Tina's Daily Blog: It Might Just Be A Miracle

Monday, April 10, 2006

It Might Just Be A Miracle

Ya know... I was just here thinking that it has to be some kind of miracle that we have been able to do what we've done so far and that I haven't died of some kind of stress factor as of yet.

So... Julie - let's start today's blog there... Julie, as you know, is not allowed to see the kids without supervision. Well, I worked it out with mom and Julie is going to get to see them on Easter. We're going over to a friend's house for dinner and Mom has agreed to 'watch' Julie closely. So, when I talked to Julie about this, she was so happy. She told me that before I told her that, she was thinking that I just wanted to take her kids and I didn't care about her. "Now I know" she says "that you really love me". Gee, that's really nice to know, eh? I kept thinking - as long as Julie got what Julie wanted, she was happy and nice. Sigh....

Julie had a meeting this afternoon with her therapist, Vergeese. She really wants phone visits or emails, and Karen is adament that it not happen right now. Julie said that the whole thing is totally unfair... that she knows moms who beat their kids and still have them, and hers got taken away, and it's not fair. Vergeese also told me that Julie's new live-in boyfriend has absolutely no clue as to why Julie's kids got taken away. It's very sad really. Anyways, when talking to Vergeese he asked me if I was okay with Julie talking to the kids if I was there to listen all of the time. I told him that I do not want to be the policeman. How many times do I have to say this over and over again???? I told him very simply, it's my job to take care of these kids, it's Karen's job to make sure Julie is okay with them, and it's his job to fix Julie. Isn't that the way it's SUPPOSED to be?? Speaking of fixing... Julie apparently told mom today that she was totally fixed. God I'd love to believe that....

I was reading CNN about that lady who cut off her baby's arms and legs because the voices told her to do it. She got off due to mental insanity. I couldn't help but think of Julie... if - God forbid she ever did something to those kids, I have 100% no doubt in my mind she'd be found mentally unstable and wouldn't be charged. I was also watching Dr Phil who was interviewing a mom who felt that she was still a great mom even though she smoked crack. The woman argued that crack was a small part of her life and that - for the other parts - she was a good mom. Again, I couldn't help but think of Julie as that is exactly how Julie feels.

So, Kayla is trying out for Gaither High School's dance team. She has rehearsal every day this week and the week of the 24th from 5-7 pm. She can't go tomorrow night because she has this hearing from when she was shoplifting - they are going to put her in a program and give her community service in exchange for dropping the charges. I'm supposed to go to Choir rehearsal tonight and tomorrow night, but - obviously both of those nights are now out. The good news is that Wed night is our big show and I will be able to make that. Pray that nothing big comes up between now and then.

Chris is supposed to be in Jacksonville today, but hasn't been able to leave yet. He took Kayla for her physical this morning at 8am and ended up being there until after 10. He then went to get new tires for the Durango as the car is shaking very bad on long trips, and WalMart only had one tire technician on the clock, so it was going to be 4-5 hours. Looks like he'll be going tonight instead. Sigh.... I want him to hurry up and go so he can hurry up home!

I am not sure I told you this earlier, but when Chris and I went to see Doug the other night Chris got to talk to the nurse about his care. They have taken him off of all medicine he's been on in the past, including his sleeping pill. He's not sleeping at all anymore. When we talked to the nurse, she mentioned that sleeping pills were for short-term care, not long term. I got frustrated and explained to her that the DOCTORS put him on it because of his stroke, his brain wouldn't shut down at night any more. She said we'd need to change doctors entirely to get him back on his old meds. I was so upset that this nurse would think she knew better than his doctors! UGG. We also talked to her about Doug's physical therapy because Doug said he isn't getting any. She simply said she was sure he was, otherwise he wouldn't be there. She was the night nurse and so couldn't answer what his actual physical therapy plan of care was. She also couldn't 'sign in' Doug with Chris there because it was the weekend. Frustrating. So... I figured... I have a prescription for Doug at home for Restoril. Last night I brought him up a few (along with some McDonalds ice cream, boy he loved that!). I bet he finally slept - but today the nurses found the med and called us and I got in trouble for bringing it. I suppose I was supposed to feel chastized for bringing it, but I was just more upset and angry at this place. Now on top of everything else I have to do, I've got to go up there and pick up the pills. Fartknocker!

Chris just called - Doug needs clothes too, and he wants sweatpants (which we don't have at home). So now I have to go home after work, pick up Chris, bring him to Walmart to pick up and pay for the Durango, I've got to go into Walmart and buy him some clothes, then go to the facility to drop them off, pick up the pills, swing by and get Kayla who should be done with Dance tryout practice about then, go home and make dinner for all the kids. Oh wait, I almost forgot, Jonathan has a quartet gig tonight, so add that to the mix. I've just had a horribly busy day at work and I'm nearly in tears as I type all of this. Funny, as I'm typing that, the good sister Katie called saying "I had a feeling you weren't doing very well and I just wanted to call and touch base with you". Such a good sister.

The other thing we have going on for the kids is Extended Learning Program for Kayla and Justin. It's kind of like what summer school was (a chance to make up for failing grades) only now it's after school for a few weeks. This will be in April and May for both of them in Science. More stuff "to-do"... grrrrrreat.

It's now 10:45 and I've finished my day! YEAH! I even took the kids to Cold Stone just a bit ago. Now they are bouncing off the walls... **mental note - don't take kids to get ice cream after 9pm!** I'm exhausted and going to bed. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. And, feel free to comment - let me know that you are out there praying for us.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, April 10, 2006

It Might Just Be A Miracle

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