Tina's Daily Blog: News About Julie

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

News About Julie

I just received a phone call from Natalia this morning. Remember they were going to do the "staffing" in October which would be the state workers getting together to work up a 'case plan' to bring to court in November, at which time they were going to come up with a reunification plan? Well... things have changed slightly.

Originally the recommendation was going to be done in October that in November the reunification process begin. That would mean that, once approved by the judge, Julie would begin to be allowed to see the kids on her own for a little at a time, then longer, then overnight and eventually forever.

Now the recommendation is going to be pretty much 'wait and see'. They are going to wait for Julie's therapist to finish that exam to state whether or not she can ever parent again. Then they will move forward from there at the next court date (6 months later). I asked if Julie could put off the court date so that she could get the things she needs done for this court date to be one to determine unsupervised visits, but she said the date could not be changed.

Natalia stated several reasons for waiting... first being that Julie has turned in no documentation that she has completed anything in her case plan. Now... we all know she has - she finished parenting classes a while ago, finished the drug classes, etc. But she hasn't given the State the paperwork yet. Second being that the doctor hasn't finished that big psychological exam yet and they truly don't know for SURE if they are wasting their time discussing reunification. If this doctor says she can't parent, then they will immediately stop all plans for reunification and try to come up with some other plan. Finally... when Natalia (who remember really doesn't yet know Julie or the kids) heard about Julie wanting the kids to give her kids an alcoholic drink, she was pretty blown away. First, she couldn't believe that Julie would drink anything. She knows Julie hasn't had a problem with alcohol, but knowing her addictive personality, she was shocked that Julie would even think of drinking. Then the fact that she wanted to give it to her kids.... well.... I could list the oddness of that whole thing again, but I won't. I again tried to reiterate to Natalia that - Julie means well - she's not a BAD person - she just genuinely & honestly does not see what's wrong with things like that.

So the staffing is next Tuesday at 10 am and... I'm allowed to go, although I'm told it's not necessary for me to go. But I might go anyways just to see what happens at one of these staffings. Additionally it would be nice to be involved when they are figuring out what kind of things that I, as the kids guardian, need to be doing for the kids. I'd rather be involved in the process than sit and wait to be told what to do... that's just the kind of person I am.

I was just re-reading what I wrote above and I found myself thinking.... my goodness... Julie has come SO far in the past 10 months! And... I think about the next 10 months and how much further still she could come. She has a new therapist, she's off drugs and pills, mentally stable... she could possibly do extremely well, and that is so EXCITING!

Okay, I have to take a moment here to say happy birthday to Papa Jimmie, the best darn father in law a girl could ever have! Happy birthday Jimmie!!!!!!

So... I went to chorus last night and found out some bad news for me. You see, we have two costumes we are wearing for SRO, (our annual show happening in a couple of weeks), one red and one a 1912 era costume. Now the red one is kinda funny because it is 8 sizes too big, but the way the chorus looks at it - too big is better than too small. Funny. But you take what you can get on pre-made costumes such as the red ones. But the 1912 costume we were supposed to make ourselves or have made for us. I knew when I joined the chorus that I was not going to be able to put together a 1912 costume in time for SRO. You're supposed to scour consignment shops looking for something that 'might' work then have someone alter it to give it an authentic 1912 look... like a dress you'd see women wearing in "The Music Man". (Which is the package we are singing) Again, I knew I couldn't get this costume and I was okay with it. However, I assumed we'd be on stage singing our one Music Man number (76 Trombones) in this costume, so I knew I wouldn't be able to sing that song. Long story short, I'd actually be missing about 5 songs from the performance if I sang at SRO. Now I'm not sure I even want to sing on SRO. It's a whole day of singing... you arrive at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center in the morning, have lunch there, dinner there, singing between, and then sing in the evening.... getting home after 10 pm. That's a terribly long day to go and sing only 4 or 5 songs (Half the songs the chorus is singing). I'm just not sure if I mentally want to invest the time, energy and frankly - a whole day Saturday - just for 4 or 5 songs. I talked to some chorus members last night and they were like... "You HAVE to go... we NEED you!" And I understand that... really I do. I listen to tape qualifications from other tenors... I know that I have a very strong tenor voice. But... a whole day.... I don't know if I'm willing to give up a whole day for that. But ya know what, I joined the chorus for FUN, not stress!!! I just need to keep it in perspective... it IS just a hobby. If my time is better served being with the kids - then that's what I should do. So, I'm just going to pray about it and see what happens! God always has a plan and answers!

With this I will close for today. I ask that you continue prayers for Julie, all the kids, and for Chris and I. You've noticed more frequent blogs... that usually means that more is going on and that we need your prayers to lift us up more than ever. And - your prayers do lift us up. For that I thank you!

Music isn't just learning notes and singing them,
You learn notes to sing to the music of your soul.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

News About Julie

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