Tina's Daily Blog: This Weekend

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

This Weekend

I'm nervous as all get-out about this weekend. Chris and I have the opportunity to spend the weekend on St. Pete beach alone for our 20th Anniversary. Oh, and for FREE. (Well, $50 clean-up fee) Of course we are going, but that leaves the kids home alone. Sigh......

They won't be totally alone - Amanda will be home, I just have to 1) make sure her work schedule is okay and 2) get her to not parent Jonathan too much. (The other kids tell me that she's really 'hard' on him all the time) I'm also trying to jot down a schedule so that I know where they are and when they'll be home. For example... Friday night Kayla and Justin have a football game they are going to. Kayla has a friend's mom that is going to take them and bring them home. Jono and Kayte will be home with Amanda. Saturday Kayla and Kayte will be going to a neighbor's party from about noon till 5. I don't know yet about Jono and Justin, I guess they'll be home all day. Then I have a friend from Church bringing over dinner for them to all eat. (I was afraid they'd eat cereal the whole time I was gone!) Much thanks Suzanne! Sunday afternoon we'll be home - so they'll really only be alone without us on Saturday. (Sheesh Tina - relax!) But I'd still feel better knowing where they are all the time and who is with them. If anyone wants to volunteer to call or drop by - drop me a line and let me know -- we'd love it.

Speaking of doing things alone and/or trusting.... I should tell you that the last THREE times Kayla has gone out, she has done so WITHOUT getting into trouble! She is so proud of herself, and of course I am proud of her too. It's funny because she is actually counting these times and bragging to her friends about it. It's odd how there are times when I am certain she is doing something just because she WANTS to be defiant and do it, and then there are other times when I know she's trying, but she lacks the basic understanding of how to do something and NOT get into trouble. It's hard because as she continues to TRY to do things correctly and NOT get into trouble, I have to allow some level of trust in her and hope that she doesn't hang herself with it. Funny... a lot like what I'm going through with Julie. It's nice to see them both moving in the right direction. :o)

Speaking of moving in the right direction, Julie is still doing VERY WELL! I'm so happy for her. I've been getting quite a bit of pressure from some family members lately. Not bad pressure... but rather... a heavy sense of empathy towards Julie because she is doing so well. Sometimes that empathy FEELS to me like they feel I'm being unreasonable towards Julie. I think the entire family is really on the same page. But I feel that there is an urge to 'take sides' for some reason... and I'm not really sure why. We ALL want the same thing... for Julie to get better and be able to raise her kids on her own. Some are a little less confident that CAN happen... but isn't that understandable? NONE of us think that Julie is such an evil person that she can not raise her kids. Some wonder if Julie will EVER be mentally WELL enough to take care of the kids. And for those who DO wonder that... it's not unfounded by any means, so it's not like we are being harsh.

I just talked to Dottie to get her feelings on how she thought things went with Julie's visit. She thought Julie did well... but noticed a few things. Justin didn't spend any time with his mom and she wasn't sure why. (He just seemed a little distant) Kayte was really overly loving towards her mom (sat on her lap most of the time). When Julie met Kayla's boyfriend she acted as if she were a teen, shaking his hand in some teenage fashion. And of course she noticed that I never stopped working and that Julie and the kids would not get up to help me. But - overall - she agreed that the visit went well in that Julie behaved herself while there.

While talking to Dottie I also tried to put into words the feeling I had when Julie was talking about things (such as fixing the broken beds). I told her that.... when Julie talked about things - like Julie now trying to clean out her garage because it has so much trash in it - that although it is GREAT that she is doing this, but at the same time, it brings back the memories of HOW things got to be that way. The garage reminded me of... the pot smoking parties out there... the gang members going through the stuff in the garage and pawning anything of value (mostly Ron's stuff)... leaving nothing left BUT the garbage. I tried to explain how it was hard to not be happy - yet sad - at the very same time.

I suppose if the kids were with Katie right now and I were looking at things... it would be easier to JUST be happy about it and not think of the bad stuff. But with constant phone calls to/from state workers, frequent psychiatric visits and constantly talking to the kids about the past so that they can see the errors/mistakes and overcome whatever led up to those events - it makes it hard, if not impossible, to be JUST happy without feeling that sense of sadness over what had happened in the recent past.

That's the great thing about blogging. You get to put your thoughts and feelings out there - then go back and read them - and often times you get to psychoanalyze yourself. LOL Getting pregnant at 17, married at 18, and having the life events that we have - I've been to more than my fair share of therapy sessions... so I get to provide therapy to myself. Too funny.

I would like to wish my mother and father-in-law (Evelyn and Jimmie Dean) a very happy Anniversary! Today is their 21st wedding anniversary. Come on everyone... sing it with me.... "Happy anniversary to you, happy anniversary to you, happy anniversary dear Evie and Jimmie, happy anniversary to you".

I'm going to end with snips from my friend Chris Kirkman's recent post. She's the one with the daughter who has cancer. (Chris is the mom, Drew is her husband, Kylie is their baby girl, and Christal just turned 8) They are living each day to it's fullest - one day at a time, one memory at a time, while Christal is still blessing the world with her presence. They had a prayer service for her on Sunday, and Chris posted the following message about it. I've edited it some for length purposes. But I really wanted to share it with you because it shows God in action, as well as the wonderful spirit of this little girl, Christal.

Yesterday, the prayer service was just beautiful and Pastor Dave did a great job with it. I think the most amazing thing to me about this was the deacons from the church coming around and laying their hands on Christal. Here is this group of men surrounding her… only one of them actually KNEW Christal. They were praying for her as if she was their daughter or grand-daughter. As they stood around her, several of them were crying for her. Not like just tears streaming down the face crying... and not sobbing... but rather what I would call weeping. This was MY daughter, and they didn't "know" her... they only knew "OF" her, and there they were... weeping for her. I was totally taken back (as I always have been) by how fervently people pray for her. It was quite touching. There was definitely a sweet spirit about this place.
Towards the beginning of the service, Kylie decided she wanted to sit riiiiiiiight by her sissy. So she got as close as she could get to Christal, and still be in my lap… she put her hand on Christal’s back and started patting her like as if to say, “Hi, my sissy… hi… this is my sissy.” Like she has a thousand times before. Then Kylie did something she really hasn’t ever done before… she put her hand on Christal’s cheek and moved her hand back and forth, like stroking it. SO gently, just adorable. Ugh, as sweet as it was I thought, “I can’t believe this little baby girl is going to have to grow up without her big sissy.” Just not the way it’s suppose to be, is it?
At the end of the service Christal sat and talked to everyone on the way out, which was a nice suggestion of Pastor Dave. Afterwards it was suggested that maybe Christal would like to be baptized. We talked to her and decided it was something that we’d be doing… RIGHT THEN! It’s not often (if ever) that Pastor Jay Dennis would get interrupted during his evening message to
do a baptism. He knew how much this meant and was HAPPY to let it happen. This entire time was so surreal as I watched her with Pastor Dave in her white robe getting ready for something so amazing happening in her life. I was just the tiniest bit envious of her, because I had been wanting to get baptized for awhile… but just hadn’t done it. When I spoke up and said, AAAAAAAAH, I’m so excited for her I could just PEE… I want to be right there with her!” When Lori realized I meant I wanted to get baptized too… they asked if I wanted to get changed and do it with her, telling me there was time. I kept saying, “No no no, not now… this is her moment.” Little did I know how the rest of the evening would unfold.
Over the next 30-40 min or so… and actually the entire evening… God had been working on Drew’s heart. As Christal and I went out front to say good-bye to Uncle T and Aunt Jodi and the kids (and others)… Drew was getting ready for the journey that would change his life. He sat in the back with Lori and started talking to her. Christal and I came back, and when we walked up… I KNEW something huge was going on. Pastor Jay came out and Lori introduced Drew to him first… it was at that moment within a few sentences that Pastor Jay asked Drew the question and he was ready to answer it in an affirmative way, “Do you want to accept Jesus into your heart as your personal savior?” And Drew answered, “Yes.” And then prayed the prayer with Pastor Jay. Within just a minute of this, he tells me that he understood that I had wanted to get baptized, and of course I told him, “Yes, that’s true.” You have to know… no one is in the church, everyone has gone home… we’re just there together behind the scenes just a few of us and he said, “Well, I’ll baptize you right here, right now if you’d like.” And my response was, “Gitty-UP, lets DO IT!” (I’m not really sure if that was the “appropriate” response, but I think Pastor understood my enthusiasm.) He then turned to Drew (who is still spinning for just accepting Christ), and asks him the same question to which his response was affirmative! This entire night could not have been more perfect.
We all walked up to the baptismal… prayed, and then it was time. This was a very surreal feeling being back at the very same location I had been just moments before with my daughter. I had just said, “No, this was her moment and it wasn’t time for me yet…” Not knowing that God was already there and knew that I in fact WAS going to be baptized that evening… but rather,
WITH the love of my life. I’m not sure I’ve ever been a part of an evening like this… rather, I KNOW I’ve never been a part of something SO unbelievable.
Afterwards Christal met Pastor Jay and told him something that she had been talking about
since her baptism, she said, “Uh…. You know I think you really need to get a slide in there, and probably a diving board too. It would be a lot more fun. I have a lot of money that I could give you… or we could raise money. I think you should really do that.”

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

This Weekend

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In A Nutshell: