The Journey

I think you could tell I left yesterday's blog a little 'down'. I got home and had absolutely no desire what-so-ever to go to choir practice.... didn't even have that nagging in my stomach that said "come on Tina, go - go - go!" So Chris went to choir and I stayed home. I'd love to say I just rested.... but that was not the case. I got home late - then immediately started dinner for the kids. My next door neighbor had a jewelry party that I was supposed to attend, (even though I had no intentions of buying anything), so I stopped in after I threw dinner in the oven. Stayed there for 30 minutes, then came back home to pull dinner out of the oven. Then back next door for 10 minutes, then took Justin to his baseball practice. Came home, and yep.... back again next door (I should add here that I hate those parties when you have all that 'fun' but everyone knows you HAVE to buy something when they are done). Stayed there for about another 30 minutes, then ran home to make sure the girls and Jono had eaten. Back out to pick up Justin, and then back to my next-door neighbors house. I only stayed there another 5 minutes or so because by then it was time to buy something.... so of course I left. By then Chris was on his way home from choir rehearsal. Great relaxing time I had at home, eh? LOL

So.......... big news yesterday! I'm sitting in my bosses office talking about something he needs me to do. He stands up and reaches out to shake my hand. I'm like.... oooooooookkkkk.... I of course stand and shake his hand as well - he says as he's shaking it "I gave you another 5 % raise with this month's check. You are doing a great job!" WOW. Out of the blue... just like that! I just got a raise a few months ago.... now another one?? He also mentions that I now, after one year on the job, make more than the woman I replaced (Penny) that had been here 6 years. I'm not surprised though... I am a darn good worker and I know it. Penny was extremely unorganized and the office was a paperwork NIGHTMARE before I got here. Now... everything has a place and is in it's place. It makes day-to-day work run so much smoother. Penny always looked as if the office was going to collapse in on itself if she stopped what she was doing for even 5 minutes. She lived in utter chaos. I, on the other hand, am quick yet thorough and as I already said, organized to the point of possibly being a little OCD. There is no chaos here.... and I have lots of free time because I don't have to spend any time looking for anything. I know exactly where a customer's order is from last month, or last year. So.... a RAISE! How great is that???!!!!

I talked to Natalia this morning and told her what I was told to tell her about Julie trying to give the kids an alcoholic drink. She said that rather than HER talking to Julie she was going to call her therapist and make him aware of it and ask him to talk to her about it. (I should note here that Natalia has still not met Julie) I feel really good that she is going to handle it in this matter.

My next call (thank goodness I work for such wonderful bosses) was from Dottie. She tells me that I don't need to get the kids eye appointments if I can prove they had physicals showing 20/20 vision. Yippee! We also talked some more about Julie and the kids. She kept telling me over and over again what a great person I was. She asked if Julie had ever expressed an interest in going to the doctors appointments, dentist appointments, football games, or Jusin's baseball games with us. I literally laughed out loud at that one, then replied that 'no' she had never asked. I first told her that the reason they needed physicals and dental visits was because she NEVER took them before. Secondly, one of the reasons the kids were taken from Julie was because they were left unsupervised most of the time - things like school football games and activities they went to alone. And finally that it would be nearly impossible for Julie to sit through Justin's baseball game on those bleachers for hours at a time. She couldn't do it for both mental and physical reasons. Mental because she'd go bezerk just sitting there. Physical because she would be highly uncomfortable at 350 lbs sitting outside and on bleachers. Dottie explained that this is another area (one of those missed opportunities) where Julie could show improvement. She could be showing that she wants to be involved in their life... that she truly cares about what they are doing.... not that she just 'wants them back'. Missed Opportunities.

I've been looking at my 3 month calendar on the wall in front of me at work... and it now has December on there. December. Christmas. Oh boy. There go the heart palpitations! I'm doing my best to listen for what God wants me to do this year.

I began blogging last February, and many of you may not know what happened last Christmas.

The kids moved in with me sometime in November/December. I remember the pure panic wondering what I was going to do about Christmas. We had just gotten involved in Van Dyke. Chris and I had our own personal problems we were dealing with. Chris was unemployed, but working a little on the side. We were taking care of his father, Doug, after his stroke the year before.

Julie's kids had never experienced a big Christmas. When Ron was alive, he just didn't get into Christmas very much. And every year, Julie would promise gifts, not come through, then promise to 'make it up for the rest of the year'. At that time I didn't know if we were going to have them for 6 months, for a year, or more. I emailed the church to ask for help. The Church called me that afternoon and told me there was a guy who was looking for a family to adopt. The Rush family adopted us and really came through for the kids. They asked for a list, and I thought they might pick one or two things on the list... but they did OH so much more! Above and beyond for sure.

More important than the 'gifts' they bought... there was a sense of spirit in the house directly as a result. Because Chris and I didn't have to worry about HOW were were going to buy them any presents (remember we went from being a family of 5 to a family of 8 over night), we were able to focus on just taking care of the kids. Trying to make this horrible transition somewhat better for them. It allowed us to focus on the real reason for Christmas; the birth of Jesus Christ.

Gosh - just thinking about it - the tree had all kinds of presents under it thanks to the heart of the Rush family. Thinking back about that season, I'll bet that if you asked the kids what they remember from last Christmas, it would be the joy that filled the house. And perhaps it was that joy that set the tone for the following year. These kids have suffered, they lived in hell while they were home, the pain from the loss of their dad at the age of 38 -- my gosh, I am now 38 - I couldn't imagine dying at this age - and he did it with small kids in the house. God spread His blessings all the way around... he blessed ME by giving me these children to care for... he blessed the KIDS by giving them a stable home to live in.... he blessed JULIE by giving her time to work on getting herself better.

Of course, it wasn't always fun. We had to walk through the fire to get here. I remember Julie coming over for Christmas last year. Slept in our bed and Chris and I slept on sofas downstairs so she'd be more comfortable. But Julie didn't want to wake up Christmas morning. (She was still doing drugs and lord knows what else at this time) The kids really wanted their mommy there, so they woke her up. She was ANGRY but she came downstairs. She slept sitting up throughout the gift opening bliss that morning. I should mention here that the Rush's even bought Julie a gift... a beautiful scripture journal. Wow.

Julie went back to bed but the kids kept asking her to wake up and spend time with them on Christmas day. Early afternoon Julie got up - VERY angry. She was angry the kids wanted her to be up on Christmas when all she wanted to do was sleep. She sat on the sofa and asked her kids to sit next to her, so close they were touching her. When I asked 'why' she said "If they want to be near me so bad, they are going to be near me!" She made them sit there and not talk, not play, not do anything. It was horrible. I finally asked Julie to go with me to the store. I didn't need anything really, but I wanted to get her out of the house and away from the kids. It was in that car trip that Julie shared with me that she not only smoked pot, but that she had her kids try it too. Ugggggggg When we got home Julie was in better spirits, which was good for everyone. Remember that at this time I didn't have 'legal' custody of the kids - it was all emergency DCF placement at the time.

Julie has come a loooooong way since that time. The kids have done INCREDIBLY well since that time. And who would have thought at that time that I'd be here - nearly October - thinking about Christmas 2006, still with Julie's three kids? But I will never - ever - as long as I live - ever forget the amazing heart of the Rush family that year.

So.... you can see the incredible Christmas we had last year. God fully and completely was in charge of all of that, I have no doubt about it. What does God want us to do this year? Should Chris or I get a part time job to set money aside for Christmas? That really doesn't feel right because we have so much going on every day as it is. Should we go without much (presents) to really show the kids this year that it's not about the gifts - but rather about the birth of our Savior? I find myself praying for guidance quite a bit about this lately. Almost every big thing I have done this year (and many many small things) have been with the guidance of God... listening to what He wants me to do and trusting Him. And - boy oh boy has he had the plan in place all along. I don't want to mess it up by trying to 'do it my way', regardless of what God wants.

Mom sent me something today about people working in Afghanistan for lots of money tax free. Told me that a friend of hers has a son who drove a truck for a year there and made $100,000 tax free. I talked to one of my bosses about it (a retired military guy) who told me that there are a LOT of jobs there like that and that it was easy money, albeit for a year of living in hell. Problem is you have a 50% chance of never coming home and an 80% chance of being hurt. For a split second I thought... I could do that.... Come back after a year and be debt-free. If I came back.

But... what of the journey? Isn't that what life is really all about? I fully believe that I am the awesome person I am today because of the journey. Chris and I being pregnant at 17, married at 18. The ups and downs of our life year after year. Sometimes eating hamburger helper with no ground beef for a month at a time.... other times going out to eat at a fancy restaurant. I can't be fully appreciative of a steak at Applebees until I've experienced a month of having mac & cheese for dinner. Just imagine how great that steak tastes with that memory in the back of your mind. I've made my share of mistakes in my lifetime.... jobs... friends.... family.... but the mistakes are not what define me, what defines me is what kind of a person I am today because of what I learned from those things. And the journey.... the journey is amazing.

I wouldn't want to leave everything I know and love to work for a year in hell, and hope that I come back alive so that my family has some money. Sure, the money would be great. If I were around to spend it. But would it really be great? What of the journey I'd lose if I were gone for a year. Look at what has happened in the ONE year this last year. Who would have ever thought I'd be here? Last year at this time I was still VERY angry with God because he took Ron away from us. Last year I was a mom to only my two beautiful kids. This year, God is blessing me left and right, and I have three wonderful kids added to the family. And best of all is looking back at the journey from the past year. Looking back in awe and amazement over God's plan, so incredibly evident as you look at what has happened. Not random events........ but a planned path.

God, I thank you for the journey I have experienced in my life. I thank you for blessing me with Julie's kids, Jonathan, Amanda and Chris. I do not deserve all the blessings you have given to me, yet day after day you continue. Lord, please open my heart to tell me what you would like for me to do as this holiday season approaches. Let Your will be done. In Your time, and for Your glory. Amen.