Tina's Daily Blog: Day After Christmas

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Day After Christmas

Well, it's the day after Christmas. I am so glad that it's finally over, and yet kind of wish it wasn't at the same time. Odd, eh?

Christmas Eve was awesome. It was Sunday and our Church had a TON of things going on. We were supposed to sing in Choir for the 9 and 10:45 services, but I got sick after singing at the 9 AM service, so I ended up going home. It's really too bad because I heard the sermon I missed was awesome and that TWENTY people gave their lives over to God at that one service. WOW! But I was home resting up as Chris and I were to sing on the praise team at the 5 and 7 PM service. Can't be sick for that! It is just amazing to see that many people come out to worship on Christmas.

The kids had a very good Christmas. Each one received at least one thing that they for sure wanted. Julie came over at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning and.... the day with Julie went pretty well. She did not bring her own dinner, she ate what we all ate. She only did one thing that seemed very odd to me - but other than that she did just fine. What was that one odd thing? Well, she had a ton of gifts for her kids - individually wrapping small tubes of lipstick and such so the gift-opening took well over an hour. (You know me... everyone open one at a time, and give me the paper immediately so that the room stays nice and tidy throughout!) All of this was fine, but smack-dab in the middle of the gift opening, Julie whips out this one gift for all three of her kids. She says "this one is from your Daddy". The kids open it and it's a plaque that the kids gave to Ron on Father's Day 11 years ago. It had "World's Best Daddy" engraved with a photo of Ron and the three kids and Ron. Sharing the plaque with all of them is fine with me... but wrapping it up and giving it back to them as a gift from their daddy... well... it was just weird. And we are talking right in the middle of everything, between opening lip-gloss and t-shirts. Of course all the kids just started crying and crying... and Chris, Jonathan and I are just sitting there - not sure what the hell to say. How do you say, "Okay, who's next?" after that? Honestly folks, I truly believe that Julie - for some reason - enjoys seeing her kids cry. I know that sounds not so nice, but I have come to believe it to be true.

One other thing Julie did that was not very nice but not wrong really. Remember when I told you that Gwen (the kids Grandma) bought Kayte and Justin Christmas presents? Well, Julie was terribly afraid of being 'out-done' and there was this one time that Justin opened up a pair of sneakers that Gwen bought for him. They were exactly what Justin wanted and he was SOOOOOOO happy. He expressed his happiness, and Julie said "Oh yeah, well Gwen, I can't have Gwen beat me" and she whipped out from beside the chair another box which she gave to Justin. It was another pair of shoes... some Air Jordan or something (I dunno, I buy my shoes from Payless, I don't know what the kids today are wearing). Justin was overjoyed when he opened the box... and Julie said "Gwen's shoes may have cost $90 but mine were $110!! HA!!!!" - or something to that effect. It just............... robbed Gwen in my opinion.

Okay, as I continue to think back on the day, I think of more things that were odd. We are all standing around the table about to say the blessing over our meal. Someone mentions Christmas being about the birth of Jesus which we are here to celebrate, and Julie turns to me and says "I thought you said nobody celebrates birthdays for dead people". I just looked at her, I said something about him being GOD who actually rose from the dead, and then I just left it alone. Boy, I guess she really wanted that birthday party for Ron. Although, she never did bring over the movie for the kids to watch. I think I'll take them to his Grave later this week though since I'm off work and have the time. (Assuming the transmission doesn't totally go out in the Durango and will make the trip to Brandon, but that's a WHOLE other story!)

Anyways, other than these few things everything really went fine. Julie went home about 9pm and the house got back to normal.

Amanda and Gene came up, that was GREAT seeing my little Amanda again. Of course she quickly pointed out that Jonathan was now as tall as (if not slightly taller than) me. GRRRRR We got to sing our Christmas song which we do as a quartet. Good times there. :o)

Evie (Chris's mom) came up, but Jimmie was sick so couldn't come. I really hope he's okay - Evie hasn't called today and I'm afraid to call.... He had all those heart problems a few months back and I just pray that everything is okay. I figured no news means he must be okay because if he were not, surely we would have heard.

Katie, Tony and their Daughter Tatiana came over as well. Tony is terribly allergic to cats and usually swells up when he visits us. (I have two WONDERFUL cats). He's been over before and I've just put the cats away, but he still has terrible allergies. So... Chris and I worked all day Christmas Eve and part of the day on Christmas trying to clean the house well enough for him. Having no carpets downstairs (only hard wood and tile floor), I knew it was possible to remove much of the cat dander that we had. We steam-cleaned the stairs and the sofas and mopped all floors several times. I even went around and did all the walls and base boards and... well... anything I could think of. And, it payed off as Tony had no allergic reaction at all. Well... once when Amanda went upstairs and got one of the cats from my bedroom and walked by him - but we all told her why the cats were upstairs in a room and she quickly brought him back.

Chris tried to go and pick up his Dad from the home, but he didn't want to come out (and the weather was horrible). It seems Doug is forgetting more and more lately. He remember that someone is living in his home up in Tennessee but he doesn't remember who or why. He also fell at the home last night and didn't remember how he fell or what he was doing. He wasn't hurt so badly that they had to take him anywhere, so that's good. But it's hard to see him mentally and physically going downhill.

I'd really like to take a moment to thank every person who helped us in some way/shape/form this Christmas: our family at VanDyke Church, Mom, Katie, Gwen, Evie, Jimmie, James and Jeanie. Thanks for being the spirit of Christmas.

That being said, I truly realize how very blessed we are. God continues to find ways to provide for us time and time again. People that we don't even really know rally to hold us up on a daily basis. I sit here staring at the screen trying to find a way to put into words what is in my heart... and it's just not coming out tonight. Sigh...........

I guess I'll just leave you with this today. Since I'm off work this week, I hope to have more time to blog about things going on here with us. Thanks for all your prayers and support.

"In life you can never be too kind or too fair; everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load. When you go through your day expressing kindness and courtesy to all you meet, you leave behind a feeling of warmth and good cheer, and you help alleviate the burdens everyone is struggling with." -- Brian Tracy

1 comment:

Almostunreal said...: Wishing you and your family a prosperous New Year and hope and pray that things turn out better and may Julie comes to her senses.

God bless; 11:21 AM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Day After Christmas

1 comment:

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