The Court Hearing

I had a HORRIBLE day at court today. Just horrible.

We arrived and had to wait in a room with about 50 other people waiting to be called. People there were Dottie (the Guardian), Nick (DCF supervisor guy with Hillsborough Kids), Julie and myself. While waiting Julie began her talk.... she talked and talked... and lied and lied.

She looked good. Had her nails done, hair professionally done, wore a skirt and blouse, had all of her paperwork in order. And then she began to spin her web of lies.

First thing she did was show me a letter that Kayla had written to her. In the letter Kayla said she missed her mom, loved her very much and really wanted to come home because she "hates it here". Julie, no less than 4 times, said something about that one line... how much Kayla hated it living with me. Well, first of all I don't believe that's true. I think that Kayla is disciplined WAY WAY WAY more here than she would be at home. Surely no kid likes that. And I told Julie that -- I'm not here to be Kayla's friend, I'm here to keep her safe and teach her things. But the more Julie talked about it (she of course brought copies of that letter for everyone there) the more upset it made me. It upset me even more that Julie made copies of this and showed everyone how much Kayla obviously hated being with me. I felt sick, went to the bathroom and began to throw up.

I went back to the room where Julie was because I didn't want anyone to think I was not okay. I pasted on my smile and pretended like I was fine. Then Julie started talking about her Diabetes and about how it was 100% not at all related to her mental condition. She said that her diabetes had been out of control but was much better now, that she had everything under control. Plus, since diabetes was a physical condition she really had no control over it anyways. Nick asked her what she was eating and she responded that she was eating whatever she wanted. He said "surely they gave you a diet to follow"... Julie said that NO they did not give her a diet or talk to her about what she ate. They just said anytime you eat, take this insulin shot and you'll be fine. I knew she was lying, and I listened to it and my stomach began to get tighter and tighter and I could feel myself getting upset. I walked away.... but felt sick. I went to the bathroom and threw up again from being so upset.

I stayed away a while this time trying to calm down. Julie is still in the other room telling the folks there how wonderful she is doing and how she's now perfect. I went back to stand by them only to hear Julie talking about her doctors visits and ER visits. Julie told them that she had only been to the Emergency Room three times. I laughed out loud, looked at her and said 'you are kidding, right?' She said no, and I have documentation here to show I've only been three times. I said, Julie you've been WAY more than that, you went the day before and the day after Thanksgiving, God only knows how many times between then and last week, and then to the ER from when you were admitted this last time and stayed a week. THREE TIMES? Are you kidding me. Again, Julie is calm and collected and tells me that - yes only three times.

I was FURIOUS that she was sitting here lying. I lost my cool and started yelling at her. I asked her "How dumb do all of us look? You expect us to believe all of this? You know they told you what to eat and what not to eat, you know you've been to the ER way more than three times, why are you lying?" Again, I'm yelling at her. I finally realize I'm in a room of 50 people and I just walked away. I sat in a corner and cried by myself... waiting to be called.

Dottie and Nick stayed with Julie and continued to talk to her. Later they came to talk to me. Nick and Dottie both realized that Julie had been lying and that she truly had no rational thinking as she was talking. Nick said something about every person with Diabetes that goes to the doctor gets a diet of some kind to follow. No doctor would tell her to just eat whatever she wanted and just take shots to bring her Diabetes back to normal. They knew she was lying and they just couldn't prove anything. At that point Nick told me that at the next staffing they were going to recommend permanent guardianship. (Meaning things would be like they are now only Julie would get a set amount of time each week or month and we wouldn't be going through the courts anymore.) He said that he honestl didn't believe that Julie could ever be well enough for a long enough period of time to warrant the continued staffing on the case. (Mind you, all of this red tape and every employee paid to be on the case is paid for by you and I....) Furthermore, Julie's attorney being paid for is up today as it's been a year... they don't pay attorney's to stay on the case longer than that. Anyways... they talk about all of this and I apologize for losing my cool in the other room.

We are called into court. The person who was supposed to prepare the letter saying why I should not get relative caregiver funds didn't do the report... which means - we wasted all this time - nothing happened. Then Julie's attorney speaks up and says that Julie wants unsupervised visits. The Judge is mad because 'this meeting wasn't for that' (I knew they were going to ask regardless) The judge refuses to approve unsupervised visits. Then he asks if the judge will approve an overnight stay on Christmas Eve at my house. The judge looked at me and asked me if I wanted that... and I said no. I explained that every moment was spent supervising Julie and that I did not want to do it all night Christmas Eve AND all day Christmas day. So... he said no visit on Christmas Eve.

He made another court date for 1/23/07 in which they will discuss relative caregiver funds and possible unsupervised visits. Great.

At this point, my stomach hurts from vomiting so much. I know I have to go home and talk to Kayla about the letter she wrote. I know I am FURIOUS with Julie, and I fully realize that she was doing her best to manipulate all of us. I had to stop one more time on the way home to get sick before pulling up in the driveway.

Sigh....

I walk in, and the first thing I do is talk to Kayla. I told her how I felt. Told her if she didn't like it here with me then REQUEST TO MOVE, but don't sit there and write letters about how much she 'hates it'. (She first denied writing the letter - of course). She said that she couldn't believe that her mom would show that letter to everyone there. I said "Kayla, you are going to be 16 next month. Surely you HAVE to know that your mom is not mentally right. Come on!" Just unbelievable to me. Worse still is that I know Kayla does NOT hate it here. And I just don't know how to feel about all of that.

I should point out that we have 3 extra people in the house. Sean who is a friend of Justin and Jonathan who spent the night, Suzi who is a friend of Kayla and Kayte's who spent the night and Drew who Jonathan is babysitting during the day over the Christmas break. That's 7 kids in my house at least.

Then I realize that Kayte is not in the house. I begin to ask where she is. She walks in and I ask her where she went. She had gone to the PARK with two guys... ALONE. Never asked permission.... just went. I was FURIOUS. She says... it's okay because she knows them. I explain all the reasons it's NOT okay. PLUS I don't like one of the guys one single bit. His name is Chris and he HAS a girlfriend, buy Kayte wants to go out with him. I talked to him on the phone last night and he asked me if he could take Kayte to the movies tonight. I said "Did you break up with your GIRLFRIEND yet?" He said "No" and I said absolutely not. It irks me terribly that Kayte is getting involved with him like this. I do not want her to be one of those girls who goes after other girls boyfriends, ya know? So.... He and some other guy are the ones she went to the park with. I am 100% certain that she didn't ask me because she KNEW what I was going to say. Go to the park, yes with your brother or sister, NO by yourself. She knew, and she chose to go and not ask.

When I talk to her about it she begins to cry and in her little whiny girl voice tells me how much she does around the house that nobody appreciates. I tell her that we ALL do stuff around the house and that this is SO not what this is about. I told her that I had been getting a vibe from her lately.... a deceitful and lying kind of vibe and I didn't like it one bit. She claims no deceit at all. Again I explain why she can't go to the park with two young men alone, and she just doesn't GET IT. No... maybe she just didn't care. I do however fully realize that I am an emotional WRECK right now and that I shouldn't be talking to her any more. So, I leave it for later.

And here I sit... sobbing.... trying to type in my blog...... trying to convince myself that these kids and Julie DO totally realize what all I'm doing for them. (here come the tears.........)

Yet.................. today it doesn't feel that way. I'm not depressed. Not sad. Not scared. I'm just.................. I don't know how to describe it. Feel like I'm being used. Used by Julie. Used by the kids. Used by the system. Appreciated by others, but not by any of them.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHH... and Julie has now called my house at LEAST 5 times since court. I hate it when she calls this much. This last time she said that she didn't like HAM that we were going to have for Christmas dinner and she was going to make some pot roast and bring it over for herself so she could eat something she liked. How can you INVITE yourself over for Christmas, stay all fricking day long, tell me you don't like what I AM GOING TO SERVE YOU FOR DINNER.... and say you'll bring food that you like. She's flipping 350 lbs for goodness sake... she's not going to starve eating what I'm making on this one fricking day.

Okay Tina.... breathe in.......... breathe out........... it's not about Julie. Not about the kids. Not about gifts. Not about food. It's about Jesus Christ and his birth, which led to his death, which led to eternal life.

Breathe in.............. breathe out................

I have an awesome story to post about in a little bit about a friend from high school - James. But I'm in this HORRIBLE funk right now and I still need to go grocery shopping and stocking stuffer shopping. And get OUT of this frame of mind.

The kids keep coming in here to check on .............. OMG Julie just called AGAIN........ the kids keep checking on me. They know I'm upset. And Kayla's boyfriend is now here (as is those two guy friends of Kayte's - outside waiting to talk to me)...... which brings the teen total in my house to TEN. Ten.

I've got to run................... please keep me in your prayers.