Tina's Daily Blog: Julie's Fury

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Julie's Fury

We had a pretty interesting night last night. First thing when I got home from work of course we had the discussion on grades. Boy oh boy, that's never easy.

Then I found the kids reading my blog. Now... as much as I don't like that, I don't ever put anything in here that I wouldn't talk to them about, or haven't already talked to them about. It's funny too because they don't care what I put in here about their mom or what's going on with us as a whole family, instead they were looking for their names to see what I put about them. Too funny.

What did surprise me though was that Kayte saw no problem what-so-ever in her mom offering them drinks. (Her first words to me were "you HAD to tell Natalia??" - I responded with 'yes, I did'. ) First, Kayte explains to me, there was not much alcohol in them. I rebuke back with 'it's still ILLEGAL to give kids your age alcohol!' Then she tells me that Karen, the old DCF worker, told her that it was okay to do this. I asked for more information about this, and she went on to explain about how Karen gave her son a drink while he was underage. Kayte hears this and assumes that it is okay then for her to drink. She also said that other people do it, so it must be just fine. Just like mamma? Yepper, sure sounds like it. I went on to emphasize that, no matter what they might think as kids, it IS wrong.

After dinner, we all had a VERY long talk. (Probably sat and talked for a good hour after eating) I told them about my conversation with Natalia yesterday. Explained that unsupervised visits most likely will not be considered until the next staffing, which will be around March 2007. Needless to say, the kids didn't take that well at all. I told them that... "I know it's hard for you guys right now... but please don't complain too much to your mom right now". I'm so afraid that Julie is going to get depressed and/or give up and I told the kids that I was worried about it. I told them that their mom had come SUCH a long way since January 2006 and she WAS on the right track. Instead of being all bummed that they have to wait a little longer, they should instead be excited about it happening - whenever it happens. In other words, don't focus on the "what-ifs" and instead look forward to the future with happiness and anticipation.

We then talked about a multitude of things from underage drinking to developed brains. The developed brains conversation was pretty interesting... we talked about how a young brain not yet developed can't understand the true meaning to phrases such as "The early bird catches the worm" and "a bird in the palm is worth two in the bush". That it's not actually just learning what the phrase means, but when you brain develops to a certain level it begins to comprehend the meaning behind the phrase. We talked about how - it happens where some people's brains don't fully develop like that. In those cases, it's not THEIR fault! I'm quite sure they caught the correlation to their mom with this discussion, and we didnt even need to come right out and say it.

We also talked about how as parents you'd want do do anything you could to protect your kids. Chris said to all of them: "Pretend that you are all older and each of you now have one child. Your child is 2 years old and goes to play in the street. What do you do??" All three say that they would run out there and get him. They said they had to keep the baby safe. Then Chris said to "pretend that their child was 7 and wanted to drive a car, would you as their parent let him?" Of course they said "NO! He could hurt himself or someone else!". Another good answer. Then he said: "Now pretend your child is 13 and he wants to go drinking with some friends, do you let him?" You would THINK they'd say "No way", but they didn't. They believed that at the age of13 the child knows what's best for him and that there was nothing they could or would do as parents to stop him. They felt that - at the age of 13, the child should be able to make up his own mind on what he wanted to do and the parents should let him do just that. I found this FASCINATING. These kids firmly and fully believed this - but why? I was totally not expecting this answer, and I don't believe Chris was either. (GREAT conversation by the way Chris!)

Okay... I just left this blog and went home for lunch... and got a call from Julie. I am visibly shaking right now I am so upset.

First of all, Julie is FURIOUS that I told DCF about her wanting the kids to drink her alcoholic drink. First she said she was joking.... then she said that she thought it would be okay because it's not much alcohol. I said... "Julie, if Natalia was supervising the visit, would you have said that or tried to give them a drink?" She said "No, of course not". I knew that already... she's very much guarded when someone else is here. Annnnyways.... she's SCREAMING at me on the phone. She said "You let Amanda drink and she was only 20". Well, first of all, Amanda didn't LIVE with us at that time, secondly she's legally an adult capable of breaking the drinking law on her own. There's more to it than just that, but my hands are shaking and I need to get the rest of this out and into the blog. When I told Julie that there was a difference between 20 and 13, 14 or 15... she said that she could see NO difference.

She was vicious to me on the phone... telling me that since I tell DCF "everything" then I had better tell them that we once said "fuck you" to Kayla. (After her arrest when it was possible all of the kids were going to have to go to a group home because of her actions - Chris and I were very angry.) I told Julie that I didn't remember telling them that, but heck - I WOULD at my very next phone call -- because that being the WORST thing we have done AINT ALL THAT BAD. Further, it was FAR from illegal. She sees no difference.

Julie kept saying over and over again: "I just want to be able to pick up my kids and take them somewhere" and I loved this one: "I'm such a good mom". To the last one there I said... "Julie, listen, you have to embrace the fact that you were once NOT a good mom." She said "I was always a good mom, I love my kids so much" and I said "Julie, you were lighting up joints and SMOKING them with your kids - that is NOT a good mom! At LEAST recognize the fact that you made mistakes, you were not a good mom then, but you WANT to be one now. If you can't admit what you did was wrong, how does anyone know you are not going to do it again?" Again - she continues to insist she is now and has always been a good mom.

What killed me was her constant attack on ME. Her saying "I'm going to tell DCF this, and I'm going to tell DCF that". I know she was hurt. I know she was angry. I know she was lashing out. But she attacked ME.... and I hate writing this because I know Chris is going to read it and be like "well, she doesn't have to come over here anymore". He's very protective of me when it comes to Julie and this whole thing. Funny... I know Jason's reading this going: "You and Chris talk about this stuff via Internet, not in person - GEEKS!" LOL (I needed that chuckle)

Julie then called me when I got to work and DEMANDED that her kids be present at her staffing with DCF next week. She demanded they be there and tell the DCF people that they want unsupervised visits with their mom. When I told her that Dottie and I had discussed it already and we felt that pulling them out of school for this - at THIS point and THIS stage of the game was not a good idea, she DEMANDED Dottie's phone number to call her and plead with her about it. Of course I didn't give her Dottie's phone number, I called Dottie and left a message.

I also called Natalia and Nick (Natalia's supervisor) and left messages. I'm still shaking I'm so upset.

Mind you... this wasn't all that was said. Things were HEATED. She was crying and yelling the whole time. At one point, I said - "Julie - just do whatever you want, call whomever you want, say whatever you want. If DCF doesn't want the kids with me - FINE - let 'em put 'em in a foster home if that's going to make you feel any better. But I do NOT want to put up with this! I simply took the kids because it seemed like the right thing to do!"

About 30 minutes later Julie calls me at work and apologizes. Said she's just very upset and felt like she was backed into a corner. She's asking me please not to be upset with her and trying to nail down a date to come over next week. (If you ask me, she had some time to think about it and realized that I could very easily say that I won't supervise visits anymore and she won't get to see the kids the way she wants to.)

In the meantime, I'm shaking.... I feel so sick I think I could vomit right now. I understand I did absolutely nothing wrong. And yet I feel just horrible. I want to cry.

Did I mention this the water department was waiting for me outside of the house to tell me 'pay up or else'? Who else has a $252.00 water bill?? Jeez Tina.... remember when my life was normal, my bills were manageable, my kids were my only concern, and my sister was just my sister? Yeah, I vaguely remember the days.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Julie's Fury

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