Tina's Daily Blog: Cheapskate!

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Cheapskate!

What is it that makes people, mostly when they become parents I think, decide not to buy stuff for themselves? My kids have lots of stuff... Game boy, X-box, shoes, clothes, lots of cool jeans... they don't get everything they want and when they (Julie's kids) want a $200 pair of shoes, their Grandma Gwen usually buys it for them, but suffice to say the kids are taken care of.

I see these people on "What Not To Wear" - the television show... the kind of people who completely neglect themselves for the sake of providing for the kids. But at what point does it get to be too much? At what point do you realize that you are not just cutting corners, you are actually neglecting yourself??

Yesterday I was at work thinking. (Going to get somewhat personal here, so for the guys I apologize now, in advance.) Chris has no sneakers - NONE - he has ONE pair of work boots that look HORRIBLE and the laces are broken, a pair of flip-flops that are LITERALLY paper thin from being worn too much, and one pair of dress shoes which he wears to Church every Sunday. Fitting since they are 'holy'... only the wrong kind of holy... they have holes in them, top and bottom. Not small holes, big ones. So I was at working thinking of this as I kept adjusting my bra... which was completely worn out since I only own ONE. I have to wash it all the time then put it back on, and I've lost well over 45 pounds now so it doesn't fit right at all. I was thinking.... why????

So... I got home last night. Chris had a horrible day -- but I said "get in the car, we are leaving." He was confused but obliged me. I drove to Target to get another bra and took him to Famous Footwear to get flip-flops, sneakers and dress shoes.

My bosses wife was in the office today and noticed my jeans had become rather baggy. Well, I was a size 22 and am now into a 16 - so of course they are. Am I supposed to go out and buy all new clothes?? I'm not at my goal weight yet! So... I get what I can here and there - CHEAP. But it's the 'can' in "I get what I CAN" that keeps killing me. Jeans are rarely cheap enough for me to want to buy them, but I do have 1 pair in my real size now. Good enough, eh? -- ARGH -- there I go again! Why do I feel this way? I'm a cheapskate - that's the problem!!

I suppose I'm in a bit of panic mode right now since our informal picnic class reunion is this Saturday. It's 21 years this year. I have to go fatter than I was in high school (well, when I wasn't pregnant that is) and in clothes that don't fit well! SHEEEEEEESH!!! Relax Tina... it'll be fine.....

Speaking of being a cheapskate... let me tell you what happened at Church the other day. We went to this event they had to 'give back' to all those who volunteer their time. It was really great fun... they had a bit of food, singing and a Christian comedian. We sat in front of this lady whom we've not yet met. When asked about 'us' we told her a little about what we had going on in our home. She sat there and said "Something in my heart is telling me to give this to you" and she gives us a $25 gift card for dinner (at Chili's or Macaroni Grill). Well, first of all, Chris and I do not go out much on our own for dinner without the kids. But this seemed like what we were supposed to do with it (and she said that it was for the two of us to go out and enjoy one night). Well, let me tell you, I LOOOOVE Macaroni Grill. So - Chris and I had another date-night recently! We sang at Church that Saturday night, dropped off 7 kids at the skating rink for Kayla's informal skating party, then went to dinner together - just the two of us. So sweet! And how very thoughtful of this woman. It was just what we needed!

Julie is coming over for a visit tonight. Oooooo... I haven't blogged about Julie since her remarkable recovery. On THE day she had to return to work - she was suddenly much better. She's now clear on the phone, doesn't sound slurred or drugged. This just makes me feel even more positive that she was on SOME kind of medication to make herself that way. But I am happy she's doing better. Let's hope the visit tonight isn't filled with as many 'when do you think I'll get the kids back' discussions.

The kids are doing well. Did I tell you that ALL of them got GREAT report cards??? Not one single D or F!! Yeah, I did... but I'm telling you again! Ha ha ha Progress reports come home next Monday... so let's just hope and pray that they are all still on the right track.

Jonathan has really picked up the Piano... it's amazing. I fully believe that it's at least partially because of his Asperger Syndrome (a form of Autism). They said he'd be really good at some things... and this is definitely one of them. He hears a song... and goes to the piano and just learns it. His keyboard will let him record, so he'll record the 'under-track' and then play that while playing -- making it sound incredible. He definitely has talent. I'd love to get him lessons... but that's down the road a little bit I think. Besides... some people argue that a person who plays well by ear shouldn't learn to play by reading. I dunno... I just don't want ANYTHING to take away the fun he's having with it now. I remember my piano lessons... lots of repetition and scales.... fingers must be this way.... sit up straight.... etc. I want him to have as much fun as he can. :o)

Amanda is doing well. She and her boyfriend Gene (yes... the 40-year-old-man) moved into their own place. She's working, as is he. He's driving 45 min a day to get to work... with no vehicle, as his was repoed... so I'm not sure how he's doing. But I know Amanda is happy to have her own apartment. This is her first time living somewhere where she is pulling her own weight... paying rent, utilities, food, etc. I try to warn her of the 'life lessons' I learned the hard way... but she's pretty determined to do things her way regardless. I'm just happy that she is healthy and happy. What more could a mom ask for???

Some of you asked about mom. She is doing just fine. Her heart was messed up before, and it's my understanding that this thing they did was supposed to fix it for her... so it's a good thing!

Well, I just decided on the name for this post - 'cheapskate' - and it's probably fitting for my frame of mind today! And thinking of that makes me think of something else you can all pray about. Our VEHICLES. Our little Durango has been a live saver since getting the kids. It's a work-truck for Chris and it's the only vehicle that all 6 or 7 of us can get into. When we didn't know for sure how long the kids were going to be with us, we thought - after they go home, we'll just buy a little 4-cylinder car for just Chris, Jono and I. Well.... now that's not an option. The transmission is getting pretty bad in the Durango and I suppose it's just a matter of time before it's gone all together. Our credit tanked after the kids moved in, so buying something right now is not really a good idea. We've got to make due with what we have. So... pray that God will let us ride around in it a little longer. Four years longer would be perfect actually. :o) God can do anything -- so squeezing 4 years life out of this Durango isn't so impossible!

Boy... I didn't really mean to just vent on rotten things today - but that sure is what it looks like! From shoes and bras to cars.... LOL

Hey... have you thanked God today for your blessings? What about your obstacles?? You know, those things help us as well. Sometimes when going through or around an obstacle, we can learn and experience the most wonderful experiences of our lives. If you haven't done so yet today... do it now..... :o)

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Cheapskate!

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