Staffing Meeting Tomorrow

Well - I had my audition last night - and BOMBED. But I kept thinking about why I did it.... and the same thing kept coming to mind... experience from just doing it. The first time I auditioned for the praise team I was sacred out of my wits! This time I was scared, but not pass-out scared. I just felt bad because, vocally it was just not good; scared, unsupported sound. But - I did it! At first I felt horrible because I truly felt like I wasted their time - but the more I thought about the experience of just trying something like that, the better of a person I know it helps me to become overall. So... kudos to Jason and Ann for hanging out so late.

Speaking of late - I auditioned really late. I got a phone call about 4:15 from Chris - he tells me that the school just called him and Jonathan fell at PE and hurt his arm; they think he may have broken it. Chris went to pick him up and I tried to arrange auditions for Chris and I on the fly with Jason. Chris remembered clearly the last time Jonathan broke his arm - I was in Phoenix and Jonathan hurt his arm. Chris assumed it was just bruised because he could move it (although it hurt) and it didn't swell all that much. He told him to sleep on it and see how he did. Well, it hurt more and more - they go to the doctor - and sure enough, broken. So we didn't know for sure last night so I took him by Uncle Tony's work (X-Ray at St Joes hosp) right after work. While I ran him to the hospital, Chris went for his audition. Good news no broken bones! (I just received word from Chris that they are going to suspend the boy who pushed him in PE as he did it intentionally!)

Speaking of all of this running around... let me explain my night as I think sometimes it's hard to understand just how much we go - go - go all the time. I get home from the hospital about 7 pm and pick up Chris and Justin. Go to church, audition (bomb), and take the boys over to baseball practice. Run to the store to buy milk and I get home about 8 pm. I immediately make the girls and Jonathan some Macaroni & Cheese - pick up the house - eat a few bites - then run to pick up the boys from baseball practice at 9 pm. They are running late so we don't head back home till 9:30 pm. Justin and Chris have still not eaten (and Justin has to go right to bed when he gets home) so we break the house rule and stop for fast food for them. We get home by 9:45 pm, they eat, and we get the kids into bedtime-mode.

And my riser buds at Toast of Tampa wonder how come I can't run out and get a costume?? Sheeeeesssshhhhh

Natalia just called -- the big meeting is tomorrow -- the staffing. I'm nervous as heck. I printed out pages from my blog that referenced Julie's visits at my house. That way I can give them my 'documentation' now and if they need more in the future, I can simply start from today and print, not have to search the whole blog again. (Yeah... that was time consuming!)

I honestly don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow or how I feel about the whole thing. I think I'll just put my feelings out there and let them decide what to do. So... what are my feelings? Glad you asked.....

Julie has improved greatly (understatement) from the time her kids were first taken. Without question she is a better person (and mother) now than she was last year at this time. However allowing unsupervised visits should not be (in my opinion) a reward. It should be safe. Safe for the kids. The next question I know you are asking is - do I feel the kids are safe with Julie?

I'm not sure how to answer that. Do I think Julie could take them up to McDonalds for hamburgers when she comes over and them be 'safe' - yes. Do I think Julie could take them home or be with them for longer periods of time and them be safe... I don't think so.

I left the blog for a while and typed up a letter to bring with me tomorrow. Here's what I'm bringing them:

I wanted to express my opinions regarding Julie’s case plan, unsupervised visits and eventual reunification with her three children, Kayla, Justin and Kayte. I have had the children in my home full-time since the first of January 2006. Initially Julie has had setbacks, but she has been doing very well mentally for several months now. I have never been more proud of my little sister than I am in this regard. She is not on drugs, no longer ‘huffing’, she is working and taking good care of herself. But I am writing this letter to simply express some concerns that I would like addressed while we are in the process of allowing unsupervised visits and eventual reunification. I’m hoping that by identifying concerns while in the process we can work on them and that, in the long run, it will help Julie.

To this day Julie still lacks a basic understanding right and wrong. I know she is having the comprehensive mental exam done and perhaps that will better define why Julie is this way. This lack of understanding right and wrong usually leads to poor decision making. I can give you two recent examples of this. The last visit at my house she thought it would be okay to give her kids wine-coolers because they ‘taste like kool-aid’ and because they ‘don’t have very much alcohol’. When Julie and I discussed this she was extremely defensive (this is an understatement). Another example of rule breaking is what she is planning on doing to her car. She called me and said she was going to get Limo tinting on her windows and asked what I thought. Originally I told her that I didn’t care what she did with her car, until she explained to me that it was illegal. I then tried to understand why she would purposely do something that is not legal. She said “The worst thing the police can do is keep giving me tickets. It’s no big deal.” In addition, ask Julie about the permanent disabled parking permit she uses in her car; her former gang member roommate Ryan stole it and gave it to her. She still uses it to this day (and might be parked out front in disabled parking using it). These are very simple and basic things that Julie doesn’t understand as being wrong.

Because of this basic lack of understanding right and wrong, Julie will often times use examples of things done in the past to justify what she is doing or what she wants to do. Examples: “Karen said that she gave her teenager an alcoholic drink once so it’s okay for me to do it.” “Chaka told me that if they took all the kids away from parents who smoke pot, there would be no kids left with their parents, so it’s okay for me to smoke pot.” “Bikers put tattoos on 2 year old kids, so it’s okay for me to put one on my 13 year old.” “Even though limo tinting is illegal, I can still get it done and the worst thing the police can do is give me tickets.”

Julie also continues to lack a basic understanding of why her children were removed in the first place. Recently she told someone that the only reason the kids were taken was because of Dr. Vergeese. She was quickly reminded about the night she hit Kayla, the police were called, she was bakers acted by police and her two sisters came up to take the kids. When Julie called me to tell me she had finished her parenting classes, I asked her what she had learned. She said something about not leaving a baby on the sofa. I asked if they talked about using drugs with your kids and putting tattoos on 13 year olds… she said “it never came up”. Julie firmly believes that – no matter what she’s done or what she does – as long as she loves her kids with all her heart, she is a good mom. I believe that she still truly doesn’t understand that things she did and decisions she made were wrong.

It also somewhat concerns me that Julie is now drinking. Without question I know that Julie has never really had a problem with alcohol. But, I think that – given Julie’s addiction problems – she needs to be very careful about doing anything that can lead to an addiction. When she first told me she had a new favorite drink, I asked her about the AA classes she was attending. I found out she no longer attends. She told me that she can drink 6 at a time and not feel a buzz… which made me wonder… is she trying to get a buzz?

The last issue I would like to make sure is addressed is Julie’s sex addict problem. Perhaps her new psychologist is going to help her with this, but I didn’t want to leave this concern out of this letter. This problem was one of the kids ‘top three’ things they would like to see changed about their mom and/or home. After her husband died Julie would have men come in and out of the house because she ‘had needs’. Additionally she has had multiple men move in the house because of her need for affection. They typically have no job and no income – and typically they only stay for a month or two. Most recently it was a 23-year old man who moved in. Julie promised that this guy “would be the last one she had move in”, and she also said this one was different and would be there for a long time. He moved in the beginning of September and was out by the first of October. Julie is a grown 37 year-old woman. I know she hates it when people talk to her about this subject. Frankly, I could care less what Julie does in her personal life. My concern is THE KIDS. It affects them greatly, and I do hope there is a plan in place to deal with this when the kids do go back home. Actually, having said that, I hope there is a plan to deal with this before that. When this last guy moved in the kids were very worried about their mom. She’d talk to them about him, send photos, went on vacation with him… and the whole time the kids were worried about their mom – hoping this guy was going to be okay for their mom. So… even though they are not living at home right now, it does still affect them. For this reason, I do hope it’s addressed sooner rather than later.

I still firmly believe that whatever happens, Julie needs to have strict rules to follow. I feel this is Julie's best way to succeed. Julie will always break or bend rules to fit what “Julie” wants. When Julie was allowed to call the house anytime she wanted, she’d call 6 to 10 times a day. We made it a rule that she could only call once a day and she is now better about it. However, if given no boundaries, she exhibits no control, and it would be my recommendation that she have clear rules to follow whatever decision is made.

I truly hope that it is understood that the intent of this letter to simply express my concerns. I do not intend to condemn my sister… I think she has done an incredible job thus far. She is headed down the right path for the first time in a very long time. I only hope that Julie continues to get better and better and can some day soon care for her own children.

Dear Lord, please be with me as I attend this difficult meeting tomorrow. Please allow everything that I say and do to be with love in my heart and with the best interest of the children in mind. Lord I know that without your guidance we would be lost. I thank you for your many blessings and for being with me through this entire ordeal. Thank you for carrying my heavy burdens as you know I could not possibly do all of this on my own. Let Your will be done. Amen.