever you want, say whatever you want. If DCF doesn't want the kids with me - FINE - let 'em put 'em in a foster home if that's going to make you feel any better. But I do NOT want to put up with this! I simply took the kids because it seemed like the right thing to do!"

About 30 minutes later Julie calls me at work and apologizes. Said she's just very upset and felt like she was backed into a corner. She's asking me please not to be upset with her and trying to nail down a date to come over next week. (If you ask me, she had some time to think about it and realized that I could very easily say that I won't supervise visits anymore and she won't get to see the kids the way she wants to.)

In the meantime, I'm shaking.... I feel so sick I think I could vomit right now. I understand I did absolutely nothing wrong. And yet I feel just horrible. I want to cry.

Did I mention this the water department was waiting for me outside of the house to tell me 'pay up or else'? Who else has a $252.00 water bill?? Jeez Tina.... remember when my life was normal, my bills were manageable, my kids were my only concern, and my sister was just my sister? Yeah, I vaguely remember the days.

Justin

Okay... two blogs in one day.... yeah, something must be wrong.

I'm at my wits end with trying to understand how to best help Justin in school. Of course I check their grades ALL the time using the online program the school uses. As I told you yesterday, he had 4 D's. (End of the nine weeks is this Friday) Today I find out his English grade has now slipped to an F.

Yesterday I had sent an email to his Guidance Counselor hoping she could help me better help Justin. She called this afternoon right after I found out about Justin's F (perfect timing, huh?). First I had to explain the whole story to her in short-version... why the kids were with me... how they had done in past in school... etc. I had asked her in the email I sent to her yesterday if she felt Justin should be removed from his advanced classes. Well... he's only in one advanced class - Science. Here is what she told me:

Justin has very high standardized test scores, which shows that he IS capable of doing well in school in these areas. She told me that she felt a lot of it might be the situation he is in right now (because of his mom) and/or the adjustment to high school. She tells me that a lot of kids get shell-shocked when they go to high school and their first 9 weeks grades are horrible. She then told me "don't dwell on it".... and she told me that she is going to tell him the same thing "don't dwell on it". She tells me that - often times the kids are so freaked out their 2nd nine weeks because of their 1st 9 weeks grades that they do horribly the 2nd nine weeks as well.

Over and over again she told me to encourage him, to tell him how well he did on his testing and that 'he can do it!' and not to dwell on it.

But here's the thing... we told Justin that if any of his grades slipped down to an F we'd pull him from Baseball. But - is that the right thing to do? What if it is just the adjustment of everything and the added stress of being pulled from his home by DCF? What if taking baseball away sends him into a spiral of depression? What if it causes him to lose hope and/or faith in himself?

I told the guidance counselor how difficult it was since these were not my kids. When something comes up with Jonathan, I know exactly what's wrong and the most likely reason. I have that gut feeling and that natural motherly instinct. But I simply don't have it for Justin, Kayla and Kayte. UGG

I was thinking that.... maybe instead of pulling him from Baseball all together... I should bench him for the game this weekend - or until he gets his grade up. You know what I mean... have him GO to practice but not be able to play. This way it isn't pulling it from him entirely.... but it is showing him we are serious. But then... what IF he doesn't bring it up before the end of the nine weeks only 2 days away? Then what would we do?

I should add here that I do not feel Justin's poor grades are a result of Baseball. He only practices on Thursday nights - and that starts at 7:30. Then they have one game on Saturday morning. Additionally, the league is a fall league... where they just work on skills, there is no real focus on winning.

Of course, not only did I get this bad news and the guidance phone call, but then I get an email from his math teacher (has a D in her class). Here is what she told me:

It is apparent to me that he needs some 1 on 1 tutoring to bring his grades up. I am available everyday after school, we also have two other math teachers that stay after on Tues and Thurs for free tutoring.

One other thing that I find important.... Justin asks me to repeat almost everything I say....all directions, etc. In other words, his listening skills are very lacking. I would recommend to improve that to stop all repeating for him. He has come to rely on that. I talked to him about that today....so he knows we are not going to enable that any longer. I think you will see a big difference in a short time.

Speaking of having to repeat everything she says.... I also talked to the guidance counselor today about having Justin evaluated for his speech problem. She says they have a speech therapist in school once a week who would be happy to evaluate him. That's GREAT news, and I'll let you know how that goes. She asked me what kind of speech problem Justin had and the only thing I could tell her is that - he often times doesn't use his upper lip to talk at all. As a result, his speech is often times muffled and/or slurred. I told her that it's a running joke in our house now that we need to speak "Justin" to be able to understand him. Kayte understands Justin most of the time, so she interprets... course sometimes she doesn't understand him either. But again, I'm very happy a speech therapist is going to evaluate him.

Say a little prayer for us that things go okay tonight. I'm headed home in a few minutes and need to deal with all this stuff once there. Pray for patience and guidance.....

Of course if you have any advice, please feel free to use the "comments" link on the bottom of this post to send me your thoughts/suggestions.