Julie and I had a nice and kinda long talk the other night. She talked about her boyfriend, how he's not really her 'boyfriend' as he's now sleeping on the sofa. She told me that she has this great new drink that she just LOVES... a wine cooler of some sort. I was laughing when she told me this. Laughing because - Julie has never had a real drinking problem but she is a member of AA. She just went to AA meetings because she didn't WANT to go to NA meetings. However, in all of her DCF files, they all assumed she had alcohol problems because she was attending AA meetings. And now, the best darn AA member Riverview has ever seen, has a favorite alcoholic drink. I just couldn't help but laugh! When Julie asked why I thought it was funny, I told her! She said "Tina, you know I've never really had a drinking problem! Besides I'm not going to AA meetings anymore." Just lovely.
Julie called and emailed me about the email I sent her asking about Christmas. She basically said that she's nearly 40 and doesn't need anyone telling her what to do with her money. Further she said that she was only going to buy each kid ONE thing for Christmas. Now... I'm not a big money-person at Christmas... I believe that society has put way too much emphasis on presents and not the real reason for the season... the birth of our Savior Jesus. But when you've got kids, just that LOOK of all the presents under the tree, even if they all cost less than $5 each, just gives a really neat feeling. But no, she wants to do just one thing. **sigh** I told Dottie (Guardian Ad Litem) that I felt like I should just let her do what every she wanted with HER kids at Christmas and I'll just do what I'd normally do for Jonathan. I told her that I just couldn't ask the church or anyone else to help out when we had help last year. Add to that the fact that they now have a mom who is perfectly capable of providing 'Christmas' for them but chose not to. Dottie told me.... that it was not the kids fault. That we can't control what Julie does or does not do for her children. But as their guardian, I should do whatever is in my power to provide for the kids. I dunno... I'm still debating on asking the Church or anyone else for help with Christmas gifts this year. I mean, Chris and I are now both working, but we are just BARELY making ends meet as it is, with no wiggle room what-so-ever.
Dottie and I talked for quite a bit about a lot of things. I told her about the guy living there. The girl now renting the room. About Julie, who's supposed to be going to AA meetings, now drinking. She told me that - the one thing Julie was totally NOT getting was that she needed to be showing changes in all of these things. Not that she was completely better, but that she was purposely making changes. Yes, she's gotten better; yes, she's not doing drugs; yes, she's not huffing. But in addition to that, they were going to want to see her demonstrate changes - such as telling that guy he could NOT move in with her, rather than saying "that's going to change but only after the kids move back home". Such as admitting that not providing for her kids for Christmas in the past was not very 'motherly' of her, but she could attempt to change that this year (albiet she chooses not to). Missed opportunities, that's what is going on with Julie.
Speaking of her mental capabilities... Julie had the first part of her extensive psychiatric evaluation done Tuesday! She called saying that she did horrible. She thought it was going to be just a normal mental exam. This is a 6 hour comprehensive exam. Today's testing consisted of him reading to her and Julie responding back at the end with what he just said and what it meant. She said she didn't do well at that. She said there was other 'testing' things... like the word YELLOW written in the color RED and she was supposed to tell him what the word said... she said RED not yellow. Those kinds of things. They apparently are going to do one hour testing each visit/week. So... 6 weeks from now the testing should be done. I'll be happy to know once and for all if they feel she WILL or will NOT be able to parent again.
This caused me to think about what is going to happen after that testing. Gosh, I get so torn over thinking about this. In the perfect world... I want Julie to completely change her life, get on her feet, get her kids back, and for them all to live happily ever after. I can go back to being the coolest Aunt who ever lived, we can go back to raising Jonathan by himself, having MUCH smaller meals, and my house can look clean for more than 5 minutes at a time. Ah yes.... this would be perfect. But -- It's just not likely to happen.
More likely is Julie continuing to improve and she eventually gets the kids back. First by getting unsupervised visits for an hour at a time, then 2 hours. Eventually overnight. Then for the weekend. Then eventually forever. They go back home to their horrible F & D rated schools and gangsta friends. They begin talking that gangsta talk and go back to doing pretty much whatever they want. Julie will probably keep it calm enough to where they are not breaking the law or anything. And the whole time, I'll be sitting at home wondering if she's "un-doing" anything that I had done. It just breaks my heart to think of this.
Then there is the thought of... what if they say she can't parent? What if......... what if............ come on Tina............ don't worry about what might happen......... when you know there is nothing you can do about it! Have faith Tina.... faith that it'll all work out. God already has the plan.
I get a phone call last night from Julie telling me that "the kids are begging her to meet Rob" (her little 23 yo boyfriend). My heart sank. I was not ready for that, not one bit. I called Dottie and Natalia about it because... I don't want to say "no" just because I think it's weird that he's only 8 years older than her daughter. I do want to be fair about it. But I have other causes for hesitation as well... for example: the fact that he lost every single piece of identity when Julie moved him down here - birth certificate, social security card, drivers license - all.... lost. Yeaaaahhhhh.... I have a bad feeling about that. And my last concern was that Julie has already told me that she is not serious about this guy, that he's not 'really' her boyfriend anyways. So.... why submit the kids to that twisted relationship?
I talked to Dottie about it who told me that the State was VERY particular about who they would and would not let around the kids, and that she thinks I should listen to my 'gut' on this one. I talked to Chris about it who was like.... "absolutely, 100%, no way that man is coming in my house, I don't trust him one single bit". So, I called Julie back to tell her and she says, "eh, it's okay - he's moving out anyways - going to Miami for the Job Corps". So.... why bother to get me all upset about it and cause me to spend 30 minutes in a 'family meeting' to talk to the kids about it? **sigh**
Speaking of family meeting... you should SEE the WOW WALL!! It's now gone over to another wall there is so much stuff there. After Jonathan's horrible progress report, we demanded that he take his medication daily. He must be doing it because he's a changed boy here recently. Typically.... you can look at his book bag and it is TRASHED. Loose papers everywhere, empty folders, homework assignments that are balled up like trash (because left loose in the book bag) that need to be turned in. He also gets yelled at a lot when he forgets to take his medicine. Typically I'll hear myself, Chris or the other kids tell him something over and over again - and it'll hit me that he didn't take his meds. I say "Jono, did you take your medicine this morning?" And the answer is always "no". So.... he seems to be taking his meds every morning. His focus is MUCH better. I notice nobody is getting on to him anymore. I did a book bag check and EVERYTHING was neatly place in appropriate folders! (And Amanda already knows this... typically everything can be neat and clean, but there is ONE thing out of place and I tend to find that one thing and bring it up.) And this was an un-announced book bag check. Then he had 11 items for the WOW WALL. (A's and B's) I just left a message with all his teachers asking about his grades... I'm thinking they have gone up. It's hard to know for sure because those zeros really tank his grades and it's so hard to bring them up. Say a little prayer please that they have.... I think he's earned it.
Well, I just got a very nice call from the DCF lady, Natalia. She was calling me back about Julie's boyfriend and what she would like for me to do about the kids seeing him. In particular, she said "NO" to that. After speaking with her I sent this letter to Julie:
I just spoke to Natalia about Rob - she was returning a call that I placed to her yesterday to ask IF Rob could even come over. She said absolutely no, he could not come over.
She went on to explain that - if you were having supervised visits at their facility and Rob was to come, they would make him wait in the hall and would not allow him around the children. She said this was for a couple of reasons.... first being that they have not done a background and thorough evaluation of him yet, but they would have to do this before reunification was considered. Second being that it's not mentally good for you to even discuss Rob with the kids. She went on to explain how your social life was a sore subject for the kids in the past, and as you know - they requested that part of your life be better before they came back home. Secondly, it was apparent to her that the kids were worried about you and Rob... that they wanted to 'meet the man who mom moved into her house'. I don't know that you can fully grasp the concept of how odd it is for a person to move a man whom she has never met across state lines and into her home to live. (Add to that he has no money and no job) You and I have had the 'normal dating' talk before... get to know a man.... go to the movies... go to dinner.... etc. Because you chose to move this man right into the home, it caused the kids a great deal of unneeded stress. Frankly Julie, I myself was so wrapped up in the fact that **I** didn't like him as your sister for these reason, it never dawned on me how it might affect the kids. In that regard, I am VERY happy I talked to Natalia about it.
After my conversation with Natalia, I'm going to ask that you NOT talk about Rob at your visits or on the phone. Natalia says that -- if you and he become serious and he is going to be 'a part of your life long-term' ---- then we can slowly incorporate him into their lives. But for now, they don't need to worry about it... it's just not fair to them.
Also please try to recognize that - these things that you are not allowed to talk to the kids about -- when they might be coming home, what they've said to professionals about life at home, and now Rob.... hopefully you realize the PURPOSE behind your not talking to them about it. The purpose isn't to punish you or punish them. It's protecting them. They are already under TREMENDOUS stress from the move out of their home. Granted it's better now than it was in January, but - they are still stressed. Thinking about it in this light, as Natalia has pointed out to me, I realize that I tend to forget sometimes how stressed they must be.
I have that same bad feeling that this is NOT going to go over well. Since her visit is tonight - I'll let you know.
After yesterday's marathon blog... I'll stop now and leave you with this nifty quote I found:
The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck
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