Tina's Daily Blog: No Worries

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

No Worries

I have been having a really bad 'mental health' day today. Cried a lot. Too many emails. Just... A bad day.

First thing this morning, when I checked the kids myspace accounts, I found where Justin and Kayte had emailed some of the kids who came to the house last night. Justin and Kayte both were 'egging them on' so to speak. Talking BIGTIME trash. Telling them that Justin was going to 'kick their ass'. It was UNREAL as I was reading it. I felt like these kids - MY KIDS - were little thugs. I hate to say that, but that is EXACTLY what they sounded like in their messages. Examples? Sure, I'll give examples:

Kayte's first message to one of the boys: "You need to sit the fuck down. My brother said if you even think about coming down the street he is gonna fuck you up." Nice Kayte. Nice.

Justin's message: "Yo nigga, you ain't gonna do no shit to me or anyone else. I ain't scared to hit yo ass nigga for real."

Yeah... No wonder they came over here looking for a fight last night.

Sigh..... I am TOTALLY over kids and computers. Totally.

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I feel totally overwhelmed today. Really and truly I do.

Last night at bible study, I asked for prayers to help me let go of worry. By and large that is my biggest obstacle right now, and I totally know it. I know there is nothing I can do about it. I know worrying about things is non-productive (and I HATE being non-productive!), yet I find myself worrying a lot lately.

For example: Gwen sent me an email this morning. In that email she referenced a few things:
* Us claiming the kids on our tax returns so we should get a nice tax refund.
* Our Durango is still not fixed.
* We bought a hot tub. And pay for chemicals.
* We are going on a cruise.
* We don't pay Kayte and Justin an allowance and she believes we should.
* Kayla wants to move out, and the 'only' reason she didn't dispute custody is so the kids could be near their mother.

One could read so many things into this. My worry alert went into overdrive on this one. I responded back and am not going to go into details, but I think I'm better now.

I just need to not worry about it.

The big phrase of the day.

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Here is a funny story for you. I took Justin to the walk in clinic the other day because he had this horrible Stye.

I know what you are thinking... A stye? You went to the doctor for a stye? Well, he's had it for a month and a half, so, yeah, I took him to the doctor.

Kayte went with us and while we were waiting... They talked about the most STRANGE things. So strange that I broke out my keyboard and started writing it down. Here - enjoy:

Justin: "So, I was riding a bike with my eyes closed. I took my hands off the handle bars. I must have gone straight for a while. But it was dark. Then I ran into a fence. I hurt myself pretty bad; scraped up my arms and legs pretty bad."

Kayte Says.... "I've done that... Sorta. Only mine was while I was walking. I closed my eyes and I couldn't walk straight. Then I just ran into a tree."

Kayte continues: "Oh and in school last month I saw a llama. It was walking in the upstairs hallway. All by itself. That's when I first decided I wanted a Llama. That and when I saw the field of Llamas at Gramma's house, I knew even more surely that I wanted a Llama."

Yeah..... Okay.

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Sometimes I remember what it used to be like to be independent and not rely on others for anything. Sometimes I miss those days. It seems like so long ago... Like forever ago.

I remember when Chris and I bought all our own food for our family. When we had friends of all sorts... From Barbershop-singing buddies to others who would vacation with us as a family on the beach over Memorial Day weekend. A VAST group of WILDLY diverse group of friends you would for sure call them.

And Chris and I were anything but dependent on anyone or anything.

I didn't really have God in my life. But oddly, it FELT, at the time anyways, like I was independent and strong.

I was in charge of a large chorus, leading them to several state championships and into International Competitions where we finished fourth and sixth while I was President and section leader. I don't even remember now how many years I was the the Communications Technology Coordinator liaison for Sweet Adeline's International and our Region, I'd have to look it up. But I did it all myself.

Years ago, when I wanted to go out to eat with the kids, which we DID DO all the time, we just DID IT. All the time. Or saw a movie once a month or more, whenever something was coming out that we all four wanted to go and see. It didn't seem like that big of a deal back then.

Then life came to s SCREECHING HALT and God reorganized everything for us. We have new priorities.

But sometimes...

Sometimes it feels like I'm weak.

The church gave us gift certificates for the kids for Christmas. Michelle took care of getting them all something that they really wanted for Christmas. Another friend is coming by this week to bring a gift but wants to remain anonymous as she wants the kids to have that 'it takes a village' kind of feel instead of the 'this one person' helped kind of thinking. Our bible study group even chipped in and gave us a gift for Christmas! And this is all WONDERFUL stuff.

But, sometimes, I feel like I'm weak.... Like I'm a failure.

Then I realize that I'm being irrational because I personally didn't give birth to five kids! I only chose to have TWO which was truly perfect for me. God gave me the other three at His time, His choosing, when He saw fit to do so.

Yet still, I feel weak sometimes. Sigh...

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Chris and I are Godparents! My sister Katie and her husband Tony picked us to be the Godparents for their little girl Isabella Marie Roman. (Middle name is the same as mine, I might point out!) We were so proud to have been chosen to be the Godparents! Tony is Puerto Rican and I'm sure there is probably some kind of family thing they were 'supposed' to do.

For Chris and I to have been chosen for this honor is truly -- well -- an HONOR. I told Tony that Chris and I will do our best to represent a Christian lifestyle to little Isabella. To be there for her, to answer any questions she has, to be a shining light in a very dark world.

The priest said it best at that Baptism... He said that when people see a Christian in normal day-to-day life, they should think to themselves "I want some of that", because they can see the joy in which we are living.

I want Isabella to see that joy in which Chris and I get out of life, being a Christian. And, that - I know - can be tough. It can be tough to lead by example and not lead in such a way that you seem arrogant or self-righteous.

So many times I think that people could never possibly see my life as it is now and think "I want to live like her!" The chaos. The turmoil. The constant issues I have to deal with because of parenting someone else's kids.

But, I think maybe if I stop looking at all the stuff around me. At all the stuff going on around me that is GOING to happen, and I realize that Christ is the center of my life, that -- maybe that should be good enough.

Maybe I need to focus on that a little more. Realizing that it's not about me. It's not about the kids. It's not about the stuff that happens. It's about doing it all for the glory of God, our Father. Having Christ as the center of your life. Then recognizing it and making sure your life is reflective of your core.

And, maybe - just maybe - if Isabella saw THAT from her Godmother - maybe some day she will find herself saying "I want to live my life just like that!"

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

No Worries

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