Tina's Daily Blog: Monday

Monday, April 03, 2006

Monday

I talked to the hospital Monday about Doug. He is having some tests done; an EEG to determine brain activity and he's scheduled for the MRI but we don't know when he'll have that done yet. I also talked to his case manager about his care after the hospital. She told me that, no matter what, he would be going to a skilled nursing facility for 20 days after this hospital stay. From there they will determine if he is 1) able to rehabilitate with the possibility of going either home with us or to an assisted living facility -- or 2) determine that he needs skilled nursing from a nursing home. Chris and I at lunch today were talking about how incredible it is that we are now faced with these decisions - that we never really thought about Doug losing his mind (for lack of a more fitting phrase) so quickly and needing this care so quickly.

I just realized I didn't tell you about our visit with Doug on Sunday. Doug was pretty angry. They now have him strapped down in the bed and he is NOT happy about it. Apparently they have two options: 1 - to keep him asleep on Ativan all the time or 2 - tie him down in the bed so he doesn't get up and try to leave all the time. We went to see him Sunday and there was another man in the bed I had seen him in the night before (which freaked me out totally!). Apparently Doug had caused such a ruckus on Saturday night that they had to move him to a private room at the end of the hall. When we arrived on Sunday he was awake but didn't know who we were (Evie, Amanda and I that is, he knew Chris). His phone was disconnected as he had been making calls all over the place and even to 911. He called 911 and asked them to get him the Lewisburg Fire Department because he wanted them to come down here and pick him up. After the 911 calls they disconnected his phone. This made him furious and so he threw the phone while we were there. He also told us that he had kicked over his food because they didn't bring him soft foods (needs it because of his falling partial plate) - and that he was refusing to take his meds unless they made a deal with him, he'd take his meds if they let him smoke. **sigh** They have him on the patch, but I think it's the physical act of smoking that he's missing. Anyways....

A good friend of mine just sent me this message that was within another message, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I needed to hear these words today:

Someday, from your mansion in heaven, you will look back on this day and smile, because you will realize that your light and momentary troubles were achieving
for you an eternal glory that far outweighs them all in comparison. (2
Corinthians 4:17-18)

Yes, I can't begin to tell you how much I (and Chris) needed something like that today. I might just print that, frame it, and hang it on our wall at home.

The kids have a visit with their mom tonight. Dottie (the kid's Guardian Ad Litem) is coming over so Julie can visit with them. Julie hasn't seen them in a month or so and she hasn't talked to them for about a week now, so she is really happy to come and see them. I hope and pray the visit goes well. Julie wants me to make dinner tonight, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I was going to cook something, but - it'll be so hectic while she's here I think Pizza might be easier and more appropriate under the circumstances. Then I'd also be able to ask Dottie if she'd like to eat as well. Gosh... I can't even begin to tell you how much I hope Julie behaves herself.

Well, I saved to post and it's now Tuesday. Julie did very well last night. David came up in conversation one time just before she left, and Kayla controlled her emotions very well. Kayla simply told mer mom that she really didn't like David because Julie gave him a lot of Ron's clothes. Julie said that she had to get rid of them... Kayla asked why she didn't give them to Uncle Chris then.... Julie said "because I didn't want to see them all the time".... Kayla said, "Uh mom, Uncle Chris lives 45 min away from our house, David lived with us! How does that make sense?". Too funny. Julie just told her she was right. Most of Julie's visit was spent with the kids doing their homework. All of them had tons of it yesterday for some reason. We don't usually sit with them when they are doing homework and talk to them unless it's about their homework. But since Julie hadn't seen them in so long, we did.

We have begun to clean out Doug's living area and bedroom. We have lots of ideas about what to put in that room should Doug not be able to come back. For now we decided to make the living room a 'game room' for the boys to play X-Box and Nintendo. They have their own AC should it get too hot, they can shut the door so it's not too loud, and they are not on the 2nd floor doing all that dancing on Dance Dance Revolution. It works for now!

It's hard to sit in the living room and enjoy the quiet peaceful house and not feel tremendously guilty. Doug usually had the television in his room blaring - which is why we bought him the window-shaker AC for his room (so he could shut his door if he needed the TV up loud) but he just never wanted to shut his door... and he never wanted to sit with us and watch TV. (He usually had to watch short 30 min shows due to short attention span after the stroke). So it was always rather loud in the house, even before he started the talking and demanding all of the time.

Chris is home today fixing up things in the house. We hope to totally finish up the upstairs bathroom today. YEAH! (Yes, Chris, by "We" hope to finish up I do mean "Chris" hopes to finish up.... LOL!) The funny thing that we have going on at home right now is FLIES... dozens or flies. Remember when the second upstairs bathroom flooded and the ceiling in the kitchen started sagging so we removed the wet drywall? It started to smell about a week later and we thought it was either mildew or something dead between the floors. Well, apparently something died. ICK ICK ICK! The smell is gone but we are left with flies the size of a small cat. (Maybe not that big I guess, but they are huge flies)

Justin had his dentist appointment yesterday. He has three cavities, which isn't all that bad when you consider this is his first ever visit! When he got home Kayte started to pick on him about it, but I quickly reminded her that HER visit (first ever) was next week so she might want to re-think her teasing. Ha ha ha... she stopped sure enough. **grin**

Chris and I didn't get to see Doug at all yesterday as we were so busy with the kids and Julie's visit. We are going to see him tonight. I hope he's calmed down some.

Please continue to lift up in prayer: Julie, Kayla, Justin, Kayte and Doug. They all need our thoughts and prayers. He will give you strength and courage for whatever you may yet have to go through. (Romans 8:31)

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, April 03, 2006

Monday

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In A Nutshell: