Tina's Daily Blog: Joint Custody Recommended

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Joint Custody Recommended

Chris is finally home!!!! He got in about 4 am early Saturday morning. It's now noon on Sunday and the 55 Chevy is in the garage, the U-Haul is unpacked and has been returned, and life is slowly getting back to normal.

It's a little chilly here in Tampa today, and will be even colder tomorrow and Tuesday. I had a chance this morning to pull out all the winter clothes. The good news: Lots of my older and smaller winter clothes fit. I've lost about 45 lbs now, and it's pretty exciting. The bad news is that I quickly realized that Kayla, Kayte and Justin have very little winter clothes. This morning Justin said he had not one single pair of jeans he could wear to church this morning. He claimed all of Jono's were dirty (they wear the same size) and that he had none. After church, I went through Jono's drawers and he has plenty of clothes for he and Justin to share. This is good as it'll save me a costly trip to Target.

Speaking of Jono and Justin... they had a huge fight yesterday. No... fight is the wrong word. Sigh... here's what happened:

Chris got in and had a 51" Sony TV that he brought home from Doug's home in Tennessee. This thing is HUGE, and you just can't imagine how much it weighs. After getting it off the truck, we quickly realized it wouldn't fit in Doug's room in the ALF. What to do now? We looked throught the house trying to see where would could put this 51" Triniton beast. It wouldn't fit in the game room, wouldn't really 'work' in our bedroom, wouldn't fit in Kayla's room, won't fit in Jono's room, and the only room we could see that it would fit in just so happened to be the same room as the only one who doesn't already have a TV in there - Justin's room. So, we decide to put it in there.

Getting it up the stairs was no easy task. It took a dolly, Chris, and a strong neighbor to get it up each step one at a time. The thing must way 300 lbs or more. We didn't realize at the time that Jono was already........ emotional.

He had watched over the past few months as Chris coached Justin's baseball games - they were together for baseball practices or games at least 2-3 times a week. Justin was getting better grades than Jono was. Justin doesn't get in trouble for his behavior as much as Jono does. Earlier that morning, Justin had his FIRST base hit of the baseball season. He got to first base and everyone in the stands was cheering for him - everyone knew he'd struck out or been walked all season. After he touched first base, he did a kart-wheel. It was funny. He ended up getting 2 base hits and stole 2nd in the game. Justin was awarded MVP for the game... it was all very exciting for Justin and for all of us who watched him week after week.

It all came to a head as the television was put in place in Justin's room - I said something (again not knowing Jono was emotional) about Justin being the luckiest kid in Carrollwood at the moment, and Jonathan lost it, crying as he went outside. I followed him and tried to talk to him, but he didn't really want to hear from me. He felt as if his dad wanted Justin to be his son, not Jonathan. A few minutes into my trying to console him, he left and walked away.

I went to tell Chris what was happening, and Jono was gone. We got into the car to try and find him. He ended up walking to his friend's house (the Helbigs), and Denise called me to let me know he was there. She talked to him for a bit... explaining that what he was feeling was normal sibling stuff... that he didn't experience it with Amanda because she was 7 years older than he, but it WAS normal... she also told him to try and think about Justin - that no matter WHAT happened one thing was for certain, Justin was NEVER going to have a father ever again. Denise called us and we went to pick him up. Chris talked to him some and they reconnected.

Everything is better now, we just need to be more conscious about Jonathan's feelings from now on. Poor little guy.

Oh -- BIG news on Julie getting the kids back. She called me on Friday night and told me that the psychiatrist had finished his comprehensive exam and that he had recommend she 'try' custody in a joint-custody type setting. I really don't know any more than that as I was unable to reach Jay, the DCF guy. I called him on Friday and he's not yet called me back. Her court date is on Tuesday and I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Julie thinks she'll get unsupervised visits on Tuesday. At the last staffing, they told us that at the court hearing the judge would probably say that they will go with whatever recommendations come out of the staffing. If the psychiatrist said Julie could parent again, they would hold another staffing and decide on unsupervised visits.

I'm really upset about the words "Joint Custody"... I'm not sure what he meant by that. If he means that Julie can take the kids home on Thursdays thru Sundays as some joint custody cases in divorces - I'm seriously opposed to that. Visits, yes. Eventually weekend visits, yes. But joint custody... what does that mean??? I really don't know.

I know one thing for certain, I want to get my hands on that report and see what it says exactly. As mom so quickly reminded me... sometimes Julie hears what Julie wants to hear. So... for now... I wait and see.

I've got to run as I have clothes to do, a house to clean, and shopping to get done, but I found this and thought it was very appropriate as we head into Thanksgiving.

BE THANKFUL

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Joint Custody Recommended

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