Tina's Daily Blog: Roadmap To Success

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Roadmap To Success

I'm not worried today. Today I'm just plain frustrated.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday trying to get a fixed rate mortgage for my home, to no avail. My credit score was not as horrible as I thought it was going to be, but not as good as they wanted it to be. My income was great. I was super worried about late payments showing on my credit since I've been paying all my house payments at the end of the month rather than the first of the month for the past year or so. But - my mortgage company only showed ONE payment at 30 days and that one just so happened to be the one month that my regular mortgage company sold the loan to a new mortgage company. I'm pretty darn sure I read where they have to give you a 'grace period' when they take over your loan abruptly like that, to allow for mailing problems and such.

Other than that, the only thing that kills my credit is simply not having any. I told the mortgage guy that - at the end of the night, I go to bed knowing I have a couple little $300 credit cards to worry about, my home loan, and that's it. Other than keeping the roof over our heads, the utilities paid and food on the table, I don't owe anyone.

And if the trade-off for that is CRAPPY credit... I guess....... I'm okay with that.

I guess.

I mean.... The down-side is that I'm in an ARM mortgage that's going up now every 6 months. I only need to get my credit score up about 40 more points or so to become bank-qualified for a loan. That's pretty darn good, I think. But how to do that? I dunno.

Sigh.....

Then there is the kids and their insurance. I received a letter today from Tricare. Julie has to pay $125 every quarter or something like that for the kids to remain on Tricare Prime. That means no deductibles and only $12 copayments at the doctors. Sure, they have Medicaid as a secondary thanks to the State. But... Finding a doctor who takes both Tricare AND Medicaid just isn't easy. It's darn-near impossible unless you go to a hospital.

So, Julie didn't pay the money for the Tricare and it was cancelled. Mind you, I can't do anything with the military... I'm not military. I can't separate out the kids, only Julie can pay this. And... Heck.... $125 a quarter for her and THREE kids? Sheesh! I pay about $400 a month for JUST Jonathan and myself. Then, AFTER that, I have a $500 deductible and pay $50 for prescriptions, $35 every time I see the doctor PLUS an additional 10% of the visit.

I'd give just about ANYTHING to have to only pay $125 a quarter. Jeez.

Anyways, it is what it is. Their Tricare Prime was disenrolled due to non-payment and according to the paperwork I received, they now have a deductible as well as a percent of each charge I'm supposed to pay. Additionally the paperwork says that "You are not ALLOWED to re-enroll in this plan for 12 months from the date your disenrollment was effective." Julie says that she was told that she could get back on the plan. I don't know... The letter looks pretty darn clear to me.

So, I called to find out more information and they can't TALK to me because - again - they don't have my guardianship paperwork on file. Can I just tell you how frustrating that is? I have faxed that paperwork to Tricare no less than four times already. At least. Every single time they need to go to the doctor or I need to change their doctor or they needed to see a psychiatrist, I had to fax the paperwork for their records.

And still, they have no record of it.

F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-N-G.

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Julie just called to say hi. That was nice. Then she dropped the stuff about Kayla. Gwen sent her a nice email telling her that she needed to do the paperwork for Kayla's college applications/GI bill. Julie's been working on that today I guess. Every time I think about Kayla moving out, I'm sick to my stomach. I'm trying my best to not think about it. To not WORRY about it. It's a whole YEAR away. Yet..... I wanna vomit.

A friend of mine just sent me some bible verses on worry. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hears and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I should pray more, tell God what I want, and be thankful for the time I have with the kids. No doubt.

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Since I wrote that last line, I've had a whole day to think things through. What I've decided is to blog more about what I would really LIKE to see Julie doing. Instead of what she's doing wrong, blog more about what I wish that she would be doing that would be right. Give her what would be, in MY opinion, a roadmap to success.

First we could start off with her doctors and her mental and physical health..... I wish that she would get her health in order. Take her medications as prescribed. This is really hard folks, I keep typing in what she's doing wrong -- and have to backspace out and delete it. Sheesh.

Then I wish that she would continue going to church, because I think that's a really good thing for her, if she goes for the right reasons.

I wish that she would collect rent from her roommates as if she were in charge - and if they don't pay - KICK EM OUT! Forget the mindset that 'they might pay someday'... If they weren't there, it frees up the room for someone else who COULD be there actually contributing and paying rent on a regular basis. This would help Julie become more financially stable so she wouldn't have to worry about working. I know Julie can't work... So I think having renters is her best option for keeping her bills paid.

And last for now, I wish that Julie would realize that Kayla needs to stay with us - JUST until she finishes high school. I think it's best for Kayla to stay close to the friends she's been with all this time and to finish out her school year at Gaither. I wish Julie would take care of HERSELF first. Work on that and keep herself better. She hasn't been out of the hosptial more than a month in I don't know how long.... even if she went two or three months... sigh.... that was going to be negative I think. Okay - try that again....

I want -- MY WISH -- would be for Julie to take care of Julie and for us to finish this with Kayla through High School. THEN let Kayla do whatever Kayla wants to do, and Julie do what Julie wants to do.

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If I don't put in a picture of my beautiful Godchild Isabella here, I'm thinking my sister Katie might just disown me. So here are a couple of picture for you to enjoy.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Roadmap To Success

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