Tina's Daily Blog: Wonderment, Cabs and Shrinks, Oh My!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Wonderment, Cabs and Shrinks, Oh My!

Chris and I are back from a wonderful Anniversary get-away. We left late on Friday and arrived at the condo on St. Pete beach just before sunset. The condo belongs to my boss who uses is when they can and then rents it out much of the rest of the time to help it 'pay for itself'. Chris and I have stayed at condos before, but apparently never one privately owned and run. There was a picture frame on the wall with a picture of "The Pero Family" (David, Donna and their two kids) with a welcome to their 'home away from home' note on it. On the side table there was a notebook full of things to do and restaurants to eat at while there (along with their recommendations of good and bad places). The room was set up so that we could have slept 6 as they were not sure if we were bringing the kids or not - which was very thoughtful of them to do. They also had a journal in the room that had personal notes from all prior guests who have stayed in the room... detailing what a great time they had, any suggestions they had, what they did that was fun or not so fun. It's hard to explain, but it was just WAY more personal and thoughtful than the other condos we've rented over the years.

It rained much of the time we were there, but we didn't mind. We spent most of our time in the room anyways. **evil grin** At one point Donna Pero called to ask me how it was going and I noted that "a weekend at the beach when it's raining is better than weekend at home with all five kids." For SURE! LOL

I won't blog about much that happened over the weekend as this IS a PG-13 blog. **giggles** But we did have a great time. Probably the biggest disappointment of the weekend was dinner at Brewmasters. We drove all the way there for what we hoped was great steaks. Although the steaks were pretty good, everything else was horrible. (Service, drinks, brownish salad and everything served on plastic plates). I should add here however that the COMPANY was incredible. Love you Chris. There was also one time on Friday night when I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. (Talk about breaking the mood!) Chris and I were...... **ahem** swimming.... in the ocean at dark. I began to experience chest pains. Not pain as much as tightness.... or heaviness. If you place your hand over your heart as if saying the 'Pledge' then bring it up about 2 inches... right there.... and then down the entire arm and through to the back. Add to that shortness of breath and a feeling as if I were in a fuzz. I kept thinking... I can't let ambulance drivers see me in my bathing suit! Then thinking.... if this is just anxiety I'm going to have wasted a night of our anniversary! I made it up to the room (with the help of Chris) and took a shower... still having pain and thinking... I DEFINATELY can't let the paramedics find me like THIS! LOL But after about an hour or so it subsided. I don't think it was muscular, but I do think it was some kind of panic attack... or something having to do with my heart. Boy... this is a downer... enough about me!

While we were gone a few things happened. Justin's baseball tryouts were postponed (he'll try out this afternoon). Our friend who was supposed to bring dinner over on Saturday night... forgot. (But it was okay, their grandma had just sent them money so they ordered pizza) Their Grandma Gwen had also sent Justin a belated birthday present - an X-Box game. Unfortunately it was for X-Box 360 (which they don't have), so the boys decided on Saturday to go to Target and exchange the game. Amanda had to work that afternoon, so she drove them up to Target with the understanding that they would walk home. I don't know why, but I feel differently about Jono and Justin walking home than I do the girls. The girls have done that more I guess... they used to walk everywhere when they lived at home. Plus Kayla is 15 and Jono is only 13. ANYways... they get to Target and decide that their money would go much further if they crossed the street (DALE MABRY) to go to GameStop where they sell games (new and used) at a discount. Dale Mabry only has 8 lanes of traffic........... **heart skips a beat** They go over there and get 4 games for the price of whatever game Gwen had bought for them. These boys were HAPPY, let me tell ya. They then decide to walk back... only they start walking in the WRONG direction. (Again, these boys are not used to walking like the girls are). They see a cab parked in a parking lot (Yellow Cab van) and they ask if he can take them home. They note that they have money (about $20 left over) and the cabbie tells them 'it's free for you today'. (He must have felt bad for these young boys) Of course the boys don't know how to tell him exactly to get to the house, they ended up going in the wrong direction (again, the boys were turned around thinking which direction was home), but the cabbie ended up finding the house and dropped them off, free of Charge. Yes, Chris and I had a FIT over the whole thing. Sigh.........

Oh, I didn't tell you about the girls Therapy appointments on Friday. Kayte did fine... Kayla...... the therapist wants her to see a Psychiatrist. She thinks Kayla may have A.D.D. or even be Bipolar. I have long felt that Kayla has -- SOMETHING -- just not sure what. Kayla was very upset to hear this, but I tried to play on the benefits of it. Kayla wants so badly to be good... and I told her, "what if you could just take a pill, and you would ALWAYS be good??" Course I also explained to her about how being bipolar or any other disorder is just that - a disorder - which meant there is treatment - which means, she could be BETTER. She liked that idea. Julie and I were talking about it earlier. I was reminded of the one time that Julie told me that Kayla kept sneaking out at night. (Mind you, Ron was alive and so she had to have been younger than 12 at the time) Ron and Julie got so frustrated with trying to keep her in the room that they ended up putting a blanket over the window. Kayla continued to leave, so they put somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-70 nails in the blanket around the window to keep her in. Well... that's just NOT normal. You shouldn't HAVE to do that to keep your kid in the house. And again... it wasn't that Kayla was just being some horrible teenager... she just kept doing it.

Kayte and I also discussed it at length. Kayte agrees that SOMETHING is not quite right with Kayla. She told me about a hairspray issue the other day. (I know - seems small - but read on and you'll see the issue behind the hairspray) Julie has bought each girl their own hairspray so that Kayla doesn't use it all. (Kayla uses GOBS AND GOBS of everything in her hair) Kayla is up getting ready for school, and starts to spray her hair. Katie wakes up, and sees Kayla using HER hairspray. She shouts "KAYLA!" and Kayla drops the hairspray onto the ground, quickly picks up HER hairspray off the dresser, sprays a little bit more (as if to prove it was THAT hairspray she were using the whole time) and then turns to Kayte and says "yes". Kayte tries to confront her, but Kayla flat-out refuses to admit she just used the hairspray. She even tried to be slick and bend down to do something and at the same time put the cap on Kayte's spray. Kayte kept saying "I just SAW you" but Kayla just tells lie after lie. This is the kind of lie that I have had the same kind of problem with. You look right at her KNOWING the truth, but she refuses to admit it. Very frustrating.

So... add to my list of 'things to do' I'll add making Kayla an appt at at Psychiatrist's office. Fun fun.

Speaking of the sarcastic 'fun'.... Julie is coming over for her weekly visit this Wednesday. I'm just sick about it... I really hope it goes better this time, because if it doesn't - I'm going to have to tell her she can come at times OTHER than for food. This time, she's bringing chicken from Church's or Popeye's. So... I'm hoping it'll be better and we can continue visits as they are right now.

This week my days are - once again - jam packed. Tonight Justin has baseball tryouts. I hope to get home and be able to cook a nice family dinner tonight though. Haven't been grocery shopping in a couple of weeks, but hope I've got something I can make with the chicken I'm defrosting. Tuesday night is Toast of Tampa rehearsal and probably the 2nd day of tryouts for Justin. Wednesday is Julie's night to come over, so will be busy then. Thursday night is both our actual anniversary night AND Choir practice. I was hoping to go out to dinner - just Chris and I - after rehearsal, but I think we're pretty much 'spent' after this weekend. But it'll still be nice singing on our Anniversary - as much as we both love music... it's rather fitting that we spend the night singing. Friday night Jonathan is going to Innisbrook for 'performers night around the pool' where all of the 'talent' that they have hired for Labor Day Jamboree (that big barbershop festival I've talked about before) gathers around the pool to sing. We'll be home LATE on Friday night after that. Then Saturday Chris and I have a fantasy football draft at noon-ish, and then will head right over to Innisbrook again as Jonathan is performing on Saturday night's show. Sunday is Church - and with kids now involved in Jr and Sr high, we're hopping on Sundays! Then LABOR DAY... the day of rest! And I think that's exactly what I'll do.

We may go to visit Ron's grave on Monday... not sure yet. His mom, Gwen, tells me that Ron is not IN the cemetery so we really don't need to go there. That we can pray and honor him from home and it would be the same. And - she's right. But I can't think of anything else to do for the kids. Today is the day for them -- their dad died 2 years ago today. I want them to know that it's a big deal for me and that I am here for them. Visiting the grave is doing something - and any time you are doing something it feels better than doing nothing. Any thoughts you may have on this is greatly appreciated.

Oh lordy.... I just checked in on my friends Chris, Drew and Christal. Chris posted the most amazing and inspiring words in her journal. It's well worth quoting....

The blessings in our lives are OVERFLOWING!! They always have been, even when things weren't good. We still have SO much more than some people have in their lives. Think about it... your job, your house, your kids, freedom to worship, and the list goes on and on. No matter what, God has ALWAYS provided for us. There are things that Satan would LIKE for you to believe, but I know the truth. God is merciful, and we might not understand all that he is doing in our lives... but we must trust the promises He gave us. He never promised us a perfect life... only His perfect love. And all things happen in HIS timing... not our own. I have comfort in knowing that GOD is in control and He’s already there and has it all worked out... no matter the outcome. This journey Christal has had is NOT for nothing. I know there are people that are being touched by her story that we have NO idea of... I know people have changed BECAUSE of her. Look at her own family. Because of her story, her step-daddy has ensured that he’ll see her again one day by accepting Jesus in his heart. It just doesn’t GET any better than THAT my friends. If you don’t think you need Jesus in your life... then think AGAIN. We’re alone in this world, and you just CAN NOT do it without Jesus. He KNOWS about your troubles and your pain, and He wants you to bring those troubles to Him. Most of all, He wants to have a relationship with you... He loves you more than anyone in the entire WORLD. Isn’t that SO COOL??? He created you perfectly... and He loves.... you. Like there was no one else in the world to love. Lets not forget that God gave His son to us... to die on the cross. How many of you would give us YOUR child so that the rest of the world could have eternal life?

Yes - very very well put. It reminds me that - God knows exactly what he's doing. I may feel busy, overwhelmed, heck even frantic at times. But God is not giving me a single thing that He doesn't feel that I can't handle. These kids have come so very far in such a short period of time. They are a true JOY to have around the house... and when they are gone, I will miss them terribly. But again, I will try to keep in mind at that point in time that - it is God's plan. Remembering how He paved the way back in October/November for us... the change in jobs... the unemployment.... the extra room in the house... the 'angel' who provided the Christmas that there was NO way we could have provided them alone last year. Yes indeed... God knew exactly what he was doing. It's so easy to look back and marvel at His perfect plan, so clearly seen. I have been the most unworthy of unworthiest people out there... and God has blessed me over and over again. Thank you Lord.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, August 28, 2006

Wonderment, Cabs and Shrinks, Oh My!

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