Tina's Daily Blog: Time for Everything

Monday, March 12, 2007

Time for Everything

I guess I'm feeling a little better since my last post. We had a pretty weird weekend. Friday I received an email from an English teacher at Gaither High telling me that Justin was failing her class. Grrrrrreat. She says he is playing around and just not finishing his work. She said that he breezes through the A's, B's and C's, then when he drops down to a D she can tell he's working to make it up... but he's so disorganized he doesn't turn in work which brought him down to the F.

Then today I receive a phone call from another teacher for Justin... this time it's American Government - she tells me that he's doing okay academically (has a B, but could have an A if he only behaved). She tells me that he "has to learn how to control himself" because he will talk and talk and talk in class and it's not only disruptive to Justin, it's causing other students to not do well in class - and it's certainly not fair to them. Of course, Justin thinks this teacher is making it 'bigger than it is'. But we are pretty darn furious with him.

Oh, and last week we got a call from Jonathan's PE teacher. The teacher has been making them run in PE instead of doing whatever Jonathan thinks they are 'supposed' to be doing (I think it's Volleyball). Jonathan finally got tired of running every day and told the teacher something to the effect of "this shit it stupid" -- or something like that. But he got in big trouble for cursing at a teacher and had detention today at lunch because of it.

Sheeshhhhhhhhhhhhh

So the two boys are not doing so well in school - while the girls are doing great. Kayte is 99% sure she is getting honor roll this last 9 weeks (The 9 weeks ended last Friday). If she does get honor roll, she gets a prepaid cell phone. She's already planning her calls. Kayla has all A's, B's and C's and hasn't been on restriction ONCE this 9 weeks. She said she doesn't even remember the last time she went a whole 9 weeks and didn't get into trouble. Wow! I'm so happy for them.

Kayte asked me tonight if they ALL brought home A's, B's and C's on their last report card of the year (all four of them), could they have one helluva summer party. Chris and I totally agreed with that, although we feel it would be highly unlikely to happen. Jonathan almost always has D's... almost. But maybe the peer-pressure to do well will be good for them all. I certainly don't mind opening my house one Saturday as a celebration for good grades!

What else about this weekend? It was really crazy...

Friday after school, Kayte calls me at 2:55 pm and wants to know if she can spend the night over a friends house. I'm at work... doing - well, work!... I can't think about what's going on that night. I tell her that I'll talk to Uncle Chris about it and we'll let her know tonight. She says "no, I need to know NOW because her mom is leaving at 3 pm" (yeah, in FIVE minutes) "and she needs to know right away if she can go or not." I just HATE that!!! I let her go, but we are going to have to put a stop to the last minute "can I sleep over" thing. When Amanda was this age, we had a "Three-day rule" -- we had to know where she was going or she had to ask if someone could sleep over our house three days in advance so we weren't surprised. I think we'll modify it now to the "One-day rule". At least we'll have some notice.

Chris went to work on Saturday at 7 am and didn't get home until 1 am or so. Justin had a baseball game and we left the house about 9 am and didn't get home until 5 or so. But I took the 55 Chevy and that was just SO much fun to drive... it absolutely made my week. Saturday night Kayla went on a date until about 11 pm, Kayte left at 10 pm to go to "Midnight Madness" at the YMCA and didn't get home until after midnight. It was after midnight Saturday and I just couldn't take it any more and finally went to bed - leaving all the kids still up for Chris to deal with when he got home at 1 am. Course all of this was before the time change! Needless to say nobody was able to get up for Church Sunday morning. I hate missing Church!!

Things with Julie are still the same. I feel really bad for my sister Katie who has now become Julie's legal guardian. They call Katie all the time for things at the hospital... permission to give her medications and such. Katie hasn't really been 'involved' in Julie's mental illness much - she's been blissfully distant. You know what I mean.... she knows the big stuff but didn't get the daily calls from Julie when she wasn't doing well. Katie knew Julie was in the hospital only if mom or I told her she was. Anyways - all of that has changed now as Katie is the 'go-to' girl for Julie. Katie told me that she has a 3 page list of medications they have Julie on now - she's going to fax it to me so that I can help her figure out what it's all for.

I also feel really bad that I've not been able to get the kids down there to see Julie yet. It's been crazy - with Baseball consuming 4 days a week, added to everything else we normally do, there is just no time left over. Tomorrow night we are going to be in South Tampa anyways for my birthday. My mother-in-law is making us dinner!! YEAH!! I can't wait. But if I go to the hospital after that it's going to be really late... maybe too late for visiting and also maybe too late for the kids to get home and get to bed. On top of that, I'm trying to shake the anger I feel over how Julie feels about everything I discussed in my last blog - trying to shake it so it doesn't affect anything I do or say to her. Trying is really the right word for it.

Katie told me that she went to see Julie today and that she talked to her about a lot of the things I said in my last blog. Julie really feels that if the kids were in foster care instead of my home, they would be at home with her right now not with me. She also said something about the money, but I was trying not to listen to whatever Katie said about that because I didn't want to get angry again. Katie also told me that Julie's feet and legs looked HORRIBLE. So bad that Katie went to a nurse to ask what the heck was wrong. The nurse said it was just a combination of being morbidly obese, high blood pressure and her diabetes. But Katie said it was AWFUL, and I'll take her word for it... I hate feet and I don't even want to see them. Katie tried to talk to her about the fact that she could lose her feet (given that she's a diabetic) but of course, Julie doesn't understand the possibilities of that. Sigh.... of course she doesn't.

A lot of people have mentioned how things are getting better for us. They really are - we have a routine around here now, the kids are more settled and realize they are going to be here next year (at least), the state is no longer involved which is a tremendous blessing on our schedule. But what has gotten harder is that Julie is so........ unable to comprehend or understand what is going on around her. It just breaks my heart. And since I'm no longer in the 'watch' mode I was in before.... and yet not really back in 'sister' mode either... I'm kind of-- in the middle, unsure of how to feel or what to do.

Keep Julie in your prayers please. And say one for the kids - for the boys and their grades! I leave you with this for today... I"m exhausted and it's after midnight which means - it's my BIRTHDAY!

Ecclesiastes 3

Time for Everything

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, March 12, 2007

Time for Everything

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