Tina's Daily Blog: Changes Upon Us

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Changes Upon Us

I'd like to ask for some prayers please. We are going through some things right now - things with the VA. They want me to send in the paperwork stating that I have custody of the kids. I need to send this in, for several reasons. First and foremost, it helps with everything I need to do for the kids medically. Every time I call Tricare for a referral I have had to refax the custody paperwork as they don't have me on file there. Next big reason is the paperwork that will be needed when they have to go to college. As their Guardian, I'll need to help them with anything that they need before they turn 18 (or 19 if still in high school).

The problem is... they are going to start sending the money that they SHOULD have been sending to the kids all along actually TO the KIDS now - not to Julie. Julie has been getting that money all this time. This is very hard for me as her sister, I know she needs that money. Well, she needs money, I don't know that she needs THAT money, but she needs money.

In my heart of hearts, I know that Julie needs to do what Julie needs to do for her to survive. File with social security for Disability, get a job - whatever she needs to do - she NEEDS to do. In my heart of hearts, I know that I need to just send the VA the paperwork that they are asking for and let what they do with it happen. "Let the chips fall where they may" so to speak.

The man from the VA did tell me that he did NOT think that they would make Julie repay any money to the VA. He also told me the wheels of the VA would probably turn rather slowly in making the change once they receive the guardian paperwork. Good news for Julie, I'm sure. I've not had the heart to tell Julie any of this yet... I don't know how to do this.

The other day I caught myself telling Julie that maybe I could take the money they were going to send to the kids and then send it to Julie. I do that sometimes... the big sister in me just wants to protect her and make everything okay.

But ya know what.... that is wrong. Any money the VA sends to the kids should go for the kids. Their stuff. It's expensive as HELL raising them. Heck, just buying dinner and a few odds and ends Sunday when Julie was over cost me $115 at Publix. Then there's baseball, the mall, spending money, ROTC trips, school expenses... just all kinds of things. Heck, the Durango is still sitting BROKE in the driveway, I have to bum rides when the family wants to go to church together or if we all have someplace we want to go as a family -- and I am thinking of giving away the kids VA money? Really?? What am I thinking? And more importantly, do I even have the RIGHT to do that? Geez.

I have to pray about all of this. Actually I already have. I know what I need to do... I know what the right thing to do is. The problem is, I know my sister isn't going to be very happy with what God's plan is because it's going to be a little hard on her.

But then again.... she IS going to Church with us now on Sundays. Maybe that's no coincidence. Maybe it's God's plan.... God's perfect timing. Funny... I didn't think of that until I started blogging about it. Gosh, that's why I love blogging.

Who knows. Well.... I know who knows. I just need to trust Him. A lot more than I do now! :o)

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I got some great news today!

Remember I've been talking about my mortgage and how my interest rate was going up? How I have been trying to refinance but my credit wasn't all that great and I have very little 'credit history'? Yeah, we were one of those families that might lose their homes because they got into their homes with no income verification and with an interest rate that was okay for three years then became an ARM that will go up every 6 months for the remainder of the loan.

Well.... today I received approval! Not written in stone I suppose, but I did get someone to say "yes, we approve you". The good news is that it's going to be at a lower interest rate than what we have now.... we'll be locked in at 6.5%. Even better news is that it'll save us between $300 and $400 a month.

What a relief!

I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight!

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Maybe if this loan is really approved I can give SERIOUS thought about going back to Toast of Tampa.

I went to rehearsal last Tuesday. My goodness it was great. I'd forgotten how much I missed it. Parts of it anyways.

I missed being a part of a 120+ woman organization of excellent singers. I kinda miss being in charge. I definitely miss the 'excellence' in singing. It's just a whole different level than anything that you can imagine, unless you've been involved in something like an A level barbershop chorus before.

And performing. I miss performing.

At church, I feel that it's a fine line between worshiping and performing. I work very hard to worship and not perform, unless it's a song we're rocking out to and I'm just having a BLAST singing it. In the church choir, I try not to perform too much because you can't stand out too much... I am aware of this and try my best to fit in. But man, I miss singing, dancing, and performing. If you haven't seen it before - go here - and scroll down to "International Chorus Competition From Las Vegas" and click "2007 International Champion Chorus Rich-Tone Chorus, Region 25" -- then check out the video link for "I'm Nobody's Baby/Nobody's Sweetheart". I'm telling you, it's a rush. That's not Toast of Tampa, but it's a chorus our size and another A level chorus.

So, we'll see. I'm not sure about Toast of Tampa. I'd love to go back - but it's a big commitment. It means I'd be away from home every Tuesday night - which means Chris cooks dinner and gets the kids to bed while I'm out. It means I pay dues of $40 a month plus 'extra' stuff that I won't even go into here now cuz I don't want to think about it yet. Then there is the competitions. Toast of Tampa lives to compete - it's why they strive to sing and dance at an A level - they win in the State of Florida then go on to compete at an International level every other year. This year's competition (that Toast is not in) is in Hawaii. Next year I think it's in Nashville, which is MUCH better financially. But it's still time off work.

A lot to think about. For now, I'll keep going to rehearsals and have fun until I make up my mind. :o)

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I thought I'd share some pictures we took at Kayla's birthday party. Enjoy!

Justin and Julie:

Kayla and Chris (her boyfriend):

Kayte and Justin:

Chris and Tina:

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: Great post! You need to know that you have done the right thing. You need that money that Julie is getting to raise her kids and give them the things they need. If the Tricare issue hadn't come up this wouldn't have happened. It's in the greater plan...you need to have faith that you've done nothing wrong and are doing the right thing. There are other ways Julie can obtain income.

Congrats on the re-fi...I know that's a load off your mind for sure!

I'm so glad you're thinking about Toast--I really think it's important for you to have a little something to give you a break--Chris can do Tuesday nights---really!

It's almost Friday-can't wait! See you then if not before!! :)
Love ya!; 10:56 PM
Almostunreal said...: Thanks for the pics..I was always curious what they all look like, lol.

I've wathced the video and I love it. I always love listening the American choir and alway admire them. I too used to take part in a choir and believe me, we do no sound close to yours..hahaha

Ans to conclude, I am sure that things will turn out for the best; 4:39 PM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Changes Upon Us

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