Tina's Daily Blog: No Such Thing As Coincidence

Thursday, November 16, 2006

No Such Thing As Coincidence

I don't have long to post. I just got in from Choir rehearsal and need to get the kids into bed. But I realized I hadn't blogged in a couple of days and thought I should update you on a couple of things before I forgot.

Julie had a visit on Tuesday. Originally she was going to work, but somehow she got off, and she called and asked about coming over. I was supposed to go to Chorus, but figured with Chris out of town, it was probably best that I stay home anyways. She really wanted a home-cooked meal... said the last home cooked meal she had was the last one I made for her over a month ago. So... I cooked and she had a visit.

The visit went okay. After her visit, I sent her this email which kinda sums up what happened at the visit. Warning, I tried to ** out the profanities, hope I didn't miss any. And yes, to those of you who know me from Church, I do listen to ALL kinds of music. Christian, Barbershop, and even Rap/Hip-hop. Call me odd... I know..... Anyways, here's the letter:

Julie, I wanted to express some of my feelings to you on things that you and I do not agree on. If and when you get the kids back, it will be a transition and I think it is very important that you and I agree upon a parenting style, so that they don't go to your place and act one way, and another way at my house.
1) That music. Julie... I love rap just as much as you and the kids do. I listen to 98.7 and 95.7 all the time. I sing along to Fergie, Bow Wow and Ludacris. My problem is with the music that has extreme profanity in it. In my opinion there is absolutely NO reason any kid under 18 should be listening to music that says words such as "Mother fu**er" and "nigger" and other profanities. Here's one I found: I ain't got no mutha fu**in friends, Thats why I fu**ed your bi*ch, You fat mutha-fu**a. If Justin, Kayla or Kayte are listening along to it, don't you think they are more likely to SAY those words often? And.... WHY is it that they feel like listening to it? Maybe because their mom does??!! When the music on the radio is just fine and is what everyone else is listening to. I don't think I'm being a prude here... I think that music is offensive. When I told Justin to get rid of the CD, you said you wanted to take it home and listen to it. You stated that you are an adult and can "do or listen to whatever you want". Well... that's not totally true, not when you have kids to raise. Your FIRST obligation should be to their welfare... raising them from good kids to good and productive adults. If that means you don't listen to songs that have "mother fu**er" over and over again in the lyrics for 4 or 5 years until your kids are grown and out of the house, then so be it! You've got how many more years left on this earth? 50 - 60? And so you give up the next 4-5 to help them be better people. You bet I think you should. And Julie.... if YOU see nothing wrong with letting a 13, 14 and 15 year old kid listen to those lyrics, it's really not good. Not only would most every adult agree with me, it's the law that they can't even PLAY it on the air in a country where we ALLOW freedom of speech. What does that tell you? It should tell you that it is very wrong. And if your built in 'guidance system' doesn't tell you that... then there are still problems.

2) When the kids tell you something like - they don't care what kind of pants they wear and/or they like the music they are listening to here.... don't SHOOT THEM DOWN... for God's sake Julie, listen to them and enjoy it. Gwen took Kayla and Kayte shopping at Target while she was here and they LOVED it. They bought pants there. Would they PREFER to go to Platos closet, I'm sure they would. But you have it in your head that they HATE wearing clothes that aren't brand names. Please understand that I'm not saying that they shouldn't wear designer clothes. Plato's closet is wonderful and cheap! It's just the way that you immediately jumped in and swore that you KNEW they hated other kinds of clothes. Even IF they USED to be like that... they CAN change. Not saying they were like that and they have changed, I'm saying it's possible. It's also totally possible that they DO enjoy the music we sing and listen to at Church. Heck, I like it and I still like Ludacris. You are so quick to say that you know exactly what they like and dislike. Instead of jumping in that quickly, please just try listening to them. No doubt I fully believe the kids HAVE changed from being at my house. You see them maybe 2 hours out of 168 hours in a week. You don't see everything I see.... just keep an open mind.

3) You keep assuming the kids are going to be bad when they come back with you. Justin missing the bus. Kayla breaking out of the house. The kids have had a LOT of problems since moving in with me, but these are not any of their problems. Why assume they are going to be bad? Have you thought about how that makes them feel?

4) Speaking of how they are going to feel... you and I have both been guilty of talking to them a lot about them going home when we don't have the report in yet from the psychiatrist. We are putting the cart before the horse... the psychiatrist needs to get the report to Hillsborough Kids before we know for sure what is going to happen. I'm sure the report should be out soon... but I wanted to mention that I've noticed both of us doing it and I know that we BOTH are not 'allowed' to do so.

5) I should say that I think you are doing GREAT. No drugs. No cutting. No depression. It's just awesome. Telling Kayla that she can't use your phone last night was very mature of you. I would like to think that you did that because you knew she was on restriction and NOT because you thought her doing it would get you into trouble. But you have really done well Julie and I am very proud of you.
6) Your working. It's awesome that you are working Julie. Personally (as your sister only), I think you are working too much now, but you are an adult with no kids at home and can do whatever you want to as far as working. But I do hope that you fully realize that you CAN NOT work that much when the kids come back with you. You will need to work - yes sure. But you can't put in that many hours and expect the kids to take care of themselves. When the kids moved in with me, there are lots and lots and lots of things I had to give up. Someone needs to be home to clean the house/make sure chores are done, someone needs to cook them dinner, someone needs to check their homework and help them study for tests. Someone needs to listen to how their day was and be there as they talk about how a friend was mean to them or a boy likes them. Someone needs to drive them to football games in high school. Someone needs to drive Justin to practice (baseball/football/whatever). Does Circle K know that your hours are going to greatly change if and when the kids move back home?

So... shortly after sending that email to Julie, she quit her job. She said she was at home, getting ready for work and had a horrible panic attack. She took TWO Xanax and called her boss. She said that she realized that she could NOT work 10 hour days 7 days a week anymore. She doesn't need to work that much... the Circle K where she works has only THREE employees, so they work them every day instead of hiring anyone else.

The downside of Julie quitting her job means that she has a LOT more time. Time to do things that she might not need to do. Oh... and my favorite... time to join us for Thanksgiving dinner. Oie! As it turns out, now Julie, her roommate (an 18 year old girl), and her roommate's baby are coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I have no qualms what-so-ever with Julie coming over. It'll be emotionally exhausting as I have to 'supervise' the whole time... but in the 'spirit of the season' I don't have a problem doing that. But the added drama of her roommate and the baby... not sure I'm emotionally up to that. We'll see how it goes. Say a prayer for us on Thanksgiving, will you?

More updates... Chris will be heading home from Tennessee tomorrow (yeah!) with the 55 Chevy (double yeah!) and a u-haul packed with stuff from Doug's house. His cousin, William, is moving into Doug's place and is going to help fix it up. That'll be really good for us. Sure, it would have been nice to get it fixed up and get it rented or sold right away... but the Lord has other plans. Coincidence that the one house they went to that night was Uncle Roberts where their son just so happened to get a job at a factory in Lewisburg (a town of roughly 10,000 people), and just so happened to need a place to live. Coincidence? I don't think so!

Okay, it's about 9:30 and time to start gearing the kids up to go to bed! Let the yelling and the fighting begin! LOL

I leave you with this....

You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.
Sarah Ban Breathnach

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, November 16, 2006

No Such Thing As Coincidence

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