Tina's Daily Blog: Convenient Memory Loss

Friday, November 03, 2006

Convenient Memory Loss

I forgot to tell you something about the visit with Julie on Wednesday night. We were in the car and Julie said something about last Christmas. She said to the kids "Ya'll said Christmas last year was good, but I remember it being horrible. You didn't really have a good Christmas last year did you? Because I really want to have a good Christmas for the first time WITH you guys THIS year." The kids laughed, and asked her if she was serious about last year - saying that it was great. They felt good, (they were safe), and that some nice family from the Church bought them gifts. Then the kids actually said "the only part that was bad last year was when we were with you."

Sigh.............

What do you say to that?? I mean... it was true. In talking to Julie I realized that she had completely forgotten anything that happened last year. She didn't remember sleeping in all morning and afternoon. She didn't remember yelling at the kids. It's sad really. She said that she was terribly 'depressed'. I don't really think she was depressed, I think she was drugged. At that time she was still smoking pot and she took her medications to 'feel' however she wanted to feel... drugged... numb... sleepy... etc.

But in the car... in this conversation... she was pushing the kids to tell her that they didn't have a good time last year. Now... I'm an adult and I don't need their validation to know or remember how great last year was. But I don't want Julie to 'take' this memory away from them either.

Should I write her and tell her exactly what happened last Christmas? Should I ask that my mom or Katie talk to her about it instead? Hmm... I like that idea better actually. Because, it's a little awkward when I was the one here last year and I'm going to be the one here again this year.

I understand that she was in a 'fog' last year, I understand it was not good for her. But I don't want her to try and take that AWAY from the kids either. I am 100% positive that she was trying to manipulate the conversation the other night to get the kids to tell her that they did not have a good Christmas last year. But ya know.... it is what it is. And - frankly - she was horrible last year. This will be a great year for Julie, I'm sure of it. She's going to have a blast watching her kids on Christmas morning... eating dinner Christmas afternoon... all of it not in a drugged fog. I'm SO excited for my sister to experience this!

Katie or mom... will one of you guys volunteer to talk to Julie about it.... help her remember and ask her to please not take it away from the kids????

It was a little crisp out this morning... probably in the 70's with the high today in the 80's (which is cooler than the 90's!) -- so I've got my Christmas music on at my desk at work today. There is a window in the door in front of me and I can see outside. When nobody else is here and I feel like making it somewhat like winter here... I can turn the AC down making it nice and cool in the office - look outside - and pretend that it's chilly outside as well. Ah... the fun of a Florida winter! LOL

And on comes "Christmas Shoes". The song that used to make me cry every time I heard it back when I was ill and thin and couldn't eat. I sit here now with more weight on me, stomach touching my forearms as I type - but happy knowing that I'm going to be here to care for my kids and their kids in years to come. And now the song is at the part where he gives the kid the money to buy the shoes for his sick mom.... It's funny how many good feelings are tied to Christmas. The world would be so much of a better place if we all lived like that every single day. Why only around the holidays do we think of doing these kinds of wonderful things?

I had an uncomfortable experience with the chorus (Toast of Tampa) a few minutes ago. I had agreed to take over the "Members Only" portion of the website. However, there is another section of the website that is for visitors. I was on the phone a couple of days ago talking to the chorus president and she talked to me about doing this part of the website as well. I said I didn't mind... as long as it's something I can do in my spare time when I'm not at home, it was fine with me. She sent an email to me, another management team member, the director and apparently the person who was resigning from this job because of 'life issues'. In this email she was confirming that Tina would be taking over the job. Well... apparently the woman who was resigning wasn't really resigning from this particular job and she sent an email back to all of us in which she expressed how very upset she was. Yes, I now remember what it was I didn't like about the chorus before! The politics and trying to keep 120+ women happy. It'll drive any person insane as it's just not possible to do! The good thing about my leaving the chorus for 2 years and then coming back is that I'm now able to say 'yes' to what I want to do and 'no' to what I don't want to do!

I have continued to pray about chorus and what to do about Calgary next year. I've decided that I really don't care. I enjoy Tuesday nights very much, and I'm going to continue to go on Tuesday nights and sing my heart out. If the director or my section leader knew I was not thinking of going to Calgary, they'd probably be a little upset. But ya know, it's not about them, it's about me. I'm doing what I can do. And that has to be good enough. :o) Do the possible and leave the impossible to God, right?

That's all for today... I've got to run. Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, November 03, 2006

Convenient Memory Loss

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