Julie's Crisis

Julie had her weekly visit last night. The visit went just fine. Julie offered to help in the kitchen a couple of times, but there was really nothing to do to 'help'. We had Shepherd's pie and it was awesome, if I do say so myself. :o) It's just...... So exhausting after her visits. I work and work and work to try and make things just right for her visit so that she can enjoy her time with the kids. It makes for an exhausting morning on Thursdays for sure.

We had a bit of an argument with Kayla last night that is still upsetting me as of today.

She wants to do something. What IT is in unimportant, and I'm sure over their teenage years there will be many 'its' and 'things' we disagree on. "Been there done that" with Amanda. But Chris and I fully agree that allowing her to do what SHE wants to do in this case would be irresponsible on our parts.

Kayla thinks we should trust her. Se thinks that SHE knows exactly what is best for her. But some things are not entirely a matter of trust. There is cut-and-dry, black-and-white "don't let the kids do this" in parenting... And sometimes it's just THAT simple.

Kayla said over and over again that we do not TRUST her. I guess that is what breaks my heart the most.

We HAVE been trusting her more and more every day. We give her things and TRUST that she is doing the right thing without even checking to make SURE that she is all the time. For example: other family members told me that I should check Kayla's time-sheet at work to make sure she's not getting there early or staying late just to hang out with her boyfriend. We trust her on this issue and have told her many times that we "assume/trust" that she is doing the right thing. We let her go out with her friends or even her boyfriend as long as we know where she is going, what time, and who she will be with. I don't follow her to Busch Gardens to make sure she went... I TRUST her. She let me down on that trust just recently by hanging out with her boyfriend for a whole day NOT telling us where she was. She was punished for a week for that - not allowed to go anywhere but to and from work. Now that it's over, we give her the same level of trust as before.

Yet... Over and over again she said that we don't trust her. Chris and I tried to get Kayla to see our side. We even got her to the point where she agreed that if Justin, Kayte or Jonathan were in the same situation - our 'rule' would be right. But for whatever reason - she believes the same rule applied to HER should be different. I suppose that's being a 16-year old, huh? Jeez... This stinks!!!

Kayla was crying a lot. But... As my sister Katie just pointed out - we are here to make rules that will help them become responsible adults and to keep them safe - NOT to be their friends. She's right. But still sometimes it makes "Auntie Tina" feel like a really bad person.

I got a call from Julie today. She is trying to get help paying her bills. She's behind... Way behind. I told her to try calling the St. Vincent dePaul society. Instead she called some office that is tied to the food stamp office.

She called me to ask me which lie she should use... That she didn't make ANY money and that Arthur (the live-in boy-toy) was paying her $700 a month (he pays nothing currently)... or lie about how much she makes from the VA. I told her she should tell the TRUTH and see what help she can get. She said "If I tell the truth, they won't help me because I make enough money." I said, "if you make enough money, WHERE DID IT GO?" Think about it for a minute... She's been in the hospital for weeks out of the past month or two... That should have cut down on her electric, water, and food bill greatly. She doesn't lose any money because her income is from the VA, so she is unaffected by the amount of times she is in the hospital.

It was just a striking reminder this morning of how Julie will work SO HARD to get AROUND the system. Julie does this all the time, as do her kids.

Oh jeez.... Julie has been calling ALL morning. A second ago up in this blog is was she just called, and now she's called half a dozen times. First she was trying to get aid from the Food Stamp office folks, then she called the St. Vincent de Paul people. They said she needed to call the crisis line because everything was due to be turned off on Tuesday, August 7th. She called the crisis line and they will fax over the paperwork, but it COULD take three days to do so. She's going to have them fax it to me (ya know, since she's going to the penthouse and all, she'll be unavailable until Tuesday). I'll fill it out for her (and I will NOT lie) and send it back. But that could be Monday... So who knows.

She's been crying all morning. As I type this, I'm fielding all kinds of calls... Julie... Mom... Katie.... I'm mad and worried at the same time. Worried because she was so manic before (she hasn't been sleeping much which is one of her bad signs when we know something is going to go bad for her.) Then I'm mad because she's in this situation to begin with. I know she has been trying to get phone jobs... But maybe she needs to cut grass or walk some dogs to make quick money. Or maybe she needs to be making more of an effort to rent out the rooms in her house. She could start by making Arthur pay rent! She could be out this weekend looking for jobs... Instead of soaking up the sun at the beach while knowing when she returns the electric/water will be shutoff. I just don't GET IT.

Then she thought she was going to have to pawn the ring that Ron gave to her. It is a REALLY nice and very expensive ring. I think it's worth between $5,000 and $10,000 dollars. She might see if her friend will 'borrow' it from her and give her cash in exchange. Although I warned her against this because we both know that she's not going to be able to save enough to repay for whatever she borrows.

The other funny yet sad story about this ring is that - Julie and Ron had it insured and once filed a claim stating it was stolen. It wasn't.... And that's all I'll say about that.

Ya know, I was just here thinking about the whole thing some more. Here is another great example of how utterly different Julie and I are. When Chris and I were hit financially hard, my first thought was to go to a free financial counselor through a Christian agency to discuss everything and see what we could do to better make ends meet. When Julie was hit hard... Her first thought was to go out and lie about what she makes so that she can receive help. Second thought was to pawn her wedding ring. At no time (even in the conversation I just had just now with Julie again, probably my 6th of today) at no time does she think about anything beyond this week or this month. And again, sadly, I don't fault Julie for this. It's her mental condition... Her mental status... Her mental capabilities. And with that, I suddenly feel bad about being angry. But... It is what it is... And that's part of my reason for keeping the blog... To work through my mixed-bag of emotions when it comes to all of this.

Along those same lines, I just talked to the social security office about Julie. I explained her situation... She receives VA benefits (which stop in 2 years by the way... When her youngest child turns 16). Julie has always been insistent that she could not receive VA and SSI.

What Julie was referring to is a meeting she had with SSI back after Ron first died. At THAT time, YES, she was receiving SSI benefits. But she was receiving them because she had the kids living with her. Now she only receives VA money.

I explained to SS that Julie couldn't work. First of all, she was always in the hospital for something - mental or physical. And that... When she did have a job, she lost it because she wasn't able to keep it and be hospitalized as much as she had been. She SSI lady felt confident Julie could get on SSI.

She said that there are some instances where you can't receive VA and SSI, but that it could not hurt at all to try. She even asked if I wanted to start a claim right now for her. I didn't... But I took the information for Julie.

Then the woman told me that if Julie really didn't apply because she had good reason to THINK that she really didn't qualify,they COULD back-date her starting date for SSI.

I really really hope Julie gives them a call. When I talked to her about it just now, she said she couldn't do it because she'd need an attorney and she couldn't afford one. (Why is it that Julie's first response is always how she CAN'T do something?) I told her that first of all, she might be able to do it on her own. Second of all, if she needed an attorney that often times they will take their payment when you win your case and they take it out of the money you receive at that time. She mentioned that she could not do it on her own as she knew that she would have to list EVERY single hospitalization for God only knows how long. Yes.... that could be a problem. My other sister Katie told me that I could probably do it for her. Although I'm sure I 'could', I'm pretty sure I shouldn't. First of all, I'd bet that the paperwork on her hospitalizations is probably 5 feet high. Secondly, I do not think I should see all the things that went on in the hospital. I'd see all the times she had Morphine and such and I'd probably just get really mad. So... No... This truly would be best left to someone like an attorney. And really... what does Julie have to lose??? I hope she does call them.

And if anyone is worried about Julie for next week, her friend did offer to pay that one month's bill so they don't shut everything off. So... Julie is taken care of for this crisis. Yeah!

The other thing I was going to touch on today was that -- I talked to Justin and the mom where Justin is staying this week. She told me that Julie HAD been calling Justin quite a bit -- most of the time when she wasn't there. I explained to her why Julie wasn't allowed to talk to the kids without me on the other line. She had no idea. I told her that I didn't want to say anything to the kids about it, that I expected to tell Julie and HER follow the rules. She told me that she would make sure that it didn't happen again and she appreciated me calling her.

But it does greatly add to the frustration that I know that she's been trying to work around the rules. And it drives me N.U.T.S.

Time to get to work. I leave you with this for today:

Children pay little attention to their parents' teachings, but reproduce their characters faithfully. Mason Cooley