Tina's Daily Blog: Why Is It?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Why Is It?

Why is it that everything takes so long? I mean... I thought it was bad with the State in regards to the kids, but the hospital thing has me all tore up. The kids, Chris and I all went up to Doug's new facility - Fletcher Health and Rehab - where he's been sent for Rehab for the next month or so. He looked okay and didn't seem too angry or out of it. They couldn't find him a wheelchair to take him outside to smoke, which was the only thing he was a little upset about. The nurse promised to find him one today and for someone to take him outside to smoke. The place was not at all fancy by any means, but it seemed clean and quiet. I called this morning and asked the nurse how he was doing, she said he was sleeping (this was at 9:30 and very unusual for Doug to sleep mid morning) - I asked if they had him on Ativan, she said "we don't do that here". I expressed concern and explained that he needed it at the hospital because he kept trying to leave and throwing things, but she didn't seem concerned and said he was fine there.

So my plan was to call today and find out the following:

What meds do they have him on now?
What is his doctor's name and phone number?
What is his plan of care?
How often will he have therapy and what type?
What is his prognosis?
Did they get him a wheelchair?
Who do I talk to about getting him signed up for Medicaid?

So I find out that they can't do anything until Doug is signed in. Chris is on his way up to Jacksonville, which means it will be at least Monday until he is able to do that. Why they didn't mention anything when we were there last night I haven't a clue, but they should have. Then I ask if I can sign him in, but since I'm not POA I can't do anything. Then I find out that because he's not 'signed in' they have no authorization to 'talk' to anyone about his medical care, so they can't discuss anything with me. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement - I'm frustrated to the point of tears. Of course, I just talked to Chris who mentioned that this level of frustration is nothing when compared to the frustration of Doug being at home and screaming/ yelling/ demanding/ poking all the time. True true.

So the kids this morning... let me tell you about that!

Chris goes to get on the computer because he's going to Jacksonville and needs to print a map. Guess what? No paper. They used it all to print crap that they print out all day every day. Could they say 'we're getting low on paper' or 'we are out of paper'? No... of course not. Then come to find out we are out of color ink. Thanks for telling us that guys. Then come to find out the wireless mouse 'broke' and rather than telling anyone, they went and found a corded one and plugged it in and started using that. Well.... who paid all that money for the computer? Who is responsible for it's upkeep and maintenance? Who is responsible if it breaks to get another one? We are already at a high frustration level over the computers because they are on them all the time and because they keep saving tons of things on the computers and downloading crap onto them. Julie had viruses and worms all the time on her computers and I now know why. About 2 months ago I deleted over 1,000 pictures from the laptop they had saved. Just pictures and just on one of the computers! Chris yelled at them this morning telling them that they were inconsiderate, which is exactly correct when referring to this. **sigh**

Julie and I had a huge fight yesterday. She just kept calling asking if she could see, talk to or email the kids. I just keep telling her over and over again that I don't want to police the situation... that as long as someone else was there to watch over her and make sure she didn't do anything wrong, it was fine. Then Julie tried telling me that she was a good mother and that it hurt her feelings that I implied that she was not a good mother. I kinda lost it there. Let me tell you all.... I have heard horror stories from these kids - they have had no mother for at least a year. I told Julie that she "consistantly put herself and her wants and needs over the wants, needs, education, phycial and emotional needs of her kids". I told her I didn't want to get into specifics andthat she knew what I was referring to. Part of me hoped that she'd ask for examples because I had them ready to go. But I haven't heard from her after that. How can you read these kids files, and read about how they'd take turns in her room watching her to make sure she didn't kill herself.... how her house was full of horrible people, gang members... one girl they had living there had such rough sex in every room of the house that she broke - BROKE - two of the kids beds - and how much they hated it that Julie let her have sex everywhere, even in their beds they had to sleep in.... the tattoos on young kids.... Julie sleeping all day and all night because she was so drugged up... all of them smoking pot - from the 12-year-old on up.... hanging out with whomever they wanted to and Julie having no idea where they were or who they were with.... Julie having no food in the house and stopping by McDonalds to get herself something and nothing for the kids, so they'd go to friends houses to eat.... this is a 'good mother'???? Yeah, I was pretty fired up. The problem is that, in Julie's eyes, as long as in her heart she 'loves them', it matters not what she says or does.

Kayla had her therapy appointment today and I need to ask about getting the other two in to see her as well. I keep putting it off because I have so much to do - so many appts with the kids - but I need to make it happen. The therapist said Kayla did really well. Then tonight Justin and Kayla both told me that they were really worried about Kayte. She obsesses over the computer, when it's not 'her turn' she waits until it is her turn, doing nothing in between but wait. And then there's the anger. Justin and Kayla both feel that Kayte is very angry over her daddy's death. She and I talked about it some tonight. I told her that her brother and sister were worried about her. I explained to her what 'misplaced anger' was. Again, I need to get her in to therapy before I lose her in the emotional anger she has building up inside of her.

I feel bad because I didn't get to see Doug tonight. We just now finished dinner, cleaning and getting the kids into bed - and it's nearly 10:30pm. Chris is in Jacksonville working and so I'm here alone trying to do everything. I have an appt for Kayla tomorrow at 6 and choir at 6:45, so I already know I can't make both. Dinner sometime in there... homework check... preparing them for tomorrow while telling them how great they did today (adding stuff to the 'wow wall')... just not enough time in the day. Poor Doug... I imagine he's going to be upset with me when I don't make it over there for a day or two. But - God - what can I do???

Pray for all of us. Your prayers lift us up so high I can feel it's power. Pray for Doug, Julie and the kids.

Love you all.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Why Is It?

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