Tina's Daily Blog: What's In Your Oven?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

What's In Your Oven?

Just didn't want to leave you hanging... I wanted to let you know that I didn't kill Kayla last night. We had a long talk with her, same thing as usual.

She told me that she has been off her Prozac for almost 2 weeks now. At first it seemed like that would explain everything. Then when I picked up the bottle to refill it, I see that I last filled 30 of them on 2/19.... so I'm really not sure what to believe actually. She told me that she thought she was just taking the pills to 'make her happy' and since she was already happy she didn't think she needed them. I reviewed with her what the diagnosis was that made her get on the pills to begin with... what OCD meant and how it described her inability to control herself and her actions. The medication is supposed to help with that. I thought it was working beautifully... and again... if she were indeed off the pills for 2 weeks it would totally explain her behavior.

Jimmie is doing much better. He had the heart cath, and from what I understand, there is a blockage that can't be fixed and they will need to monitor every 6 months.

Someone had mentioned in response to my last blog that I might consider the military for Kayla. I actually think that's a great idea in many ways. I don't know about a military school, but I like the discipline that the military would teach her. I've often told her that she'd make a great policeman or corrections officer. I don't really know why I think that... but I can just see her doing that kind of work.

The biggest reason I think the military might not be an option for Kayla is because it killed her father at such a young age. I am positive that it has to have some impact on what she thinks about the military. For those who may read this who didn't read the blog on that.... he went to the Gulf War at the age of 32. He was in his 6th year of military service. His work involved handling bombs in some manner. Little did we know at the time the US was involved with 'dirty bombs'. The effects of handling these dirty bombs gave him an incurable kidney disease and CML Leukemia. 6 years later he passed away. I am sure that knowing this, being involved as this unfolded, and the fact that it was her Daddy.... has to affect the way she views the military overall. It's an odd feeling for me actually. If he had gone over there and been shot and killed, there would have been more of a sense of heroicity to it. But to come home and die slowly because of it... somehow seemed less heroic. Albeit he still died for our country. So anyways... I don't know how Kayla would react to any kind of mention of a military school or career.

Julie called several times last night as well. It's soooo sad. She really wants to see the kids - but the problem is that visiting hours are from 6 to 8 pm and are strictly enforced. We would have to be there right at 6 pm. We have to say that Kayte is 14 (because at 13 she's not allowed to visit). And I would have to leave right at 5 pm after work to make it there in time since we are so far away from her and would have to deal with rush-hour traffic. The kids would have to go in one at a time because I'm supposed to be there to supervise each time. (Remember the judge said 'always within eye and ear-shot') We were planning to go to the hospital to see her on Friday night, but Justin has baseball practice. He originally said he'd miss practice to go and see his mom, but.... he's already missed a practice and a game this week and the coach is already fuming over it. So now he thinks he needs to go to practice (I'd agree with that).... after all, this is Spring ball and they are much more competitive than Fall ball. Saturday Chris and I sing from about 4 to 7 pm on the praise team at church. Sunday the kids have Church, which the might want to miss, but Kayla has to be there at 4 pm to practice to be on the dance team for the Easter service. Monday night is baseball practice again. Tuesday I might be going to a chorus rehearsal (more on that at a later time!) Thursday night is Choir night. Friday night is baseball practice. Saturday afternoon Jonathan has a quartet performance. Sunday again is Church. That leaves Wednesday as the only 'normal' night where we might be able to go out there. I honestly think that Julie just doesn't understand how crazy busy it is here. Although, from her point of view... sitting in a mental hospital 24 hours a day... she has nothing but time... and is probably going stir-crazy wanting to see the kids. (Pun intentional)

Okay... I feel like sharing another short story.

Chris and I were living together in a little duplex in South Tampa - just out of High School - not yet married. Amanda was 2 months old.... and it was the day before our wedding. Knowing that it was 'bad luck' to see the groom before the wedding, I spent the night with my mom and dad. Amanda was with me as she was just a baby. Chris, being a guy, of course had to have a bachelor party. They, of course, got rip-roaring drunk. I called Chris that night after he got in... and he passed out on the phone while I was talking to him. (All I heard was loud breathing). Yeah... they were REALLY drunk. Course he was only 18, so it didn't take much to make that happen.

We got married in my mom's back yard under my grapefruit tree... reception inside the house. From there we went to the Embassy Suites for one night. On the way we stopped at Burger King for dinner. After that we went to a time-share condo with Chris's mom and some others. We were gone for a few days.

I get back to the apartment, and the place is a MESS. These guys really were drunk, let me tell ya. Of course I clean up. Back then I didn't cook much... and when I did it was Mac and Cheese or Romain Noodles. Weeks after the wedding, I go to cook something in the oven. I turn on the oven and smell something -- open it up -- and I see Chris had dumped all kinds of DISHES and pots in the oven for some reason.... all of them filthy with food still on them. I might point out the odor... food on them... sitting for weeks.... then baked on.... yeah... good smell alright!

"Okay," I think, "I can clean this up!"

Back then I was the dishwasher... so I wash up all the dishes, dry them, and put them away. Chris returns home from work and I ask him why on EARTH he put all those in the oven. He said.... he was trying to hide them. He asks... "did you get all the vomit off them?" Whaaaaat???

He had vomited in the sink while really drunk... got it all over the dishes.... and didn't know what to do with them (but knew he didn't want to wash them).... so he just threw them in the oven to hide them and thought we'd just deal with them later.

Yuck - yuck - yuck!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Oh my God! I am rolling on the floor laughing. A flood of memories came rushing back. I remember waking up on my wedding day and thinking "Why do I have a phone in my hand? Why does my head hurt so much? Who thew up in the sink? Wait, I think that was me. I wonder what Tina will think when she gets home?" I know what to do. I'll just hide the mess!! Yes!! That's it!! Funny it didn't work then and no matter how much I try it still doesn't work today. Tina, you ALWAYS find my hidden messes. LOL.

Boy Tina, you went deep into your pockets to pull out that "story".

Love you sweetie,
Chris; 4:05 PM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, March 15, 2007

What's In Your Oven?

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