Tina's Daily Blog: I Hate Manic Episodes

Friday, March 30, 2007

I Hate Manic Episodes

Sorry I've not been able to blog much this week. It's been pretty darn insane around here. These kids are so ding-dang active and it's hard to keep up with everything all the time.

I suppose my mood at the moment is just a wee bit down, but I can't really put my finger on 'why'.

I'm up to my eyebrows right now stressed. At home here we've been slam-jammed busy every single day and night... from baseball to a picking up a kid sick at school. Add to that the garage door broke again. (Chris already tried to fix it once) I don't know if any of you have priced fixing garage doors... but it's a lot. Calling someone in for repairs would be costly so Chris is going to do it. But the door is not at all a simple aluminum door.... it's 500 pounds of steel, track and machine; it's heavy and complicated. Chris is going to Jacksonville to work next week (has to work where he can) and so I'll be without him for 6 days next week... leaving every single thing the kids need up to me alone to get done. Stress........

Tonight for example... Chris is right now working - giving pricing for a side-job from a church member. Right after that Chris is going to South Tampa to help his mom move something heavy. Jonathan is going to babysit for a friend at about 6:30. Kayla is going to the Movies with her boyfriend at 7. Kayte is going to the mall with a friend sometime. Justin needs to be at baseball practice by 6. Chris should be home - I dunno... sometime after 9 I'm sure. Kayla about 10. Justin about 8:30. Kayte around 10:30 or so. And.... I've got to plan dinner around this schedule or else (and - no lie - this HAS happened) everyone looks at me at 10pm and says "what's for dinner?" UGG

Then Julie called this afternoon nearly in tears... she wants to see the kids - when am I going to be able to bring them? Darn good question... I really don't know. She truly doesn't understand how busy it is for me... and yet I have this guilty feeling in my gut for not doing 'something' more to be able to get the kids down there to see her. Julie said "if you just ask them if they want to go see their mom, they'll give up whatever it is they are doing to come and see me". And as much as that might be true, I don't feel like getting consensus from all the kids on who gives up what on what day. Plus... the kids say things to Julie that they really don't mean, for example, Justin said he'd miss a game... but I know for a fact he doesn't really want to.

Mom said she'd bring the kids to see Julie on Easter Sunday. Ah geez... Easter, I've got to cook! UGG. Anyways... mom said she'd bring them down there then because it's a holiday. I guess that would be fine, although the judge said I was supposed to be 'within eye or ear distance at ALL times'. He made it very clear. But.... right now... I really don't care. Julie needs to see them and I don't have the time or energy to get them all down there. If mom wants to do it, I'll let her do it, no problem.

The other thing was that Julie wanted Katie and my "permission" to go home. She's been in the mental hospital for "a long time" and she asked me........ "isn't this long enough??" I tried to explain to her what the lady talked to us about when we went for the meeting (when they wanted to send her home because her insurance ran out). I tried to explain that I was told that - what the work on at the hospital was making sure she didn't kill herself. What they work on in long-term-care was supposed to be changing her attitude... the way she deals with things... that sort of thing. You know; Julie's taking prescriptions however she wants to... eating whatever she wants to because 'everyone else can so why can't I?'.... her need for men companionship all the time. Again... this is what I was told they could help her with. Julie says she goes to group all the time there at the hospital. I've been told that Julie rarely goes to group meetings.

And finally, I told Julie that... it's not up to me. She said 'you wrote the letter and that was the reason they kept me'. I told her that I would ALWAYS have an opinion... right or wrong... I'm always going to at least have an opinion. Do I think Julie is ready to go home and begin taking medications correctly, taking care of herself physically and mentally? No. I think she is tired of being there and I totally understand that. However, that being said... I don't think she's going to go home and try to kill herself either.

Oh, and the funniest thing......... Julie, while being in the mental ward of the hospital, has found two new 'roommates' for her house. Two women who are bi-polar. Now... I think it's GREAT that Julie rent out rooms in her house. ESPECIALLY if it's women and not men. It gives her a little income (assuming she'd actually collect the money this time and not let them walk all over her as she has done every single other time in the past). It means she doesn't have to be all alone in the big house (again - not men, so I think it'd be good for her). But I don't know how the dynamics of the house would be with three bi-polar women under one roof. I told her she should think about that. Course she thinks it's going to be fine.... they are 'just as normal' as she is. I'm going to keep my mouth shut on that one! Julie thinks it would be a great support system for each of them, which could certainly be true. But I also think that, if one were to go downhill, the others may follow.

Okay, just got back from taking Justin to baseball practice. Julie called.......... again.

I hate it when she's manic. HATE IT. It sounds nice enough.... manic = good mood. But it's not that simple. It's not a 'fake' good mood... it's truly legit.... but ---- it's not 'real'.

Sigh.....

Unless you know someone that is bi-polar it's hard to explain. She is SO "up" right now.

Today she says that she is going to go home and begin to cook and eat right. She's going to exercise. Course just the other day she couldn't understand why she couldn't eat a big mac like everyone else and said that she would NOT stop eating like that. Nor would she stop drinking all that coke (10+ a day) because she 'has' to have it. And.... then she said it again and it made my heart break... "I'm getting my kids back". She said that one of the nurses there was going to sign a letter saying that she was mentally better. She then went on to say that the "court paper said that, in order to get my kids back, I have to manage my blood sugar." Well.... it's does NOT say that.... it says nothing about sugar. I didn't say anything to her... I wanted to throw the phone... that's what I wanted to do. Instead I just said that I needed to go. Sigh.........

I hate it when she's manic.

Good news......... let's think about something positive here............ Did I tell you that while I was visiting Amanda in Orlando I fit into her jeans? Yepper! Size 12 which is 10 whole SIZES smaller than last year at this time. Ten. Yes-sir-ee-buddy. Granted I left out the word 'squeezed' into the jeans, but they were on and if I do say so myself, looked pretty darn good. Lots more to go.... but it's a nice start for darn sure.

FRUSTRATING.... Kayla just told me that I need to drive her to her boyfriends house so that they can all go to the movies tonight (his mom is driving). The boyfriend is HERE at my house. I just sat down after taking Justin to baseball practice, which the field is right by Gaither High School. Now I need to drive them to his house -- which is guess where? Right by Gaither High School. Then turn around and go home. Rest for 30 minutes - and go BACK to pick up Justin from baseball practice 30 minutes or so later. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhh

I've got to run.... too much to do and I've got to get under control here. Maybe if I get everything settled and accomplished by 11pm tonight, I can sit in the hot tub and drink a nice LARGE glass of wine. Yeah.............. that would be nice. Four hours to go.............

One more thing before I go. I have a very good friend who is an avid blog reader of mine who has experienced a horrendous family tragedy involving her father. Her name is Debi and if you could please lift her up in prayer - even though you don't know why, trust me when I tell you that she needs it. I'm positive that God knows why. Please pray for Debi and her entire family as they struggle to deal with this tragedy. And, Debi, my 'lasagna lady', if you are reading this -- love ya!

Before you speak, listen.
Before you write, think.
Before you spend, earn.
Before you invest, investigate.
Before you criticize, wait.
Before you pray, forgive.
Before you quit, try.
Before you retire, save.
Before you die, give.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, March 30, 2007

I Hate Manic Episodes

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