Tina's Daily Blog: Help Me Out Lord

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Help Me Out Lord

Where to start with this post............. I feel as if the walls around me are caving in and it almost takes my breath away I'm so upset.

Yesterday, after my blog I was home getting ready for the big work thing I had going on that night. The phone rings... it's the high school. Surely they are calling about Kayla, right? No.... it's the vice principal calling about Justin... he set off a fire alarm and is being suspended and possibly thrown out of Gaither High School all together. WHAAAAATTTTT?? To tell you my heart stopped would be an understatement... I couldn't believe my ears. He tells me that he needs to call the school board to see if they are going to allow him to ever go back to Gaither again, but at a minimum, Justin will have out of school suspension for 10 days.

My next few phone calls were to Dottie (Justin's Guardian Ad Litem), Jay (from DCF), mom, Katie, Chris and Julie. Jay I left a message with, but this time he did call me right back. Sigh.....

I'm talking to Jay.... and I tell him about Justin. Then I tell him what I've been calling him about for days now.... I'm worried about Julie. I explain that she is in the hospital now (ER), and this is her 3rd trip in less than a week. She now has the four controlled substances in her home in less than a month. And that I was very worried that she was slipping back into depression - when she's not at the emergency room or eating, she's sleeping. Here's what Jay told me in an EXTREMELY matter of fact kind of way: Julie can go see any doctor she wants to see, take any medication she wants to take and go to the hospital any time she feels like it and it doesn't matter. It's a medical issue and there was nothing he could do about it. WHAT?? So I told him, Jay... it's in her CASE PLAN that she is not allowed to do this. She is to go to ONLY her primary care physician, psychiatrist or therapist... and the emergency room for ONLY life threatening emergencies and only when approved by her doctors. Even then, her medications would need to be prescribed by her PCP or psychiatrist. He told me.... I was wrong, it was not in her case plan. Furthermore, the whole time he was talking to me, he was distracted by other people talking to him in the background. When he was done chastising me, he asked for Julie's number.

To say I was upset would be an understatement. After I hung up with Jay, Dottie called me back and I told her what had happened. She told me that she had Julie's case plan in front of her and that for sure Jay was wrong. We also talked about Justin... and about how we needed to find out why he did what he had done.

I Julie calls me and tells me that Jay called and told her that "her sister keeps calling him every day saying that every day Julie keeps going to the hospital." And that "there are obviously 'issues' with you and your sister and you guys need to work them out between yourselves and not get me involved." I was LIVID that he told her this.

Chris and I head to Orlando. Poor Chris is trying his best to 'be there' for me and I felt just so................ horrible. I decided to call Nick and talk to him... and the message I left him was that if I was not happy with his resolution to my issues, I wanted to file a formal grievance with his department. Needless to say, he called me RIGHT back.

We talked for quite some time. He told me that Jay was new and that - obviously - he didn't handle things with "his relative caregivers" very well... certainly not the way he "should have" handled it. I told Nick quite plainly... I was told that I was to be the 'eyes and ears' and that I was SUPPOSED to tell them when things with Julie were good AND bad. I told Nick to TELL me if I'm not supposed to call Jay. If I'm supposed to call someone else, TELL ME who. If I'm not supposed to say anything to anyone, then tell me THAT! But don't tell me one thing then chastise me for doing what I was told to do.

I told him over and over again that - I didn't KNOW for sure that she was doing something totally WRONG, but for SURE I was worried about her. For sure I see her slipping into patterns that have, in the past, sent her into a downward spiral. Nick said that a lot of the things Julie is doing right now is indicative of someone who is on something or seeking medications. I told him that I had talked to Dr. Vergeese who was also very concerned and hadn't seen her in a while. (Nick said he wanted to speak with Vergeese and asked me to please call Vergeese and tell him to call Nick. Great... more middle man stuff!)

Nick said that when I was concerned, I was supposed to talk to Jay, the CARE MANAGER, and tell him how I felt. That Jay should handle it nicely and look into things. Not shut me down, tell me I'm wrong, then call Julie and complain about my calling him. It was very good that he called, I felt much better.

Then we find out what happened with Justin. He didn't actually PULL the fire alarm, he lifted the clear box OVER the fire alarm and the 'box alarm' went off. If he had pulled the fire alarm he would have been expelled. Because it was just the box alarm, they are giving him 10 days of Out of school suspension. They've asked us to take him to this place called "A.T.O.S.S." Which stands for Alternative to out of school suspension. It's where kids from elementary school to high school can go if they are suspended and don't want to FAIL. It's a 20 minute drive from the house, and he has to be there from 8am to 2pm for the next 10 school days. They give him busy work, but he misses all of his classwork and tests that the rest of his class is doing. In return he's not counted as 'absent' and he is able to make up his final exams (which are in a week or so). If he stayed home instead of going to ATOSS he'd be counted as having 'unexcused absences' and he would not be allowed to make up the exams. Justin still claims he didn't lift the box maliciously... he was just curious and didn't think anything would happen. Guess the other 3 kids learned a good lesson there - they now know NOT to do that in the future! The hardest part of Justin's ATOSS is going to be getting him to and from the place every day. 2pm really cuts into a day... if Chris is working he's got to stop and take an hour break in the smack-dab middle of the day to pick him up. I've decided to try to move my lunch that was from 12-1 every day to 1:30 to 2:30 for as long as I can. Hopefully the bosses won't mind. December is a slow month for us anyways.... but I know they HATE it when nobody is here to answer phones.

I did call Dr. Vergeese and tell him Nick wanted to speak with him. Vergeese told me that he had left so many message (that were never returned) with Jay that he assumed Hillsborough Kids (DCF) was 'no longer involved'. So... I've given Nick's number to Dr. Vergeese and Dr. Vergeese's number to Nick. Hopefully the two of them will talk and straighten the whole thing out.

The end result of all of this is: Nick is going to talk to Jay and will look into what's going on with Julie. Julie has said that she's simply not ever going to tell us when she goes back into the hospital. And Justin is on lock-down restriction at home while he is suspended from school.

I suppose I should feel better with all of these resolutions... but honestly - I don't. Mom said earlier that I should try to just forget worrying about Julie and don't tell DCF anything else. Yet... I'm not really allowed to do that per their own rules - not to mention I don't know that I COULD just 'not worry' about her.

Then there is the part of me that is pissed.... pissed that Julie will probably still be in BED at 2pm this afternoon (and every afternoon for the next 2 weeks) while I have to take off work to go and pick up Justin. If she were working and couldn't do anything, that might feel differently. Of course, she still isn't ALLOWED to do anything like that anyways... she can't see the kids without supervision so she couldn't pick him up even if she was available and willing. So I suppose I just need to let go of that and not be angry about it.

My prayer today....

Help Me Out Lord

Out of resentment.
Help me see the glorious possibilities, not be angry with my sister because of what is or what could have been. Help me see the beauty of your plan.

Out of confusion.
I just don’t understand my life. Why have you allowed this to happen to me? Why have you allowed ME to happen to others? Am I supposed to be miserable? Am I supposed to make a difference? Am I supposed to simply stay out of the way or am I to get involved in your plan? Lord, help me to see your will for ME. Help me to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; To love you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength; To love my neighbor as myself; To love as you loved me and gave yourself for me.

Out of self-pity.
Poor me. Life has really been rough lately, and I just don't deserve all the hard things that have been thrown at me lately. But really... has anyone suffered as you did? And you didn’t even deserve it. Help me to look beyond this light, momentary crisis, to the eternal glory, purchased for me by your son Jesus Christ.

Help me to look to Jesus, my merciful and faithful Savior, whose prayers, offered in the Spirit, are always heard by the Father.

Help me out, Lord. Help me out.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Help Me Out Lord

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In A Nutshell: