Tina's Daily Blog: Looking for Potential

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Looking for Potential

Whewwwwwwwww.... so much for having MORE time to post while the kids were home, eh? Yeah, that didn't work out so well.

It's been quiet, kid crazy, but still quiet none-the-less as far as 'drama' goes. For New Years we went to my sister Katie's house for maybe an hour, then came back home to have a teen party at the house for the kids and any of their friends they wanted to invite over. It was loud in a crazy teenager noise kinda way, but I was happy to be home and not out on the roads. I know, I know... I'm getting old.

More stuff around the house is breaking... and it just AMAZES me how much wear and tear my poor house has experienced since the kids moved in. A small entertainment center upstairs Doug had at his house for years.... broken door in a matter of weeks. The entertainment center that is in the game room now, we've had for maybe as much as 10 years now... broken door. Walls get dirty, glasses and dishes break so much we've just resolved to buy cheap packs and realize we've gotten our money out of them before they are all gone. (Before you ask... we've tried plastic, but they use and wash so much they don't hold up well in the dishwasher)

The GREAT news... the kids are getting a 'raise' in their Social Security checks beginning next month. I believe that this increase is because they are no longer paying Julie. Remember that conversation? Julie collected SS checks for many months after the kids moved in with me, but she wasn't 'allowed' to because they were her benefits for taking care of the kids. She had to pay all the money back. When I heard this, you best believe my first call was to the SS office to find out if I were eligible for the funds, but I'm not because I'm not mom. But they did say that the pool of money should be split 3 ways instead of 4 and if I were just patient enough, the government would realize the mistake and would correct it. Sure enough.... they did. In a government 1-year-later kind of way... which of course I now come to expect. Now... if I can get them to go back the past year that they DIDN'T pay me.... my gosh... we could go on a mini-vacation! **heart races with excitement** Oh wait... maybe we should fix the Durango's transmission. Sensible Tina, must be sensible!

The kids go back to school tomorrow! **cheers** OH MY GOSH I can't wait! Hee hee. We have a new rule now.... D's and F's are still unacceptable, C's which for the past year have been okay are now HIGHLY frowned upon and B's and A's are expected. The "Wow Wall" will now contain only A's. We've been talking to them about college and how you need A's and B's to get accepted. Oooooooo.... FUNNY story there. Indulge my ADD for a moment and let me tell you this story....

Julie and my daughter Amanda are talking just before Christmas. They started talking about Ron, then college, and then the kids going to college. Amanda, having just experienced college, begins to share her experience with Julie. Julie doesn't realize that just because you have money for college doesn't mean you're accepted... you still have to work hard and get good grades because some college has to decide to accept them. They are in the middle of this conversation that Julie wants NO part of and so Julie breaks out with the following: "You know if it doesn't work out with my boyfriend I'm just going to become a lesbian." Uh.... where did THAT come from????? Amanda was FURIOUS that Julie didn't want to talk about her own kids education. That she didn't care. And that she could just JERK the conversation into what Julie wanted to talk about. Funny... Amanda describes it as if they 'fought' but Julie thought they had a great conversation and that Amanda really 'helped her out' when she was feeling down.

So... I got a call today from Nick, the supervisor from Hillsborough Kids. First thing he tells me is that Julie's therapist, Vergeese, wants to see he and I together next week. We set up an appointment for the 9th. He says that he talked to Vergeese and pretty much understands where he is in his opinion, but he still wants to meet with us. Last time I did this, Vergeese said lots of things, but didn't back it up with any actions (such as letters to the court or for her case file or anything else like that.) Then he tells me that they have set up the staffing for Jan. 16th. He calls this the "fireworks meeting". Nick told me that in his professional opinion, there is too much 'drama' in Julie's life and 'no stable environment' for the kids to go home to at this time. He said that even with her not smoking pot or abusing prescriptions, she's not been able to keep herself away from Doctors for any length of time. That he would be concerned with the kids being there and Julie having to go to the doctors, clinic, emergency room or whatever as often as she usually goes. He told me that he's basing this not out of anything I said nor anything that was written, but rather, from that long conversation he had with with Julie before the last court hearing (the one where she lied so much I was vomiting because my nerves were so shot). In his words "from what she told me herself" He said that he was amazed that she had absolutely NO understanding what-so-ever on how she needed to take care of herself. She told him (when I wasn't there apparently) that she had just eaten fudge and McDonald's - and that she should be allowed to eat it "just like anyone else". He said that he could not get her to comprehend that she was a diabetic and as such, she shouldn't be eating those kids of foods. But Julie insists and tells him: if other people can do it, she should be allowed to as well. Sound familiar? Yeah... this is what I've been telling them for the past year.

He has decided that at the staffing meeting on the 16th he is going to make a recommendation for "Permanent Guardianship", but allow Julie to have daytime unsupervised visits. What does this mean? Well, as I've probably said before, it would mean that I have full custody of the kids until they are grown. Julie will be allowed to come and pick them up and spend time with them during the day, but they are not allowed to sleep over her house. He said that it would just be a recommendation and that the judge may not allow it, but he hopes the judge will and they can get the case out of the courts.

I'm so torn about how to feel about this. I know that Julie needs to get better... long term better, not just better for a few months or even a year. My gosh, if Julie could turn her life completely around it would be nothing short of a miracle. So.... I'm resolved to pray pray PRAY.... just speak my mind, but from my heart... learn to live with whatever the outcome is... and do my best to be there for my sister. I know that them making this recommendation when Julie has come so far is going to be VERY hard for her. But... that is out of my hands and I know it is. I kind of chuckle at that because I know that ALL of this has been out of my hands. It's been in the Father's hands since the beginning... I know that.

So.... I want to tell you the oddest yet thoughtful give we got in the Rhocchini house for Christmas. It was a gift from Julie and it was to Jonathan. Jonathan is famous for Ice Cream Man runs. He hears the music and is out the door faster than you can say "sundae". He never comes back with just something for him, always with enough for everyone. This can eat up our change money rather quickly, but I think it's sweet that he always buys for all the kids. So... Julie gets him a cow bank. But she adds to that her change purse from home with over $50 in quarters, dimes and nickels. Very sweet gift. What was odd about it?? The cow is standing on her head legs spread out and you put the coins in her.... well.... between the cows legs. As I said, thoughtful and yet.... odd.

I hate to leave you with that image... but I must go to bed. I leave you with this in hopes you'll have something other than the cow to think about:

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential.
Ellen Goodman

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Looking for Potential

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