Tina's Daily Blog: Children Learn What They Live

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Children Learn What They Live

I had forgotten all the blogs I've had to do last school year because of school issues. Sigh.....

We get a call yesterday on our voice mail at home from a teacher about Kayte. Now... Kayte has the best grades in the house! But the teacher said... she has been late for class 2 times and if she's late one more time, she gets a referral. (Which will put her into ISS, In School Suspension)She goes on to say that, although Kayte did really well at the beginning of the school year, she has become much more 'social' in her class... that she'll turn around and talk to other kids during class. The teacher asked that we talk to her about it and try to get her back on track.

So... after work yesterday, I sit down with Kayte and we talk about it. She gives excuses along with that attitude that I had almost forgotten - that 'it's not my fault' attitude. She tells me that the reason she was late two times was because they were having class in a different area of the school (maybe they were to meet in the Library instead of the classroom). I asked if *everyone* was late then, and she first tells me (defensively) that yes, everyone was late. I said, "wow, then a LOT of kids are going to have ISS because they were ALL late on these days??" She says (again defensively) "no" - that maybe 'everyone' wasn't late. I explain that she could not use it as an excuse then. Then we talked about her talking in class... and she tells me that she's not really talking in class... that sometimes Sean will ask her for a pencil and she'll turn around to give it to him. I said that I did NOT believe that was the only thing she ever did, and if it WERE true, she should not turn around to give him anything during class. Again, she tells me that she is NOT talking in class. I ask "so the teacher is blatantly lying to me then?" She says... she might talk a little, but this ONE class happens to be the one where she behaves the BEST and talks the LEAST. Very very frustrating. I - wanting to make sure we have summed up our conversations correctly - say to Kayte: "Let me make sure I understand this correctly. Your teacher called to say you have been late to class twice and that you are talking too much in class. She tells me your conduct grade is currently a C and slipping. YOU say that it's not your fault that you were late and that you are not talking much in your class... so... none of this is your FAULT". She says that no, it IS her fault, but that there were very good reasons why it was happening, and those reasons were not her fault. Therefore, she believes, she can not be blamed for it. We went over it again and again... but she FAILED to take responsibility, but then would SAY that she did.

Later, we had just finish up dinner and are sitting around the table talking, this subject comes up again. Again, Kayte gets EXTREMELY defensive, with the attitude of "I did nothing wrong". Chris - who was not there for our conversation earlier - immediately picks up on Kayte's "I did nothing wrong, it's not my fault" attitude. We both took extremely different roads, and - actually - Chris's was MUCH more effective. I chose to take 30 minutes or so and try to talk with her, try to reason with her, etc. Chris listened to her once, and talked very sternly to her... simply telling her (In the 'angry dad' tone of voice) that - no matter WHAT -teacher phone calls telling us someone was doing something wrong, being late for class and talking in class was all bad behavior and it had to STOP. NOW. No excuses, no explanations. Just STOP IT.

After he left, I looked over at Kayte who was sitting there as if someone told her the sky was purple, but she fully believed the sky was really blue. I told her - "Look Kayte, no matter what you believe in your head, what Uncle Chris said is entirely correct. Out of your mouth you SAY that you know you did wrong, but then you tell us all the reasons it's not your fault. Just STOP talking and take responsibility for it." She said she didn't know how to do that. We went through some role-play.... I said -- "Your teacher just called and said you are talking too much in class." I then added: you are supposed to say "I'm so sorry, I will do my best to stop talking during class." Kayte then tries to say all the reasons she WAS talking - how it wasn't really her fault. I stop her and say.... "Kayte... this is going to continue to get you into trouble the rest of your life if you can't get a handle on this. Just accept responsibility and LET IT GO." She just couldn't do it.... I ended up having to leave the room before I got even more upset.

Mind you --- she's the best behaved.

I find out today that Kayla has had a class that she again let fall into the "F" grade. Very frustrating. I tried to help her with her assignments, but sometimes she's just so stubborn and doesn't want to hear it. Example... Current Events. We saw the TV show Dateline about Debra LaFave... the next day she decided to do her current event on it. There was an article in the paper about her. Kayla's current event summary talked about everything that was on Dateline. The newspaper article she clipped had NOTHING to do about that. Instead, the article in the paper was about how the 14 year-old boy's mother reacted to watching the television show. The topics Kayla discussed in her summary did not - at all - match what was written in the article. When I asked her about it, she said that she never even bothered to read the article. She didn't think she needed to because she saw it all on TV the night before. Of course, she got a grade for her current event, she didn't fail, but it wasn't the 'A' it COULD have been. Frrrrrrrrrrrrrustrating.

Speaking of not wanting to read anything... I talked to Kayte again last night about her reading. I don't remember if I blogged about this before, but Kayte told me that she and a teacher had been trying to work together to help her with her reading. Kayte had been trying to read a very simple book - she would read a few pages, and then the teacher would ask her to summarize what she had read. Kayte said she couldn't do it. She could tell you the dog's name was spot. But she couldn't tell you what the story was really about. But Kayte added that if someone ELSE read her the book - she could understand it just fine. So last night I mentioned to her that I was wondering if maybe she had dyslexia or something like that. She got IMMEDIATELY upset saying that she was "not retarded" and that there was NOTHING wrong with her. I tried to explain that dyslexia wasn't a 'retard' problem... that it just meant that your brain didn't process what your eyes were reading correctly; that it might very well explain why she could hear something and process it better than she did if she were reading it. But she had already decided that admitting there could be any type of problem such as dyslexia would mean she was a retard, and that she no longer had any problems reading. Sigh. Yeah, it was a difficult night last night for Kayte. Indeed.

Justin is doing.... okay. Not great because he has a D in Geometry, but everything else is acceptable. Jonathan... well, we just don't know about him. His teachers are hard to get a hold of, although I'm trying like crazy to do so. Speaking of... one of his teachers just emailed me to tell me that he was doing very well in her class: "His participation is awesome!His overall average is currently a 79%." Woo hooooooo Lordy I needed that good news.

Tonight is choir rehearsal. Chris can't go tonight because Justin has baseball practice. (Now that he's 'Coach Chris' he has to be there as much as he can) Speaking of baseball practice... Kayla wants to try out for the basketball team, which is good. However, the fitness training for this started this past Monday, and Kayla couldn't do it. I have to get a physical form completed for her (drop it off at the local walk-in clinic to complete). Then I have to buy the school insurance - which, in my opinion, is NUTS. She is already fully covered by both Tricare and Medicaid. But they say every student must buy it. So... I've got to have the time to get down to the walk-in clinic and get this paperwork done. But -- when??? Monday night we had the visit from Natalia. Tuesday night I had TOT rehearsal. Wed night was another visit from Natalia. Tonight is choir rehearsal and baseball practice. Friday is Youth Festival day... Jonathan will be out all day teaching other kids from Middle and High school how to sing barbershop. Maybe there will be time after that (and after work) on Friday to get it done. Gosh... I hope so. But -- then she's missed a week already. Add to that the added stress of having another kid involved in sports... the practices... the games.... all the trips we'll have to make for these when our schedule is already jam-packed. Plus... part of me doesn't believe she's actually going to follow through with the try-outs. She's already tried to do the dance team and the step team... and quit both almost immediately. She said it would be different this time, but I don't know. This will be the 4th time I've had to pay for a physical form for Kayla (once for camp, once for dance, once for step and now for Basketball). Mmmm... maybe I didn't buy the one for step... but I know I did for the others. Sigh... I don't know what to do about this one. I feel that I should get the physical filled out and have her GO to practice and try out.

I find this school year a bit different for me, feelings wise. Last year - when we got the kids - I wanted nothing more than to whip the kids into shape. Teach them every single thing I could, and help mold them into better people. This year, with reunification being discussed as often as it is, I find myself wanting to settle for mediocrity. So... on this day that I feel compelled to put this in my blog that I've read dozens of times, but still rings true:

Children Learn What They Live
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Children Learn What They Live

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In A Nutshell: