Tina's Daily Blog: Joy Is A Choice

Friday, November 10, 2006

Joy Is A Choice

We've been insanely busy... so busy that I don't even know where to start with this blog.

Thursday was an average but busy day. I took the morning off work to take Justin in to get his filling because his tooth had broken. They took care of that pretty quickly (warning me that he was close to needing a root canal and they hope the filling will suffice). Then I took Jonathan to the doctors - he had been complaining of stomach pain the past couple of days... waking me up on Wednesday and Thursday night in pain. When I examined him I saw that the pain was coming from a tight lump over his belly button which I was afraid might be an umbilical hernia (I've had this before). But, the doctor thinks it's just a pulled muscle as it's pretty small to be a hernia - but said we'd know if it got bigger if it were a hernia instead. So... $35 to be told 'wait and see'... perfect.

I went to work Thursday afternoon and worked my buns off. 4:55 I get a call from Annie from the Children's home (she is meeting me tonight just after 5). She's at the house early. I leave right at 5 to go home to meet with her. Pest control guys are at the house when I get there - which is a whole other story for another day. Finish with pest control and meet with Annie. She takes a history on the family for their records (we talked for about an hour). I still don't know what it is that they can do for us... but anything at this point would be great. At a minimum getting Justin therapy for free would be extremely helpful.

Everyone ate dinner and the kids were getting ready for bed. Someone mentions the 'smell' in the house. I smell it as well... it smells electrical. Not good. Everyone begins to search the house to see if we can pinpoint where its coming from. Open the closet under the stairs and a puff of smoke bellows out and the smell of burning electrical is extremely strong. Chris takes a look... it's the water heater. He removes some cover that exposes some electrical wires and there's water all inside the thing. Not a lot of water... but enough to short out all the wires that were in there. Must have been leaking for a while because the water was a dark rust color.

I should mention here that hot water, which I have always thought of as a luxury, is really not all that much of a luxury. Holy COW having no hot water is terrible. Showers in particular were not so great this morning. You know what they say.. "You don't know how much you'll miss it until it's gone".... yeah... that's very much true!

So.... today we are trying to replace a 50-gallon water heater. Just what I need when I'm already stressed about Christmas, right? Jeez Louise. The good news is that Chris should be able to replace this himself. The bad news is that this is $350 that we weren't counting on needing to spend. Sigh............

So - speaking of Chris - tomorrow is his BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday honey! (LOL, he hates it when I use underlines, italics and bold) He'll be 39! THIRTY NINE. Wooow. We really have no plans for his birthday - the high schoolers will be on a church RV trip, Jonathan will be out at noon for an afternoon performance and we are meeting him for a party he's singing at later that night. The evening party is catered (a 50th wedding anniversary) so dinner is covered. I just wish I could so something for him for his birthday. He's been dying to see a movie - we haven't been to the movies in probably a year.

I feel really bad because for my birthday he did something really special - invited my family and my best friend to have dinner at my favorite restaurant - Carrabas. When I returned the house was PARTY CENTRAL with balloons and streamers everywhere. Sigh.... but we'll be gone all night on his birthday night. So... I don't know WHAT to do for him. :o(

Okay - enough of my sobbing - water heater and birthday woes - bah humbug. Let's talk about some great stuff happening in the Rho-cchini house!

We are excited about going to Evie and Jimmie's house for Thanksgiving dinner. (Chris's mom and step-dad) Evie always makes AMAZING dinners. About a month ago the kids asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving. My plan was to stay home and make a turkey dinner myself. I mean... a family of 6 shouldn't invite themselves anywhere - that's a lot to feed. But the kids asked about going to Evie's house, saying that they had always 'heard' about her Thanksgiving and had never experienced it. I asked Evie, and she agreed to make her amazing meal. Funny the kids used the phrase 'experienced' when it comes to this dinner because it really is an experience. She doesn't make just Turkey, stuffing, green beans and potatoes. Oh no, not Evie. Her list of items are pages long. That's right... pages. Not cooking much myself (before I got all the kids) just looking at her list used to give me heart palpitations. I'll blog after the dinner and let you all know what was on the menu. Trust me... if you don't personally know my mother-in-law you are not going to believe what all she makes. She's an incredible cook, an amazing giver - giving of her time, talent and anything else she thinks you might need, and did I mention an incredible cook? Yeah.... I can't wait for the kids to have this 'experience'. And - Evie - if you are reading this... you really are all that amazing for opening your home to all of us this Thanksgiving. I love you.

Kayla Justin and Kayte's grandmother Gwen wrote and asked me to tell her what the kids wanted for Christmas. I gave her the list and told her to just tell me what she was going to get so that I could get the rest. She's getting EVERYTHING on Kayla, Justin and Kayte's list! That's right folks, I said everything! I'm still not completely believing it... but I guess time will tell. I told you she was a remarkable woman! She's also getting Jonathan the shoes he asked for. Very very nice indeed. This still leaves me worried about Jonathan feeling a little 'less' - but we're just going to talk about the great stuff here, right! Right. Moving on....

So I was thinking yesterday how much God does things and how often they are totally NOT what you'd expect Him to do. I mean... last year the 'angel' getting the kids their Christmas was unbelievable. This year, sure - I was thinking it would be great if that happened again - but God had other plans. Julie is buying her kids (and some for Jono) things. This is HUGE when you think about where Julie was mentally last year. Doped up... incoherent... unable to even sit up for an hour. This year she's working and drug-free. WOW! Then I was concerned because Julie was buying the kids whatever she wanted, not asking them what THEY wanted. Did I pray about this, you BET I did! How does God respond? Grandma Gwen has stepped up and offered to fill their Christmas lists. Hmmm... that God... he's one amazing God isn't he?

He amazes me all the time.

I better run. Time to go home to the water heater fiasco. I'll leave you with this for today:

A happy person is not a person with certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with certain set of attitudes -Hugh Downs

YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO CHOOSE ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!!

Why don't you choose 'JOY' as your choice?

The happiest things in the world are not things, they are just emotions. Everybody aspire to live their life happily to the fullest, but many times situations go wrong and expectations invite worries. Happy, Jovial, Joy, Ecstatic - no matter how you say it - a feeling of joy is uplifting and satisfying. It's a state we all want to be in, but too many of us don't know how to experience the joy.

What will make you joyful and happy? Finding the perfect job or spouse? A shiny new car? Your dream house? Even things which appear to create joy have their downsides.

Every human being wishes to be happy, but the metamorphosis of the mental perception towards being with happiness should be the ultimate choice. You can change yourself by changing the way you feel. So, try not to look at change as an impossible task. But remember, we do all have the choice and the power to change IF WE WANT. Explore the happiness that is lying within you always.

After GOD created a human being with all the emotions, he was searching for the place to keep the happiness, thinking that by default happiness may not have the purpose of creation. Other administrators suggested him to keep Happiness at the peak mountain of Himalayas and somebody said it is easy for them to find and achieve, then other proposals like hiding in to the deep see, locking in the rocky den was also denied by the god, because they seems to be easy. Then an intelligent proposal emerged in to the god's mind to keep the happiness within the human being. Since then the man is searching around the world and trying to find the 'Joy' with things, relationships, expectations, money, power and other tangibles.

Joyful people take responsibility for their own happiness. Joy is a choice. A small flower at our garden, Baby's smile, Sunrise like simple beauties of life also can bring happiness to our life provided if we have attitude. You can create joy when you change your faulty beliefs and thoughts. Joy is more than happiness, health and wellness. The good news is that we all have room for change and can do it by checking our responses to the world and different situations in our life. Love unconditionally, reduce self-interest while developing your social interest and self-help to be at peace and have positive perceptions.

Wishing, hoping, feeling and being with joy is the complete purpose of life.

I wish your only choice would be to WORK WITH JOY.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, November 10, 2006

Joy Is A Choice

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In A Nutshell: