Tina's Daily Blog: Amanda, Continued

Friday, August 04, 2006

Amanda, Continued

Amanda is not doing so well. She could use a lot of prayers right now.

Her face has been swelling. I assumed it was because of the trauma. The emergency room folks told us what to look for.... puss/drainage, red streaks, fever. She hasn't have any of that (well, until this morning), it's just been very very very swollen. But this morning when she awoke there was a little puss draining from one of the sutures. She had an appt at 9 am with the plastic surgeon and he told her that it was very infected. He proceeded to open one of the sutures and.... how do I put this nicely... he drained the infection. Yeah.... that sounds a little less gross than some other things I could say. He put her on a second antibiotic and told her that if it wasn't better in the morning she needed to go back to the emergency room. Oh joy. Please pray for her.

Last night her new boyfriend Gene came over. He is such a nice guy. He's a chef at Disney and made us homemade creme brulee last night (it was awesome!). I told Amanda today that - as much as I like this guy - she needed to keep in mind that he's been her boyfriend for a very short period of time and that she was a 'victim' already (albeit no fault of her own). I went on to explain that typically men can like caring for a victim for a short period of time, but that it can quickly become old. She of course already knows this, and went on to remind me that he very well could have saved her life on Wednesday night. So true! Lets see...

Has a job - check.
Has a car - check.
Cooks - check.
Cute guy - check.
Not too young or immature - check.
Works at Disney - check.
Treats her well - double check.
Cares for her when she's not well - check.
Saved her life this past Wednesday - check.

Yep... that about sums it up. I told her that if she wanted to marry him, that was FINE with me! LOL. She just ate that up. Amanda was talking to him on the phone right after I told her that. Sometime after that he said he needed to go because he had to work. She tells him: "Okay, well just give me a ring later. Oh and call me too!" Yes, she has my sense of humor! LOVE IT.

I wrote to Jason this morning (Choir director at church) to give him an update on Amanda and ask him to continue prayers for her, in particular for the next 24 hours. Shortly therafter I get a call from Sonya King at church. She's asking about Amanda. At the same time I'm instant messaging Amanda and tell her that the church is on the phone asking what they can do. (I tell them just to keep her in prayers) Amanda just comes out with "I think I'll go to church on Sunday". WOW. Music to my ears! I wish I could get her in the choir with me - I know she loves singing and she loves music - but right now, she's just not ready. She's still thinking that pastor Matthew (whom she's not yet met) is going to lay hands on her and try to convert or brainwash her. So... her just WANTING to attend is a BIG step in the right direction. :o)

The kids had a good first day of school yesterday (Thursday). Of course it took an hour when I first got home to go through ALL the paperwork and sign what needed to be signed. Sigh! Later that night I helped Jonathan go through his clothes because he's sprouted a couple inches over the summer. I need to go out and get Kayte AND Jonathan some school pants. Both are in school uniforms and both have grown since last year. They each have 2 pants that fit, and that's IT. So, sometime this weekend I need to run up to Target or Walmart and buy them some pants. Since they are in uniforms, it's not like they can get away with wearing something else for a little while. So, gotta find time to fit that into the schedule.

Speaking of Target, Amanda's doctor told her today that she could NOT work at ALL until he told her that she could. This is somewhat bad for her because she was just beginning to get on her feet and has a lot of people and things to pay back. But - I know God has a plan. Anyways, she took a note into her new job (Target) and said she was DEFINATELY the talk of Target. Did you ever see the movie "Hitch"? When Will Smith ate the food he was allergic to and swelled up something awful? Yeah, that pretty much paints a picture for poor little Amanda. Anyways, Target completely understood why she couldn't come to work. I guess it's good that she JUST started so it's not like she's playing a critical role there.

I find myself sitting here at work feeling totally helpless... wanting so badly to be at home just sitting with Amanda. Yet knowing I need to work and that there is nothing really I can do for her at home. However I still can't stop thinking about it.

What other updates can I give you to.... oh, here's a good one I didn't share with you yet.

Amanda had been talking to the girls about how to make a little extra money. Originally the idea came about because they wanted to help buy my Iron pills (although that concern was probably started by Amanda). Amanda gave them some ideas on how to make extra cash - and one of those ways was to go around knocking on doos and ask if they could wash someone's car. Sounds easy enough so Kayla and her friend Erica that was sleeping over a few nights decided to do it. That same day (as the girls are out doing this) Chris - somehow or another - hears that the girls are knocking on door and telling people that they are raising money for their CHURCH and could they wash their car. WHAT??!!! Needless to say we nixed that. Well, not totally nixed it, we allowed them to continue, then took their money when they got in and told them that they WERE putting it in the offering that Sunday (which they did). I was going to say how surprised I am that they did this... but - sad to say - maybe I'm not so surprised. :o(

I need to keep reminding myself that they are doing so much better. Yet some days it's hard. Kayla, for example, is better about asking for things sometimes, but then just TAKES things other times. This morning, Amanda couldn't find her bra. Guess who had it?? Kayla took it. She also recently has taken Amanda's perfume and my liquid eyeliner. Not big deals in-and-of themselves... BUT - combined with all the other things, it's a daily frustration at home.

Just got a call from Amanda that the investigator for the attorney is going to be at our house in about 30 minutes. The greatest-boss-in-the-world told me I could leave early to be there with her. Awesome. I better run.

I'll leave you with this quote. Remember to thank God for your blessings!

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character: it becomes your destiny.

1 comment:

Almostunreal said...: I really enjoy your blog, though I do not have enough time as I want. However, I add it to my favorite so that I see I can go through ver and over again.

I really feel sorry for Amanda and my prayers are with her. I hope she recovers perfectly.

You seem to have a great family too.

God bless you and your family.; 3:27 PM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, August 04, 2006

Amanda, Continued

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