I Hate Manic Episodes

Sorry I've not been able to blog much this week. It's been pretty darn insane around here. These kids are so ding-dang active and it's hard to keep up with everything all the time.

I suppose my mood at the moment is just a wee bit down, but I can't really put my finger on 'why'.

I'm up to my eyebrows right now stressed. At home here we've been slam-jammed busy every single day and night... from baseball to a picking up a kid sick at school. Add to that the garage door broke again. (Chris already tried to fix it once) I don't know if any of you have priced fixing garage doors... but it's a lot. Calling someone in for repairs would be costly so Chris is going to do it. But the door is not at all a simple aluminum door.... it's 500 pounds of steel, track and machine; it's heavy and complicated. Chris is going to Jacksonville to work next week (has to work where he can) and so I'll be without him for 6 days next week... leaving every single thing the kids need up to me alone to get done. Stress........

Tonight for example... Chris is right now working - giving pricing for a side-job from a church member. Right after that Chris is going to South Tampa to help his mom move something heavy. Jonathan is going to babysit for a friend at about 6:30. Kayla is going to the Movies with her boyfriend at 7. Kayte is going to the mall with a friend sometime. Justin needs to be at baseball practice by 6. Chris should be home - I dunno... sometime after 9 I'm sure. Kayla about 10. Justin about 8:30. Kayte around 10:30 or so. And.... I've got to plan dinner around this schedule or else (and - no lie - this HAS happened) everyone looks at me at 10pm and says "what's for dinner?" UGG

Then Julie called this afternoon nearly in tears... she wants to see the kids - when am I going to be able to bring them? Darn good question... I really don't know. She truly doesn't understand how busy it is for me... and yet I have this guilty feeling in my gut for not doing 'something' more to be able to get the kids down there to see her. Julie said "if you just ask them if they want to go see their mom, they'll give up whatever it is they are doing to come and see me". And as much as that might be true, I don't feel like getting consensus from all the kids on who gives up what on what day. Plus... the kids say things to Julie that they really don't mean, for example, Justin said he'd miss a game... but I know for a fact he doesn't really want to.

Mom said she'd bring the kids to see Julie on Easter Sunday. Ah geez... Easter, I've got to cook! UGG. Anyways... mom said she'd bring them down there then because it's a holiday. I guess that would be fine, although the judge said I was supposed to be 'within eye or ear distance at ALL times'. He made it very clear. But.... right now... I really don't care. Julie needs to see them and I don't have the time or energy to get them all down there. If mom wants to do it, I'll let her do it, no problem.

The other thing was that Julie wanted Katie and my "permission" to go home. She's been in the mental hospital for "a long time" and she asked me........ "isn't this long enough??" I tried to explain to her what the lady talked to us about when we went for the meeting (when they wanted to send her home because her insurance ran out). I tried to explain that I was told that - what the work on at the hospital was making sure she didn't kill herself. What they work on in long-term-care was supposed to be changing her attitude... the way she deals with things... that sort of thing. You know; Julie's taking prescriptions however she wants to... eating whatever she wants to because 'everyone else can so why can't I?'.... her need for men companionship all the time. Again... this is what I was told they could help her with. Julie says she goes to group all the time there at the hospital. I've been told that Julie rarely goes to group meetings.

And finally, I told Julie that... it's not up to me. She said 'you wrote the letter and that was the reason they kept me'. I told her that I would ALWAYS have an opinion... right or wrong... I'm always going to at least have an opinion. Do I think Julie is ready to go home and begin taking medications correctly, taking care of herself physically and mentally? No. I think she is tired of being there and I totally understand that. However, that being said... I don't think she's going to go home and try to kill herself either.

Oh, and the funniest thing......... Julie, while being in the mental ward of the hospital, has found two new 'roommates' for her house. Two women who are bi-polar. Now... I think it's GREAT that Julie rent out rooms in her house. ESPECIALLY if it's women and not men. It gives her a little income (assuming she'd actually collect the money this time and not let them walk all over her as she has done every single other time in the past). It means she doesn't have to be all alone in the big house (again - not men, so I think it'd be good for her). But I don't know how the dynamics of the house would be with three bi-polar women under one roof. I told her she should think about that. Course she thinks it's going to be fine.... they are 'just as normal' as she is. I'm going to keep my mouth shut on that one! Julie thinks it would be a great support system for each of them, which could certainly be true. But I also think that, if one were to go downhill, the others may follow.

Okay, just got back from taking Justin to baseball practice. Julie called.......... again.

I hate it when she's manic. HATE IT. It sounds nice enough.... manic = good mood. But it's not that simple. It's not a 'fake' good mood... it's truly legit.... but ---- it's not 'real'.

Sigh.....

Unless you know someone that is bi-polar it's hard to explain. She is SO "up" right now.

Today she says that she is going to go home and begin to cook and eat right. She's going to exercise. Course just the other day she couldn't understand why she couldn't eat a big mac like everyone else and said that she would NOT stop eating like that. Nor would she stop drinking all that coke (10+ a day) because she 'has' to have it. And.... then she said it again and it made my heart break... "I'm getting my kids back". She said that one of the nurses there was going to sign a letter saying that she was mentally better. She then went on to say that the "court paper said that, in order to get my kids back, I have to manage my blood sugar." Well.... it's does NOT say that.... it says nothing about sugar. I didn't say anything to her... I wanted to throw the phone... that's what I wanted to do. Instead I just said that I needed to go. Sigh.........

I hate it when she's manic.

Good news......... let's think about something positive here............ Did I tell you that while I was visiting Amanda in Orlando I fit into her jeans? Yepper! Size 12 which is 10 whole SIZES smaller than last year at this time. Ten. Yes-sir-ee-buddy. Granted I left out the word 'squeezed' into the jeans, but they were on and if I do say so myself, looked pretty darn good. Lots more to go.... but it's a nice start for darn sure.

FRUSTRATING.... Kayla just told me that I need to drive her to her boyfriends house so that they can all go to the movies tonight (his mom is driving). The boyfriend is HERE at my house. I just sat down after taking Justin to baseball practice, which the field is right by Gaither High School. Now I need to drive them to his house -- which is guess where? Right by Gaither High School. Then turn around and go home. Rest for 30 minutes - and go BACK to pick up Justin from baseball practice 30 minutes or so later. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

I've got to run.... too much to do and I've got to get under control here. Maybe if I get everything settled and accomplished by 11pm tonight, I can sit in the hot tub and drink a nice LARGE glass of wine. Yeah.............. that would be nice. Four hours to go.............

One more thing before I go. I have a very good friend who is an avid blog reader of mine who has experienced a horrendous family tragedy involving her father. Her name is Debi and if you could please lift her up in prayer - even though you don't know why, trust me when I tell you that she needs it. I'm positive that God knows why. Please pray for Debi and her entire family as they struggle to deal with this tragedy. And, Debi, my 'lasagna lady', if you are reading this -- love ya!

Before you speak, listen.
Before you write, think.
Before you spend, earn.
Before you invest, investigate.
Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
Before you retire, save.
Before you die, give.

That Damn Myspace!

Lordy Lordy... where do I start today???

Friday at lunch I found out that Kayla has again created a 'myspace' account for herself. This time it wasn't as horrid as it was before... she wasn't using it to 'pick up guys' she was using it to keep in touch with friends and her new boyfriend. However, the rule was that she was NOT allowed on the internet at ALL. She knew it. She hid it. Then she lied.

I called her on Friday afternoon and asked her what her password was, and she said the account wasn't hers, it was a friend of hers account. She lied, and I knew it. I told her that I had read the profile and it said her name, that she goes by k-weezy and all about her. I was FURIOUS that she was lying to me!! She finally fessed up and gave me the password.

Come to find out... all the kids knew Kayla was lying and cheating by getting on myspace. Jonathan even recorded a video with his digital recorder of Kayla. Get this...

Kayla is sitting at the computer on her myspace....
Jonathan goes into the kitchen (there is a 'back door' to the office that comes out the kitchen). Jonathan sits and waits for what he knows is going to happen.
It's almost time for me to come home from work. Almost....
Justin opened the front door, slammed it and in his best "Tina" impression said "Hellooooo".
Sure enough, the camera catches Kayla darting out the back door, practically having a cow that she almost got caught.
I can't believe they all knew it and let her get away with it.

For now... Chris and I have decided to 100% take the computers away from all kids. No internet for any of them. No online games. No chatting. No myspace. Kayte - by far - will be the hardest hurt as she is on myspace all the time. But they have to learn. At first I felt bad that they were all going to be punished so that I could make sure Kayla doesn't go online. But once I got home and realized that everyone knew... I don't feel so bad anymore.

I sat them down Friday night to talk to all of them and told them.... "when I say "no computer" I absolutely mean NO computer. When I say "no TV", I mean NO TV. When I say "no phone" I absolutely mean NO phone." That I'm not just making rules for the fun of it. And I will not tolerate disobedience. I just won't tolerate it one bit. I've experienced one rule-breaking teenager... but try FOUR of them at one time. Give me gray hair, I'm telling ya. Funny, I just read a bible verse about that: Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life. Proverbs 16:31. Wow... I must have lived an extremely righteous life thus far! For that matter, Mom is the most righteous person I know. LOL Love you mom!

But ya know, what IS it with this Myspace right now?? Kids are HOOKED to it, and I simply don't get it. I mean, sure... I have one. But I don't LIVE for it. If you are not in someone's "top" list.... GASP! You must not really like them! Photos of these kids (mostly their friends) are HIGHLY provocative. They send stupid messages like "If you don't repost this, you are going to die within 2 hours". And..... sometimes I think they BELIEVE some of it! Even Kayte, who's myspace conversations mostly consist of "I'm bored, what are you doing?" and LIPGLOSS - how much she loves lipgloss. But it's got a grip on our kids - I'm telling ya. I'm not going to miss these kids being off myspace one single bit. I know what some of you are thinking... thinking of all the sting operations and such and how dangerous it is. I get that side of it too, which is why I monitor it all the time. But -- sheesh!

I want to get this off my chest in my blog, but I hate blogging about money (or lack thereof). I don't want anyone to think we are 'poor' or judge us by our priorities and where we choose to spend our money. But I'm stressed about it and want to get it off my chest. Sigh....

I had a little bit of money tucked away for our vacation we hope to go on in July. Not much... not the whole amount we'll need, but a good $600 I had saved already. This past week I.......... I just can't believe how much money we've spent. You ever have one of those weeks? Sure... a pipe broke upstairs and we had a plumbing emergency. Sure... we bought some flowers for the front yard (which we usually don't do). So I expected to use a little of it. But I was not expecting the food cost for a week of four teens on spring break. In ONE week, our food SPENT was $454.00. Not the 'one time a week big shopping' expenses... but rather the 'run to the store and get dinner for tonight, or milk and bread, or snacks', or whatever. Nearly every day getting something or another. It added up. Quick.

I suppose it's a blessing that I had it in the bank! Yes indeed... that is true. But it took the wind out of my sail today when I opened the bank account and saw it all gone. Like a kick in the gut, ya know? And again, I hate to blog about this kind of thing. It's just caught me off guard and has me a bit down. But... see... by blogging I now was able to type what a blessing it was that we HAD the money in there. Now I feel better. :o)

Okay, that's off my chest.... On to good news.....

Chris, Jono and I are all going to Amanda's house tomorrow. I'm VERY excited about it!! I can't wait to see her... and this is our first time seeing her Apartment in Orlando. Since Gene works at Disney, I think we'll be headed over there for a few hours, then we'll take the two of them out for dinner.

I'm also very happy that a friend of mine (from High School) sent me a Virgin Mobile phone to give to Amanda, along with $40 in prepaid minutes. FINALLY I can call my daughter and see how she is doing! Not wait until she comes online to chat! I'm very excited about that, and I know she has to be thrilled as well.

We'll be leaving all three kids home when we go up to see Amanda. Mom and Katie... if y'all want to call and check in on them, that would be great! I don't anticipate them getting into trouble, but they have certainly done so before. However, I'm not going to let it be a reason I don't go to see her! Oh, and if anyone from Church is reading this... we've decided to skip church tomorrow so that we can leave first thing in the morning to get up there to see Amanda. It'll make for a full day of fun with her... and I haven't spent any time with her since... well.... since we kicked her out of the house! Funny... looking back, Amanda and I both agree that our doing that was the BEST thing that could have happened to her. She's now living out on her own. Her own apartment. Her own bills. Wooooooowwwww. I can't believe my little girl is all grown up.

Speaking of calling and spending time with family... Julie keeps calling me asking me to please bring the kids down there to see her. She sounds so...... sad. Yet.... I can't just carve 4 hours out of my night once a week to get the kids down there. She has NO idea how busy we are. I hate putting her off and putting her off, but that's what I keep doing. I don't say "no, we are not coming for a while" because I don't want to hurt her. Instead I tell her I don't know when we can come. Which is true.... but it leaves her wondering every day and so she keeps asking. Course I also hate to go down there after our last visit. You know, the cry-fest. UGGGG

Well, Chris is gone to a Gaither's concert... and I've got to do something for the kids for dinner. I guess I better run. Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.
1 Timothy 1:15-17

The Results Are In...

The hospital called Katie today. They told her that the Doctor reviewed our letter and after careful consideration, he's decided to let Julie stay in the Hospital. Awesome news as I really didn't think they'd agree to do after finding out her insurance was maxed. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am about it... that Julie at least has the opportunity to go to the long-term treatment facility.

So on to other news... the kids are home for Spring Break. Have I already said HOLY COW these kids can EAT? I think I did, but it's worth mentioning again. After going through a gallon of milk and an entire loaf of bread on Monday, I went to the store Monday night on the way home from work. While there I bought Little Debbie Snack Cake boxes... FOUR of them... thinking they could eat them this week as a snack. (We also have fruit and other healthy things in the house). Can you guess what I'm going to say next??? I bet you already know... when I came home from work Tuesday night - ALL of them were gone. 12 per box, so that means 48 snack cakes eaten on top of everything else. That's in ONE day. Sigh.............

Things here are good with us otherwise. Jonathan is setting up Monopoly and Chris and I are going to play a game with him tonight. Course it's also American Idol results night and LOST! So I better boogie.

Thank you for all your prayers yesterday - they OBVIOUSLY worked!

Back From Hospital Meeting

I just wanted to post a quick update before I went to bed this evening. (3 posts in 2 days -- wow!)

Katie and I met with a social worker at the hospital. She wanted our 'input' before the decision was made. In a nutshell.... Julie's insurance runs out on Friday, and - miraculously they think she'll be all better by then.

A lot of what was said made absolutely no sense... Julie was incapable of making good medical decisions on anything that pertained to her health while in the hospital, in a locked ward, supervised by a full nursing staff 24 hours a day... yet on Friday when they discharge her, they are going to say that she is suddenly completely capable of making full competent decisions on her own. A miracle, eh? More like 'dump her because her insurance is running out' is like it. Hogwash is what I say. How does that make a bit of sense???

Julie actually said in the meeting that she was mentally fine before she went in and she is still at this time mentally fine. She said that her mental condition was never really the problem, she just wanted to kill herself.

One funny thing that happened was the social worker, who was also a diabetic, asked Julie if she was going to make good decisions on her health and eating once discharged. Julie said that - on the way home from the hospital she was going to stop at McDonald's. The social worker, unable to really grasp what Julie was saying, said "well, they have salads and fruit, so you might be okay." Julie said that - no - she'd go for a big mac, fries and a coke. She said... Tina, you eat at McDonald's, so WHY can't I??? And this is what they call better???

I was really at a loss as to how Julie was supposed to get the help she needed. The case worker mentioned that Julie could be at the long term treatment facility for only 21 days. She also mentioned that the hospital's job wasn't to address Julie's specific problems - but rather to stabilize her so that she can't commit suicide. I said.... if Julie continues to eat the way she's been eating, if she continues to take her medication however she wants to take it... she IS going to kill herself. So.... HOW is NOT addressing those problems going to help her??

She told me over and over again that they couldn't predict the future, nor could Dr. Vijapuri if he discharged her. I completely disagreed with that. I told her point-blank.... Dr. Vijapuri has been treating Julie for 10 to 15 years or so. He's been seeing her weekly (through his partner Dr. Vergeese) for I don't even know how long... years at least. WEEKLY for YEARS. If Dr. Vijapuri was going to stand in a room and say to us that he doesn't know for sure that Julie is going to fall into the SAME pattern she has fallen into HUNDREDS of times in the past years... he'd be flat out lying. You bet your ass he knows.

I also told the social worker that... if the problem was only insurance, that perhaps they could write a letter. Can you IMAGINE the money Tricare has spent on Julie's mental condition over the years? And in the future... what they are going to spend??? I can't even fathom.... But I said that if presented to Tricare showing them that this was something they HAD NOT yet tried and COULD potentially help Julie stay off some medications and out of the doctors and hospitals as frequently as she is now... it would for sure be profitable and in Tricare's best interest to try it. She didn't seem overly interested in that.

I asked if there was a 'court order' that the family could get that would be JUST like the one the hospital got... saying that Julie was incapable of making medical decisions on her own - REGARDLESS of being in the hospital or not. She mentioned that getting that would be very expensive... although there is a number at Hillsborough County where we could get on a list to get free help of this sort.

Katie and I mentioned every single thing we wanted to mention. Katie and I submitted my letter (as posted in my last post) for Dr. Vijapuri to read when making his decision. They are going to let us know their 'decision' later.

Please keep all of us in your prayers through this difficult time. I am mentally and physically exhausted after worrying about this all day today. And now... we have until Friday. I know I say it all the time... but your prayers really do lift us up.

The System Failed

What an awful day today has been. Usually after having a bad post as I did yesterday, everything turns itself around and I feel SO much better... but not today.

This morning I got a frantic phone call from Mom and Katie telling me that they are going to DISCHARGE Julie today. I also talked to Julie personally.

Let me say it now..... I HATE THE SYSTEM!

In my eyes... the system failed Julie.

Here's what I know so far....

The long-term treatment facility won't have any beds open for at least 2-3 more weeks.
The long-term treatment facility won't accept Julie if she goes home - they accept transfers from the hospital only.
The hospital states that Julie is no longer suicidal and 'better' and therefore must discharge her. However, how can they discharge someone who is mentally incompetent? I don't understand!

Katie and I are going to go down to the hospital today for a meeting at 5:30 where this will be discussed. Katie has said that she WILL NOT sign anything agreeing to the discharge. If I am given the opportunity to speak... here is what I have written to talk about:

Julie has been mentally ill since she was very young.

Dr. Vijapura has been Julie’s treating psychiatrist for at least 10-15 years. In that time, how many times has Julie been to the hospital for care? Literally hundreds if you count medical and mental.

Obviously the long term treatment facility was going to help Julie in many ways, one of them being that she will learn to take care of herself to the point where she is not hospitalized so often (both mentally and physically). Is it then your opinion that Julie is ‘cured’ to the point where she is going to go home and not require frequent medical and psychiatric monitoring?

Only 12 days ago, a judge ordered Julie to be mentally incompetent. In those records it states: “Julie is manifestly incapable of surviving alone OR with the help of willing and responsible family or friends… and WITHOUT treatment is likely to suffer from neglect or refuse to care for herself, and such neglect or refusal poses a real and present threat of substantial harm to the patient’s well-being.” Is it your opinion now that this no longer applies to Julie? Can you guarantee that Julie is going to go home and take her medications as prescribed, eat as directed, and not abuse any medications? If Julie goes home and does what she usually does (eat herself sick or overdose on medication) – are you willing to accept full responsibility? If so, and Julie does hurt or kill herself, you can expect a malpractice suit from the family.

Only 12 days ago court documents state that “There is a substantial likelihood that in the near future the patient will inflict serious bodily harm on herself or another person, as evidenced by recent behavior causing, attempting, or threatening such harm” Is it your opinion now, only 12 days later that this is no longer relevant? If so, and Julie goes home and hurts herself, again you can expect malpractice liabilities.

In the court documents dated 12 days ago, it reads “A Guardian Advocate is necessary to act on the patient’s behalf in issues relating to express and informed consent to psychiatric and medical treatment in that the patient is incompetent to consent to treatment because the patient’s judgment is so affected by her mental illness that the patient lacks the capacity to make a well reasoned, willful and knowing decision concerning treatment.” Will the Guardian still be needed? If yes…. My other sister Katie was appointed as Julie’s guardian. How then will Katie be able to monitor Julie’s medications (some given as much as 4 times a day) on an outpatient basis? If it’s said that it is no longer necessary – can Dr. Vijapura then guarantee that Julie will begin taking her medication exactly as prescribed? Note that Julie has been non-compliant with her medical care (as documented in nearly every hospital visit she’s had) for many years. Does Dr. Vijapura think that this too is ‘cured’ in only 12 days?

I would like to add that, although there are some in this room who may feel that Julie can now be monitored at home and will begin taking care of herself, there are those of us who have known Julie all her life and completely disagree. Julie’s most recent hospitalization - where she was trying to eat enough to get her blood sugar to a level to put herself in a coma so she could wake up 6 years later and everything be normal and she could get her kids back – happened while Julie was under Dr. Vijapura’s WEEKLY treatment. Furthermore, this was not a one-time “depression” episode… this is a way of life for Julie. She is in the hospital or at the doctors for things all the time. Headache, blood sugar, stomach hurts, depression, etc. We, her family, had hoped that being in a long-term treatment mental health facility might be her only hope of turning things around.

Julie has a documented history of narcotics abuse. Julie has a history of looking for medications or things she can get a ‘high’ from (ranging from her prescribed Klonopin to huffing household aerosol cans). In Julie’s hospital medication record, it shows her taking 30 medications, 19 different medications she is required to take every day (11 are taken ‘as needed’), and daily she takes no less than 37 pills every single day. Of these medications, how many are habit-forming?If discharged on any habit-forming medication, can someone here assure the family that Julie will not become addicted to them and/or abuse them? If discharged, will Julie be able to function as a normal adult (working, driving, etc) on these medications? Would you want her, taking all of these pills, working for you? Or driving your kids to the mall?

Finally I would like to say one last thing as the permanent guardian of Julie’s children. I have had the children in my care since late 2005. During that time Julie has tried many things to keep herself well and out of the hospital, nothing had helped. I was truly hoping that long-term care might – at the very least – help Julie. In the very first records from DCF regarding Julie, it was suggested that Julie go to long-term treatment for a minimum of 6 months. To date, that has not happened. This is what concerns me as her sister.

As the permanent guardian of her children, it concerns me that the only thing Julie can think about is getting her kids back. It is her reason for seeking help, her reason for trying to get better, and the reason that she TRIES to do better. When the court gave me permanent custody of the children, it was stated that Julie would almost positively never get the kids back. They are teenagers (13, 14 and 16) and that – by the time Julie was well enough to take care of herself mentally and physically, even IF it happened that she could do so – the kids would be adults. One of the things Julie needed to do to ‘get her kids back’ was to not be in the hospital or at the doctors as much as she has been. Julie, in her adult life, has NEVER, to my knowledge, gone several months without going to the hospital for something or another. The likelihood of this happening is slim to none. Julie refuses to accept the fact that I have “permanent custody” nor acknowledge what the word “permanent” means. To this day, Julie believes she could have her kids back in 6 months to a year.

When the kids visited Julie earlier this week, she gave them paintings she had done but told them they couldn’t take them home to my house – that she wanted to put them up in ‘their bedrooms at home’ for when they come home. The kids, being mentally competent and having been to counseling over the past year, understand that they are likely not going home. But it hurts them to know that their mom is incapable of believing that. Not that she WON’T believe it, but that she is INCAPABLE of believing it. At her last visit with the kids while in Memorial, the kids began to cry when Julie talked about them going home. She talked about how she had been doing lots of work in their bedrooms making everything just perfect for them. The kids were crying saying “I miss you”. Julie hugged them saying they’d be home soon. In my eyes, this bordered abusive. I have personally talked to Julie’s doctor who agrees that Julie just ‘doesn’t get it’ and that “Julie will believe whatever Julie wants to believe.” At what point does her continuous talking to the kids about their going home become abusive to THEIR mental health? If Julie’s doctors can not talk to her about this and resolve this, I feel that further action might be necessary to keep the kids mentally safe.

I can’t stress enough how much of a mistake I feel the doctors would be making should they decide to discharge Julie. I hope that this decision will be reconsidered.

I am truly sick over this whole thing. I can't think of anything else other than this. I had been hoping for years that Julie could go to long-term treatment... and here it was... days or maybe only weeks away... and it's not going to happen.

I honestly believe that Julie thinks that she is better. When I tried to talk to her today about her medications, she got very defensive saying that she is on LESS medication now than she was before. I find that........... incredible. Sad. And incredible.

Mom said that she talked to some people at her hospital (works at Tampa General) who say that this kind of thing happens 'all the time'. That they have one patient upstairs that has been waiting for a bed at the long-term treatment place for 2 months and still hasn't been able to go. How truly sad is that?? Undoubtedly, one thing I think we all agree upon is that Julie WILL be back in the hospital again soon. And at that point, they can again 'put her on the list'... but most likely, she won't get in. And thus the cycle continues, as it has for many years.

I'm also extremely sad knowing that Julie is probably going to go home from the hospital, get online and read my blog... having no idea how I've felt about any of this. I fully believe that SHE thinks she acted just fine at the hospital. She fully believes that she is not acting 'doped up'. And I totally get that... it's hard when it's YOU and you have to try to assess yourself. I'm sure in HER eyes... she's no longer wanting to kill herself so she IS much better. However, those of us family members who have been through this hundreds of times before know it's going to happen again and again and again. Sigh...

The other HUGE fear I have is that, in the very near future, Julie and I are not going to be happy with one-another. Surely she's going to read about how I feel or something is going to come up in what I'm saying to her and she's going to be angry with me. As I said above, I feel that some of what Julie does is mentally abusive and I MUST find a way to stop it. I've asked her psychiatrist for help... they won't. As I said in an earlier post... my relationship with Julie is very odd right now. Not friends, not just sisters... I don't know what it is. But the last thing in the world I want those kids to have to go through is dealing with us if their mom and I are at odds with one another. And yet, I am so sick of the whole thing I just want to throw up my hands and say 'screw it all' and get to the point where I no longer care about Julie's feelings and just say whatever the heck I want. That would be bad for everyone.

One thing I should mention about what I said above... I am not a sue-happy person by ANY means. I worked for doctors for 16 years and I've seen some sue-happy kind of people... out for money with no conscience... believing that a doctor's judgment while 'in the moment' - if ends in a bad situation - is worthy of financial profit to the family. I get all that, I really do. But, in my opinion... them discharging Julie after everything that was stated 12 DAYS ago is in-and-of-itself INSANE in my book. Insane and medically nothing short of negligent.

Okay... let's move on to the kids. They are on spring break this week. I'd ALMOST forgotten how much these kids can eat. I went shopping on Sunday night to buy food for the week. While there I purchased (among many other things) a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. Monday afternoon I get a call asking me to pick up milk and bread on the way home from work. LESS than 24 hours later... a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread - gone. Holy CAJOLIE! And what's worse is that Jonathan wasn't even there on Monday... he was with a friend. Jonathan can EAT, let me tell ya. Recently he had FIVE sandwiches for lunch. And he's so THIN! I think that means he's going to go through a growth spurt, which is not good for me because he will then be TALLER than his mom! I guess it was bound to happen! LOL

Every time I think about all they eat, I keep reminding myself that I need to get back on that SHARES Florida plan. The food was so inexpensive... I've GOT to get more involved in that. I think I'll go check out the website now... oh yeah... here it is for March:

* 30 oz Birdseye Voila Garlic Chicken Meal
* 1 lb Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast Fillets
* 8 oz Sliced Canadian Bacon
* 1 lb Italian Rope Sausage
* 1 lb Italian Meatballs
* 7 oz Maple Sausage Links
* Broccoli (1 Head)
* Potatoes (2.5 lb Bag)
* Tomatoes (2 Each)
* Green Peppers (2 Each)
* Salad Mix (1 lb Bag)
* Radishes (1 Bag)
* Oranges (4 Each)
* Apples (5 Each)

All this for the price of only $18.00. Yeah... cool huh? Again, that website if anyone else is interested is: www.shareflorida.org You need only to volunteer in some capacity to qualify for the discount. Very cool. Gotta do it again. :o) Granted it doesn't replace grocery shopping as you can't pick and choose what you get, but still... all that food for $18 - and it WON'T go unused in this house. :o)

I had better run... I must get some work done today. I skipped lunch because my stomach is so tore up over this whole thing.

Please keep Julie and the kids in your prayers. Say an extra prayer for Katie, Mom and myself while you are at it. I know that this is mentally and physically draining for the three of us as well. Our meeting is at 5:30 tonight, so if you could focus your prayers around that time it would be really great.

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

Julie's Visit To The Psychiatric Hospital

Friday night Justin's baseball practice was canceled, so the kids and I jumped in the car to go surprise Julie in the hospital for a visit from 6 to 8 pm.

Julie was very happy to see the kids. The visit started off badly, but went well after that.

Julie was extremely doped up. She did the 'Thorazine shuffle', moving very slowly and shuffling her feet as she walked. She was like... in slow motion... but of course she didn't realize it. We played a game of Uno and I swear it took no less than 5 minutes to simply shuffle the deck and deal everyone 7 cards. Her speech was a bit slurred but understandable.

There was one incident that I'm still struggling with. When I explained what happened to Chris, he said he felt it bordered on abusive. I'll tell you about it, and let me know what you think. Julie went into her room and came back out with some paintings she had done for the kids (paint by numbers). She had two paintings and three sun catchers. She gave Kayla one of the paintings and told her "this one will look so nice on your yellow bedroom wall." Kayla said "mommy, my bedroom is blue" and Julie said that she was talking about her bedroom at home. She then went on to say that she was giving the paintings to them now, but didn't want them to take them with them - she wanted to go out and buy frames and hang them in their bedrooms at home. Then she went on to elaborate how she had been working on their rooms so that they could come home soon.

I think it was everything that she was saying here in conjunction with Julie's drugged behavior, the fact that she was in a mental hospital and on her way to a long-term treatment facility, and that they had memories of visiting Julie at this same hospital with their dad when he was still alive.... the kids just lost it crying. Openly boo-hooing. We're talking that horrible cry where you just can't hold it in anymore and their little faces were covered with tears. Kayte was the worst and started the whole thing.... and Kayte kept saying "I miss you Mommy" and Julie just held her and told her that it was okay... that Kayte could come home soon. It was heart-wrenching horrible. And I was angry. Right there and then I wished I had never brought the kids to the hospital.

I said to Julie, "Why are you doing this Julie?" Mainly because I did feel that she was 'doing this' to them... it FELT like she was trying to get them to cry. Julie will read this and swear she was not, I know. It's just what it felt like to me. I told her that she knows what I feel, what the Judge said, what DCF said, everything. So why, I asked, do you say this?? Julie believes that the kids were crying because they want to come home. I've talked to the kids and I know that they were crying because they really do miss their mom... and because they know that she is just not mentally right and is not accepting what is going on with her.

The kids and I on the way home from the hospital talked quite a bit. We talked about how she just couldn't realize that she was never going to be mentally well enough to stay out of the hospital, stay healthy, and get them back before they were adults. I gave the kids a great analogy of what I felt was going on with their mom. I told them:

Do you remember when your dad was first diagnosed with the kidney disease and Leukemia. He was told he had 5 years to live... that he would NEVER recover and certainly never get better. I told them that their dad made the choice to live every single day as if he were not sick... as if it was the last day on earth and he wasn't going to let it get by without playing a round of golf, or going to school to learn a new career, or whatever else he did. (He was amazing) When he had to do dialysis three times a week, he didn't let it get in his way... he planned around it. He went to work at a hospital so that it would be easier on him and his time. It wasn't that he didn't accept the fact that he was going to die - because he knew it was going to happen someday. He just wanted to squeeze the life out of every single day that he had until it happened.

I told them that their mom has a somewhat similar decision to make. Most everyone knows that Julie can't stay out of the hospital, off narcotics, not get depressed or manic or whatever else, for any period of time. And because of this, most everyone knows that Julie's chances are slim-to-none of getting them back. She could choose to make the most out of every day... talking to them... planning on what she's going to do when she comes over for a visit... maybe working on stabilizing herself to be able to have unsupervised visits. But instead, her eye is set and focused on them moving back home. The 'nearly impossible'. In Julie's eyes... nothing else matters... NOTHING. There is no 'that's okay I'll do this'. It's like... there are no happy days until the kids are home. There are no goals other than the kids coming home. There is no reason to get herself better and healthier other than than it's one thing to do to get the kids to come home. There is nothing else that matters. And - I wish Julie had more in her life that mattered. I wish she knew that SHE was a special person with a big HUGE heart and that she alone was worth getting better for. Just for herself.

I went to church on Sunday - Chris and I sang on the praise team. It was a very emotional weekend for me... first this with Julie... Pastor Matthew had just lost his dad (the funeral was on Saturday)... and at Church they had this alter time... you can go up on bended knee and pray for whatever you need to pray about. But this time they also had Matthew stand on one side of the alter and Bill Atkinson on the other side (he's one amazing man) and you could go to them and ask them to pray with you. Oh how I wanted to go pray with Bill.... I wanted to lift Julie up in prayer. But I was already crying a little bit, and we still had a song left to sing... so I didn't go.

After the last service, Bill just happened to be up by where I had been singing after everyone left. I asked him to pray with me and explained why I was late in asking (couldn't do it in the service). Together we prayed. The message at church was about miracles... and I told Bill that - although I know God could take away her mental illness completely, that I would just settle for her accepting it as 'what it is' and for her to move on from there. Work on getting better within the confines of her 'disability'. I could elaborate here... but you all know what I mean. We prayed, I cried and cried and cried some more.

In the Bible, Jesus often performed miracles on those who truly believed. Julie, albeit a cradle-catholic, is not a religious person by ANY means. She has no relationship with God or Jesus. So then... I wonder.... can God then not help?? Are my prayers wasted??? Maybe wasted is a bad word.... but you know what I mean... when you pray for something and hope so much that something will come of it. Am I going to be let down by my hopes?

Julie keeps asking now about our 'next visit'... and I just don't know what to say. I'm whole-heartedly not looking forward to any other visits. I've asked the kids to write her things... draw things for her.... make a little box that we can leave with her next time so she has something to read every day from the kids. But that next visit.... soon??? Sigh.... I think no. I don't think I can emotionally handle it. And after she made the kids cry.... I'm a bit peeved by that whole thing. Although not so peeved that I don't realize that my sister is mentally ill and therefore doesn't think logically.

So many times I blog and I am certian of how to feel when I am done. But today... I'm not so sure. So... what do all of you think? Please post a comment and let me know.

What's In Your Oven?

Just didn't want to leave you hanging... I wanted to let you know that I didn't kill Kayla last night. We had a long talk with her, same thing as usual.

She told me that she has been off her Prozac for almost 2 weeks now. At first it seemed like that would explain everything. Then when I picked up the bottle to refill it, I see that I last filled 30 of them on 2/19.... so I'm really not sure what to believe actually. She told me that she thought she was just taking the pills to 'make her happy' and since she was already happy she didn't think she needed them. I reviewed with her what the diagnosis was that made her get on the pills to begin with... what OCD meant and how it described her inability to control herself and her actions. The medication is supposed to help with that. I thought it was working beautifully... and again... if she were indeed off the pills for 2 weeks it would totally explain her behavior.

Jimmie is doing much better. He had the heart cath, and from what I understand, there is a blockage that can't be fixed and they will need to monitor every 6 months.

Someone had mentioned in response to my last blog that I might consider the military for Kayla. I actually think that's a great idea in many ways. I don't know about a military school, but I like the discipline that the military would teach her. I've often told her that she'd make a great policeman or corrections officer. I don't really know why I think that... but I can just see her doing that kind of work.

The biggest reason I think the military might not be an option for Kayla is because it killed her father at such a young age. I am positive that it has to have some impact on what she thinks about the military. For those who may read this who didn't read the blog on that.... he went to the Gulf War at the age of 32. He was in his 6th year of military service. His work involved handling bombs in some manner. Little did we know at the time the US was involved with 'dirty bombs'. The effects of handling these dirty bombs gave him an incurable kidney disease and CML Leukemia. 6 years later he passed away. I am sure that knowing this, being involved as this unfolded, and the fact that it was her Daddy.... has to affect the way she views the military overall. It's an odd feeling for me actually. If he had gone over there and been shot and killed, there would have been more of a sense of heroicity to it. But to come home and die slowly because of it... somehow seemed less heroic. Albeit he still died for our country. So anyways... I don't know how Kayla would react to any kind of mention of a military school or career.

Julie called several times last night as well. It's soooo sad. She really wants to see the kids - but the problem is that visiting hours are from 6 to 8 pm and are strictly enforced. We would have to be there right at 6 pm. We have to say that Kayte is 14 (because at 13 she's not allowed to visit). And I would have to leave right at 5 pm after work to make it there in time since we are so far away from her and would have to deal with rush-hour traffic. The kids would have to go in one at a time because I'm supposed to be there to supervise each time. (Remember the judge said 'always within eye and ear-shot') We were planning to go to the hospital to see her on Friday night, but Justin has baseball practice. He originally said he'd miss practice to go and see his mom, but.... he's already missed a practice and a game this week and the coach is already fuming over it. So now he thinks he needs to go to practice (I'd agree with that).... after all, this is Spring ball and they are much more competitive than Fall ball. Saturday Chris and I sing from about 4 to 7 pm on the praise team at church. Sunday the kids have Church, which the might want to miss, but Kayla has to be there at 4 pm to practice to be on the dance team for the Easter service. Monday night is baseball practice again. Tuesday I might be going to a chorus rehearsal (more on that at a later time!) Thursday night is Choir night. Friday night is baseball practice. Saturday afternoon Jonathan has a quartet performance. Sunday again is Church. That leaves Wednesday as the only 'normal' night where we might be able to go out there. I honestly think that Julie just doesn't understand how crazy busy it is here. Although, from her point of view... sitting in a mental hospital 24 hours a day... she has nothing but time... and is probably going stir-crazy wanting to see the kids. (Pun intentional)

Okay... I feel like sharing another short story.

Chris and I were living together in a little duplex in South Tampa - just out of High School - not yet married. Amanda was 2 months old.... and it was the day before our wedding. Knowing that it was 'bad luck' to see the groom before the wedding, I spent the night with my mom and dad. Amanda was with me as she was just a baby. Chris, being a guy, of course had to have a bachelor party. They, of course, got rip-roaring drunk. I called Chris that night after he got in... and he passed out on the phone while I was talking to him. (All I heard was loud breathing). Yeah... they were REALLY drunk. Course he was only 18, so it didn't take much to make that happen.

We got married in my mom's back yard under my grapefruit tree... reception inside the house. From there we went to the Embassy Suites for one night. On the way we stopped at Burger King for dinner. After that we went to a time-share condo with Chris's mom and some others. We were gone for a few days.

I get back to the apartment, and the place is a MESS. These guys really were drunk, let me tell ya. Of course I clean up. Back then I didn't cook much... and when I did it was Mac and Cheese or Romain Noodles. Weeks after the wedding, I go to cook something in the oven. I turn on the oven and smell something -- open it up -- and I see Chris had dumped all kinds of DISHES and pots in the oven for some reason.... all of them filthy with food still on them. I might point out the odor... food on them... sitting for weeks.... then baked on.... yeah... good smell alright!

"Okay," I think, "I can clean this up!"

Back then I was the dishwasher... so I wash up all the dishes, dry them, and put them away. Chris returns home from work and I ask him why on EARTH he put all those in the oven. He said.... he was trying to hide them. He asks... "did you get all the vomit off them?" Whaaaaat???

He had vomited in the sink while really drunk... got it all over the dishes.... and didn't know what to do with them (but knew he didn't want to wash them).... so he just threw them in the oven to hide them and thought we'd just deal with them later.

Yuck - yuck - yuck!

Horrible Day

You all know we've had our share of problems with Kayla, the internet and cell phones. I thought we had that behind us... but apparently not. For now, Kayla is not allowed to use the internet because she truly can't control herself when she's on it.... she's proved that again and again. I know she goes on it at school, but there is little I can do about that - and I assume that there are intelligent people at school making sure she stays out of trouble. The cell phone - well, she keeps taking phones and using them to talk to people when she's been on restriction. Just yesterday I was bragging about how Kayla has not been on restriction for the entire 9 weeks! Should have waited for the other shoe to fall I suppose.

Last night Chris was on the laptop looking up cell phone plans for Kayte - we're trying to determine the least expensive way to get her a prepaid cell phone or possibly add her to our cell plan. Chris pulls up my call history because he sees I have a TON of minutes used. He sees that I was on my cell phone last night for well over an hour - after 11 pm. He wonders who the hell I am talking to that late at night and why so long. Heck, my longest conversation with him is only 15 minutes at best. I tell him over and over that it wasn't me - I didn't call anyone! So.... I call the number to find out who was on the other line.

Kayla's boyfriend.

I was FURIOUS. She went down into my purse, stole my cell phone, took it up to her room and pretended like she was sleeping, talked to her boyfriend for well over an hour in a couple different calls, and then erased any incoming/outgoing calls from my phone's memory. In the morning, before I got up, she put the phone back in my purse. She thought she was so smart.

We looked at my call history to determine that she has done this on more than one occasion just this billing cycle. Her defense was that she thought I had unlimited nights and weekends so it would be fine. Oh my gosh, I am just so angry again typing this. I can't believe she took it and deceived us.... again.

I don't know what to do about this with her. I honestly don't. Her psychiatrist suggested she just not use the internet and not get a cell phone. But if she's going to take them regardless, then what do you do? I suppose you have to address the stealing and deceiving part of it. I remember once Julie got the kids cell phones. When Julie's cell bill hit $1,000 or so in a month because of Kayla's calls - she had to take them away. So.... getting her something like a phone to try to teach her responsibility isn't going to happen. I suppose more restriction is the only thing we can do. Oie!

On to Julie news....

Katie asked me for help determining what all Medications Julie was on and for what. She has three pages of medications: everything from asthma medicine to schizophrenia medicine. There are 30 prescriptions on the list, and I went through and told Katie what each one was for and what I thought she should ask the doctors/nurses about. For example: why does she need 3 medications for her bi-polar, 2 for depression and 2 for schizophrenia every single day? Of the 30 of them, 21 of them are every single day, leaving 9 of them to take 'as needed'. We're not talking about actual pills, we are talking about 30 or 21 actual different kinds of medications, many taken multiple times a day. In addition, she has several medications that are narcotics or 'addictive' and are taken on an 'as needed' basis - such as Vicoden. I told Katie that I thought she should mention to the nurses or doctors that she has a history of abuse of 'habit-forming' medications. The last thing anybody wants is for Julie to get hooked on medications while she's in for treatment and then when she's sent home (whenever that is) she feels that she needs some more of the meds. Thinking back... the last time she had problems with prescription medication abuse was after a hospital stay in the psyc ward, if I remember correctly.

I've always felt that Julie's psychiatrist tended to 'over-medicate' Julie... seeing this list of 30 different medications did nothing but make that feeling a little stronger. I mean.... let me count them.... she takes 37 pills a day on a regular basis according to this list. If she took all the medications on her 'as needed' list in one day, she'd be taking a total of 68 pills. Holy cow. Of course, she wouldn't have a day when she'd need to take the stomach medication and a headache pills... well, no.... maybe she would. Sixty eight folks. This makes me feel so sad for Julie. It also makes me wish even more that she could go to one of those wonderful places Dr. Phil sends his guests. That would be a dream come true for sure. Sixty eight. Sigh....

I also don't have all the info yet, but I do know that Julie is hearing things in her head right now. We need to find out if it's voices or noises (not sure what the difference is, if there is a difference) - but Julie did say that she was hearing things in her head now. One has to wonder if it might be even remotely possible that all those pills could contribute something to that... I mean... I don't think she was hearing things while she was home. Maybe she was and she just didn't want to say anything . In any case... it's very sad for Julie. Please keep Julie in your prayers.

I also read her involuntary placement paperwork from the State and found some of it to be really interesting. The recommended placement is for 3 months, with an option being to go to 6 months if needed. The reason for placement: mood swings, suicidal thoughts and attempt, history of non-compliance with medications. The court document states that Julie is "incapable of surviving alone or with the help or willing and responsible family or friends, including available alternative services, and without treatment is likely to suffer from neglect or refuse to care for herself, and such neglect or refusal to poses a real and present threat of substantial harm to the patient's well being". Additionally "It is found that a Guardian Advocate is necessary to act on the patient's behalf in issues relating to express and informed consent to psychiatric and medical treatment in that the patient is incompetent to consent to treatment because the patient's judgment is so affected by her mental illness that the patient lacks the capacity to make well reasoned, willful and knowing decisions concerning treatment". I found this wording to be dead-on accurate. I also saw that the court had a person there who was going to be appointed to be Julie's guardian, but instead Katie took the 4 hour course and agreed to do it. This is GREAT for Julie... mainly because Katie really cares about Julie's well-being, unlike someone who may not from a State office.

So I also wanted to tell you about my birthday last night. We were supposed to go to my mother in law's for dinner. When we got there - she had gone WAAAAY above and beyond. What a spread she had... she made home made bourbon chicken with white rice, some kind of chicken fettuccine dish, corn, green beans, bread, a huge salad, strawberry shortcake, cake, ice cream... I'm sure I must be forgetting something - it was awesome! Those who came were mom, Katie, Tony and Tatiana, Danny, Evie and Jimmie, Amanda and Gene and of course Chris and all 4 kids. It was just great.

Jimmie didn't look very well the whole time. He seemed.... tired.... just not himself. After we left we found out he was having some heart problems and Evie took him up to the hospital where he was admitted. Remember, he had the multiple heart attacks last year. All I know right now is that his BP was very low (around 85/45) and he wasn't getting much oxygen in his blood. They are scheduling him for a stress test today... and I'm chomping at the bits to not call Evie every 30 minutes to ask her how he is doing. I also have been told that his kidneys are failing for some reason... not sure why or what is going on there.

Evie must have said it to me 5 times this morning... my party didn't do this to him. Although I know that is true -- I also think that everyone being there while he wasn't feeling well might have caused a great deal of stress and made him a little more tired than he would have been on a normal night. On the positive side of that, maybe the additional stress made him go to the ER quicker than he'd have gone if he just went to bed and thought he'd sleep it off. Early treatment for these kinds of things is key. I dunno... but please keep him in your prayers.

Okay - just got another call that INFURIATED me. Kayla had asked me yesterday if she could go to dinner with her boyfriend Wednesday night. This was before I knew she was stealing my cell phone and using it, and I did say 'yes'. We're supposed to talk about her 'restriction' tonight, it was too last and Chris and I were too angry last night to really decide on a logical punishment for her. So, Justin calls and asks me if I know that Kayla didn't come home after school today. No... of course I didn't know that. The rule is -- they come home after school and from that time until 5 pm they are to do homework, study, and do chores. No TV, no friends, no phone, no internet... so of course I wouldn't have let her go to her boyfriend's house... in particular with no adults home yet. Even if his mom was home... it's still after school, she hasn't gone home, and she's already on my shit list.

I call Kayla and she says that she asked me yesterday if she could go to dinner with her boyfriend tonight and I said yes. I said - "how does that equate to you walking to his house after school????" She says she asked me if it was okay - I am 100% positive she did not - I would have never let her go there after school, even if I wasn't already mad about the cell phone. Remember... I was pregnant at 17, I know full-well what teenager boyfriend/girlfriends do if left alone at home for a period of time. I can't believe she's telling me that she really thought that I said it was okay. She is bold face lying. Sadly, I'm not surprised.

Now Chris has to get off work early to go and pick her up. (He too doesn't wan her left alone with her boyfriend at his home alone) Getting off work early means a cut in pay. I wonder if Kayla thinks about the repercussions of her actions? Probably not. Sigh.....

Then Julie calls me. She reminds me what "all teenagers do"... and reminds me of my pregnancy (as if I needed reminding). I am going to stop on a soapbox on this one.... I think that for parents or adults to respond with 'everyone does it' or 'we used to do it' or 'they are going to do it eventually' or 'they are going to do it even if you tell them not to' -- therefore making it okay -- is a HUGE mistake. What kind of morals are we teaching our kids if we talk like this?? And it's not just Julie by any means.... I see this a lot in society nowadays, and it drives me nuts. An extreme example is that video of the Uncle who said he gave his young Nephew (I think he was 3) pot. He says that it was okay because "he was going to do it eventually. I'd rather he learn it from me than out on the streets". What kind of WHACK thinking is that??

It may seem extreme and you may think that this kind of thing is extremely isolated... but I believe that we as adults and parents are graying too many lines. As we continue to let our kids push the line just a little which moves that line just a bit - over time - it changes everything. As we take what was blatantly wrong when we were kids and tell our kids it's a little bit okay (graying the line), it changes everything. It certainly will change who they are and how they parent their own kids. We are little by little changing the moral face of society.

As I'm looking online for something great written by someone else to put here, I found this: "Today's kids are being raised in a much more morally toxic atmosphere than previous generations for two reasons. First, a number of critical social factors that nurture moral character are slowly disintegrating: adult supervision, models of moral behavior, spiritual or religious training, meaningful adult relationships, personalized schools, clear national values, community support, stability, and adequate parents. Second, our kids are being steadily bombarded with outside messages that go against the values we are trying to instill. Both factors make it much harder for parents to raise moral kids. Today's parents can no longer sit back and assume their kids become decent human beings. Deliberately teaching the moral virtues and habits is the best assurance parents have that their kids will lead moral lives."

Yeah, that was what I was trying to say!

Now I've just got to calm down before I get home. I hate trying to discipline when I am angry. Trying to be firm yet fair when you are angry is very difficult. But it's time to go home... so wish me luck.........

Again, please keep Jimmie Dean (Chris's step father), Julie and all the kids in your prayers. They lift us up more than you can possibly imagine.

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

Time for Everything

I guess I'm feeling a little better since my last post. We had a pretty weird weekend. Friday I received an email from an English teacher at Gaither High telling me that Justin was failing her class. Grrrrrreat. She says he is playing around and just not finishing his work. She said that he breezes through the A's, B's and C's, then when he drops down to a D she can tell he's working to make it up... but he's so disorganized he doesn't turn in work which brought him down to the F.

Then today I receive a phone call from another teacher for Justin... this time it's American Government - she tells me that he's doing okay academically (has a B, but could have an A if he only behaved). She tells me that he "has to learn how to control himself" because he will talk and talk and talk in class and it's not only disruptive to Justin, it's causing other students to not do well in class - and it's certainly not fair to them. Of course, Justin thinks this teacher is making it 'bigger than it is'. But we are pretty darn furious with him.

Oh, and last week we got a call from Jonathan's PE teacher. The teacher has been making them run in PE instead of doing whatever Jonathan thinks they are 'supposed' to be doing (I think it's Volleyball). Jonathan finally got tired of running every day and told the teacher something to the effect of "this shit it stupid" -- or something like that. But he got in big trouble for cursing at a teacher and had detention today at lunch because of it.

Sheeshhhhhhhhhhhhh

So the two boys are not doing so well in school - while the girls are doing great. Kayte is 99% sure she is getting honor roll this last 9 weeks (The 9 weeks ended last Friday). If she does get honor roll, she gets a prepaid cell phone. She's already planning her calls. Kayla has all A's, B's and C's and hasn't been on restriction ONCE this 9 weeks. She said she doesn't even remember the last time she went a whole 9 weeks and didn't get into trouble. Wow! I'm so happy for them.

Kayte asked me tonight if they ALL brought home A's, B's and C's on their last report card of the year (all four of them), could they have one helluva summer party. Chris and I totally agreed with that, although we feel it would be highly unlikely to happen. Jonathan almost always has D's... almost. But maybe the peer-pressure to do well will be good for them all. I certainly don't mind opening my house one Saturday as a celebration for good grades!

What else about this weekend? It was really crazy...

Friday after school, Kayte calls me at 2:55 pm and wants to know if she can spend the night over a friends house. I'm at work... doing - well, work!... I can't think about what's going on that night. I tell her that I'll talk to Uncle Chris about it and we'll let her know tonight. She says "no, I need to know NOW because her mom is leaving at 3 pm" (yeah, in FIVE minutes) "and she needs to know right away if she can go or not." I just HATE that!!! I let her go, but we are going to have to put a stop to the last minute "can I sleep over" thing. When Amanda was this age, we had a "Three-day rule" -- we had to know where she was going or she had to ask if someone could sleep over our house three days in advance so we weren't surprised. I think we'll modify it now to the "One-day rule". At least we'll have some notice.

Chris went to work on Saturday at 7 am and didn't get home until 1 am or so. Justin had a baseball game and we left the house about 9 am and didn't get home until 5 or so. But I took the 55 Chevy and that was just SO much fun to drive... it absolutely made my week. Saturday night Kayla went on a date until about 11 pm, Kayte left at 10 pm to go to "Midnight Madness" at the YMCA and didn't get home until after midnight. It was after midnight Saturday and I just couldn't take it any more and finally went to bed - leaving all the kids still up for Chris to deal with when he got home at 1 am. Course all of this was before the time change! Needless to say nobody was able to get up for Church Sunday morning. I hate missing Church!!

Things with Julie are still the same. I feel really bad for my sister Katie who has now become Julie's legal guardian. They call Katie all the time for things at the hospital... permission to give her medications and such. Katie hasn't really been 'involved' in Julie's mental illness much - she's been blissfully distant. You know what I mean.... she knows the big stuff but didn't get the daily calls from Julie when she wasn't doing well. Katie knew Julie was in the hospital only if mom or I told her she was. Anyways - all of that has changed now as Katie is the 'go-to' girl for Julie. Katie told me that she has a 3 page list of medications they have Julie on now - she's going to fax it to me so that I can help her figure out what it's all for.

I also feel really bad that I've not been able to get the kids down there to see Julie yet. It's been crazy - with Baseball consuming 4 days a week, added to everything else we normally do, there is just no time left over. Tomorrow night we are going to be in South Tampa anyways for my birthday. My mother-in-law is making us dinner!! YEAH!! I can't wait. But if I go to the hospital after that it's going to be really late... maybe too late for visiting and also maybe too late for the kids to get home and get to bed. On top of that, I'm trying to shake the anger I feel over how Julie feels about everything I discussed in my last blog - trying to shake it so it doesn't affect anything I do or say to her. Trying is really the right word for it.

Katie told me that she went to see Julie today and that she talked to her about a lot of the things I said in my last blog. Julie really feels that if the kids were in foster care instead of my home, they would be at home with her right now not with me. She also said something about the money, but I was trying not to listen to whatever Katie said about that because I didn't want to get angry again. Katie also told me that Julie's feet and legs looked HORRIBLE. So bad that Katie went to a nurse to ask what the heck was wrong. The nurse said it was just a combination of being morbidly obese, high blood pressure and her diabetes. But Katie said it was AWFUL, and I'll take her word for it... I hate feet and I don't even want to see them. Katie tried to talk to her about the fact that she could lose her feet (given that she's a diabetic) but of course, Julie doesn't understand the possibilities of that. Sigh.... of course she doesn't.

A lot of people have mentioned how things are getting better for us. They really are - we have a routine around here now, the kids are more settled and realize they are going to be here next year (at least), the state is no longer involved which is a tremendous blessing on our schedule. But what has gotten harder is that Julie is so........ unable to comprehend or understand what is going on around her. It just breaks my heart. And since I'm no longer in the 'watch' mode I was in before.... and yet not really back in 'sister' mode either... I'm kind of-- in the middle, unsure of how to feel or what to do.

Keep Julie in your prayers please. And say one for the kids - for the boys and their grades! I leave you with this for today... I"m exhausted and it's after midnight which means - it's my BIRTHDAY!

Ecclesiastes 3

Time for Everything

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Good Sister?

Long time, no post, eh? I've just been very busy. With the hot tub, it's easy to just sit, soak, and let my troubles and worries melt away. :o) Yeah, I had to fit the 'hot tub' into the post somewhere... lol!

Things with the kids are going very well. Justin is in baseball, which consumes 4 out of 7 days a week until May. Kayte is doing super well in school and said that she is positive that she's going to get honor roll this 9 weeks. (End of the 9 weeks is tomorrow) Kayla is also doing well in school, maybe not honor roll - but much better than in the past. I am seriously doubting now that she is going to get to go on the Mission trip for church... she needs a passport and I've not been able to get her certified birth certificate. I'm STILL waiting for the State to send me documentation that we have permanent custody. Sigh..... If she doesn't go, we can plan it for next year I'm sure.

Julie is not doing so well. Well.... she SOUNDS good on the phone, but she's really not. Today they had a court hearing at the hospital and found her to be mentally incompetent. She's still at Memorial Hospital now and will be until a bed at the long-term treatment facility is open. Once she goes there, the 'average' length of stay is 6 months. Of course, Julie thinks she'll be out in a very short while.

Julie is also ---- I don't know what the word is -- mad? upset? She's not happy with me for several reasons. And this is tearing me up emotionally.

First of all, Julie thinks that I am keeping her kids for financial gain. That just sucks. Yes the kids do get money from Social Security... but am I profiting off them? Hell no!! I buy food, pay bills, pick up school supplies, medications, doctor visits, pay for baseball fees. If there is anything left over (I'm trying to save right now) we are going to put is aside for vacation in July with all of us. I don't go to movies and splurge.... I don't go out to eat... I don't get my nails and hair done. So... how am I 'profiting' off of them? Why would I keep them 'just for the money'??? And I feel just HORRIBLE that my sister feels this way.

But then I realize that it's NOT MY CHOICE to 'keep them'. The state said they had to leave Julie, and I took them in with welcome arms and a loving heart. Were they not with me, they'd be in foster homes. I love these kids very much... I'm doing everything in my power to keep them safe and happy. And their mom, my sister, keeps saying that I have ulterior motives? How much does that suck???

I'm trying not to let it get to me... but it's not working. Truth is... I'm miserable about it.

Truth be told, Julie is living in her own little world. She truly believes that she is not mentally ill and that she's going to get her kids back soon. Last time I talked to her, she said she was going to have them back in a year... and I called her Doctor to talk to him about it. I told him that.... if there was EVER a 'perfect time' for Julie to truly understand how next-to-impossible it really is for her to get the kids back before they are grown -- while she is in intensive in-patient and/or long-term treatment is the perfect time. He told me that he's tried to talk to her about it -- but Julie believes what Julie wants to believe.

Then mom says that getting the kids back is Julie's only goal. That... were that one goal to go away, surely she would try to kill herself. Well - Julie needs some new goals, in my opinion. Get better and stable first and foremost - mentally and physically. While in the hospital or long-term treatment home, set some smaller / achievable goals. Then she needs to evaluate her life and the men she brings into it... get away from the loser men that she needs just for companionship. If she needs someone to love on and hold... buy a puppy. Then work on keeping herself healthy. Good food. Good friends. Good job. Good decisions. Good morals.

I'd like to think that Julie could start making good decisions and keep herself out of the hospital long-term. But the blaring fact of the matter is... she hasn't been able to keep herself 'steady' without help of a doctor in ---- well ---- forever. That being what it is.... deal with it. Like I said before... she could get to the point where she had awesome visits for maybe 3 or 4 weeks, then she started to feel bad again. Rather than waiting until it was HUGE... just go and get the help she needs quickly and get back to 'normal'. Remember the whole 'redefining normal' thing I talked about??? And yet, when Julie thinks and talks about this... she points the finger at ME and thinks that I've done this to her. I'm to blame. It just sucks.

Mom tells me that Julie didn't want me to find out that she wasn't going to the group meetings at the hospital. She didn't want me to know because "it would hurt her when she tried to get the kids back". Sigh..... First and foremost... the fact that she isn't going to group is the exact problem for which she was just found incompetent. She doesn't know HOW to regulate herself in anything that she does. You can tell her what to do, but unless she HAS to do it for some reason or she's threatened somehow (ie: you have to do this to get your kids back) - then she'll do it. Second... it really doesn't MATTER what I think right now. What difference does it really make if I know that or not? As her older sister, I CARE that she's not going to therapy. And... frankly... that is ALL that I am right now... not the person reporting her to DCF... just her sister. Third... even IF she were on the 'right track' right now... the fact that she's lying and hiding things shows that she's not mentally healthy. There are things I know about that Julie lied about before, but it's in the past... it does no good to bring them up... it's non productive. I'm ready for her to be honest and truthful whenever she's ready. I can wait a lifetime...

I guess I can totally understand why Julie feels this way. By accepting the role I did, I agreed to report every single little thing to DCF. Now I'm out of that role and Julie just doesn't trust me. I understand it, but it still totally sucks. I keep thinking..... Will I ever be a good big sister again?????

I'm really down on myself over this whole thing, can you tell?? I keep thinking "it's not rational to try to rationalize with a mentally ill person". I know this. Yet.... I want so badly for this whole thing to be better. For Julie to be better in whatever way is possible for her. And... I want so badly for Julie to understand what the reasons are for what I am doing. There is not one single iota of a feeling of "self" in my raising her kids. I feel as if I have given them everything I have, and I know the kids appreciate it. I just wish Julie did as well.

Here's a funny story mom told me. Julie is in the hospital and she is bored. She asks mom to go to the store to get her some things. She want coloring books and crayons. Mom suggests even paint by numbers... "that would be great" Julie says. Maybe even some books, Julie suggested. You know, Judy Bloom kind of books. So mom goes to the store and gets what Julie wants. As she's walking down the isle, picking out "Hello Kitty" coloring books, crayons, and paint by numbers... she realizes that she is in the kid isle. And then she realizes that she's buying all of this for her 37 year old daughter. The books were middle-school-age kid books that Julie liked when she was a kid and still the only thing she will read. She said she literally laughed out loud over all of this. Too funny.

Yeah, I thought that little story might make me feel better, but it doesn't.

Hey..... 5 days until my birthday! Sheesh... that reminds me of how OLD I'm getting. 39? Me? Almost 40?? How did THAT happen??

I better run before I blog any more of my 'oh woe is me' stuff. Jeez... I really didn't mean to be a downer today. I'll leave you with this for today, and I'll read it ten times myself today:

Happiness does not have one definition.
It means something entirely different to each individual.
And happiness does not exist in only the big things in life.
It does not revolve around a new car or a million-dollar mansion.
Happiness can be found in a silly joke that makes you laugh every time you think of it.
It exists in a favorite old movie or television show you watch on a rainy Saturday afternoon.
It surprises you when you hear it in your child's voice as he/she tells you about their day.
Happiness is within you and all around you.
You never have to look too far to find it.

All Things Are Possible

Okay, you totally are NOT going to believe this.

Remember I've asked you all to pray for my Durango? The transmission has been going out on it. We're driving and it's stuck in first or second gear... the engine revving, rpm's going high, car just not moving fast or changing gears on it's own. Then when it finally shifts, it shifts HARD. Sigh....

I mean... heck... a couple weeks ago BOTH air conditioners in BOTH vehicles were broken and just... well... kind of fixed themselves.

Sure I was feeling a little guilty about getting the hot tub and not saving that money towards the eventual replacement transmission. But I just KNEW that it was God's plan. I met the folks and just felt something. I knew it... I trusted it... I believe in it. He always finds a way. And He amazes me all the time.

The hot tub was delivered on Monday afternoon... and on Tuesday morning.... the transmission began working properly. I know... I know.... that's impossible... it makes no sense.... it can't happen.........

Folks... it did.

I can't explain it... I don't know if it's just a temporary thing or if it's totally fixed and I don't think I care to know. In my gut... I feel it was God's plan all the time.

Sure it's just a hot tub... sure it's just a car.... but maybe the real 'test' was of my faith. Even in the moment... when it was happening... I felt (as did the people selling the hot tub to us) that this whole thing was God's plan. Then this happens. And still I sit here and marvel at the gifts... what seem to be miracles happening all the time.

Speaking of miracles... Kayla wants to go on a Church mission trip. Every year 50 of the high schoolers go to Mexico for a week. I've hardly ever seen her as excited about anything as I did about this trip. She needs a lot to make it happen... a passport by 6/1/07... the trip itself cost $800.... but they do have fundraisers to help raise the money for the trip. I've GOT to do what I can to help her go to this - if she's able to go. I just FEEL it... that I've got to try. I know, I know... mom is reading this saying "Tina, if she can't go, she just can't go - don't stress over it." Yeah I know... I just feel like I need to really try to make this happen.

The selfish part of me realizes that we are supposed to be going to the beach for a week that very next week (week of July 4th) and that we need to save money for THAT. After all, there are 6 of us... and TRUST ME when I tell ya, we NEED a vacation! But again, something is just telling me to push forward... and just try... have faith. So -- I'm trying. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If she goes, she goes. If she doesn't - the world won't end. :o)

I've got no real news on Julie. I realized on Thursday how emotional I am about the whole thing though... I asked the choir at church to pray for her and I thought I was going to break down and cry when Jason read it. And through this whole ordeal I've been very good about keeping my emotions in check. All smiles on the outside when on the inside I'm a wreck.

I'm worried about Thursday... I really hope that they declare her incompetent so that they can give the long term treatment a try. But then... I hate thinking that they might declare her incompetent. She's my little sister, ya know? I did hear though that Julie has now said that she was trying to get her blood sugar super high so that she would slip into a coma and just sleep for a long time - then wake up and everything be normal again; her mental illness gone, the kids home. Then in the next breath she says that she is not incompetent - that she's fine. Gosh my heart just breaks for her.

I really can't blog long tonight. I'm pretty tired and I've got to get the kids into bed. Please keep Julie and the kids in your thoughts and prayers. Say another one for Chris, Jono and I. Then remember to thank God for life's miracles. They happen every day!

"A little faith will bring your soul to heaven, but a lot of faith will bring heaven to your soul."