Tina's Daily Blog: Back Down To A Family of Six

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Back Down To A Family of Six

Well, life at the Rhocchini house continues on without Amanda. She packed up yesterday and headed to Orlando with her boyfriend, Gene. It's hard to blog about how I feel about that.... there was the amazing guilt I felt, but I talked to some friends and feel NONE of that any more.... there is the relief that she is gone and I don't have that worry any more (who is going to drive her to work, pick her up, get her the things she needs, figure out who used her hair spray or makeup or clothes, will she be home for dinner, was she doing anything moraly wrong on our computers, was she fighting with the kids/bossing them around, who is going to yell at her to get her to do her chores, etc) - so in that regard, it feel GREATLY better.... and of course now I feel worry about her 'making it' in Orlando. As much as I want to believe that Gene is 'the one'... I honestly do not feel you can really know that only weeks after meeting someone face-to-face. I hope it works out... Gene is a really nice guy... but really... the fact is, they met each other a little over ONE month ago. Her scars on her face from the dog attack the night they met for the first time haven't even healed yet! So... with regards to the two of them being right for each other... I'm hopeful yet doubtful (if that's possible to do at the same time!).

Two of the kids have already moved into what was Amanda's bedroom. Justin and Kayte slept in there last night. Although we have a queen size bed for Kayla and Kayte to sleep in together, Kayte will most often sleep on the floor instead of with Kayla. There are a few reasons for this... but I don't want to blog about what **I** think the reason is until I am sure. So for now, we have a twin bed set up in that room and Justin's little couch-bed. Everyone got up this morning on their own... which was G-R-E-A-T!

Justin had his first baseball practice last night... and he did pretty well. He is VERY rusty and I think.... how do I say this in the most postive way.... by the time they are done for the year, he will be the most improved player there! A great big 'thank you' to Auntie Katie and Gwen for coming through for his baseball needs! He was so cute... put on his pants, socks, cleats, shirt, batting glove, mit.... then stood in front of the full length mirror a LOT looking at himself. He couldn't help it... he just knew he looked great! LOL

Katie did ask Julie about why she wouldn't buy Justin cleats and things he needed for baseball. Julie said that "if Tina can't afford to buy him things he needs for baseball, then he just doesn't need to play baseball". Of course, that VERY same day... she bought movies for the kids, expensive shoes for both Justin and her new 23-year-old boyfriend, as well as some things for Mom's birthday in November. It just hacks me off when I think about it... me being the logical thinker that I am -- if you are going to spend $50 in shoes, why not buy cleats that he needs instead of sneakers that he doesn't... but Julie doesn't think like that. ARGHHHH

As it was last year, things with the kids are HECTIC while school is in. The kids are trying to do all kinds of fun things on the weekends, and it's just hard to manage at times. They are getting better at asking for things in advance - Kayte has already asked me if she can go to Busch Gardens in October for Halloween Horror Nights... but at the same time, they also forget and ask things last minute (Kayte also asked about going to a basketball game after school today). We try to do what we can... I'm calling the school now for information on the basketball game tonight. But... boy oh boy... it's nice just having the four to worry about again. :o)

I had to take the afternoon off of work yesterday to run Kayte to a couple different doctors appointments. The last one was just a mess.... they scheduled the appt with the nurses and they should have done it with a doctor and so they wouldn't see her. They tell us this after we sat in the waiting room for an hour and a half. Lovely!

UGG... I just finished reading Amanda's blog... how lovely... she put in there: "when Christmas comes, and mom and dad wish that I was there to help them pay bills, I'll be like Ha suckers, I'm here, I made it, fuck y'all." Oh yeah... no thank-you for the last 3 months.... no appreciation for us trying to help her... and on top of that she thinks that we wanted her to live with us to make a profit... KILLS ME. The really funny part of that is that - Amanda has never helped anyone pay a bill. Not one. I guess her friends just think we are the worst parents on the face of the earth... oh wait... she hardly HAS any friends left because she keeps doing this to them too! I said that to try to make myself chuckle, but I just can't. The whole thing is just so darn sad.

I just got off the phone with the kid's Guardian Ad Litem, Dottie. She is so nice! She's coming over tonight for a visit. I had to fill her in on what's going on with the kids... good and bad. I also got her up-to-date on the things going on with Julie. She seemed to be very concerned that Julie has that young man living with her, and kept asking if Natalia (new DCF lady) knew about it. I told her that, yes, Natalia knew about it... but that Natalia and I had only spoken once. I asked Dottie what she thought about the kids going to Julie's hearing in November, and she did NOT think it was a good idea. I wasn't expecting that. I had no real 'objection' to the kids going, I just wasn't sure it was going to be of any benefit to them or to Julie to be at this hearing. Dottie feels it will definately be of no benefit to them and that it might hurt them to be there. She's been to a LOT more of these than I have (actually, I've not been to any, and this is her JOB, so she's been a ton more than I have!) so I really need to trust her judgement on this. She isn't here for me or for Julie... Dottie's job is to be the voice of the kids and to care for THEM. I think - regardless of what I feel or what my gut tells me as the time draws near - I will go with whatever Dottie feels about this sort of thing. If Dottie wants them there, I'll do my best to make that happen. If she doesn't... I won't let them come. I think that is the most sensible thing to do.

I have a busy week in front of me... Tonight is a visit from Dottie and then I go to chorus (Toast of Tampa). Wednesday night is a visit from Julie. Thursday night is baseball practice for Justin and Chris and Choir practice for me. Friday night is a coaching session for me (TOT) and Chris is going to a vocal class for praise team singers. Saturday I have another coaching session and Chris has another vocal class, and we'll go over to Christal's funeral... no... Celebration!... on Saturday afternoon. Sunday is the usual: housework/football in the afteroon, and 5 trips to/from Church. (once two and from Church in the morning, one trip up at 5 pm to drop off the middle schoolers, then at 7 to drop off high schoolers and pick up the middle schoolers, and back up to pick up the high schoolers at 9pm.) Always busy weeks, huh!

We haven't been to see Doug in a while... and we need to do that. It's easy to hear me say "we've been so busy" and just think we're avoiding going... but REALLY... we have been so busy! I'm trying to make it so that - if Julie visits every Wednesday night - Chris and Jonathan can plan to go visit Doug on Wednesday nights. I won't get to see him... but I know he'll enjoy visits from Chris and Jono on a somewhat regular basis.

I keep wanting to end with another one of our funny stories... but it seems I'm always rambling too long to begin with. I'll try to give you another funny story tomorrow. For today, kiss your kids, hug your family and praise God for all the good things He has done for you.

"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Back Down To A Family of Six

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