Tina's Daily Blog: Requiem Night

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Requiem Night

Last night the choir performed the Requiem and it was great. We had members from another church join the choir for the performance, a great orchestra... just a great performance. I ran into a member of Toast of Tampa from the other choir - oh how I miss TOT. Every week getting to sing and dance with 130 members.... sigh.... Anyways - I was talking to her about my life right now (she asked why I wasn't still in TOT) and I began to tell tiny bits of what's going on, but kept the overall message that God was in charge; that He had a plan and I was just following it. I told her how awesome VanDyke was and how much it helped the family and I. She commented on how great it was to hear me "talking like this". I paused and reflected on my life a year ago... two years ago... and thought how right she is - that I am filled with a faith and hope that I simply didn't have back then. Even back then when things were great, I lived day by day just -- simply.... content. I didn't really have hope or faith in anything, nor did I really think about any 'big picture' - I just lived day by day.

So I left work a little early to check on Jonathan who was home all day yesterday sick. He was fine by the time I got home. I jumped in the shower, got dressed up, headed out the door by 5pm to get over to the Church. The kids were arguing when I left... as it's always chaotic about that time as there's homework to be done and then everyone tries to find something to do: X-Box, Nintendo, Computers, Television, etc. They have plenty to do... but they always clash as it seems all four tend to want the same thing at the same time. **sigh** I grab some cigarettes to bring to Doug after the performance as I know he's probably out and probably upset that I didn't get to see him yesterday. During rehearsal my phone rings and I quickly decide to put it on silent as I'm sure the kids will be fine. We have the great performance and I went to grab some food the Church was giving to me. They asked if some prepared foods would make life a little easier at home (heck YES! One les thing to worry about - God is good!) so I put them in my car. I have a voice mail... it's Jonathan... picture this:

Background is full of loud music and kids yelling. Television blaring, music pumping, kids yelling. Got the image in your head? Good. Now there's Jonathan trying to talk over the loud music and chaos in the background - he's telling me
Justin has the music and TV up so loud he's afraid he's going to blow our speakers... and Jonathan just can't make him stop. I hear Justin being goofy in the background, I'm sure he's just pushing Jonathan's buttons... but Jono is right - it's too loud. So... kids yelling.... music pumping... television blaring.... and Jonathan finishes with "Oh, and by the way, is Kayla allowed to have one of her friends over here when there are no adults home?" Now, Jono knows the answer to that - and I'm quickly trying to remember who Kayla is dating this week.... Jono didn't say if it was a girl-friend or a boy-friend. Who was at my house????? Was Kayla getting into trouble??? See - this is the problem with raising kids that aren't yours - they don't know all the rules of the house. You try to explain them all, but others that you assume are common sense are not really common sense when you consider the life
they led before they moved in with us. **sigh** So okay, music blasting, tv blaring, kids yelling, and Jono telling me "is Kayla allowed to have a 'friend' over".... then click, he hangs up. Pure panic are the two words that best describe how I'm feeling at the moment. It's a long drive home. (really only a few minutes, but felt like a long drive)

I arrive at home to find the 'friend' is a girl who is doing Kayla's hair - no biggie. But I did explain the rule to her that nobody comes over when there is no adult in the house, unless I give special permission. I drop the food off at home, then run back out to see Doug.

Doug is sleeping by the time I get there. I bring him some cigarettes and some slim-fast (not for diet but for a supplement as he can't eat too much because of his teeth) and McDonalds ice cream, which he loves. I wake him up and his first question is "do you have any shirts for me". I say "Doug, I just bought you 6 shirts, 2 shorts and a pair of sweat pants". Well... he hated all of them and so he threw them away. Now... I'm furious. Threw them away??Why?? He says he didn't like them, and besides - he says - you can get shirts two for a dollar. All those new clothes, all that money, flushed away. I tell him that - no - I'm not bringing him anything and that next time he wants to throw something away he needs to ask someone first. I'm so upset. I know he didn't understand what he was doing, but I just keep remembering the other day when he demanded we go immediately and buy him these clothes - it was such a bad day as Chris took Kayla to the doctors in the morning, followed by an all-day car repair job for tires, a rush to WalMart to pick up these clothes because he needed them right away, running them over to Doug quickly then trying to get to church for rehearsal. And he threw them away. **sigh**

I've been talking to Julie a little bit the past couple of days. She's really upset as she doesn't know why they took her kids away -she's "a good mom"... she keeps saying. She "knows moms that have beat their kids, and they still have them"... she keeps saying. Kayla and I talked about it some yesterday. Kayla was not looking forward to Easter Sunday with her mom... she kept remembering Christmas morning... how bad Julie was. I don't think I blogged back then. Julie spent most of the day sleeping and only got up when we made her do so. Then- in the afternoon - when she finally decided to get up and stay up because everyone kept telling her to get up and spend some time with the family, she got so angry that she MADE the kids sit next to her for hours - not playing with their toys, not having fun on Christmas day, instead, sitting so close they were touching parts of her - for, as Julie thought, if they wanted her up so bad to spend time with her they should be RIGHT THERE with her. As miserable as she was. It was horrible. So this is the next holiday and Kayla isn't looking forward to it. I don't blame her, but I promised her that we would not let that happen again. Mom is going to keep an eye on Julie and make sure she behaves herself. Pray that this Easter we can focus on what it's REALLY about - about Jesus dying and rising for us... for our sins... for our salvation. It's not our day... it's not about the easter egg hunt... it's not about Julie being able to see the kids finally... it is about our Lord.

Speaking of God, did I tell you lately how much I Love my job? I asked my boss about working tomorrow... I never remember having off on Good Friday. He said "That’s Jesus’ day! We’re off and the office is closed." Gotta love it. I was going to take the kids to see the Passion at Church Friday night, but since I'm off Friday and I have the DVD at home, I might have them watch it with me at home during the day. We'll see how it goes.

I just got an email from Gwen asking about the kids. I was so happy to tell her how great they are doing. I told her how much better I thought Kayla was doing. Better grades, and thinking of the big picture much more often. I really am so proud of these kids... they have come such a long way since November....

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Requiem Night

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