Tina's Daily Blog: Is Your Gift Ready?

Friday, September 08, 2006

Is Your Gift Ready?

I would really like to apologize for not blogging as much as I should this week. It has been an absolutely crazy week... and I've truly had no time to sit and put my thoughts and feelings onto paper (or computer, or whatever!). And, yes, I said "should" because I should blog more often especially when things are crazy.... it helps me to feel a little better.

Julie's visit on Wednesday went okay. She brought dinner, which is always great. Again... Julie with the eating thing -- ick ick ick. I told her over and over again not to talk with her mouth full of food, that it was gross.... but I suppose at 350 lbs and the age of 37, it's a habit she won't be breaking anytime soon. She brought the kids more stuff... candy and shoes. The shoes were a nice thought, although they didn't need shoes, it was thoughtful of her to get them. She actually didn't BRING them with her, she's having them gift wrapped and shipped to the kids.

Chris and Justin came home when we were finishing up dinner. We enrolled Justin in a fall league of baseball (more training than game-winning focused). Justin is SO happy to be playing baseball... AND... guess who the new assistant coach is for his team? Yep.... CHRIS! He's pumped about it, and Justin keeps mentioning how it's 'just like when he and his dad played baseball'. Yeah... this whole thing is very healthy for him I think. It's nice to see him so happy and excited about something.

When Chris got home, after they finished talking about the practice and all, he mentioned the gear Justin was going to need before Monday. Chris point-blank asked Julie to get it for him, but she said she couldn't do it... that she was already doing everything she could do. This is frustrating for me - and I'll tell you why, but it's going to sound selfish. I know I've said it before... but I don't get my nails done anymore... don't get pedicures.... don't have my hair professionally done.... don't go out to eat.... every penny we get is wrapped up in the kids. Julie, on the other hand, is doing very well. She just got 'chunks' done in her hair. Nails done. New clothes. Buying the kids things that they really don't 'need'. So... when asked if she could buy Justin some cleats or baseball pants.... she says 'no'!?!?! What's UP with that??!!! Very frustrating.

Here's what Justin needs before Monday (9/11). Cleats, baseball pants, and a 'cup'. I now wish it wasn't the 8th of September.... a week after payday and 3 long weeks till next payday. I dunno.... it's NOT the end of the world if he doesn't get it. God ALWAYS provides for us and He knows what we really need and don't need. But if you would like to help out, drop me a line.

Julie has decided that she wants her kids to attend the next court date in November. I'm not sure how to feel about this. First of all, it's going to be a missed day from school... and I do NOT like that. But secondly... I'm not sure how I'll act or what I'll say with them there. I do my BEST not to bad-talk Julie in front of them. I make a conscious effort (and BELIEVE you-me.... sometimes it is quite the effort) not to say anything that's not nice. If they are going to tell Julie she can have 1 hour unsupervised a week, then work her way up... eventually... I'm okay with that. If they say "sure Julie, take the kids for weekends and see how you do".... I'm going to have real problems with that. Now, I doubt they will say that, but I want to be prepared because anything CAN happen. And I don't want the kids to see me wanting something different than what their mom wants. I'd rather them think we are working together. I think I'll talk to their Guardian Ad Litem, Dottie, and see what she thinks.

Tonight is going to be a long night... one that I've prayed about for a while now. Our friend Christal whom I've blogged about before (8yo w/ cancer) is having this HUGE party in Orlando. They are going to have lots of fun things to do... games... carnival type games.... silly-string wars... lots of food... craft tables to make things yourself... just things that Christal loves to do. I know our kids would have a blast there... but I've been dreading the drive over to Orlando at 5:30 on a Friday night. This morning... my heart told me I needed to go anyways. Chris and I talked about it, and we ARE going. It'll be nice seeing Chris and Drew... before Christal got cancer we used to hang out with them all the time. Now they live in Lakeland and both of our lives are completely different than they were before. Yeah... we HAVE to go tonight. I know the kids are going to want to stay home, or go to the movies, or go to a football game - but I think this trip will be very beneficial to them. It'll be nice for them to see this strong, amazing little girl and know that life does not revolve around what they are planning on doing over the weekend or what friends they are 'seen' hanging out with. (I should point out here that the kids are not really that self-centered... but they are teens and headed in that direction for sure.)

What else can I blog about? --- Oh yes... so last night at Choir then Praise Team rehearsal, I bring my nifty new toy with me... a digital recorder. It doesn't use discs or anything, and it has a built in connection to go right into your computer... it's VEWWY nifty indeed. The chorus gave it to me (Toast of Tampa) - probably because I'm such an awesome tape listener and all that. LOL But ANNNYways.... I bring this little recorder to record myself so I know what I need to work on. Someone says to me "will you please tell me when that's on so that I don't say something that I shouldn't say on a recording?" Now... at first I thought she was just kidding, but I could tell she was looking at it... wondering. I still think she was kidding, but it caused me to think. (We all know how dangerous it is when I do that!)

What's funny about this is that she is one mighty AWESOME person. I couldn't imagine she'd ever say anything that someone could construe as 'not christian'. Which made me wonder.... what - exactly - does that mean? What defines a Christian person? What is a Christian attitude? What is Christian behavior? Do you really HAVE to be sweet and nice all the time to be considered Christian? Ummm... I don't think so.

I think Christians are very real people. They live day to day hoping that their words, actions, thoughts, and deeds are what Christ would have wanted them to do. But they are far from perfect. There was ONE perfect person on this earth - and he walked our earth 2006 years ago. I used to go to Church with people who were really 'Holy' from 9am to 10am on SUNDAY only. But, God forbid you get in their way as they are barrelling down the road on the way to Church or on their way to IHOP afterwards!

I think God is more interested in the total package... that when someone sees and talks to you, they KNOW you are a Christian person. They can sense it in you or feel it in your words or actions. Not every single one of your words and actions... because we all say and do things that unbecoming of a christian person from time to time. One should, in my opinion, never be judged by those little things. However, I think a good Christian should have a good mix of both... good and bad. The bad things we experience... lessons we learn (all to often the hard way).... mistakes we've made.... this teaches us how to be better people. If you met a Christian person that you want to 'be just like' would she be absolutely perfect? I think we can better relate to those people who have little mistakes here and there, but overall, have managed to lead a very Christian life.

Personally, I think of my life as a Christian package that I am giving to God on the day we meet in heaven. What's in your package?

Think of your day today. Have you done anything that would make God proud of you? It's been raining all day... did you drive by someone who was running to get out of the rain? (maybe they got out of the bus and had to run a few blocks home... or maybe they were out jogging while it was sunny and the sky opened up and rained on them) Could you have offered them a ride? Did you smile and offer kindness to a store clerk who was nasty to you? (maybe she was upset as her boyfriend just broke up with her and she really wanted to be angry with the whole world) Is there one simple little thing you could do in your day that would allow someone to notice you are a Christian? I've changed my online radio to Christian radio... if you call my office and hear my music... you'll hear people singing praises to God.

But Lord knows I'm far from perfect. I went at lunch today to pick up Amanda from her work (Target). I DID go to pick her up because I knew it was 'the right thing to do'. But I was irritated and it showed... I was rushed and made a comment about my 'lunch hour' now being a lunch 30 minutes. Why did I have to be nasty about it? Just knowing it was 'the right thing to do' and therefore doing it wasn't good enough to get me into heaven... and I know that! Sigh... yeah... I've got work to do. A lot more than just that one little example!

So my Christian package has lots and lots of things in it. Daily prayer. Giving thanks to God - privately AND publicly. Doing good deeds for people. Raising two good kids myself and then raising my sisters kids when they really needed it. Sure... there are some things in that package that are not so good... my cursing is a bad habit that is far from Christian, my bad attitude towards things when I am frustrated, choosing not to do 'the right thing' for personal reasons, or my 2 year anger with God over Ron's death. But overall.... I think there is far more good in there than bad. And if I consciously make an effort to add more Christian things to my package every day... think of what a wonderful gift it'll make to the Father when I finally get to meet Him.

So.............. what about you? Is your gift ready?

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, September 08, 2006

Is Your Gift Ready?

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