Tina's Daily Blog: Maybe Now Is The Time

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Maybe Now Is The Time

Yep... 15 hours from this very minute the kids will be on buses headed to school. Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I just can't WAIT for some sort of routine to kick back into place.

What's new since I last posted??? The Middle School kids (Jon and Kayte) had open house last night. It went very well... Jonathan has a sweet schedule! I dropped Kayla off at her friend Anna's house. Chris left the open house about 9:30 and figured he'd go over there to pick her up and - guess what? - she wasn't there. Chris nearly had a stroke he was so angry. There was nobody home... so he went home. Ten minutes later, Kayla calls. She had helped the mom move some furniture around, so the mom treated Kayla to dinner at Burger King. Yeah... she DIDN'T do anything wrong! YEAH! But boy oh boy did she have us going!

Kayte and I went around and around yesterday. In her myspace I read how she was trying to get out of this group "TSN". She and Kayla talk about TSN and FAM quite a bit. Well... FAM is a gang, no question. TSN - I don't know what it is yet, but I'm checking it out. Kayte has told me that "it's just like a family" In a message she sent via myspace she was talking about trying to get out of this group. A guy told her that she would have to "get jumped" if she tried to leave. Lovely. Sounds like a gang to me! And... here's the thing... I don't want to make it bigger than it is... so I was in the process yesterday of trying to gather information on things. I researched gang activities in Tampa. Read up on what to look for in teens. At lunch I told Julie I wanted to talk to her privately. I told her what I had found and asked her about their gang involvement while living at home. Julie says they were not involved in gangs at all at home. Well... that's simply not true. Kayla's 'gang name' is tattooed on her back for goodness sake! Julie had them living WITH her. We had to call the police because the gang member SHE kicked out of her house threatened to KILL all of us. The kids (who lived in this environment daily for a year or so) were so scared they couldn't sleep. How the hell could Julie say they had NO gang involvement? Anyways... after I finished talking to Julie, guess what she did? Yep... asked the kids about it. I hear Kayte yelling at her mom about it. I picked up the phone and told Julie that I asked her PRIVATELY because I was NOT ready to talk to the kids about it. Jeez Louise. I then had to talk to Kayte for the rest of the afternoon trying to tell her that it wasn't that I didn't TRUST her... I was just trying to learn what I could about it so that I could make my OWN educated conclusion about what happened. And, let me say again, the kids are NOT involved in 'gangs' right now. I'm worried about what's going to happen in/when they go home. For there HERE and NOW - if they talk about it at all, it's just talk.

Speaking of going home... next week is Karen's last week as our DCF lady. Then it's time to talk to someone totally new and explain the WHOLE thing again. But boy-oh-boy do I hope that the new lady is able to get Kayla into some counseling. We have a lady in our choir who I believe does counseling with Teens, but I never have the nerve to really go up to her and ask advice. Nobody wants to work when they are not working, ya know? And even then, what's she going to tell me... that Kayla needs counseling or need to see a psychiatrist. Which I'm trying to do - but thanks to the insurance and medicaid, I can't get it done! Drives me NUTS. This should be one of the first things the State worries about fixing. The kids mental health. Hey.... maybe Dr. Phil will call. LOL. Yeah... I'm holding my breath for that!

Chris and I will be attending our FIRST praise team rehearsal tomorrow night. Gosh, I hope I do well. I realized last night that I've got to take really good care of my voice as I sing 3 or 4 nights a week. Chorus on Tuesday, I sing the SNOT out of my voice. You just can't imagine how much different it is as a singer. I get to really wail - high - lifted - supported - ringing overtones. Oh gosh it's just great. I LOVE being back at Toast of Tampa. And I find myself ministering while there, talking to people about church and what it's done to me and for me. I pass our cards for Van Dyke and tell them to come. I wish I could get some Van Dyke choir members to come to a Toast of Tampa rehearsal... to just listen and see if they get hooked as I did. Then there's choir practice on Thursday nights, and singing on Sundays (and Saturdays if we're on the team that week). Wow... it's like a dream come true! But again, I have to take care not to blow out my voice.

Chris and I STILL have no clue what we are going to do for our 20th Wedding Anniversary. It's funny how much I really don't mind doing 'whatever'. Heck, a dinner out would be abso-fricking-lutely wonderful! Macaroni Grill - my FAVORITE. But we quit eating out months ago and it's really helped keep us afloat. However, I know that just eating out isn't much for your 20th. But you see here that I am thinking 'small'. Chris - the other end of the spectrum - is thinking BIG. He wants to go on a 4 day cruise. I WISH! First there's the money, but I also can't take time off work at this time. But I love him for thinking big for me. I suppose it would be a real sob story if we both thought 'small' like me, huh? That's why God made us compatible! I did write to the Joy FM's 20 wishes program asking for something for us to do on our Anniversary. Could you IMAGINE someone showing up with something planned! I know.... a one night dinner cruise... then Chris and I BOTH are happy!! LOL Yeah, I'll wait for this to happen right there with waiting for Dr. Phil to call.

Now for a total downer... Chris and I have good friends - Chris and Drew - who have a little girl with brain cancer. She needs prayers ya'll. LOTS and LOTS of prayers. She has a web page you can check out and read about her, look at photos, read daily updates and send her thoughts and prayers. http://www.christalinfo.com/ I don't know why that just crossed my mind here - but I feel I should ask you to pray for them. Pray hard. Chris is - by far - the best Christian I know of. She has unbelievable faith and amazing belief that God already has a plan. I have to just laugh at myself whenever I worry about where the money to feed or cloth these kids is going to come from... when I am not sure that God really has a plan. Because here is my good friend Chris looking at her daughter and wondering if she's going to be here for another birthday - and she's confident in letting God's plan be done. Yes, they are amazing people.

Remember to hug your kids/grand kids tonight. If you can't hug them, call and tell them how much you love them.

That reminds me of something that happened last night at chorus. After chorus rehearsal, people stand around and chat and lots of people want a moment of our director's time (the mighty-awesome Joe Connelly). His assistant, a woman I very much respect and love - Carol Mishall - is waiting to talk to him. He's talking with others about music, taping, whatever. It's her turn to talk to him, she goes up, takes his hand, looks him in the eye and says "I just want to tell you that I love you". Now, no thinking dirty here, she's a wonderfully married woman who is older than Joe. It was the most loving and respectful thing I'd seen in a while. This woman is simply AMAZING, and when I left the chorus last time, I was a different person. I didn't have faith in anything and God walking beside me. I don't know that I ever really told her how wonderful I thought she was/is. I just now remembered the day Chris and I moved into a house down in South Tampa. Moving day, we had moved in all the boxes and were in the process of arranging furniture and unpacking boxes. (I am so anal, I like to have everything unpacked that weekend!) Carol shows up in my driveway. She does NOT live close... she made the trip for ME. In her car she had food. She brought a little card table, table cloth, paper plates and silverware, cups, drinks, and food. She set up this FEAST - telling us that she knew we were not going to be able to stop to eat ourselves. And then, she left. **shakes head** Can you imagine the love and thoughtfulness that went into that? I need to write her RIGHT NOW and tell her how much - to this day - I appreciate what she did. Do you have someone whom you should tell how much you appreciate them... how much you love them.... how much you respect them? Maybe now is the time....

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart. Don't try to figure it out on your own. Listen for His voice in everything, everywhere you go. He's the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:5

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Wow-a week or so ago I stumbled across this blog. I used to live in Tampa. It's funny how the Lord makes you wonder if you see things for a reason. Have you ever seen the 'poem/reading' about how people come into your lives for either a reason a season or a lifetime, it's so true. I have it if you'd like a copy.

I read your post today and it really resonated with me. There is a plan and it's not always MINE! Having the financial difficulty my family and I are having from a failed business and trying to handle all the issues myself is wearing us down. Your statements are so right-on about remembering the plan.

I'm so sorry that your dear friends are facing such a tragedy with their child, but what a story they will have to tell about the walk they are taking.

Best of luck to you and Chris on your anniversary, the praise team and with all the children.

I think I have people I need to shout out to about how great they were to me at one time or another!

Keeping my prayers for you and yours and your wish for an anniversary cruise! :); 4:57 PM

Post a Comment

In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Maybe Now Is The Time

1 comment:

Have Tina's Daily Blog sent to your email address:

Blog Archive

Followers

About Me

My Favorite Places and People

Blog Stats

In A Nutshell: