No More Room To Give

Ugg.... I don't know where to start with this... nor if I should even blog about this. Last time I blogged about Amanda, I let it get entirely too emotional, and I don't want to do that out here on the big world-wide net. Let's see if I can do this without getting emotional and yet still tell you some of what is going on.

Amanda just called. She is due to pay her first contributing payment to the household by next Friday, 9/15. The amount she is scheduled to pay is $300, which covers the cost of her portion of utilities and food. She now tells me that she wants to see a breakdown of all of our bills to determine if it really needs to be this high. Okay... well.... I am extremely upset right now... in tears actually as I type this.

It is SO HARD when you give so much... when you open your home with a certain expectation... when you try so hard to help someone.... and when that person hurts you. My first though was 'she can't possible believe that $300 a month will pay all of her portion of utilities and food, and that there is actually money left over'.. but then I realized that she really hasn't lived out there totally on her own. Heck, she hasn't even had a roommate where she paid her own portion completely. So.... she really doesn't know what it should be like. So... for that reason, I can shake my head and say "yeah... she has no idea". But then in the conversation she added that "we would be taking 2/3 of her paycheck this time". It upsets me that she thinks we are 'taking' anything from her. She should be contributing. She should openly WANT to pull her load. And this part of her...... that part of her that should want to pull her fair share... just isn't there. It never has been with anyplace that she has lived.

I asked one of the kids what they would think if I told Amanda she had to move out... they said "All she does is sleep, eat, boss people around and then go to work" and added that they wouldn't mind. I laugh at that comment, because it is entirely accurate. Simplified, yet accurate.

I called my mom and my mother in law after this conversation with Amanda. Both had great advice to give (of course!). Evie told me that.... when reading my blogs... she often times feels that I have 'no more to give' but I just keep trucking down the road anyways. This is so incredibly accurate (more tears as I type this). I give and give and give and give every single minute of every single day.... and -- frankly -- if Amanda can't, at the age of 20, even live at home with her only contribution being to support herself on a much smaller scale that she'd have it if she were out on her own -- then I simply have no more room to give.

There is so so so so so much more to this... and trust me when I tell you that I am really trying to keep emotions out of this, and to not air out family dirty laundry. I love Amanda with ALL of my heart. I want her to be happy and take care of herself. I want her to find God... to find inner happiness.

Okay... I left this blog and went to church (sang at the Sat night service). It was hard this time to sing on the praise team and not allow my heart to become overfilled with emotion and cry. I caught myself a couple times at rehearsal and during prayer starting to weep... so I knew I couldn't 'unzip' on stage. Sigh......... (weeping here again as I type)

I came home, picked up Jonathan and the intent was to go grab some things he needed for school at Target, pick up Amanda (who got off at 7:30) and take them both to dinner and talk. Amanda had gotten a ride home from work, so she wasn't with us for dinner.

I had a very nice quiet meal with Jonathan. He's such a good hearted boy. LOVE him so very much.

I get home and Amanda is on the phone with Gene. About 15 minutes into the conversation I tell her that she needs to get off the phone so that we can talk before she goes back to work. She is a little frustrated but hangs up with him. Without going into detail here... I can just tell you that the conversation got VERY heated. She threw a computer keyboard at one point. It was just bad. She told me that my refusing to show her proof of all the bills I pay (to justify her little monthly contribution) was 'suspicious' and that it was proof that my intentions were to make a 'steady monthly income off of her'. WHATTTTTTTTTTT???????

Yeah, it got heated. I got very upset (here I go crying again). I really can't get into all the details.

End result, she is moving out on Monday, going to live in Orlando. I don't feel sad that she is leaving... I feel sad that it happened like THIS. But more than anything else... I feel used, mistreated and taken advantage of. And that hurts so very much.

Oh good Lord. I just found out that my friend with the little girl (Christal) with the cancer is most likely passing away soon. Soon as in... hours if not minutes. She is being held with her family this evening.... shallow breathing... the family telling her that it's okay to 'go'.

Oh God... could I possibly cry any more tonight????

I suppose that I am supposed to feel happy that I have a daughter who is healthy. But I still feel the same. I feel.... so very happy the Christal is going to heaven to sit with her heavenly Father, at peace from the pain and troubles of cancer. Which then causes me to reflect on how Amanda does not know Christ and has no real religion. I feel --- (crying again even more) --- that I have failed her in this respect. Did God bring her to me so that I could help bring her to God? Even if He wanted me to help her get on her feet... she has lived here penny-free for 3 months now, so I don't feel bad about that. But I have not been able to help her AT ALL spiritually. I failed in that regard. Miserably.

Please everyone... pray for all of us. Pray for Christal.... pray for Amanda.... and please oh please pray for strength for me.