Tina's Daily Blog: Panic Attack

Monday, December 18, 2006

Panic Attack

I’ve been having a full blown panic attack since I got up this morning… it’s now almost lunch time. Heart racing, almost beating out of my chest… sweating… light headed… my mind racing. Blogging when I am in this frame of mind is a love/hate kind of thing. Hate it because I hate everyone and their mother knowing that I’m not in a good frame of mind not to mention I feel like a big fat crybaby…. Love it because blogging tends to make me feel better.

There isn’t really one thing that is upsetting me; it’s a couple of things. Money is a big issue/concern right now. Being penniless the week before Christmas is NOT fun. There are so many expectations of the season that require money, all seemingly fun – unless you have no money. From simple things such as a small gift exchange with the youth ministry at Church to buying Christmas dinner items for everyone coming over on Christmas day. What do you do when you simply don’t have it? Ask me that next week and I’ll let you know how I manage to get through it.

I haven’t gotten a Christmas bonus at work, which I did get last year. Companies should not do that… if you are going to give a bonus 2 weeks before Christmas… make sure you do it every single year and around the same time. Some of us count on it for the extra cushion we need this time of year. Sigh….

I’m also feeling somewhat guilty about going to see a movie last night. The High School kids from Church were all going to see The Nativity, which I have wanted the whole family to see. It’s been very important to me that the family realize that gifts and such are not the reason for the season, Jesus is. Seeing this movie I had hoped would bring a little more certainty to that frame of mind. Well… Chris drove the Church bus and took the High Schoolers up there… I met him with the middle schoolers… but the movie was sold out when we all arrived there. But, we were already there, already had movie passes purchased, so went to see another movie, Eragon. Being that money is so tight right now (understatement), it just felt like I wasted it. We’ve seen one movie since the kids moved in a year ago, so it’s not like we splurge all the time. Yet still… it weighs on my conscience….

Chris and I were talking this weekend about all the things that need to be done in the house and how it seems impossible to do anything. The house needs to be painted, inside and out. Yard looks awful, needs weeding and mulch. The kitchen cabinets need work as they are falling apart. We’ve had termites now for a year and they need to be dealt with. The back porch needs screens replaced. Several of the windows in the house need screens so that we can open the windows on nice days and let the air in. There were a lot more things on the list… I just can’t remember them all. All need to be done, and all need what? That’s right… time and money. (Heart continues to race)

Julie called the house last night and she and I had an argument. She actually hung up on me she was so upset. She called to talk about Christmas Eve, spending the night. I told her I was not really comfortable with that. I explained how I had to watch her the whole time and that it wasn’t fair to ME… that I had no time for me. She said that it would be a non-issue after the hearing on Friday in which she was going to get unsupervised visits. SIGH…. I told her not to be too sure that she would get unsupervised visits on Friday. She asked what I meant… and I told her that I wasn’t sure that DCF and the Guardian Ad Litem was going to recommend it at this time. And that for sure I had concerns. I explained that she had been very – sick – as of late, with her blood sugar being out of control to the point of requiring her being transported to the ER by Ambulance frequently and now that she was on Pain pills… that I just didn’t think it was going to happen this Friday. She was PISSED. Pissed to the point where she hung up on me. And to be clear about what about that upsets me… it’s not that Julie is angry… it’s that we’ve had a good balance between us. I’ve been able to express how I feel to her without her being angry with me. If that balance goes away… she gets mad at me, then her kids get angry with me because they think they have to ‘choose sides’… that is when it would be uncomfortable. I pray that doesn’t happen.

Then I think about what would happen if Julie didn’t come over at all on Christmas. That would be horrible… in a way. She has ALL the gifts for the kids – I’ve not bought Kayla Justin or Kayte one single gift. I do plan on going to the dollar store and getting stocking suffers, but I have only been able to buy ONE gift this year, and it was for Jonathan. I didn’t even get anything for my husband, mother, sisters, mother and father in law – nobody. And that weighs heavily on my conscious as well.

It’s easy to think there are other things you could do other than spend money on a gift for Christmas… but that is really hard. For my mom’s birthday last month she was going to come up and I was going to cook her dinner. I haven’t even had a night that we could get together for that… it’s been insanely busy. And this week Justin’s therapy starts, which is going to add another night out to our weekly schedule. I’ve tried to think of something clever… but my brain must be mush most of the time because I can’t think of anything. It would be one thing if I were talking about friends and co-workers that I was concerned about… but these are the people who have been with me through everything, loving me, supporting me, helping me in ways I never thought possible. Chris, Mom, Evie, Katie, Jimmie… how could I not get them something for Christmas? And yet… how COULD I get them something when it’s just not there. (Heart continues to race)

This is my frame of mind today. In the past I have tried to control everything. This isn’t what is going on here. I don’t want control… I don’t know what I want. Come to think of it, I don’t think there IS anything I want. Panic attacks are just that… attacks of panic. No logic to them at all. I know God is in control. I have faith. I’m trying so hard to do what God wants of me. Yet, still having a panic attack.

Please pray for us. Pray for me. Pray for Julie. Pray for my family, immediate and extended.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, December 18, 2006

Panic Attack

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