Tina's Daily Blog: That Damn Myspace!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

That Damn Myspace!

Lordy Lordy... where do I start today???

Friday at lunch I found out that Kayla has again created a 'myspace' account for herself. This time it wasn't as horrid as it was before... she wasn't using it to 'pick up guys' she was using it to keep in touch with friends and her new boyfriend. However, the rule was that she was NOT allowed on the internet at ALL. She knew it. She hid it. Then she lied.

I called her on Friday afternoon and asked her what her password was, and she said the account wasn't hers, it was a friend of hers account. She lied, and I knew it. I told her that I had read the profile and it said her name, that she goes by k-weezy and all about her. I was FURIOUS that she was lying to me!! She finally fessed up and gave me the password.

Come to find out... all the kids knew Kayla was lying and cheating by getting on myspace. Jonathan even recorded a video with his digital recorder of Kayla. Get this...

Kayla is sitting at the computer on her myspace....
Jonathan goes into the kitchen (there is a 'back door' to the office that comes out the kitchen). Jonathan sits and waits for what he knows is going to happen.
It's almost time for me to come home from work. Almost....
Justin opened the front door, slammed it and in his best "Tina" impression said "Hellooooo".
Sure enough, the camera catches Kayla darting out the back door, practically having a cow that she almost got caught.
I can't believe they all knew it and let her get away with it.

For now... Chris and I have decided to 100% take the computers away from all kids. No internet for any of them. No online games. No chatting. No myspace. Kayte - by far - will be the hardest hurt as she is on myspace all the time. But they have to learn. At first I felt bad that they were all going to be punished so that I could make sure Kayla doesn't go online. But once I got home and realized that everyone knew... I don't feel so bad anymore.

I sat them down Friday night to talk to all of them and told them.... "when I say "no computer" I absolutely mean NO computer. When I say "no TV", I mean NO TV. When I say "no phone" I absolutely mean NO phone." That I'm not just making rules for the fun of it. And I will not tolerate disobedience. I just won't tolerate it one bit. I've experienced one rule-breaking teenager... but try FOUR of them at one time. Give me gray hair, I'm telling ya. Funny, I just read a bible verse about that: Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life. Proverbs 16:31. Wow... I must have lived an extremely righteous life thus far! For that matter, Mom is the most righteous person I know. LOL Love you mom!

But ya know, what IS it with this Myspace right now?? Kids are HOOKED to it, and I simply don't get it. I mean, sure... I have one. But I don't LIVE for it. If you are not in someone's "top" list.... GASP! You must not really like them! Photos of these kids (mostly their friends) are HIGHLY provocative. They send stupid messages like "If you don't repost this, you are going to die within 2 hours". And..... sometimes I think they BELIEVE some of it! Even Kayte, who's myspace conversations mostly consist of "I'm bored, what are you doing?" and LIPGLOSS - how much she loves lipgloss. But it's got a grip on our kids - I'm telling ya. I'm not going to miss these kids being off myspace one single bit. I know what some of you are thinking... thinking of all the sting operations and such and how dangerous it is. I get that side of it too, which is why I monitor it all the time. But -- sheesh!

I want to get this off my chest in my blog, but I hate blogging about money (or lack thereof). I don't want anyone to think we are 'poor' or judge us by our priorities and where we choose to spend our money. But I'm stressed about it and want to get it off my chest. Sigh....

I had a little bit of money tucked away for our vacation we hope to go on in July. Not much... not the whole amount we'll need, but a good $600 I had saved already. This past week I.......... I just can't believe how much money we've spent. You ever have one of those weeks? Sure... a pipe broke upstairs and we had a plumbing emergency. Sure... we bought some flowers for the front yard (which we usually don't do). So I expected to use a little of it. But I was not expecting the food cost for a week of four teens on spring break. In ONE week, our food SPENT was $454.00. Not the 'one time a week big shopping' expenses... but rather the 'run to the store and get dinner for tonight, or milk and bread, or snacks', or whatever. Nearly every day getting something or another. It added up. Quick.

I suppose it's a blessing that I had it in the bank! Yes indeed... that is true. But it took the wind out of my sail today when I opened the bank account and saw it all gone. Like a kick in the gut, ya know? And again, I hate to blog about this kind of thing. It's just caught me off guard and has me a bit down. But... see... by blogging I now was able to type what a blessing it was that we HAD the money in there. Now I feel better. :o)

Okay, that's off my chest.... On to good news.....

Chris, Jono and I are all going to Amanda's house tomorrow. I'm VERY excited about it!! I can't wait to see her... and this is our first time seeing her Apartment in Orlando. Since Gene works at Disney, I think we'll be headed over there for a few hours, then we'll take the two of them out for dinner.

I'm also very happy that a friend of mine (from High School) sent me a Virgin Mobile phone to give to Amanda, along with $40 in prepaid minutes. FINALLY I can call my daughter and see how she is doing! Not wait until she comes online to chat! I'm very excited about that, and I know she has to be thrilled as well.

We'll be leaving all three kids home when we go up to see Amanda. Mom and Katie... if y'all want to call and check in on them, that would be great! I don't anticipate them getting into trouble, but they have certainly done so before. However, I'm not going to let it be a reason I don't go to see her! Oh, and if anyone from Church is reading this... we've decided to skip church tomorrow so that we can leave first thing in the morning to get up there to see Amanda. It'll make for a full day of fun with her... and I haven't spent any time with her since... well.... since we kicked her out of the house! Funny... looking back, Amanda and I both agree that our doing that was the BEST thing that could have happened to her. She's now living out on her own. Her own apartment. Her own bills. Wooooooowwwww. I can't believe my little girl is all grown up.

Speaking of calling and spending time with family... Julie keeps calling me asking me to please bring the kids down there to see her. She sounds so...... sad. Yet.... I can't just carve 4 hours out of my night once a week to get the kids down there. She has NO idea how busy we are. I hate putting her off and putting her off, but that's what I keep doing. I don't say "no, we are not coming for a while" because I don't want to hurt her. Instead I tell her I don't know when we can come. Which is true.... but it leaves her wondering every day and so she keeps asking. Course I also hate to go down there after our last visit. You know, the cry-fest. UGGGG

Well, Chris is gone to a Gaither's concert... and I've got to do something for the kids for dinner. I guess I better run. Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.
1 Timothy 1:15-17

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Saturday, March 24, 2007

That Damn Myspace!

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