Tina's Daily Blog: Never Lose Hope

Friday, October 13, 2006

Never Lose Hope

I took a day to really try to digest everything that happened on Wednesday, and I still feel as great about it as I did then - which is awesome. People keep asking me how Julie is doing, is she angry or upset... and the honest answer is no. She's really not, which is awesome. I believe that because God was in my heart and on my mind when I spoke, He allowed things to be said in such a way where they were not hateful. Gosh, isn't our God great?

I have been checking up on the kids today. I checked Kayte's myspace account. She's the only one at home now that uses it on a regular basis (all the time actually). She's not 'bad' on it, but I did find some disturbing things on there and am not sure how to react to them. Maybe blogging about it will help... or maybe some of you have advice.

The first thing I noticed wrong was an email sent to someone who asked to be her friend. Kayte didn't know who she was... and rather than asking nicely "who is this" she said: "who the hell r u ???????????????????????????????????? n y u askin my ppl to be yo friend do i kno u kuz if i dont then ima delete u!" Well... it was a girl from CHURCH who was asking to be her friend! So... what does Kayte do? She tries to apologize I guess... here is what she put: "oh umm all of my friends r like who the fuck is this grl tht asked me to b her friend..umm if u dont kno my friends y u askin demm to b ur friend??? well yuh didnt mean to b mean kk " It just kills me. I've no idea how to handle this one.

Then another email she sent was to some friend in Riverview and they were talking about how much Kayte used to "blaze" all the time with this girl's brother when she was home. Come to find out, that means smoke weed. This just tore me up inside. Katye has admitted to doing it once to me - not that I ever believed she really only did it once. It just..... stunning to see it written in her words. Of course, she's making plans to hook up with these old friends when she goes back to Riverview.

Then yet another email was to someone she knew in Riverview and she was telling them that in April they were going to be sleeping over their mom's house on the weekends. How this date came up I have absolutely no idea. And the fact that she is kind of 'making plans' about it right now just tears me up inside. Only because, these conversations are not "come on over and lets drink soda and watch a movie at my mom's house while I'm there". They are much more.... I don't know how to describe it... gangsta speaking kind of talk.

Every fiber in my body is telling me that they are going to get into trouble when they go back. But I don't know if it's the kind of trouble that we are going to recognize and be able to stop right away. I mean, if she was smoking pot all the time before when at home and we didn't know it -- how are we going to recognize it now? But I know this is a ways off -- I just hate it that they are making the plans now.

I firmly believe that you are the kind of person you are because of not only what you DO, but because of what you think and say. Even if you haven't done something wrong, just talking about it and thinking about it will develop you into the kind of person who eventually WILL do whatever it is you are thinking and talking about doing. Does that make any sense at all?

Julie has a visit this afternoon. Couple of good things here... one being that Julie has decided to take my advice and NOT get limo tinting on her car windows. Instead, she's going to get the darkest tinting that is legal. Good girl, Julie! Second is that she is going to take the kids shopping tonight for Halloween costumes. Now... the kids are a little old for trick-or-treating, but they are having a Halloween party tonight at a friend's house and they DO want to go trick-or-treating. I don't mind it if they do... heck, they are 13, 14 and 15 - it's not like they are 16 or 17 -- they way I look at it -- Let 'em been kids for one more year if they want to. :o) I remember when I first got the kids - that was my highest priority -- to make sure the kids acted and were treated like KIDS. ANY-ways.... I'm glad Ms. Money Bags... I mean... Julie... is going to take them to get Halloween Costumes. :o)

Speaking of Costumes... I didn't tell you what happened Tuesday night after chorus. I left chorus crying. It was an unofficial rehearsal to try to practice and pass things we needed to pass to be able to sing on the Annual Show on 10/28. Here's the thing that you need to keep in mind when it comes to the chorus: they take singing and performing very seriously. Before you can sing on the stage, every song must be sung into a recorder and listened to by a leader to ensure that you have every single note, breath, rhythm, dynamic, vocal effect, everything must be 100%. (I'm one of the people who has to listen to the Tenors.) If you miss a note, you don't pass, and you keep taping until you DO pass it all. Then for the choreography, you have to pass that as well - someone watches you perform on the risers and tells you whether or not you missed a move. Miss a move = don't pass. The 'drop dead date' (the date in which you need to have everything passed to be able to sing on the show) is next Tuesday 10/17/06. So... I've passed almost all the music (one song to go) -- and have one song in Choreography to pass. The problem is, the song I have to do choreo on is one that we don't sing very much anymore and -- I had not even SEEN the choreography until last week! Never mind try to see it, do it, then try to PASS it. So, I learned it on Tuesday night. Then I'm watched to see if I pass and of course I don't. It's not all that easy.... we dance a lot in this chorus. The problem is... choreo comes EASY to me -- but there just wasn't enough time to get it learned, processed, and performed to the point of passing. Feeling hopeless, I left chorus crying quietly to myself, trying to quickly get to my car.

Two friends seeing me stopped me. We talked for a little while, then went to have a drink at Applebees. We chatted there about everything that was going on. I noted how frustrated I was that I hadn't been able to learn Charleston choreo yet... and I was sad because I was already going to miss 2 songs because I didn't have the 1912 costume. These two girls kept saying that I needed to be there for the whole thing, so they went out and are trying to put together a costume FOR me. I checked with the 'powers that be' in the chorus, and it's not too late... if they can get the costume together for me, I can wear it at SRO. They are also going to leave rehearsal next week during warm-ups to work with me on the choreo so that I can hopefully pass it next week. Awesome news... and it's even more awesome to have friends who care. :o)

Speaking of awesome news.... let me tell you my Church news! Remember the solo audition I bombed at?? Well, I didn't get THAT solo, but I did get a duet! I'll be singing a duet -- with CHRIS -- for the Christmas program. How awesome is that?? We are so happy that we get to do something together... and are going to really work on it to be able to sing it to the best of our ability. We also found out that we were selected to be on the praise team for the same performance. This is all such an honor because I know the talent that the singers at Van Dyke have... and I am truly humbled to be able to sing with them.

I should run for today. There is a lot to do - gearing up for a webcast party at my house tonight and tomorrow (have some TOT chorus members coming over to watch the SAI chorus competition finals at my house - we hook the computer up to the flat screen TV in the living room). Plus baseball. Plus church. Plus going to try to get my 1912 costume. Plus the Halloween party I have to bring the kids to.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Also, let me know if you have any advice about how best to handle the myspace discussions.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, October 13, 2006

Never Lose Hope

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