Tina's Daily Blog: Kayla Turns 17

Friday, January 25, 2008

Kayla Turns 17

Julie and I had a horrible fight on Monday night. Actually ,it was an all-day-long kind of argument, but in the evening I lost my temper and blurted out some very unkind words.

The fight - what it was about - is irrelevant really. What was said by whom, also irrelevant. But I would ask for prayers - prayers of patience for me. Prayers for Julie. Prayers for the situation in general.

The one good thing that came out of the argument was that Julie did admit that Kayla shouldn't move in with her. I know it must have been very VERY difficult for her to write. She said...

"As bad as I want her to be with me, I do feel that she should finish school with you and then go to college. She can come home on the weekends if she wants to. I know I need to put Kayla's best interest first. I lover her and all of my kids so much - but their best interest is to be with you. It's hard for me to admit that, but it's the truth. I can barely take care of myself, I know I won't mean to - but I will only hurt Kayla in the long run if she is with me. You don't know how hard that is for me to say and admit, but I have to."

Pretty darn amazing, huh? I know that had to be SO HARD for Julie... And I'm very proud of her for thinking about the kids first.

**************************

My mind is in quite a quandary this afternoon. I need some help trying to decide what to do.

As you may recall from blogs two years ago, if you were reading along way back then, Julie and the kids used to receive two sets of checks after Ron's death. SSI and VA.

When I first got the paperwork from DCF showing I had been granted "temporary custody" of the kids, I took it to SSI and called the VA. SSI was very helpful... They took all the money the kids were getting and moved that over to me. Well, not all of it, Julie still collected some of it - but they caught up with it after a while and make her pay it back and we were retro-actively paid that money last year.

The VA on the other hand was anything BUT helpful. When I called they explained that the VA check was one check. Yes, a portion of it was for the kids, but - it was in Julie's check and there was nothing we could do about getting that money. They explained that Julie could cut us a check every month personally, but there was nothing more the VA could do.

We left it at that and I didn't think about it again.

Until today - when Julie called. She apparently had called the VA because she was afraid some of the kids money was going to stop soon. Sure enough, there is a form that needs to be filled out long before Kayla turns 18 - because she'll still be a full time student and the VA will still cover benefits until she's 19. So, Julie tells me that I am supposed to fill out this form (as the kids legal guardian) and submit it so that they can keep paying Julie the benefits for the kids.

Hold it right there.

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Yeah....that didn't sound right to me either.

If they are going to refuse to give me any money to raise the kids, why would they expect me to to fill out any paperwork? Julie should fill it out, right?

So, I asked Julie for the number and I called them.

Now I wish I had never called. Well, sort of.

The man told me that the day I received "Permanent Custody" I should have been receiving the $674 per month that Julie's been getting that was ear-marked for the kids. Now, my ears were buzzing at this point and I never thought to ask if that was each or just one lump sum.

I told the man.... "Listen, I don't want the money. My sister is living off that money and needs it to pay her mortgage. I'm just worried about the paperwork side of it. When Justin and Kayte (in particular because they will be under 18 when applying for college) need me to do all this paperwork for them for college - am I going to be able to do anything for them? Does the VA recognize me as their guardian?

He said no. I needed to make an appointment and get in to the VA and bring them the custody paperwork to get that going. I'm going to need that down the road.

But... If I do that --- I already know what is going to happen. They are going to take that money away from Julie.

And I find I have opened a can of worms that I wish I could get the lid back on. Quickly. Yet... I can't.

**************************

It's been a day since I typed the above. We had dinner last night together as a big HUGE family for Kayla's 17th Birthday. We all went to BJ's for dinner, a restaurant inside of Citrus Park Mall. Kayla loves the place, as do I - it's economical and it has great food with generous portions. A good time was had by all.

I'll post some pictures of her birthday soon.

For now I want to ask for a few prayers for Julie.

I was wondering why it's kind of "all been about Julie" here lately. Well.. I now fully realize that she's manic. Well, manic as well as having panic attacks, bless her heart.

I have to run. More soon, I have a LOT to blog about and am working on another blog now. I just didn't want this one to be too long!

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, January 25, 2008

Kayla Turns 17

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