Julie's Visit To The Psychiatric Hospital

Friday night Justin's baseball practice was canceled, so the kids and I jumped in the car to go surprise Julie in the hospital for a visit from 6 to 8 pm.

Julie was very happy to see the kids. The visit started off badly, but went well after that.

Julie was extremely doped up. She did the 'Thorazine shuffle', moving very slowly and shuffling her feet as she walked. She was like... in slow motion... but of course she didn't realize it. We played a game of Uno and I swear it took no less than 5 minutes to simply shuffle the deck and deal everyone 7 cards. Her speech was a bit slurred but understandable.

There was one incident that I'm still struggling with. When I explained what happened to Chris, he said he felt it bordered on abusive. I'll tell you about it, and let me know what you think. Julie went into her room and came back out with some paintings she had done for the kids (paint by numbers). She had two paintings and three sun catchers. She gave Kayla one of the paintings and told her "this one will look so nice on your yellow bedroom wall." Kayla said "mommy, my bedroom is blue" and Julie said that she was talking about her bedroom at home. She then went on to say that she was giving the paintings to them now, but didn't want them to take them with them - she wanted to go out and buy frames and hang them in their bedrooms at home. Then she went on to elaborate how she had been working on their rooms so that they could come home soon.

I think it was everything that she was saying here in conjunction with Julie's drugged behavior, the fact that she was in a mental hospital and on her way to a long-term treatment facility, and that they had memories of visiting Julie at this same hospital with their dad when he was still alive.... the kids just lost it crying. Openly boo-hooing. We're talking that horrible cry where you just can't hold it in anymore and their little faces were covered with tears. Kayte was the worst and started the whole thing.... and Kayte kept saying "I miss you Mommy" and Julie just held her and told her that it was okay... that Kayte could come home soon. It was heart-wrenching horrible. And I was angry. Right there and then I wished I had never brought the kids to the hospital.

I said to Julie, "Why are you doing this Julie?" Mainly because I did feel that she was 'doing this' to them... it FELT like she was trying to get them to cry. Julie will read this and swear she was not, I know. It's just what it felt like to me. I told her that she knows what I feel, what the Judge said, what DCF said, everything. So why, I asked, do you say this?? Julie believes that the kids were crying because they want to come home. I've talked to the kids and I know that they were crying because they really do miss their mom... and because they know that she is just not mentally right and is not accepting what is going on with her.

The kids and I on the way home from the hospital talked quite a bit. We talked about how she just couldn't realize that she was never going to be mentally well enough to stay out of the hospital, stay healthy, and get them back before they were adults. I gave the kids a great analogy of what I felt was going on with their mom. I told them:

Do you remember when your dad was first diagnosed with the kidney disease and Leukemia. He was told he had 5 years to live... that he would NEVER recover and certainly never get better. I told them that their dad made the choice to live every single day as if he were not sick... as if it was the last day on earth and he wasn't going to let it get by without playing a round of golf, or going to school to learn a new career, or whatever else he did. (He was amazing) When he had to do dialysis three times a week, he didn't let it get in his way... he planned around it. He went to work at a hospital so that it would be easier on him and his time. It wasn't that he didn't accept the fact that he was going to die - because he knew it was going to happen someday. He just wanted to squeeze the life out of every single day that he had until it happened.

I told them that their mom has a somewhat similar decision to make. Most everyone knows that Julie can't stay out of the hospital, off narcotics, not get depressed or manic or whatever else, for any period of time. And because of this, most everyone knows that Julie's chances are slim-to-none of getting them back. She could choose to make the most out of every day... talking to them... planning on what she's going to do when she comes over for a visit... maybe working on stabilizing herself to be able to have unsupervised visits. But instead, her eye is set and focused on them moving back home. The 'nearly impossible'. In Julie's eyes... nothing else matters... NOTHING. There is no 'that's okay I'll do this'. It's like... there are no happy days until the kids are home. There are no goals other than the kids coming home. There is no reason to get herself better and healthier other than than it's one thing to do to get the kids to come home. There is nothing else that matters. And - I wish Julie had more in her life that mattered. I wish she knew that SHE was a special person with a big HUGE heart and that she alone was worth getting better for. Just for herself.

I went to church on Sunday - Chris and I sang on the praise team. It was a very emotional weekend for me... first this with Julie... Pastor Matthew had just lost his dad (the funeral was on Saturday)... and at Church they had this alter time... you can go up on bended knee and pray for whatever you need to pray about. But this time they also had Matthew stand on one side of the alter and Bill Atkinson on the other side (he's one amazing man) and you could go to them and ask them to pray with you. Oh how I wanted to go pray with Bill.... I wanted to lift Julie up in prayer. But I was already crying a little bit, and we still had a song left to sing... so I didn't go.

After the last service, Bill just happened to be up by where I had been singing after everyone left. I asked him to pray with me and explained why I was late in asking (couldn't do it in the service). Together we prayed. The message at church was about miracles... and I told Bill that - although I know God could take away her mental illness completely, that I would just settle for her accepting it as 'what it is' and for her to move on from there. Work on getting better within the confines of her 'disability'. I could elaborate here... but you all know what I mean. We prayed, I cried and cried and cried some more.

In the Bible, Jesus often performed miracles on those who truly believed. Julie, albeit a cradle-catholic, is not a religious person by ANY means. She has no relationship with God or Jesus. So then... I wonder.... can God then not help?? Are my prayers wasted??? Maybe wasted is a bad word.... but you know what I mean... when you pray for something and hope so much that something will come of it. Am I going to be let down by my hopes?

Julie keeps asking now about our 'next visit'... and I just don't know what to say. I'm whole-heartedly not looking forward to any other visits. I've asked the kids to write her things... draw things for her.... make a little box that we can leave with her next time so she has something to read every day from the kids. But that next visit.... soon??? Sigh.... I think no. I don't think I can emotionally handle it. And after she made the kids cry.... I'm a bit peeved by that whole thing. Although not so peeved that I don't realize that my sister is mentally ill and therefore doesn't think logically.

So many times I blog and I am certian of how to feel when I am done. But today... I'm not so sure. So... what do all of you think? Please post a comment and let me know.