Tina's Daily Blog: I Don't Know What The Future Holds

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I Don't Know What The Future Holds

Today at church was just amazing.

Weighing extremely heavily on my heart is Christmas... what to do about the financial responsibility that inevitably surrounds Christmas. Today's message was "Preparing for a Miracle". Boy.... I could use one of those in the next month or two for sure.

Were it just for my kid... just Jonathan at home... and we were this strapped (mind you it might not be that way were it not for the additional kids in our lives right now, but - it is what it is)... what we would most likely do is borrow Peter to pay Paul for a month then take months to 'catch up'. But there's oh so much more to it now... there are three needy teenagers in addition to my own. And I don't mean needy in a bad way - I mean needy in that they are in need of an overabundance of love and support which they tend to soak right up, in addition to regular teenage things and resources.

When I've prayed about what to do for the kids and for the family whom we usually buy presents for on Christmas... I feel an overwhelming sense of someone telling me 'don't worry about it'. Course, it ain't that easy! When I think about the kids, I have a feeling that they will be okay. I'm going to post a 'most needed' list shortly which will list the things that we would really like most - maybe some of my blog readers will feel compelled to get them something. When I think about the family, I'm torn.... I know that they all know that they all totally understand that there are BIG things going on here and that they are all "the right things for the right reasons". For this reason, I think family members will understand when we are unable to get them anything for Christmas - but still, man... if I could just do something or buy something to SHOW them how much their love and support to me and my family means to me over the years - and in particular THIS past year. **sigh**

So this message today... how to prepare for a miracle...

You first have to recognize the need. Done! No problem on that one - needs identified!

Second is to do what is possible.... and leave the impossible to God. This is where it gets a little tricky. How do I know that I have really done everything possible? Could I do more? In my heart of hearts I feel that I should not run out and get a part-time job at night to help cover the expenses that come with this time of year. I've played it all out in my head... and it's just not feasible. But is it required to cover that "everything possible" portion of this preparing for a miracle? I'm still not certain.

Then you make sure that you give the glory to God for the miracle and make IT all about God. That part has been pretty easy for me. God IS my rock, my savior, my guide and my salvation. I tell everyone who will listen about the great things He has done for me. For me. That still blows my mind... given that I am so incredibly unworthy. **sigh**

The biggest thing that Pastor Matthew said today was:
"I don't know what the future holds,
but I do know who holds my future"
It simply doesn't get any more real than that folks. Can I get an "Amen!"

The most ironic part of the service today was that - Pastor Matthew asked for a special offering financial gift. It's a long story, but - our church is expanding and opening other churches in the area. We are going to be a multi-location church with the main hub being our Church on Lakeshore. He went on to explain that in the 14 years he'd been a pastor there at Van Dyke he'd only asked for money 'above and beyond' two times... once for building the youth ministry at church and now this. He asked us to pray about it and put in an "IOU" that we would bring next week. Chris and I prayed about it and a number came into my head. $75.00 Now... you need to know that $75 to us right now is HUGE. Here I am - having panic attacks over being able to pay bills and worried about Christmas - and God puts it in my heart to promise to give $75 next week? With an overwhelming sense of "God MUST know what he's doing", I wrote it on a piece of paper and threw it in the box. Sure hope God isn't up there going... "No, Tina! I meant seventy five CENTS!" Yeah, that God... has a sense of humor sometimes doesn't he?

I went tonight to pick the high-schoolers from their Sunday night session. I was sitting in the dark parking lot, convertible top down, staring up at the sky - praying. Praying for answers to all of this. Christmas. Finances. Praying for a miracle. And frankly, feeling beaten and afraid. A woman whom I had met once or twice prior came up to my car. She's a nice lady with a great son who is just joining VanDyke. (I might add here that I referred them!!) She told me that - she hoped I wasn't offended, but she had read my blog. Immediately my heart sank... was she going to tell me that I shouldn't put that kind of personal information out there on the big world-wide web? Was she going to tell me that my bolds, italics or poor grammer distract her? No. She told me that she thought I was "the most amazing woman she'd ever known". Yes, of course - you know me - I started sobbing right there (quietly to myself so she didn't know). But - wow - for her just to say that right there -- right then. After she left, I looked up at the sky and thought... "Did you just send me an angel? Was that the answer to my prayer? It doesn't matter about Christmas because... the life changing things that are occurring in the day-to-day happenings are one hundred times more important than the one day on Christmas 2006? And - inside my heart I felt the answer... God send her to me not to answer any question, but rather, to keep me strong. Keep my faith. Keep doing what I'm doing, and don't question Him. Trust Him. Do the possible - leave the impossible to God.

I was going to give you a 'top' list of things we could really use this Christmas later, but -- it's in my heart to put it down now. God has been IN my heart a lot tonight, so I think that I'm going to listen to this inkling and put it down.

1) The kids need clothes. They are outgrowing what they have and are trying to wear them anyways. But, boy - their sizes? Girls are probably a 4... boys are both 14's. The best place for the girls to get clothes is a place called Plato's Closet. It's a consignment shop for teens and they can get a pair of pants that might usually cost $30 for around $5. Shirts can range from a buck to $10, and the reason the kids love this place... all designer logos and in good condition. A parent's dream!
2) The kids could always use gift certificates to anywhere. Old Navy. Rave. Sears. JC Penny. Doesn't matter... when they get to go out and pick something out, they love it. And as I've said, the kids need clothes really bad.
3) Gift certificates for food. I've told you time and time again... they eat like nothing I've ever seen before. And maybe - if nothing else - a gift certificate will free up some extra cash we weren't expecting to have and we would be able to provide something extra for them.

I had a #4 in there that had something for Chris and I -- but -- ya know what? If the kids are taken care of, I think we will be okay too!

It felt good to just say that... "it'll be okay". **closes her eyes and thinks about staring up into the beautiful sky earlier tonight** Yes it is true and worth repeating... "I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future."

3 comments:

virgochhas said...: hi! Tina...i dont know whether its Him who send you to my blog but was boy,was i surprised to read a blog about faith and God etc at a time in my life when I am seeking God for the first time,wanting to be a born again Christian rather then being a girl born in a Christian family and calling myself a Christian for namesake....

i wish i can help with the kids clothes...y'know what am gonna do?..you an your family are on my prayer list from tonite...

i know i wont be able to do anything for this Christmas and i can't promise anything for next year but what i am promising is to try and help with the kids clothing sometime by next year...

until then..."I don't know what the future holds,
but I do know who holds my future"

God bless...; 3:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Good Morning Tina!
Wanted to greet you this morning with an inspirational thought ... "You are never alone. You cannot see God, but you can see His artistry in the starry midnight sky. You cannot feel God, but you can sense His touch in the wind upon your face. When you cannot feel Him with your feelings, feel Him with your FAITH."

"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

I meant what I said ... you ARE truly an amazing, giving person!
An ordinary woman with an extraordinary heart!; 7:59 AM
Mom said...: Just read your blog and want to say a few things. First off, you have to know you are doing the best you can w/what you have. You have already given the kids more than money can buy and it's love and stability. Your cares and needs will stabilize and all will fall into place. I can remember when you were very little and we were living in Massachusetts when we didn't have much at all, but we had fun none the less. There were no Dollar stores, but cheap mail order stuff that we would get for you and your sisters. You turned out fine, and they will too. You also will be a better person because of these trials and tribulations.
I was truly touched by the note from the person in India. WOW - that's the poorest country in the world, yet they are praying for you. That is just fantastic.
So hang in there Tina and know that you are doing all you can to provide the love and security you can for everyone.
Love ya,
Mom; 1:21 PM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Sunday, October 22, 2006

I Don't Know What The Future Holds

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