Tina's Daily Blog: As The World Turns

Friday, August 11, 2006

As The World Turns

**Soap Opera music playing in the background** Yes, it's never a dull moment here at the Rhocchini house. No-sir-ee-bobby.

Last night at about 4pm, Kayla and Justin called. They wanted to WALK to Burger King. First I said no, but they pleaded their case. I know they like to walk... to exercise... (which I don't do so well myself). They were going to go with friends (NOT with that girl Amanda). They were going to leave early enough to have the time to walk the 3 miles or so. Kayla's new boyfriend works at BK and so they'd get free food once they got there. I told them as long as they stayed out of trouble and brought water with them to keep hydrated, it was okay with me for them to go. At the time it didn't occur to me to tell them that they had to be home by dark, it was nearly 6 hours before it got dark... lots of time.

I'm driving home at 5-ish, I see the kids walking up the street... they had JUST left the house. Okay, so they got a late start.

7-ish Kayla calls home. We WERE going to offer to pick them up, but they are with 6 other friends and we don't have the room for everyone - so I told them to leave NOW and begin the walk back home. Kayla was going to call and see if one of the other girls there could have her mom come and pick them up (they were not looking forward to the looooong walk back). Again, I tell her to EITHER call me right back and tell me to come and pick her up -- or -- walk HOME.

8-ish I called Kayla's boyfriend's cell phone. I'm a little worried, they should have been home by now and it's going to be dark soon. (The boyfriend's name is Oswaldo, but we call him BK because of where he works). Kayla is STILL THERE. I tell her to get out there and start walking N-O-W. Of course, after I hang up I realize it's going to be dark VERY soon, so I hop in the car and figure I'll have to pick up JUST Kayla and Justin while they are walking back. All the other kids will have to figure out on their own how they are getting home.

Driving down the road... I don't see them walking. Drive up to Burger King... who is just SITTING in the restaurant still chatting with friends? Yepper... Kayla and Justin. Oh, and the friend they are not allowed to hang out with, Amanda, is sitting with them (along with a bunch of others). I was FUMING mad.

We go home, and I explain to them what they did wrong. I honestly believe they see nothing wrong with what they did. Guess they didn't realize it was going to be AFTER 9pm had they left whenever the heck they felt like leaving.

We get home, and I'm making dinner (late due to the drama of the day) and I realize that chores are NOT done. Floors, garbage, cat litter, laundry - not done. Everyone had apparently done SOME of their chores, but not all of them. They look at me completely clueless and actually say (with puppy-dog eyes) "I didn't know I had to do that today". What you have to realize about that is that I have a chore-chart printed on the fridge AND upstairs. I shout back "CAN YOU READ?". UGGGG So it's closer to 10 when they actually get to their bedrooms, and closer to 11 before they are asleep. Grrrrrreat.

Speaking of reading... a recent comment I received this morning was great (thank you to whomever you are that posted that!). The only problem is... Julie and her kids DON'T READ. Hardly EVER. Right now Kayte is reading a book that the school is forcing her to read (and she is VERY proud of herself for reading it). Julie hasn't read a book in well over 20 years. And the kids, seeing mom's example, fully believe they can get through life never reading. How do you graduate from HS and never have read a book? Justin is doing a book report right now on "Friday Night Lights", and is using what was in the movie, not in the book. They'll cheat off other kids for reports, or just flip through the book and pull out what they think are factual portions of the book. Course there is always the interent and cut & paste makes having to read and write a thing of the past (with modifications so as not to appear plagarized). For required reading (such as the Diary of Anne Frank) they will read it in class but WITH the class, not take it home and read it themselves. Chris and I were talking about this problem the other day. Julie doesn't have a high school education and she doesn't push her kids to excel either. When the kids come to me with an Algebra problem that I don't know, I either read up and find out how to do it, or I call someone who might know. Julie on the other hand will just throw up her hands and say "You're already smarter than I am, I have no idea!". It's sad really........

Julie just called me on her way into work. She sounds so good... it's so nice to see her clear and drug free. She finally spoke with Karen yesterday (her last day as the kids' DCF worker). Karen said she was going to call me and ask about me sometimes supervising visits. Of course, she never called me, and now she's not working for them any more. Julie also said that they didn't HAVE a new case worker assigned to us yet. Lovely.

How is it possible that I have 3 kids in my care that are technically wards of the State, and yet I've been unable to reach their case worker for over 2 weeks, and now we are left without a case worker? Very very frustrating. I was going to cut & paste the letter to them here, but it's too long and same-old story. I just WISH they would hurry up with the mental health counseling, and I hate the thought of having to explain to someone totally new what's going on. It took Karen 2 months to pick up the file and read it. Sigh.........

Back to the reading subject. I think I'm going to get that book either tonight after work or this weekend. I love the evening study time idea. Of course, with everyone's busy schedules and such we couldn't do it daily, but we could plan once or twice a week to really dive into the book/workbook. Then maybe when we are done with the book we could make that time game night... the kids used to LOVE it when we had a game night. It's just plain good for EVERYONE. :o)

Speaking of good for everyone... if you've noticed the top of my blogs now have links. I actually make MONEY off of those clicks. (Not a lot, I'm nearly up to $3.00 now - LOL) but every little bit helps, right? It's funny because it picks up on keywords in your recent blog and tries to find a match for an advertiser. The other day... when I was having all those problems with Kayte... the links were something to the effect of: "are you an overstressed mom?" and "boot-camps for bad teens". I just found that really funny. I laugh at things quite a bit nowadays. This is good, very good, because it keeps my attitude light and happy.

Funny, the kids just called (Kayla and Justin) wanting to know if they could walk to Ben Hill school now (their school is out) and if they could go to the movies later. I guess they've completely gotten over their issues from yesterday and are now ready to ask for more. Of course I told them "no" on the walking and "maybe" on the movies. He sounded so surprised when I said they couldn't go walking to the school. It's times like this when I wonder... I really wonder... am I going to make a positive difference in these kids lives? Am I giving enough? Do I need to do more? Is it going to make any difference anyways? Sigh........

I'll leave you with this thought on this wonderful Friday:

To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life -- to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son -- how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it means to refuse God's mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says. - C.S. Lewis

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, August 11, 2006

As The World Turns

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