Tina's Daily Blog: Busy Week & Hard Lessons

Friday, August 18, 2006

Busy Week & Hard Lessons

We've had a fairly busy week... sickness and all.

Justin is going to try out for the Gaither Baseball team next weekend. Chris and I won't be here to drive him, but he's going to ride a bike to tryouts. I really hope he makes it... playing sports really makes him happy. :o)

Kayla, if you recall, didn't try out for the dance team at Gaither. However, she just found out that they are having auditions for a step team next Monday night - so she's going to try out for that. I'm confident she'll make that... she's really good at dance and step.

Jonathan has a really big gig coming up in two weeks. Every year the barbershoppers in the Florida area get together over Labor Day weekend for a big show. They fly in top-notch quartets to sing on two shows. Jonathan's quartet has been invited to sing on the Saturday night show. I can't stress how much of a big deal this is for the barbershop world... I'm real excited for him.

Amanda just called, upset. You see... she has this job at Target, which is a little over 2 miles away from our home. When she moved in with us, she got the job at Target because it was so close. We explained that - while her car was broke - she'd have to either walk to work or borrow one of our bicycles. We went out and bought a bike lock and everything for the bike. Well.... Amanda doesn't like to walk or ride the bike. Her words "I'd rather call in sick". Since the day she moved in with us, we have - somehow or another - managed to get her to and from work on the days she has worked. When I tell her that she should ride the bike, she blasts back with "yeah, mom, I'd like to see YOU ride a bike to work". Ya know what I would do if I had no car?? Yep... I'd have to ride the bike to work! And she speaks to me as if - in the past 20 years of my adult existence, I have NEVER had a vehicle break down and had to find a creative way to get to work! You bet I have!

So I go home at lunch, Amanda is just getting up out of bed. I tell her that there is a POSSIBILITY that I'll be home early from work. Good she says, because she works at 3:30. Lovely. I get back to work - it's now 2:30 - and I'm swamped. People ordering parts for their power plants and such left and right. Plants scheduled for outage and need parts now... all that good stuff. Amanda calls and I tell her I'm NOT going to be home.

She's furious. She tells me something about her Dad was supposed to call her at 1 to see if he'd be home early, and he didn't. When she called him, he's still working and can't come home. Now me. And now, she says, she has not time to shower or anything. She'd have to leave RIGHT NOW to be there in time. (I'm assuming she's talking about walking - that would take an hour; a bike would take 15 min or so).

To be fair... we've had our good days with Amanda. Came home after being at the beach last weekend and she had totally cleaned downstairs. She's asked her boyfriend to make us some EXTRAORDINARY dinners when he's in town. But - the dynamics of the family really have changed. And I also realize that on top of her medical concerns, she has other things to worry about. Amanda has gotten herself into quite the financial pickle, which she is trying to work her way out of herself. She owes a lot to a lot of people/places and still needs to get her car fixed (she affectionately calls it "P.O.S.H." which stands for "Piece Of Sh** Heap"). I know she's in way over her head... and I feel for her. I really do. I feel like the only way to help her at this point is to stop helping her. The other day she asked to borrow $20. I was like... "what for?". Well... she wants to pay for one of those services that will give you anyone's phone number (even unlisted) to look up an old friend. I was like... "Amanda, all these people and things that you owe... and you think throwing $20 into this is a good idea?????" It was then that I was remembering the first time my electricity and water got shut off at home. There is no better of a reality check into importance of paying bills on time as then. No lights, no air conditioning, and no water to even flush a toilet. Sit in the dark and pee by a tree. Yep... It's then that you remember the $20 that you wasted here and there... wishing so badly that you had thought instead to pay your electric or water bill. Yes... those were hard lessons. (Plural because unfortunately I didn't learn the lesson until after it happened a few times - LOL) But she has to learn those lessons herself.

Okay - I got sidetracked there - sorry about that. I was posting about our weekly happenings.

Nothing really new with Kayte. But I will tell you this funny story.... I of course check her myspace. Not as often as I did with Kayla because Kayte is better behaved online. They all know, I don't allow them to have friends with gang stuff, drug paraphernalia, or lots of bad words on their myspace. I tell them all the time "who you hang out with is who you will become". She has this one kid as a friend who was rather odd... a young white boy... but - he was really trying to be all 'gangsta'. But, you could tell that he was TRYING... that it wasn't really HIM. His headline had a running sentence that had the word "nigga" six times, "fuck" 4 times and "shit" once. So.... he called the house shortly after I saw his myspace. I say to him "nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit". He's like... "what"?? I said, "That's really the only think I know about you after reading your myspace... you seem to like cursing an awful lot. Do you really think that's necessary?" The very next day, his myspace was changed.

This makes their second friend whom, once I said something to them about it, they changed it. Makes me wonder if we - as the adults in our society - sit quietly too often, not telling children what we think and feel about what they are doing and saying. What a shame... because we should ALL be modeling and shaping our youth - even if they are not our kids. They ARE our next generation... teachers... workers... scientists... musicians... doctors. If we don't tell them what they are doing is wrong... who will? **stepping down off the soapbox**

Chris and I are singing this weekend on the Praise team and Chris couldn't be happier. I'm happy - but not as excited as he is. He's like a kid in a candy store... it's cute. We went to rehearsal last night and he was just bouncing off the walls. Too funny.

Chris just called and had a good day at work. He did some handyman work for a pretty well-off woman down in Hyde Park today. He told me that she alone has enough jobs to keep him busy for months... this is really great news as he still needs the work! (He... and WE!) She's going to spread the word to her neighbors about how great he was and how he could do almost anything for a reasonable price. Word of mouth business... can't beat that!

Speaking of working and business.... I better run. Too much to do... to little time to do it. I leave you with this....

I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13: 5-6

No comments:

Post a Comment

In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, August 18, 2006

Busy Week & Hard Lessons

No comments:

Have Tina's Daily Blog sent to your email address:

Blog Archive

Followers

About Me

My Favorite Places and People

Blog Stats

In A Nutshell: