Tina's Daily Blog: Fight At School

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Fight At School

Kayte got hit / punched at school today.

There has been this big girl at school who has been bullying her for months. She keeps threatening her and calling her names. Even her mom was in the office once and the two of them, the mother AND daughter, in the office, were both 'picking on' Kayte - in FRONT of others in the school office.

I had a talk with the assistant principal not too long about about this girl. I asked what we could do because Kayte was afraid of this girl. Kayte just knew this girl was going to beat her up. The assistant principal told me that there was nothing that could be done unless something actually HAPPENED.

Today it happened.

Kayte was in the hallway talking to friends - her back was towards this girl. The girl came up behind her and - WHAM - punched her in the back of the head. Lots of kids saw it happen. Kayte wasn't expecting it. It hurt. She cried. It was a big deal and now everyone in the school is talking about it.

I got a text message from Kayla first telling me that Kayte had just been punched by this girl and that Kayla was afraid for her. This girl is really big and VERY mean. I should probably mention here that this girl has been in MANY fights and as a result has been suspended many times. I hear she has also been to Juvenile Detention a few times. Many kids in the school fear this girl, and when I called the Assistant Principal a few months back about it, he knew exactly who she was. She is definitely 'well-known' for this sort of thing.

The next text message was from Kayte telling me that she was 'afraid for her life'. I told her to immediately go to the office and I would handle it from there. I then called the school and got the police officer (on site) and told him what happened. The girl that hit Kayte was arrested and will be suspended out of school for 10 days.

I should also mention here that although she was arrested today, by 3pm this afternoon, this girl was home on Myspace sending messages happily to her friends. Love our juvenile justice system, eh? Yeah.

Kayla and Kayte are NOT HAPPY. They believe that this girl is going to come back for them - that she is going to "kill" them. The ONLY thing Kayla and Kayte want right now is to change schools. Flat out CHANGE schools. That - to them - in their teenage opinion - will solve EVERYTHING.

Throughout the day today I have spoken with the assistant principal and the school police officer. Both have pretty much made what I feel is 'light' of the situation. What I mean by that is.... well.... for example, when I asked the assistant principal at one point if he felt that I could tell Kayte that she would be safe in school, that she wouldn't get beat up again, he actually said "I don't have a crystal ball". He didn't say it in a totally sarcastic way, he meant it as in - he didn't know what tomorrow would bring. I get that. However, the more I thought about it throughout the day today, the more confident I am that the school MUST provide my children with a SAFE environment to learn.

SAFE

Right? Am I right about that? Isn't there some kind of rule about that somewhere? I think there is.

So, I sent the following message to the assistant principal today and copied the principal:

In the past she was told nothing could happen until Kayte was actually punched. Today that happened and I'm sure it wasn't pleasant. When this girl now returns to school, can she then continue to taunt and bully her with no repercussions, and does Kayte now just wait again to be hit before she can again do something?

The kids tell me that (Name withheld) is a much bigger problem than what I think was implied when you and I discussed on the phone. The kids have told me of a couple of their friends who have had to change schools because of a direct result of an altercation with this same girl. They have told me stories now of many fights this (girl) has been in, some leaving girls bloodied and afraid. This has my girls terrified of going to school.

What they are being told is that because they 'told' - because they 'had her arrested' - she has told people that she is 'coming after them' when she gets back. Apparently (this girl) has a brother who goes to Gaither who has told Kayte and Kayla the same thing, (this girl) will come back and will come looking for her.

Mr. Jones - I need your assurance that my girls will be safe attending Gaither High School. I know you can't look into a "crystal ball" (as you told me earlier) and tell me anything, but if she HAS done this before and has repeated this behavior yet again, then clearly my girls are in danger and I should at least consider changing schools if you can not protect them. If this was a one-time incident then I think I would be over-reacting. But the kids are telling me that this girl has been a continued discipline problem at Gaither. I, on the other hand, have four bright, smart, productive, social and well-balanced teenagers attending Gaither. The state gave me custody of these children to raise a few years ago, it's my responsibility to make sure they are safe. I think at this time I need your assurance that they are, indeed, safe, while attending school.

If you need me to make an appointment to come in to meet with you to discuss this with you in person, please let me know. Otherwise, I look forward to your reply.

Think that'll do it? I sure hope so. Because if I have to hear ONE MORE TIME how they want / need / must change schools, I think I'm going to SCREAM. I swear to you, I think I've heard them say it no less than 50 times since 3 this afternoon.

No less.

No lie.

I don't want them to change schools. I won't LET them change schools. I will insist the school protect them. I will see to it that this girl is expelled before I pull my kids out of Gaither and put them all in another school. That's just plum crazy to me!

I should run. I don't have a lot of time here, I just wanted to let you all know about Kayte and the fight today.

Please keep this situation in your prayers. The girls are truly TERRIFIED and VERY worked up about it.

"Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41: 10)

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Fight At School

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