Tina's Daily Blog: Spitting In The Wind

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Spitting In The Wind

Mom called this morning and noted that I sounded a bit 'out of sorts' - not like my usual 'Jolly' self (as the kids always call me). She's right. I've got to do something to get out of the frame of mind I am in, and I'm just not sure how to go about doing it.

To be totally honest, I'm mentally a wreck about two things... one being the court date next Friday (12/22) and the second being Julie's visit on Christmas. The court date I know there is just nothing I can do about... I just have to pray hard, go and make the best of it.

But Christmas day with Julie... well.... I'm upset that I'm so upset about it - if that makes any sense at all.

At Julie's last visit with us, she demanded that the kids (hers AND mine) open NO presents what-so-ever until she showed up on Christmas morning. Well.... those of you who know Julie know that she very well could wake up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon! Besides... who the heck does she think she is telling us what to do in our house on our Christmas morning. But then the 'sister-mode' kicks in and I know where she is coming from -- she believes that this is totally HER Christmas. That for once in her life she has purchased gifts for her kids and has managed to keep them wrapped and not give all of them to the kids before Christmas. She's not going to be drugged or high for the first time in who knows how long. I know she's looking forward to it and I know why, so I try to ignore her demanding demeanor. The key word there is 'try'.

Then I think about the whole day.... me having to babysit Julie the whole time... be with her in every room that she goes into... making sure she doesn't say something totally stupid or not nice and try to coax her into the correct parental frame of mind whenever she does something that is totally wrong for a parent to do. It is mentally exhausting for me. And I've got a whole day of this to look forward to.

In addition to that, Julie is always extremely demanding while she's with us. Get me this. Get me that. Do this for me. Pluck my eyebrows. Rub my feet. Scratch my back. When is lunch? When is dinner? I'm hungry now. In addition, you really can't have a normal conversation when Julie is around as she... tends to make it all about herself. Not like other people though... it's kind of weird.... when a normal person wants to make a conversation all about herself, they will gently turn the conversation towards them. For example, you might be talking about how your grandmother used to love making pies for the holidays, and a person who wants to turn conversation to themselves might then say that they too love making pies for the holidays and then talk about that. But Julie doesn't turn it like that- she jerks you totally in a different direction. Given the same conversation about your grandmother making pies for the holidays... Julie might just look at you as if you just spoke German and she didn't understand and then talk about her car and how she had it tinted and the 'in memory of' her husband put on it. Completely out of the blue and totally different than what you were just talking about, and you just sit there, not knowing what else to say. Her mind is.... unfocused and very immature... and her conversations expose that greatly. And I have to be there to sit through all of it. Sigh......

Then there's her eating. When she's not asking about when the food is going to be ready, she'll be eating something. And - it's really gross to watch. And again, I have to be right there with her. Then of course I'll be worried about her blood sugar which will put me into 'parent mode' with her - and I just hate that!

Oh, and the best part... Julie has now decided that - since I didn't really like the idea of waiting for Julie to come over on Christmas morning to open all gifts... she's going to spend the night at our house on Christmas Eve. That means even MORE supervised time for me and snoring. The kind of snoring where nobody sleeps as you can hear it loudly all over the house. Last Christmas she did the same thing... slept upstairs in our bed and Chris and I slept downstairs as far away as possible, and the snoring kept us up all night. But even more of a concern than just that is the supervision issue.

Which then makes me think... if Julie gets unsupervised visits... does that mean I don't have to 'supervise' her for things like this anymore? And then if I don't... am I really going to be ABLE to let go?? What I mean is... Julie can say really wrong and extremely immature things to the kids... and - I'm still the person raising them for now.

Am I really going to be able to have Julie at my house talking to them any way she wants to and me saying nothing about it?? Can I do that?? I already know the answer to that is no. For example, Julie telling Kayla that I was being way too hard on her when she got caught with the cell phone. (Mind you, I hadn't given her ANY punishment what-so-ever yet. I was waiting to talk to her therapist to ask what kind of punishment she felt was best suited for Kayla.) And Julie's sitting there telling Kayla that her Auntie Tina is being way too hard on her and telling Kayla "not to worry about it, I'll talk to her and fix everything". Am I really supposed to just sit there and say nothing?? Or what if the unsupervised visits meant that she didn't have to ask me if it was okay to get her two daughters boxes of condoms for Christmas presents, wrapped and under the tree. Mind you the girls are 13 and 15. Would I have been expected to just sit there, watch little Kayte unwrap her boxes of condoms, and just smile quietly??? And what if she had actually given the girls wine coolers to drink at a visit that I didn't have to supervise. Do I just sit quietly and say nothing??

All of this is uncharted territory... and those of you who know me know I like to have a plan and that I like to know the 'rules' up front. So... I think about these things and it makes me nuts! Mom would say to me, just let it go, you've done all you can. Yet, I'm obligated to do certain things... I agreed to do these things when I took the kids. Not to mention the gazillion people I have to report to all the time. I can't fart sideways in front of the kids and somebody not know about it. How come Julie can go to the ER four times in 5 days and nobody knows what drugs she's taken?? And how on earth is that fair??

Of course, if I had a DCF worker whom I could speak to about these things, it might be easier. Karen had her flaws, but I could still talk to her about anything. Jay... well.... not at all. Speaking of Jay - he's coming over for a visit tonight. Maybe I should just plan on taking him outside, sit him down, and just talk about these things. But here is the funny thing about talking to Jay. He tends to trivialize up front in the conversation. When you first start talking to him about something, he says something to make it seem as if there's nothing anyone can do about it and so anything you planned on saying after that is -- I dunno -- less important. Or like spitting in the wind. YES! That's EXACTLY what it feels like talking to Jay.... spitting in the wind. LOL

You know I usually ask for prayers for the kids or for Julie... but this time.... I'm going to ask that you please keep ME in your thoughts and prayers. Pray for strength and wisdom. Pray that I stay sane the next couple of weeks. :o)

4 comments:

Anonymous said...: Tina, when you have someone, anyone, over as a guest in your home they should respect your wishes. Your rules are just that, your rules. She doesn't have the right to say whatever she wants, maybe remind her as to why the kids are with you now anyhow. What is her response when you ask her about it. You are taking on so much, and you are able to make the rules. If she needs supervision like that, then she is still a child and should be treated as one. I know this isn't easy for you, so call me if you need to. Also, are you coming by on Sunday for the party???; 3:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Tina
Children need a moral compass.
They may not realize it now but they want structure. As time goes on they will look to you for stability. Hold your ground and stick with your beliefs.
You can't control everything so stop trying. Do the best you can.; 6:30 PM
Anonymous said...: you sleep in your own bed! if the couch isn't acceptable, then she goes home and Christmas starts at 9am or it will be without her...you really are in charge, do it your way or else....oh Tina, you have so much on your plate, you take care of you 1st, I will keep you in my prayers.; 11:15 PM
Tina said...: Just a quick post if anyone is reading the comments here - I said something about helping me 'stay sane' and I didn't want anyone to think I was depressed or completely frazzled or anything like that. I'm not. I'm worried about spending a whole day or two with Julie at Christmas when it's already difficult to be around her for more than an hour or two. But I'm really not going off the deep end.
Thanks to all my friends and family who love, support and hold me up when I think I can't possibly do any more.; 1:31 PM

Post a Comment

In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Spitting In The Wind

4 comments:

Have Tina's Daily Blog sent to your email address:

Blog Archive

Followers

About Me

My Favorite Places and People

Blog Stats

In A Nutshell: