Tina's Daily Blog: The Day From Hell

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The Day From Hell

Well.... it's 11:30 at night - after the day from hell. Let me walk you through it....

I get a call at 7am this morning at home. It's the rehab center, Doug has been vomiting brown gook and they are taking him to the Emergency Room. I get up, get the kids moving, and head to work (I work in an office alone, going with Doug to the ER was not possible). At work I call Chris and tell him what's going on with his dad. (He's still in Jacksonville) At about 11 Chris tells me his mom is at the hospital visiting Doug and that he doesn't look well at all. At noon I decide to spend my lunch at the hospital.

I get to the hospital and -- no Doug. He's already gone back to the rehab center. Now, this is a good thing, I just wish I had know 30 min ago he was heading out. So... out to my car I go to head back to work. My car won't start. Grrrrreat.

Now, I know my car pretty well and I know that this is probably a simple fix (little known fact, if I could learn a 'trade' it would be a mechanic - I've always wanted to do that). I pop the hood and the battery connections are covered with crud. I have no coke in the car to clean it off so I try just jiggling it a little with a spare shirt I have in the car. But it just won't work. **sigh** I call Chris (as if he could possibly help me from Jacksonville, I know I know!). I decide to go get some coke from the vending machine inside the ER. I leave my purse in the car but grab 75 cents for the soda and walk inside. The coke machine... broken. Grrrrrreat.

I go back out to my car (did I mention it's 90 degrees outside at this time?). I know I have water in my trunk. I try to open the trunk... the flipping button's won't work (probably because they are tied to the battery I can't get working either). Okay, Tina... think! I take my 75 cents and head back to the ER. I ask if there is another machine, they say around the side of the building. I head out to find it. I have to walk clear out by the street to get around some monster wall that's blocking that side of the building.... walk around and I can't find this machine they are talking about. Of course, no employees out for me to ask... so I head back to the car.

At this point, I'm just frustrated but not overly upset. In my car, still playing around w/ the battery cable, can't get it to work. I decide to head back into the ER and see what other drink they might have that would work. Again... leaving my purse and have 75 cents in pocket. Get to the machine... Orange Juice! That's acidic, right? It'll work! Guess what?? Yep... it cost a dollar. Now I could have asked one of the folks there for a quarter, but I didn't want to. Head back out to the car, cursing under my breath, and get the dollar. Get the OJ, pour it on the battery connection, gook gets gone. Yeah!!!

Still won't start. **exhaustive sigh**

I decide I should see if someone can jump start the car. I go to find security at the hospital... they have no cables to give me a jump. Grrrrrreat. I decide to call for a jump/tow. (I don't have AAA... I know... I know...) It would have cost over $60 just to come out! I figured for $60 I could continue to ask around and find jumper cables on my own! Further, since an ATM machine ate my debit card over the weekend and I don't yet have my replacement, I don't have any way to pay them! Oh good Lord!! So back out the the parking lot I go.

I continued to work on the connection to the battery. You see, the corosion had eaten away some of the metal and it just didn't stick on there very well. I finally get some guy to come over and help me. I ask him to try to start the car while I hold the connecter thingy to the battery. It works!! The car starts up and I'm filled with joy!

Back up, put it in drive and it dies. Rolling in the middle of the ER parking lot now. Grrrrrreat.

I can't leave it here... I know I need help. I push it, by myself, which is not an easy thing to do! The only way to steer is when the car is rolling so I have to push hard then steer a little... and so on. Here's where I'm going to point out something you may think is not nice, but it's true. When I was sick 3 years ago and weighed 120lbs... everyone stopped to help me if I even looked like I might be broke down. Not one person going by thought to give me a hand this time. Thanks folks... it's okay.

I park it off to the side and begin to really cry now. I could call for a jump... no card to pay it with.... I could get a rental car.... same thing. I could call Chris... Jacksonville. Really crying now. I'm cooking in the car here.... it's hotter than heck outside. I should point out that Amanda and Evie were going to come up to pick me up, but I was trying to handle this on my own and/or not have someone drive 45 min up Dale Mabry.

My boss calls and tells me he's coming up to help me. Yeahhhh!! He seems to know a little about cars! He and I both think it's the Alternator, but we try a temp fix. He flips over the cable connector and forces it onto the battery. (I tried that several times but couldn't do it myself) He then jump-starts the car. I can see the battery dummy dash thing getting better already. This is good! He follows me to work and it drove just fine.

I take Kayla to her meeting tonight. She wants to be on the dance team at Gaither High School next year. She's a GREAT dancer, so I'm really hoping she can get on the squad. We find out that she'll need a physical before this next Monday and total cost, should she make the squad, should run us about $1,000 - and that's without any trips. Oh lovely.

Get home just in time to run back out to Choir practice - which I'm late for - but better late than never! Had a great time there... I always do... I just love music! Get back to the house and sit down to watch some TV. In the game room, I hear a loud noise. I jump up to see what it is... and it's the two boys, Justin and Jonathan, fist fighting. Oh good Lord! They are really mad at each other. They've been teasing each other to the point of each of them getting furious with the other. I try to talk to them, but honestly... I am flat-out exhausted. Come to find out this is their 2nd fist fight today.

Just then Amanda calls and wants to know if she can come over and spend the night. I said sure, as long as you come talk to the boys. She did... she's here.... and the boys are calmed down.

I've decided for sure to take away the internet tomorrow. These kids just don't know how to monitor themselves on it. After the big fight when we were all talking, I told them if we could find a solution that would be fair to everyone and not cause fights, we could try it. Nobody could think of anything. So... off line they go tomorrow.

And so here I sit.... now 11:55 and I can hardly keep my eyes open. Praying my car will start tomorrow. Praying Doug is okay (I now haven't seen him in TWO days). Praying that Chris will get home safely. Praying that the kids will stop fighting. Praying that God will somehow find a few extra hours to let me sleep in tomorrow because I am so tired.

Wanted to tell you something about a phone call from Julie today, but I'll blog it tomorrow. For now... I'm off to bed. G'night everyone.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The Day From Hell

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